Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe says that his victory is a clear mandate from the people to take over international banks in the country. Basically, he says it's a mandate to take control of any place known for keeping an accurate count of things.
Doctors at the University of Virginia at Charolottesville concluded that kids who drink sugary beverages are more likely to be obese. But still no clear link to cooties.
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is purchasing The Washington Post, just when you thought no one was buying the newspaper anymore.
American security services said that embassies and consulates in the middle east will remain closed following communications they intercepted from al Qaeda, which must mean that al Qaeda is finally on Facebook.
The Obama administration vetoes a recent ban on the importation of various Apple iPhones. When asked why, White House spokesmen said "because they're totally easy to spy on."
Time Warner Cable has blacked out CBS following stalled negotiations, although CBS programming will still be available on the Internet. And if there's one thing CBS viewers are comfortable with, it's the Internet.
In London, scientists debuted the world's first lab-grown hamburger. The patty cost just under $200,000 to produce, which is why fast food workers can't get a raise.
And finally, other scientists used an atomic force microscope to paint the world's smallest copy of "The Mona Lisa" using a process called thermochemical nanolithography. No word on what process or microscope they'll use to find someone who gives a shit.
Ta.
Showing posts with label cbs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cbs. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 31, 2013
Firefighters in London report a surge of handcuff-related injuries from people inspired to reenact scenes from Fifty Shades of Grey. Who would have guessed people who loved that book would be too dumb to work a pair of handcuffs?
Scientists found that a diabetes pill has an anti-aging effect in lab mice. "Great news!" said the diabetic lab mice. "We were hoping to drag out this existence as long as possible!"
A man arrested by the DEA and left abandoned in a windowless cell for four days was just awarded a $4.1 million settlement, and a co-creator credit for the reality series based on his experiences. The show is called Drink Your Own Urine.
Dock workers in Los Angeles found a cat stowed away in a freighter that arrived from the Philippines. So now cats are sneaking into the country to take all our pooping-in-boxes-and-sleeping-all-day jobs.
New York City's large soda ban was just ruled unconstitutional, under the "Full Faith and Fatass" clause.
Anthony Weiner released a video yesterday saying that he won't quit. He won't quit the race mayoral race, and he won't quit describing his dick to strange women on the Internet.
Time Warner Cable has decided not to pull CBS from its cable service, despite ongoing contract renegotiations. So don't worry, you'll still be greeted by the latest episode of NCIS when you visit your grandparents.
And finally, mass killing suspect and militant racist Anders Breivik just applied to attend university. He's going to be so pissed off when he learns about affirmative action.
That's it!
Scientists found that a diabetes pill has an anti-aging effect in lab mice. "Great news!" said the diabetic lab mice. "We were hoping to drag out this existence as long as possible!"
A man arrested by the DEA and left abandoned in a windowless cell for four days was just awarded a $4.1 million settlement, and a co-creator credit for the reality series based on his experiences. The show is called Drink Your Own Urine.
Dock workers in Los Angeles found a cat stowed away in a freighter that arrived from the Philippines. So now cats are sneaking into the country to take all our pooping-in-boxes-and-sleeping-all-day jobs.
New York City's large soda ban was just ruled unconstitutional, under the "Full Faith and Fatass" clause.
Anthony Weiner released a video yesterday saying that he won't quit. He won't quit the race mayoral race, and he won't quit describing his dick to strange women on the Internet.
Time Warner Cable has decided not to pull CBS from its cable service, despite ongoing contract renegotiations. So don't worry, you'll still be greeted by the latest episode of NCIS when you visit your grandparents.
And finally, mass killing suspect and militant racist Anders Breivik just applied to attend university. He's going to be so pissed off when he learns about affirmative action.
That's it!
Monday, April 4, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 5, 2011
Okay, it's Tuesday. Nothing you can do about it, so you might as well laugh. To that end, may I interest you in some jokes?
McDonald's announced it is hiring 50,000 new workers as part of a planned expansion across America. The news sent stock prices skyrocketing for companies that manufacture fat pants.
Speaking of fat pants, looks like Kevin Smith dodged a bullet when he got booted off a Southwest flight for being overweight, as it turns out their planes are made of fatigued steel and good intentions. Not a great place for a big guy.
In television news news, CBS anchor Katie Couric is leaving the network to pursue her first love: undergoing colonoscopies and making people watch the video.
President Obama announced this weekend he is seeking reelection. It's great that he's taken on the work of campaigning, because he's had way too much free time lately.
A rumor is circulating that princess-to-be Kate Middleton may have to sign a prenup agreement. When reached for comment, Prince William simply said "I ain't no chump."
In Kazakhstan, President Nazarbayev won a completely fair and transparent election recently, taking 95.5% of the vote. In a related story, 4.5% of Kazakhstani people just got really nervous.
After a disastrous opening night in Detroit, Charlie Sheen's not-at-all-insane live tour got rave reviews in Chicago. Why? Because he's bi-polar. He's mentally ill, and he needs help.
Lastly, a record was set this past week for modern Chinese art, when a Chinese artist sold a triptych of paintings for $10 million. It was originally a tetrad, but censors confiscated the fourth painting. Because they're totalitarian!
Okay, that's all from me. Keep slogging away, friends! Share the "joy" with your friends and acquaintances and come back for more tomorrow! And as always, have a great day!
McDonald's announced it is hiring 50,000 new workers as part of a planned expansion across America. The news sent stock prices skyrocketing for companies that manufacture fat pants.
Speaking of fat pants, looks like Kevin Smith dodged a bullet when he got booted off a Southwest flight for being overweight, as it turns out their planes are made of fatigued steel and good intentions. Not a great place for a big guy.
In television news news, CBS anchor Katie Couric is leaving the network to pursue her first love: undergoing colonoscopies and making people watch the video.
President Obama announced this weekend he is seeking reelection. It's great that he's taken on the work of campaigning, because he's had way too much free time lately.
A rumor is circulating that princess-to-be Kate Middleton may have to sign a prenup agreement. When reached for comment, Prince William simply said "I ain't no chump."
In Kazakhstan, President Nazarbayev won a completely fair and transparent election recently, taking 95.5% of the vote. In a related story, 4.5% of Kazakhstani people just got really nervous.
After a disastrous opening night in Detroit, Charlie Sheen's not-at-all-insane live tour got rave reviews in Chicago. Why? Because he's bi-polar. He's mentally ill, and he needs help.
Lastly, a record was set this past week for modern Chinese art, when a Chinese artist sold a triptych of paintings for $10 million. It was originally a tetrad, but censors confiscated the fourth painting. Because they're totalitarian!
Okay, that's all from me. Keep slogging away, friends! Share the "joy" with your friends and acquaintances and come back for more tomorrow! And as always, have a great day!
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