In Asia, a man walked 5,000 miles using Google Maps as his only guide. In a related story, another man attempted the same trek with Apple Maps and died of exhaustion after walking in a circle for a week straight. His goal was to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door.
CNN is looking to rehabilitate their brand, and reached out to Jeffrey Zucker recently to lead the company. So, apparently CNN never pays attention to entertainment news. In a related story, Jay Leno will be taking over Anderson Cooper 360.
In Brussels, angry farmers protested falling milk prices by spraying milk all over police protecting the EU Parliament. In a related story, a group of male porn stars were preemptively denied a permit to protest their working conditions.
Germany is pushing forward anti-bestiality legislation. In a related story, IT'S STILL LEGAL TO HAVE SEX WITH ANIMALS IN GERMANY.
In Egypt, crowds are beginning to protest President Morsi for taking emergency powers recently. It's great news for people who didn't get a chance to protest the last time. Also, no one is surprised.
The U.K. representative to the U.N. said that the country will sit out the upcoming vote on Palestinian statehood, citing the horrible outcome the last time they played that game in the region.
In Rome, a protective barrier has been set up around the Coliseum, to keep people from being hit by falling stones from the ancient structure. Sadly, it looks like this will be the end of a millennia-long tradition of killing people there.
In Israel, many young people are protesting against circumcision. They're being real schmucks about it.
And that's the end.
Showing posts with label united nations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label united nations. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - September 10, 2012
Hey, sorry. Stepped outside to take the trash out, and wouldn't you know I left my keys inside. I've been locked out all week. Did anything happen? Oh, man. Okay, let's get back to this.
Clint Eastwood tried to explain his bizarre speech at the Republican National Convention by saying that talking to an empty chair was no different than his experience acting alongside Justin Timberlake.
Over the weekend, a tornado touched down in Brooklyn and Queens, New York, because Manhattan is too crowded and expensive.
Steven Tyler was spotted on a nude beach in Maui, or else someone captured an old dried up jellyfish and shoved it on the end of a broomstick.
Rev. Jesse Jackson said that his son, recuperating from psychiatric treatment, shouldn't rush back to Congress. Instead, Rev. Jackson suggested his son do something more useful with his time. Like Sudoku.
Zoologists in San Diego were able to determine the gender of panda cub this week. They asked the panda how it was feeling, and after half an hour... wonk, wonk, wonk. Ladies like to talk about their feelings!
The Syrian government criticized France's decision to support Syrian rebels, saying that France was undermining the U.N. envoy, which is ridiculous because the envoy is already useless.
Tennessee and AT&T are teaming up for testing a 911 text service, so you can send for help and cause a car accident at the same time.
And finally, a Los Angeles court ruled that the city cannot confiscate and destroy homeless people's belongings without just cause. The city vowed to appeal the decision in the case of "City of Los Angeles v. Human Decency."
That's all for now. But I bet more stuff will need to be made fun of tomorrow.
Clint Eastwood tried to explain his bizarre speech at the Republican National Convention by saying that talking to an empty chair was no different than his experience acting alongside Justin Timberlake.
Over the weekend, a tornado touched down in Brooklyn and Queens, New York, because Manhattan is too crowded and expensive.
Steven Tyler was spotted on a nude beach in Maui, or else someone captured an old dried up jellyfish and shoved it on the end of a broomstick.
Rev. Jesse Jackson said that his son, recuperating from psychiatric treatment, shouldn't rush back to Congress. Instead, Rev. Jackson suggested his son do something more useful with his time. Like Sudoku.
Zoologists in San Diego were able to determine the gender of panda cub this week. They asked the panda how it was feeling, and after half an hour... wonk, wonk, wonk. Ladies like to talk about their feelings!
The Syrian government criticized France's decision to support Syrian rebels, saying that France was undermining the U.N. envoy, which is ridiculous because the envoy is already useless.
Tennessee and AT&T are teaming up for testing a 911 text service, so you can send for help and cause a car accident at the same time.
And finally, a Los Angeles court ruled that the city cannot confiscate and destroy homeless people's belongings without just cause. The city vowed to appeal the decision in the case of "City of Los Angeles v. Human Decency."
That's all for now. But I bet more stuff will need to be made fun of tomorrow.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 17, 2012
Ugh. Jokes now.
The captain of the Costa Concordia said yesterday that "I am clear with my conscience." It should be pointed out that his conscience is a worthless asshole.
Protesters in Egypt taunted Secretary of State Clinton recently with shouts of "Monica, Monica, Monica" before presumably going off to listen to Chumbawumba and watch Seinfeld.
