Wednesday Morning Monologue -July 17, 2013

Actor and comedian Danny McBride took a major spill on rollerskates yesterday. His injuries were not serious, but they were described as hilariously painful.

Google Street View now includes a trip to the top of the Eiffel Tower. To make it a truly realistic experience, they're working on a way of digitally transmitting the smell of a thousand unwashed tourists.

Stevie Wonder will now boycott states with "stand your ground" laws, because he'd rather not get murdered.

Vladimir Putin just piloted a minisub to the bottom of the ocean to examine an old shipwreck and continue checking off items on his "James Bond Villain Checklist."

Dave Matthews got stranded before a show recently, and caught a ride to his show from some of his own fans. Pretty brave, considering his fans were clearly stoned.

Gas prices are down one penny over the last three weeks, so the RECESSION IS OVER!

Greek workers are striking over layoffs. In other news, Greek scabs are having a fantastic week.

And finally, a racehorse owner is using his horse to fight cancer by naming the animal "Prostate Awareness." Coincidentally, that was actually Ron Artest's birth name.

Cheers!

Thursday Morning Monologue - November 29, 2012

In Asia, a man walked 5,000 miles using Google Maps as his only guide. In a related story, another man attempted the same trek with Apple Maps and died of exhaustion after walking in a circle for a week straight. His goal was to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door.

CNN is looking to rehabilitate their brand, and reached out to Jeffrey Zucker recently to lead the company. So, apparently CNN never pays attention to entertainment news. In a related story, Jay Leno will be taking over Anderson Cooper 360.

In Brussels, angry farmers protested falling milk prices by spraying milk all over police protecting the EU Parliament. In a related story, a group of male porn stars were preemptively denied a permit to protest their working conditions.

Germany is pushing forward anti-bestiality legislation. In a related story, IT'S STILL LEGAL TO HAVE SEX WITH ANIMALS IN GERMANY.

In Egypt, crowds are beginning to protest President Morsi for taking emergency powers recently. It's great news for people who didn't get a chance to protest the last time. Also, no one is surprised.

The U.K. representative to the U.N. said that the country will sit out the upcoming vote on Palestinian statehood, citing the horrible outcome the last time they played that game in the region.

In Rome, a protective barrier has been set up around the Coliseum, to keep people from being hit by falling stones from the ancient structure. Sadly, it looks like this will be the end of a millennia-long tradition of killing people there.

In Israel, many young people are protesting against circumcision. They're being real schmucks about it.

And that's the end.