Friday Morning Monologue - August 31, 2012

Big week! Little jokes.

At the Republican National Convention, John Sununu said that gay marriage is "too complicated" to discuss at the convention, leading me to believe John Sununu has no idea how sex works.

Fact checkers analyzed Paul Ryan's convention speech, finding it to be rife with lies and misleading information. So, he's ready for national politics.

Rep. Ryan also promised to create 12 million new jobs in the next four years, leading to to much rejoicing in Mumbai.

In his acceptance speech at the RNC last night, Mitt Romney promised he will increase the return on investment for his donors.

Hurricane Isaac is slowing as it leaves Louisiana, probably because of all the booze and fried food.

A federal appeals court struck down the new Texas voter ID law, much to the anger of Texas lawmakers who accused the the court of subverting the democratic process. And that's the job of the Texas legislature.

Volvo is cutting their production of new cars by ten percent. In a related story, Kohl's is reducing their production of boring beige sweater vests.

And finally, a recent medical study found that monkeys who live on a reduced calorie diet don't live any longer than other monkeys. It just feels that way.

Speaking of feeling that way, I feel like this blog is over. Hope you tolerated it!

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 30, 2012

Good morning, my friends.

Actress Shirley MacLaine says that today Hollywood "ignores older viewers" and their tastes. Also, the movies aren't loud enough.

Police in California suspect that Lindsay Lohan may have lied about a car accident in June. Their first clue was when her statement began with "I am not Lindsay Lohan."

In Moscow, Russian anti-Putin activist Taisiya Osipova was sentenced to eight years in prison for drug charges. Outside observers suspect the drugs were planted in a move planned to keep Osipova from being murdered by Putin for at least the next eight years.

A good Samaritan returned Edward Furlong's wallet after the actor was mugged in Los Angeles. No word yet on whether or not his career will ever turn up.

Danny Wright of Carlsbad, California, convicted of stealing 3,500 Pillow Pets from a warehouse, narrowly avoided a jail term, wherein he would certainly have learned a new-found empathy for Pillow Pets.

Today, Minneapolis hosts the first ever "Internet Cat Video Film Festival" in someone's basement.

Yesterday, President Obama went on Reddit to endorse an amendment to the Constitution aimed at overturning the "Citizens United" decision. He was immediately flamed for being a troll.

Also, he put the quote on a fundraising flyer. So...

And finally, in Berlin, Samsung unveiled a new line of tablets and smartphones immediately after leaving the Apple Store.

That's the end!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 29, 2012

What's happening, friends? What happened yesterday? I don't know. This stuff is all made up.

At the GOP convention last night, Ann Romney said of her husband Mitt that he would "lift up the country," presumably to see if any coins or other money were beneath it.

In other Ann Romney news, she recently taped an interview detailing her miscarriage, because that's way less personal and difficult to talk about than her husband's tax returns.

In Brazil, a man and two women sparked controversy by registering together for a civil union. Local religious groups are protesting the union on the grounds that it could make these people happy.

Retail computer news now. Someone has apparently leaked the Apple Store's training manual for the "Genius Bar," including tips and tricks for fixing common issues. Insiders think it may be part of a plot to keep Apple users from asking so many stupid questions at the Genius Bar.

A medical study from the U.K. said that heavy pot use among young people can lead to a loss of I.Q. points as adults. Also, it can contribute to you having just completely shit taste in music.

United Airlines flights were delayed for two and a half hours yesterday due to a computer virus, which was a change for the airline as it normally relies on good old human incompetence to delay their flights.

News outlets in Greece reported a Greek tanker ship seized by pirates off the Togo coast. Unfortunately for the pirates, it was immediately repossessed by the bank.

And finally, Duran Duran cancelled their third straight show on advice from keyboardist Nick Rhodes' doctor. The doctor clarified the situation, saying "oh, there's nothing wrong with him. I just hate their music. They should cancel all their shows."

Oops, that's it. I'm gonna go listen to The Wedding Album now.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 28, 2012

Yeah, laugh it up. It's all just a big joke, huh? Well, eight big jokes. Actually, eight small to medium jokes. Read on, MacDuff.