North Korea's army chief was relieved of duty this week due to an undisclosed "illness." Some observers say it indicates a possible power struggle, but it's just as likely that the dude has scurvy. Seriously, those are some malnourished people.
In other world news, the United Nations found rampant corruption within the Somali government, which is actually great news, considering that in previous years Somalia's government was too weak to support graft and corruption.
In Oregon, gloves are no longer required for food service workers, thanks to the tireless lobbying of the diarrhea industry.
NBC's Today Show lost in the ratings again last week, even after the addition of new co-host Savanna Guthrie. Just to be safe, NBC fired Ann Curry again.
A passenger flying back from Europe on Delta airlines was served a turkey sandwich with sewing needles inside. The passenger was rightfully upset, as she had specifically ordered the vegetarian sewing needle option.
And finally, Microsoft is touting Office 2013's ability to fully integrate with popular programs like Yammer and Skype, promising to ruin them with greater efficiency than ever before.
Tell your friends.
The captain of the Costa Concordia said yesterday that "I am clear with my conscience." It should be pointed out that his conscience is a worthless asshole.
Protesters in Egypt taunted Secretary of State Clinton recently with shouts of "Monica, Monica, Monica" before presumably going off to listen to Chumbawumba and watch Seinfeld.
North Korea's army chief was relieved of duty this week due to an undisclosed "illness." Some observers say it indicates a possible power struggle, but it's just as likely that the dude has scurvy. Seriously, those are some malnourished people.
In other world news, the United Nations found rampant corruption within the Somali government, which is actually great news, considering that in previous years Somalia's government was too weak to support graft and corruption.
In Oregon, gloves are no longer required for food service workers, thanks to the tireless lobbying of the diarrhea industry.
NBC's Today Show lost in the ratings again last week, even after the addition of new co-host Savanna Guthrie. Just to be safe, NBC fired Ann Curry again.
A passenger flying back from Europe on Delta airlines was served a turkey sandwich with sewing needles inside. The passenger was rightfully upset, as she had specifically ordered the vegetarian sewing needle option.
And finally, Microsoft is touting Office 2013's ability to fully integrate with popular programs like Yammer and Skype, promising to ruin them with greater efficiency than ever before.
Tell your friends.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 29, 2012
Welcome back, everyone! Anyone have a weekend? Yeah, that's good stuff. Anyone have any jokes?
In Denver, a middle-aged man found out during a recent CT-scan for kidney stones, that he was actually born with both male and female sex organs. The man is taking it in stride, saying the biggest change he's noticed is his public restroom options just doubled.
Also, free drinks on Thursday! Or, at least half-off.
Rumors are circulating that Facebook is working to create their own smartphone. They're planning on including a shrinking data plan and each phone's contact list will come pre-loaded with a bunch of people you don't really know.
The middle east is currently under attack by a new malware threat called "Flame." It's already leaked another ten pages from President Assad's diary.
Speaking of Syria, a representative for the Model United Nations offered to take over on the Syria issue since the regular United Nations isn't interested.
In the U.K., Tony Blair faced questioning over the media's relationship to politicians during his time in office. He said, while he was Prime Minister, he chose not to fight the media, which just goes to show that the media doesn't have oil.
Speaking of the U.K., a majority of its citizens said they think the country is worse off under Queen Elizabeth II than it was before her reign. In a related story, a majority of U.K. citizens don't know how their country's government works.
Back in America, hair-failure Donald Trump and baseball-fetishist George Will got in a heated war of words over the weekend. The real loser: words.
And finally, actor/director/hero Robert DeNiro gained an honorary doctorate from Bates College, as well as his mother's approval. At last.
That's all for now! G'day!
In Denver, a middle-aged man found out during a recent CT-scan for kidney stones, that he was actually born with both male and female sex organs. The man is taking it in stride, saying the biggest change he's noticed is his public restroom options just doubled.
Also, free drinks on Thursday! Or, at least half-off.
Rumors are circulating that Facebook is working to create their own smartphone. They're planning on including a shrinking data plan and each phone's contact list will come pre-loaded with a bunch of people you don't really know.
The middle east is currently under attack by a new malware threat called "Flame." It's already leaked another ten pages from President Assad's diary.
Speaking of Syria, a representative for the Model United Nations offered to take over on the Syria issue since the regular United Nations isn't interested.
In the U.K., Tony Blair faced questioning over the media's relationship to politicians during his time in office. He said, while he was Prime Minister, he chose not to fight the media, which just goes to show that the media doesn't have oil.
Speaking of the U.K., a majority of its citizens said they think the country is worse off under Queen Elizabeth II than it was before her reign. In a related story, a majority of U.K. citizens don't know how their country's government works.
