Knock knock.
Who's there?
A bunch of jokes.
The Phoenix area was beset recently by an enormous dust storm, which is much better than a Durst storm. Fred Durst. He sucks. Okay.
The Space Shuttle left the International Space Station for the last time yesterday to begin it's return trip to Earth. There's probably a Thelma & Louise joke in there somewhere, but I've got too much respect for the space program to make it. It's certainly not because I'm too lazy.
In other fake news, news came from DC (the comic book people, not the District of Columbia) that Superman and Lois Lane will be divorcing. But you know, statistically speaking, half of all fictional marriages end in divorce. The other half end in the Phantom Zone...
Speaking of being trapped forever in a timeless void, Rebecca Black is back with a new single, because apparently her self-esteem was starting to recover.
In more inconceivable news, Charlie Sheen has signed onto a sitcom adaptation of Anger Management, wherein he will play a psychiatrist. Isn't this kind of like casting Karen Carpenter to play Julia Child? In preparation for the role as a mental health provider, Charlie is conducting research by remaining completely batshit crazy.
Victorinox is marketing a Swiss Army USB drive, which is clearly what MacGuyver would use to transport vital files between computers. Now if only they made a digital Duct Tape data backup system...
In Pope-news, the Pope accepted the resignation this week of Philadelphia's Archbishop amid a sex-abuse-coverup-scandal. Apparently the Archbishop didn't want to relocate to a new parish.
And finally, a suspected al Qaeda leader was killed in Yemen yesterday. NewsCorp reporters have already hacked into his voicemail.
That's all! Go forth and have a great day! Come back tomorrow, when we'll have some more jokes!
And if you have a chance, go check out your town's farmers' market. You'll be surprised at what you find. Unless you live in Phoenix, in which case you'll probably just find a bunch of dust. Still better than Durst.
Showing posts with label superman. Show all posts
Showing posts with label superman. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 13th, 2011
Oh, whoa, we're halfway there. Let's have a laugh, shall we?
Amazon announced plans to begin selling a new Kindle with advertisements. It's expected to be popular with people who want reading to be more like television.
Presidential hopeful Haley Barbour's political independence came under scrutiny this week due to his past as a lobbyist. Barbour responded that his ties to special interest groups will be a real time-saver, as they can take their demands straight to him without going through a middleman. "I'll be able to whore myself out with maximum efficiency!"
A recent J. Crew advertisement raised eyebrows this week when a boy was shown with pink painted toenails. A spokesman for the company said this was an attempt to counteract the overbearing machismo their clothes normally exude.
Police recovered a Superman comic stolen from Nicolas Cage in 2000. Still missing: his artistic credibility from 2000.
Rihanna said this week in an interview that she wants to "spank" Britney Spears. Let's make that happen.
In Internet news, television insiders are surprised at the overwhelming success of Hulu.com. A representative from NBC said "this is unacceptable, we'll have to find a way to ruin it."
In politics this week, the Mitt Romney-Bot switched from "idle" to "run" in preparation for the 2012 presidential race.
And lastly, the Church of England is cracking down on sham marriages, entered into for immigration purposes. A spokesman said "these marriages distract from our original mission, which is of course providing a pretext for royal divorces."
Well, that's all for now! Hope your day got a little brighter. Tell your friends, if you did, and come see us again tomorrow! But most importantly, have a great day!
Amazon announced plans to begin selling a new Kindle with advertisements. It's expected to be popular with people who want reading to be more like television.
Presidential hopeful Haley Barbour's political independence came under scrutiny this week due to his past as a lobbyist. Barbour responded that his ties to special interest groups will be a real time-saver, as they can take their demands straight to him without going through a middleman. "I'll be able to whore myself out with maximum efficiency!"
A recent J. Crew advertisement raised eyebrows this week when a boy was shown with pink painted toenails. A spokesman for the company said this was an attempt to counteract the overbearing machismo their clothes normally exude.
Police recovered a Superman comic stolen from Nicolas Cage in 2000. Still missing: his artistic credibility from 2000.
Rihanna said this week in an interview that she wants to "spank" Britney Spears. Let's make that happen.
In Internet news, television insiders are surprised at the overwhelming success of Hulu.com. A representative from NBC said "this is unacceptable, we'll have to find a way to ruin it."
In politics this week, the Mitt Romney-Bot switched from "idle" to "run" in preparation for the 2012 presidential race.
And lastly, the Church of England is cracking down on sham marriages, entered into for immigration purposes. A spokesman said "these marriages distract from our original mission, which is of course providing a pretext for royal divorces."
Well, that's all for now! Hope your day got a little brighter. Tell your friends, if you did, and come see us again tomorrow! But most importantly, have a great day!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - March 21, 2011
Happy Monday, everybody, and happy beginning of Spring! Wanna see if this season is as funny as the last one? Let's dive in.
In communication news, AT&T is attempting to buy T-Mobile for $39 billion. Guess those commercials with the girl in the polka dot dress really worked.
In Belize, increased international demand for the grain quinoa has raised the price so much that the farmers growing the staple food are no longer able to afford eating it themselves. One local grower said "damn it! This is exactly what happened with cocaine!"
In Utah, the governor designated the Browning model M1911 handgun as the official state firearm. He also changed the state motto to "BLAM!"
In entertainment news, former actor Kevin Costner has officially joined the production of the new Superman movie. He immediately denied all rumors that the film would be "any good at all."
In legal news, an international pedophile ring was busted this week, netting over 300,000 suspected pedophiles. So, if the creepy guy who lives down down the street is still there, he's probably legit.
In diplomatic news, Carlos Pascual, America's ambassador to Mexico, has resigned after saying the Mexican government was proving ineffective in the war on drugs. He also confirmed that, yes, that dress does makes his wife's ass look a little fat.
In other romantic news, Tiger Woods has a new girlfriend. The famed golfer says he's happy to be in a relationship, and is looking forward to just cheating on one woman at a time.
In lastly, Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen just bought a refurbished MiG-29 fighter jet, meaning things are about to get very bad for anyone who ever gave him a wedgie.
In the end, that's all I've got for you today. Share us with your friends and networks through the magical buttons below, tell us what's on your mind, and come back soon!
Have a great day!
In communication news, AT&T is attempting to buy T-Mobile for $39 billion. Guess those commercials with the girl in the polka dot dress really worked.
In Belize, increased international demand for the grain quinoa has raised the price so much that the farmers growing the staple food are no longer able to afford eating it themselves. One local grower said "damn it! This is exactly what happened with cocaine!"
In Utah, the governor designated the Browning model M1911 handgun as the official state firearm. He also changed the state motto to "BLAM!"
In entertainment news, former actor Kevin Costner has officially joined the production of the new Superman movie. He immediately denied all rumors that the film would be "any good at all."
In legal news, an international pedophile ring was busted this week, netting over 300,000 suspected pedophiles. So, if the creepy guy who lives down down the street is still there, he's probably legit.
In diplomatic news, Carlos Pascual, America's ambassador to Mexico, has resigned after saying the Mexican government was proving ineffective in the war on drugs. He also confirmed that, yes, that dress does makes his wife's ass look a little fat.
In other romantic news, Tiger Woods has a new girlfriend. The famed golfer says he's happy to be in a relationship, and is looking forward to just cheating on one woman at a time.
In lastly, Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen just bought a refurbished MiG-29 fighter jet, meaning things are about to get very bad for anyone who ever gave him a wedgie.
In the end, that's all I've got for you today. Share us with your friends and networks through the magical buttons below, tell us what's on your mind, and come back soon!
Have a great day!
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