Smashing Pumpkins just announced tour dates. Unfortunately, the dates are not in 1995, so no one gives a shit.

In Taiwan, a senior health administrator caused some drama when he urged men to sit down to pee. The plan also calls for men to hold onto his inside-out pocket when walking in the prison workout yard together.

European scientists are working on a new device used to deaden the nerves in patients. In America, we just make people live in New York for a while. That tends to deaden them right up.

The American Academy of Pediatricians said this week that the benefits of male circumcision outweigh the risks. They didn't go so far as to recommend it in all cases, though. Instead, they said the study is "just a tip."

The childhood home of Muhammad Ali just went up for sale. Shouldn't be on the market too long, however, as the real estate agent confirmed to the press that she is "the greatest" at selling houses.

That's kind of a crap joke. Sorry. Go ahead, ask for your money back.

Shoe scanners at American airports have failed a battery of recent tests, so the TSA is going back to their old standby for scanning shoes: guys with a freaky foot fetish.

A study out of the University of Colorado found that certain types of nose implants caused infections after plastic surgery, which reinforces how important it is to be careful when picking your nose.

And finally, the NBC affiliate in Salt Lake City has pulled the new sitcom The New Normal from their schedule because it depicts a homosexual family. Station owners were worried the program would not conform to their values, or the values of the community. Seems like a real overreaction, though. After all, it's an NBC affiliate. No one was going to see that program anyway.

THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT!

Monday Morning Monologue - August 27, 2012

Given that the GOP convention hasn't started yet, I thought I'd do the Gulf Coast a favor and share some hurricane survival tips, as well as re-run last year's hurricane special. And really, what are we about here if not public service? Enjoy this fully justified excuse for me not watching the news today!

Tip #1: Call ahead when evacuating to make sure you're not wearing the same thing as your friends.

Tip #2: In a post-hurricane disaster, cash will be worthless. Instead, be sure to stock up on intrinsically valuable things, like the love of a good woman or the music of Justin Bieber.

Tip #3: Isaac is a stupid name for a hurricane. Therefore, it probably won't be that dangerous. Dress accordingly.

Tip #4: The hurricane's only natural enemy is the mountain lion. See if you can find one, and then make friends with it. This should take no longer than ten minutes.

Tip #5: When explaining your experiences to others after the hurricane, be sure to make liberal use of the phrase "You weren't there, man! You don't know!"

Tip #6: Early settlers believed that drinking Hurricanes would appease the angry hurricane god, and save the inebriated person from the storm. It's not true, but that's still one tasty superstition.

Tip #6: Try not to schedule any important, nationally televised, massive gatherings in hurricane-prone areas this time of year. But what kind of jackass would do that?

Tip #7: Bring an umbrella.

Tip #8: If at any time the power goes out, start screaming. Yeah, that will help.

And now, a blast from the past!

Monday Morning Monologue - August 29, 2011

Today's monologue is brought to you by Hurricane Irene, because what else use there to talk about? Also, instead of the usual jokes, I'll be bringing you helpful tips for making it through a hurricane with poise and dignity. Although it's debatable how much dignity is available when you're crapping in a plastic bag in the dark. Enjoy! (and if these seem familiar, it's probably because you follow me on Twitter or Facebook. If they don't sound familiar, then you should follow me on Facebook or Twitter!).

Tip #1: In any hurricane or natural disaster, always respect the "dibs" rule when looting.

Tip #2: The strength and speed of hurricanes are dissipated by wetlands. Always surround yourself with wetlands no matter where you go.

Tip #3: When evacuating, remember to get drunk enough to not feel fear, but also not so drunk that you feel invincible. Best to stop while you can still feel your face.

Tip #4: During any flood conditions, always stay near the fat guy, cause those suckers float! Also, they might have some candy.

Tip #5: When planning your evacuation route, make sure you go through the nicest neighborhood in town, in case you need to do some last minute looting.

Tip #6: Watch out for Zombies. You know, just in case.