Back in America, hair-failure Donald Trump and baseball-fetishist George Will got in a heated war of words over the weekend. The real loser: words.
And finally, actor/director/hero Robert DeNiro gained an honorary doctorate from Bates College, as well as his mother's approval. At last.
That's all for now! G'day!
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 9, 2011
Hey, how is everyone? Keep in mind that if you shout at your computer really, really loudly, I can actually hear you. But only if it's very early in the morning and other people in the house are trying to sleep. So... there's that. And here's some jokes.
Broadway director Julie Taymor said yesterday that she is suing the producers of Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark for depriving her of her share of the show's royalties and violating her creative rights by forcing her out of the production. The producers offered her a chance to share in the production, however, saying they'd be happy to break her legs. Seems fair.
Stereotypical Hollywood douchebag Brett Ratner stepped down from his role as producer of the Oscar ceremony after he used a gay slur while promoting The Tower Heist. Ratner apologized for the remark, as well as for unintentionally linking the gay community to one of his shitty movies.
In other douchebags-stepping-down news, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi announced he will be resigning this week to devote himself to his first love: hookers.
Human Pez-dispenser Michelle Duggar is expecting her 20th child with husband Jim Bob. Or so she says... But seriously, enough people have passed through her uterus that it now qualifies as a flop house.
In an unrelated story, scream-rockers Linkin Park are partnering with the United Nations, for some reason, in order to provide clean energy to Haitian families impacted by the earthquake. Initially, the families refused to accept the assistance until they were assured that it in no way required them to enjoy the music of Linkin Park.
Yesterday in Blackmon-Leoni Township, Michigan, police caught a six-foot alligator near the Pathway Community Church. So in case Joe Paterno asks, that's what you're supposed to do when you see a six-foot predator on the prowl.
Actor and beard-enthusiast Matthew Fox demanded his trial for punching a bus driver go to a full jury. He'd better hope they didn't watch the LOST finale.
And finally, the White House issued an official statement yesterday denying that the administration has had any contact with aliens. Sure, that's what they say, but until I see a birth certificate, there's no way you're going to convince me James Carville is human.
Whew. That was a lot to get through. If you made it this far, you deserve a treat. So, here you go:
More tomorrow! Till then, have a great day and keep shouting at your computer!
Broadway director Julie Taymor said yesterday that she is suing the producers of Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark for depriving her of her share of the show's royalties and violating her creative rights by forcing her out of the production. The producers offered her a chance to share in the production, however, saying they'd be happy to break her legs. Seems fair.
Stereotypical Hollywood douchebag Brett Ratner stepped down from his role as producer of the Oscar ceremony after he used a gay slur while promoting The Tower Heist. Ratner apologized for the remark, as well as for unintentionally linking the gay community to one of his shitty movies.
In other douchebags-stepping-down news, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi announced he will be resigning this week to devote himself to his first love: hookers.
Human Pez-dispenser Michelle Duggar is expecting her 20th child with husband Jim Bob. Or so she says... But seriously, enough people have passed through her uterus that it now qualifies as a flop house.
In an unrelated story, scream-rockers Linkin Park are partnering with the United Nations, for some reason, in order to provide clean energy to Haitian families impacted by the earthquake. Initially, the families refused to accept the assistance until they were assured that it in no way required them to enjoy the music of Linkin Park.
Yesterday in Blackmon-Leoni Township, Michigan, police caught a six-foot alligator near the Pathway Community Church. So in case Joe Paterno asks, that's what you're supposed to do when you see a six-foot predator on the prowl.
Actor and beard-enthusiast Matthew Fox demanded his trial for punching a bus driver go to a full jury. He'd better hope they didn't watch the LOST finale.
And finally, the White House issued an official statement yesterday denying that the administration has had any contact with aliens. Sure, that's what they say, but until I see a birth certificate, there's no way you're going to convince me James Carville is human.
Whew. That was a lot to get through. If you made it this far, you deserve a treat. So, here you go:
More tomorrow! Till then, have a great day and keep shouting at your computer!
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 5, 2011
Welcome to the great unbounded middle of the week. Can you feel it? Can you feel yourself riding the crest of the wave? If you can, you might want to make sure you're not actually surfing while reading this, as you might hurt yourself. Just a thought. Now let's look at jokes and stuff.
Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney called the Occupy Wall Street protest "class warfare." He then invested millions of dollars in foreign factories selling cheap goods to unemployed American workers and chalked it up to "rational self-interest." Then he kicked a puppy.
In other economic warfare news, China is threatening a trade war over American legislation aimed at getting China to re-value their currency. I hope China realizes that most of our financial disagreements end up getting settled with pepper spray these days.
