Hello, friends. Hunker down and dig in on these here jokes.
In Qatar, organizers for the World Cup are questioning the need to sell alcoholic beverages at the games, indicating that they've never actually been to a sporting event.
Bad news for Bear Grylls, star of Man vs. Wild, who was fired from his show by Discovery Channel. Although he's already shopping a new program: Man vs. Unemployment. Also bad news for everyone looking for a job, because now they have to compete with Bear Grylls. Good luck with that.
Encyclopaedia Britannica will no longer be publishing actual, physical books, opting instead for an electronic version. So now, instead of a long row of dusty, unopened books on your shelf, it will just be a small, dusty thumb drive. PROGRESS!
Former 90210 star Jennie Garth is getting divorced. I can't help but blame Shannon Doherty.
Rick Santorum is attacking Mitt Romney for how Romney reportedly treated the family dog during a long road trip. Santorum suggested that Romney should have shown the dog greater love, but then again if he had, Santorum would probably just accuse Romney of being gay. Because Santorum said that homosexuality was the equivalent of bestiality.
He sucks.
Russia said yesterday that it will not intervene military to protect Syrian presidential monster Bashar Assad. Unless, of course, his check clears.
The ruling junta in Burma has agreed to televise a speech by opposition leader Aun San Suu Kyii, but they do reserve the right to swap out the audio for the sound of someone farting.
And finally, election officials in Egypt reported that 500 people are running for the nation's presidency (despite what happened to the last one). Donald Trump has threatened to make it 501.
That's that! More later. Till then, have a great day!
Showing posts with label booze. Show all posts
Showing posts with label booze. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - April 28, 2011
So, this is Thursday, traditionally known as Ladies' Night. Congratulations, ladies. Make it count. Okay, whatever. Enjoy these jokes.
President Obama released his full birth certificate yesterday, and it turns out he's actually from America. And his birthday is coming up. I'm sure Orily Taitz will be getting him a great birthday present. 'Cause she's so damn classy.
Lindsay Lohan said she wants an Oscar by the time she's 30. Apparently she's already staked out Marisa Tomei's house.
She also said she was numb after hearing that she would have to go to jail. In a related story, Bernie Madoff would give anything for certain parts of himself to be numb.
A new company is marketing low-proof booze. It's sold along with novocaine condoms and decaf espresso.
In Washington, Rep. Dean Heller will fill John Ensign's empty Senate seat. Hope he washes it first.
Steven Tyler, formerly of Aerosmith and currently of American Idol, said in a recent interview that he joined the show to prove a point to his former bandmates: that he can ruin music without them.
In San Francisco, a group is lobbying to ban circumcisions. They had trouble gaining popular support with their first slogan, though: "hands off our penises."
And finally, doctors in the southwest found that armadillos are spreading leprosy, which would explain why Jesus is spending so much time with them.
That's it for me! Spencer is here tomorrow, and Ernest is here on Sunday, so come back and get your fill of funny.
And if you're in Hoboken or the NYC area this weekend, come see me at The Clam Broth House in Hoboken, Friday at 9 pm or Saturday at 7 pm at the Eastville Comedy Club. Do it!
And gave a great day.
President Obama released his full birth certificate yesterday, and it turns out he's actually from America. And his birthday is coming up. I'm sure Orily Taitz will be getting him a great birthday present. 'Cause she's so damn classy.
Lindsay Lohan said she wants an Oscar by the time she's 30. Apparently she's already staked out Marisa Tomei's house.
She also said she was numb after hearing that she would have to go to jail. In a related story, Bernie Madoff would give anything for certain parts of himself to be numb.
A new company is marketing low-proof booze. It's sold along with novocaine condoms and decaf espresso.
In Washington, Rep. Dean Heller will fill John Ensign's empty Senate seat. Hope he washes it first.
Steven Tyler, formerly of Aerosmith and currently of American Idol, said in a recent interview that he joined the show to prove a point to his former bandmates: that he can ruin music without them.
In San Francisco, a group is lobbying to ban circumcisions. They had trouble gaining popular support with their first slogan, though: "hands off our penises."
And finally, doctors in the southwest found that armadillos are spreading leprosy, which would explain why Jesus is spending so much time with them.
That's it for me! Spencer is here tomorrow, and Ernest is here on Sunday, so come back and get your fill of funny.
And if you're in Hoboken or the NYC area this weekend, come see me at The Clam Broth House in Hoboken, Friday at 9 pm or Saturday at 7 pm at the Eastville Comedy Club. Do it!
And gave a great day.
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