Tip #7: Remember, standing in the hurricane-force wind and rain while screaming at the top of your lungs in defiance of the gods themselves is totally metal. But pace yourself, and drink some warm tea afterward. Black tea. It's the most metal of all teas.

Tip #8: After a hurricane, or any natural disaster, when you call FEMA for assistance, be sure to mention how white you are.

That's all for me for today. Stay safe, and if you have some extra dough, why not donate to the Red Cross? They do good work helping people, and some day they might be helping you.

Until then, have a great day!

Friday Morning Monologue - August 24, 2012

Love it or leave it. Please love it!

Falling circumcision rate in U.S. could lead to billions of dollars in health costs over time, as well as billions more spent on foreskin soap.

Mexican authorities in Michoacan negotiating with a separatist religious group trying to block children from attending school. Who knew the GOP was in Mexico?

Hey, remember Syria?

The new IRISNotes 2 text recognition computer program promises to turn your most unintelligible chicken scratch writing into understandable text. As proof, the makers used the program to make sense of Romney's position on welfare.

Just kidding. Hey, no seriously, what ever happened with Syria?

Hurricane Isaac is revving up, getting ready to hit Florida in time for the GOP convention. Fortunately the party leadership is used to ignoring hurricanes. It's bad news for the party, but it's still not as awkward as if they got a visit from Todd Akin. Or a rape victim.

Manufacturing is slowing in China this quarter, which must be causing all manner of wicked beatings in the factories.

Did we fix that whole Syria/Assad/Civil War thing? Can't remember now.

Election observers in Venezuela report that Hugo Chavez has a distinct monetary advantage over his challenger. He also has a distinct "I might just throw you in prison" advantage, too.

A medical study found that older men pass on more genetic mutations to their offspring, which probably means the next time Larry King has sex, Wolverine will happen.

Were they at the Olympics? Surely the press would have said something.

And finally, photos released of Prince Harry revealed that he is aptly named, and possibly Irish.

That's all! Have a great weekend, friends!

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 23, 2012

Twenty-three-skidoo! Have some jokes, my friends.

A recent medical study found "drinking alcohol while pregnant has long-lasting effects in children." It's also a problem for adults.

In Michigan, a fleet of talking smart cars are taking to the city streets. They tried it in New Jersey, but the cars wouldn't stop swearing.

Logitech unveiled a washable computer keyboard, which is great for... you know. Whatever. It's just great.

Missouri douchebag Todd Aikin said he is staying in the race because of his faith. Makes sense. God only knows why anyone would support him now.

Danish wind turbine firm Vestas cut 1,400 jobs, due to the market sucking. They really needed it to blow.

Korean rapper Psy is finding fame on the Internet thanks to a viral video of his horse-riding dance. Ann Romney is already attempting to purchase him for the 2016 Olympics.

Ecuador's volcano Tungurahua continues to spew lava and rocks, as American tourists in Ecuador continue to spew tequila on the rocks.

And finally, Minnesota state representative Gauthier dropped out of his upcoming race due to his recent sex scandal. A distraught Gauthier said he really wished he'd done something forgivable like make crazy assertions about female biology.

Anyway, that's all. Till next time!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 22, 2012

Some more jokes, perhaps? Yes, my pretties. Have your fill.

NASA’s Mars rover Curiosity has been busy beaming back images from Mars. It’s sent back photos of rocks, mountains, the sky, and what it’s been eating for dinner, because apparently someone installed Instagram. It’s got a Mars filter.

At an Ohio county fair this week, an alligator bit a trainer during a live show. The name of that show: Mr. Inevitable’s Amazing Roundup of Incredibly Likely Things.

Unificationist Church leader Rev. Sun Myung Moon has been hospitalized for pneumonia. While bedridden, the charismatic pastor still managed to oversee the group wedding of his entire medical team.

In New York, a man accused of faking his own death to collect on his life insurance has pleaded “Not Guilty” and “Not Alive.”

A study of college tuition costs found that the cost of a college degree has increased 1120% over the last 30 years. Sadly, most college students can’t do that math. One good bit of news from the study: the price of PBR and ping pong has stayed the same.

The Olympic flag arrived in Rio de Janiero, and it's already been kidnapped for ransom.

A Washington, D.C. police captain was demoted recently for acting as an escort for Charlie Sheen. No, not that kind of escort, but he still got screwed anyway.

And finally, three members of the Russian punk collective Pussy Riot, sentenced recently to prison for protesting Vladimir Putin, are going to the centerpiece of an art exhibition and fundraiser in New York City. Well, I've been making fun of Putin for years! Where's my fundraiser? Just to refresh your memory, here's my favorite, from June of 2011:

"In Russia, Human rights activist Yelena Bonner died at the age of 88 after a long illness. A heartbroken Vladimir Putin issued a statement expressing his regret that he never got around to killing her while she was alive."

You can use the PayPal button at your leisure, Amnesty International. Thanks!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 21, 2012

More jokes!

In Russia, an Islamist sect was found living underground for nearly a decade. Some of them had never seen the sun at all. It’s almost like they’d been playing World of Warcraft.

Gallup revealed that Congress’ approval rating is at an all-time low this year, making John Boenher and Harry Reid the Usain Bolt and Yohan Blake of sucking at government.

Stuntman and douchebag Bam Margera was detained and handcuffed at the airport this week for reeking of booze. He was also detained and handcuffed at Whole Foods for reeking of booze, and at the Zoo, and the mall... He’s got problems.

Zoologists in Florida captured a giant python this week, and found it was carrying over 80 eggs. They’re speculating that it was in Florida hoping to talk shop with the Octomom.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is set to deliver the keynote speech at this year’s GOP convention. It’s going to be the first time the speech has to be bleeped.

Things are looking bad at Groupon, the daily deals website. Rumor is that their salespeople are ready to jump ship, which would explain why the website is offering so many deals on cheap salesman rentals.

In India, police blocked famous yoga guru Baba Ramdev from marching on parliament to protest corruption. However, he was allowed to defiantly crabwalk on city hall. Baby steps.

And finally, according to a recent workplace satisfaction study, Facebook is no longer one of the greatest places to work. It is still one of the greatest ways to waste time at work.

More tomorrow!

Monday Morning Monologue - August 20, 2012

Here's some jokes.

The Olympics ended last Sunday, and NBC just finished the last of its delayed broadcast. Now they’ll have to go back to sucking at regular programs for the next four years. They’ve got a new show premiering tonight: “America’s Got No Reason To Watch NBC.”

Doctors recently found a link between blood type and an increased risk of heart disease. Especially if your blood type is “Fatass.”

Did you hear that Kim Kardashian’s divorce from Kris Humphries is unlikely to be finalized this year? This means her divorce proceedings will be twice as long as her marriage. Said Kim, “if I knew divorce was such a huge commitment, I probably would have just stayed married.”

The owner of Surfthechannel, a website that streamed illegal copies of television shows, just got sentenced to prison this week. I bet now he wishes he hadn’t watched all those episodes of OZ.

Actress Lindsay Lohan will earn two million dollars in 2012, or as she calls it “half my legal fees.”

Jennifer Aniston is engaged to Justin Theroux, so she’ll be off the market for at least six months.

Reuters reported that U.S. bank examiners ordered American banks to make plans for preventing another collapse like the one in 2008. They then ordered the banks to build a time machine. I’m kidding, of course. U.S. bank examiners can’t order anyone to do anything.

And finally, two New Jersey towns turned down offers to film the next Jersey Shore spinoff, but that’s probably just because the towns weren’t drunk enough yet.

That's all!

Friday Morning Monologue - August 17, 2012

Oh, what a wonderful vacation it's been. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. And to cap it all off, here is the most-viewed post in the history of Late Night Morning. Enjoy! (again?)

Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 24, 2011

Happy Tuesday! Let's get to it.

In Philadelphia, an alleged crime boss was arrested yesterday. In hindsight, his only mistake was being a crime boss.

Speaking of crime, a man in Colorado Springs robbed a Wells Fargo bank while on crutches. Witnesses reported feeling terrified and inspired.

In fake crime, a 44-year old Canadian man told his wife that he had been mugged, rather than admit that he was unable to secure tickets to Oprah Winfrey's last show. Too bad Oprah's going off the air, because that sounds like a good show topic.

Speaking of talk show hosts, Rikki Lake said recently that being in love has made her fat. Still no explanation as to what made her a terrible actress.

In end of the world news, Biblical math-enthusiast Harold Camping, the 89-year old who predicted the world would end on Saturday, clarified yesterday that the actual end of the world will occur on October 21st. It's amazing that Camping has stuck to his guns on the whole "I figured out when the world is going to end" business, rather than just admit that he doesn't understand metaphors.

In other news signaling the end of the world, let's talk about the Billboard Music Awards. At the ceremony this weekend, Rihanna's security detail kept little Justin Bieber from talking to the star at the end of the program. Bieber, obviously angered by the snub, kept his cool and didn't bite anyone. Are you taking notes, Chris Brown?

Speaking of taking notes, TMZ is reporting that the Schwarzenegger love child story was initially leaked to the press by Maria Shriver's people. Seems fair, seeing as how the whole thing started with a leak from Arnold.

And lastly, Mark Zuckerberg said this week that he thinks children under 13 should be allowed to use Facebook, due to the great potential for education afforded by the website. NAMBLA issued a statement of support.

That's all for now, I guess. See you tomorrow! Till, then, don't forget your sunblock, and have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 16, 2012

Working on my tan. It's coming along nicely. Enjoy this blast from the recent past!

Monday Morning Monologue - April 30, 2012

Say goodbye to April, everybody. And say it with laughter.

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of the death of Osama bin Laden, and many within the Republican party are accusing President Obama of playing politics with bin Ladin’s death. Which isn’t fair, considering that playing politics with national security has always been their thing.

The FDA just approved a new medication, Levaquin, for treating the plague. Wait a minute. Why are we making new drugs for the plague? WHAT ARE YOU NOT TELLING US, FDA?!

In New York, the Mayor’s office authorized additional livery cabs for the outer boroughs, so now there will be even more cabs out on the streets, ready to ignore black people.

After a recent anti-Saudi protests in Egypt, the Egyptian government is trying to smooth things over with the Saudi Arabian government. As part of their efforts, they’ve promised to “completely treat women like shit.”

Students in a dorm at the University of Alabama were held up by an armed robber this weekend. While the experience was traumatic, it’s nothing compared to the tender mercies of Sallie Mae.

A former Miss New Hampshire was arrested for kicking and biting her boyfriend after he accused her of cheating. Shouldn’t be a surprise, though, as her portion of the Talent competition was called simply “Jerry Springer-ing.”

In Dallas, a police officer was arrested for driving drunk, firing his weapon and possession of marijuana. He’s considering a transfer to the Secret Service.

And finally, New York City is considering a ban on “happy hour” promotions at bars. Critics argue that they’re too misleading, and have proposed renaming them “maudlin resignation hours.”

And that’s it! Later, gaters.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 15, 2012

More repeats!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 5, 2012

Alright, alright. I'll write. It's Tuesday all across America. Very important day in politics. Hope you all had a great breakfast. Yes, the banter is particularly disjointed today. Apologies. All apologies. Smells like Teen Spirit. By Mennen. I really shouldn't try to banter while watching the Thunder play.

Okay, how about some jokes?

Actor and activist Brad Pitt is lending his voice to a radio production of the marriage equality play 8, which is far less depressing than it's prequel Se7en. But both still oddly feature Gwenyth Paltrow's severed head.

In great news for terrible people, word is coming down that soon kids may be able to join Facebook, so they won't have to pretend they're adults anymore. At the same time, creepy old dudes will no longer have to pretend that they're kids pretending to be 14 years old. The Internet is confusing.

In Catholicism news, Sister Margaret Farley was denounced by the Vatican for writing a theological rationale for gay relationships and masturbation. The Vatican said her work "poses grave harm," which means they probably don't understand the mechanics of sex.

In sad news, a Black Bear was euthanized after it ate the remains of a murderer in Canada. Guys, nobody eat that bear. Seriously. Stop the cycle.

Four men were found guilty in Denmark for planning a terror plot against a newspaper for publishing cartoons of the Prophet Muhammed. But no one seems to give a shit about all the newspapers in the world that carry The Family Circus.

Economists figured out recently that a victory this November by President Obama will end up costing Mitt Romney $5million in tax increases. A Romney victory, on the other hand, will wind up costing him substantially more.

Because he has to spend a lot of money for votes.

Comedian Bill Maher just bought a stake in the New York Mets baseball team because he really does have a love of good jokes.

And finally, psychologists are working to understand a new mental disorder they're calling the "Truman Show delusion," which makes people think they're living in a counterfeit world, watched by everyone, just like the movie The Truman Show. There's also a lesser known "NBC delusion" that makes people think that no one is watching them, ever.

Whew. Thunder up, my friends.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 14, 2012

Vacation reruns continue!

Thursday Morning Monologue - May 24, 2012

What's up, friends? How about we find out... together. Aww...

In Egypt, the national presidential election began yesterday. Security forces were on hand to respond to violence from Ron Paul supporters.

In Pakistan, the doctor who helped the CIA find Osama bin Laden was sentenced to 33 years in prison for treason. Should have been spying on Tyler Clementi instead.

A vial purported to contain a sample of Ronald Reagan's blood is up for auction. How about we infect the Gipper's sample with HIV? Maybe then the GOP would fund someAIDS research.

Speaking of the GOP, Newt Gingrich's private venture projects are going bankrupt, so he may have to get back into the presidential race. LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE FREE MARKET!

Zoologists have found evidence of Chimps exhibiting human behavior recently. Specifically, they've noticed an increase in Chimps polluting the environment, buying lottery tickets and ignoring the news.

In Beijing, health officials are imposing an allowable limit of two flies per any public toilet. Any additional flies will be aborted. In a related story, Senator Larry Craig said "two flies per toilet? Sounds like a good start."

Secret Service agents dismissed in the prostitution scandal are contesting their firings, as well as their credit card bills.

And finally, Jack Kerouac's classic work On the Road is now a major motion picture, showing a whole new generation that writing doesn't need to be good to have an impact.

I'M LIVING PROOF! And that's it! Let's do it again tomorrow!

Monday Morning Monologue - August 13, 2012

Hi all,

The Late Night Morning is going on vacation this week, because why not? So, I'll be running some of the more popular posts from the archives. Check it out!

Monday Morning Monologue - May 2, 2011

Happy Monday! Do you smell something roasting? You probably will in about 30 seconds.

In television news news, sources at The Today Show report that Ann Curry may be taking over Meredith Viera's spot, although there is about an 80% chance that Jeff Zucker will make them give it to Jay Leno.

In romantic news, Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn publicly confirmed that they are in a relationship. They previously announced it on an episode of The Tonight Show, but since no one saw, they felt they needed to announce again.

In videogame news, a surprising number of Sony Playstation Network users are sticking with the company, even after their credit card numbers and email addresses were stolen by hackers last month. One consumer explained "we can forgive them; after all, it's not like they cancelled Conan O'Brien."

In movie news, Fast Five brought in $83Million this weekend, making it number one at the box office. Despite the success of the film, distributor Universal is demanding that the next installment star Jay Leno and his collection of old cars.

In political news, prominent Democrats are denouncing the destructive Obama-bashing going on in the press. Instead, they're calling for the sort of unity the country found last year when we were all bashing Jay Leno.

In sports news, Celtics star Paul Pierce was ejected from game one of the Celtics/Heat playoff series. Jay Leno immediately started campaigning to replace him.

In religious news, 1.5 Million people came from all over the world to watch the beatification of Pope John Paul II this weekend, proving once again that people would rather watch a dead guy than Jay Leno.

And finally, in legal news, Lindsay Lohan said this weekend she wants to put the stolen necklace case behind her. The troubled starlet said she'll do anything, "even go back onThe Tonight Show again."

That's all for now. Hope you enjoyed this utterly unprovoked roast. Maybe we'll do it again sometime. Come back tomorrow, and tell your friends! Unless you're friends with Jay Leno.

Have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 9, 2012

Hot news for hot people! Let's have some jokes!

In Olympic news, seven athletes from Cameroon have surreptitiously left the Olympic village, meaning that the country has totally won the Defecting for Economic Reasons event!

The NFL's first female referee said she isn't intimidated by her new role, promising that she can be just as awful as any male referee. Go get 'em!

In economic news, McDonald's blamed the sluggish economy for weak sales last quarter. Also, no toys.

Productivity among U.S. workers rose 1.6% during the 2nd quarter this year, leading to speculation that Facebook must have been down at some point.

Hurricane Ernesto is weakening over southern Mexico, probably due to diarrhea. Wouldn't be the first.

In Louisiana, a charter school is forcing girls to take pregnancy tests, and will ban any pregnant girls from school. This may be illegal, though, considering it violates the "No Fetus Left Behind" Act. Also, why would a school want to expel students who can pass a standardized test?

Gillian Anderson is back on the market, after breaking up with her longtime partner Mark Griffiths, and somehow I just got a boner in the year 2000.

And finally, the latest film adaptation of The Great Gatsby has been pushed back to a summer 2013 release, presumably to add more Channing Tatum and make it 3D.

Carol Channing Tatum. Think about that image.

Okay, that'll do, pig. And by "pig" I mean "the part of my brain that writes jokes." Bye!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 8, 2012

Hi! Meteorologists report that this is so far the hottest summer on record for the northeast. It's probably because of my new haircut. Sorry, everyone.

Television viewers watching the Olympics in Usain Bolt's hometown in Jamaica panicked yesterday when the power went out just before Bolt's 100meter race. But, then they remembered that they weren't being forced to endure NBC's godawful commentary, and celebrations broke out.

According to a new study, neurologists found differences in the brain scans of hoarders. Seems that in certain parts of the brain that are usually empty, hoarders have a bunch of newspapers and old plates shoved in.

Gov. Romney is gaining on President Obama in the fundraising race. Remember, the first one to hit the "Buy it Now" price of the White House on eBay wins!

The NYPD has come under fire from women for pat downs by male officers that they claim have a "sexual overtone." Officers have been instructed to be more subtle when rubbing their semi-erect penises against suspect's bodies. And to quit patting themselves down in public.

That's a masturbation joke.

The company Kno is now offering high school textbooks on e-readers. And fortunately, you will still be able to draw pictures of wieners in the margins for the next user.

"Scientists" in a recent "study" found a person's eyes may indicate their sexual orientation, especially if the eyes won't stop looking at boobs or wangs.

Three dick jokes? Is this a record?

Organizers of a mosque in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, finally got a court order allowing them to continue building their mosque. Celebrations were tempered by the fact that they were still in Tennessee.

And finally, a Chevron oil refinery in California is currently burning. A representative from the company said they expect to have the fire contained just as soon as gas rises another $0.30 per gallon.

That's the end!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 7, 2012

What up, party people? Shall we commence to joking?

Revenue for Yelp.com is up 67% this quarter, largely because the site has been getting such positive reviews on itself.

Doctors find that honey can ease nighttime coughing for children, but not if you mix it with whiskey. That will just make 'em mean.

Speaking of children and nighttime, another study found that watching nonviolent videos before bed will calm preschoolers, especially if they're scared little bitches.

In technology news, Lenovo unveiled a new line of ThinkPad laptops with a completely redesigned Blue Screen of Death.

Chrysler Motor Company told investors this weekend that their new 3D modelling program is lowering the cost of designing transmissions, although most Chevy drivers are already well-acquainted with their "exploded view."

Novartis and Penn State University are partnering to create a drug that trains the immune system to spot and destroy cancer cells. Now if only someone could teach Penn State employees to spot and stop pedophilia.

Musician and dementia-enthusiast Ted Nugent said yesterday that President Obama "represents everything bad about humanity," which is a pretty rude thing to say about the American people.

And finally, NASA's Curiosity Rover landed on Mars yesterday, after the harrowing "Seven Minutes of Terror" when it was out of contact with NASA and flying on its own. "Seven Minutes of Terror" is also what the stuck-up assholes in High School called it when they were playing spin-the-bottle and had to make out with a nerd. Well guess what, dickheads! A bunch of nerds just landed on Mars, AND YOUR TAX DOLLARS PAID FOR IT! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA! SUCK IT!

Okay, hope you enjoyed this! More tomorrow.

Monday Morning Monologue - August 5, 2012

Oh, happy day! It's a day for jokes. Let's do that.

A recent psychological study found that depression rates rise among teenage girls. I blame Twilight.

Internet analysts found that there are 83 million "fake" people on Facebook. And that's not even including your old roommate. You know the one I'm talking about.

Egypt's new president swore in his cabinet, saying that he's really looking forward to working with them for the next few weeks, or however long they last.

American Insurance Group (AIG) is looking to buy back its stock from the government. This is terrible news. If they keep buying up worthless crap like that, they'll be bankrupt again in no time!

A New Jersey man found pythons in his yard twice in four days last week, but says he still rejects Freudian dream interpretation.

Apple is moving its iCloud data center to Reno, so don't be surprised if your data gets addicted to slot machines, becomes alcoholic and eventually turns to stripping.

Bad news for the environment. Schools of fish in Australia, under an area of weak ozone layer, have developed skin cancer. But in a happy turn, sushi chefs are already working on recipes for Tempura Tumor Rolls.

And finally, it's officially August, and it is most likely the hottest month in the history of the world. I think that's what scientists have been saying. I don't know, it's so hard to pay attention to anything when it gets this hot. In that same vein, here are some tips for keeping your composure in the heat this summer.

Heat survival tips
* You may think it would be cooler if you were actually on fire. But that's not the case. Don't set yourself on fire.

* Lose some damn weight.

* Sweat helps to dissipate heat from your body. Try and steal sweat from others to cool yourself.

* Carrying around anger can lead you to overheat. So when you get mad, just punch someone.

* Dogs cool themselves by panting with their tongues out. Isn't that silly? Stupid dogs.

* In Iraq, average temperatures regularly reach well above 115 degrees. So maybe quit your bitching.

* Remember that one time, in the winter, when there was all that snow, and you were so mad about it? What does it take to make you happy?!

* Some people say that fans are a perfect substitute for air conditioning. Those people are assholes. Don't listen to them.

Bye! Stay cool!

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 2, 2012

Check this out. It's jokes and such.

In India, utilities companies restored power to 600 million people left in the dark after the power grid failed. When asked if something similar could happen in America, the federal government was quick to say "no," but only because there aren't 600 million people in America.

If you've been on Twitter lately, you've probably seen the popular #NBCFail hashtag trending in the last week. It's become so popular, in fact, that NBC decided to make it their new slogan.

Although they really did that as soon as they put Whitney on the air.

Colin Farrell said in an interview that he was "saved" by his son. That's a lot of responsibility to put on one kid. But now we know who to blame if Total Recall sucks.

In Rhode Island, the oldest general store closed this week after being in operation for 224 years. The saddest moment was when they took down the photo of the store's first winning lottery ticket. The number was 12. Also, Twinkies are blah blah blah.

Netflix debuted a new assistant called "Max" on the PS3. It will help to recommend new movies and television shows as well as automatically sending out your Social Security Number and the name of your childhood pet.

A glitch in software at the New York Stock Exchange caused some serious trading anomalies yesterday, and trading had to be briefly suspended. A representative later said that it would be fixed by Thursday. And by "fixed" they mean "rigged."

Eight women badminton players were booted out of the Olympics yesterday for throwing matches during the tournament, although analysts agreed that they all could have been contenders. Whew.

And finally, anti-marriage equality supporters thronged to Chick-Fil-A stores yesterday to show support for the company's stance against gay marriage. In a related story, your favorite lunch spot was probably devoid of assholes yesterday. Thanks, dickheads!

See you tomorrow, friends!