Back to the GOP race, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie finally said yesterday that he will not be running for President in 2012 because of his commitment to New Jersey. Christie said he'll likely be through destroying the state in time for the 2016 race, though.
Johnny Depp revealed that when he was a broke, struggling actor, he would go to Scientology sessions for the $3 cash gift at the end. Oh, so The Tourist wasn't the first time you did something awful for money?
In other Johnny Depp news, the famed actor and religious icon said recently that having his picture taken is like being raped. It should be noted, in his defense, that he is almost always photographed by rapists.
In Detroit, the underpants bomber had a violent outburst during his trial yesterday, shouting about the U.S. being a cancer, blah blah blah. The judge then got to say "keep your pants on," which is of course what we were all thinking.
In Africa, Namibians celebrated this week as 20 skulls were returned from Germany, where they were brought over 100 years ago to be used in racist scientific experiments. So, even when Germany does something nice, it's still creepy as hell? Okay, just wanted to be clear.
And lastly, Angelina Jolie is considering a new role with the United Nations, but she'll need full script approval and points on the back end.
Okay, I think that's all I can do. Are we having fun yet? Hope so!
More stuff tomorrow! Till then, have a great day!
Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney called the Occupy Wall Street protest "class warfare." He then invested millions of dollars in foreign factories selling cheap goods to unemployed American workers and chalked it up to "rational self-interest." Then he kicked a puppy.
In other economic warfare news, China is threatening a trade war over American legislation aimed at getting China to re-value their currency. I hope China realizes that most of our financial disagreements end up getting settled with pepper spray these days.
Back to the GOP race, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie finally said yesterday that he will not be running for President in 2012 because of his commitment to New Jersey. Christie said he'll likely be through destroying the state in time for the 2016 race, though.
Johnny Depp revealed that when he was a broke, struggling actor, he would go to Scientology sessions for the $3 cash gift at the end. Oh, so The Tourist wasn't the first time you did something awful for money?
In other Johnny Depp news, the famed actor and religious icon said recently that having his picture taken is like being raped. It should be noted, in his defense, that he is almost always photographed by rapists.
In Detroit, the underpants bomber had a violent outburst during his trial yesterday, shouting about the U.S. being a cancer, blah blah blah. The judge then got to say "keep your pants on," which is of course what we were all thinking.
In Africa, Namibians celebrated this week as 20 skulls were returned from Germany, where they were brought over 100 years ago to be used in racist scientific experiments. So, even when Germany does something nice, it's still creepy as hell? Okay, just wanted to be clear.
And lastly, Angelina Jolie is considering a new role with the United Nations, but she'll need full script approval and points on the back end.
Okay, I think that's all I can do. Are we having fun yet? Hope so!
More stuff tomorrow! Till then, have a great day!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - February 28, 2011
Alright, let's get February over with.
Chestnust Hill College, a private Catholic school in Pennsylvania, fired an openly gay priest this week for making comments about his homosexuality. A spokesman for the school explained, saying "uh, yes, he was fired because he was openly gay. Duh! We can't have that. We really don't care what he, or any other Church employee, does in his own time, when no one is watching them. But the Church has a certain standard of behavior and repression to maintain, thank you very much."
In a related story, a nun was removed from her order because she was spending too much time on Facebook. "Next time," she said, "I'll stick with Myspace. No way will anyone spend too much time there!" Also, it seems that the Catholic Church has finally got its priorities properly sorted out.
In international news, the United Nations Security Council voted 15-0 to invoke sanctions against Libya. If this doesn't convince Gadaffi to give it up, nothing will.
In happier news, Kelsey Grammer and Kayte Walsh tied the knot this weekend in New York. This is the fourth marriage for Grammer, who said of the event "this wedding was just so much fun! I can't wait until my next one!"
Speaking of breakups, cable news host Kathleen Parker is leaving the CNN show Parker-Spitzer. Sources close to the show indicate that Parker really just underestimated how much she hates Elliott Spitzer.
A recent piece in the New York Times reports that blogs are quickly becoming passe; and that Twitter and Tumblr are cool now. Oh, and newspapers. Newspapers are totally cool, too. Unfortunately, no one read the story, because it was in a newspaper.
A burglar was arrested this week after posting photographs of himself with stolen goods on the original owners' Facebook page. After his arrest, he told the press, "my one mistake was sending proof of the crime and my identity to the victim. Oh, but hindsight is always 20/20, right?
Speaking of 20/20, notable cad Charlie Sheen has reneged on his promise to give his story exclusively to 20/20, and has recorded an interview with NBC. The UN Security Council condemned his actions by a vote of 15-0. That'll show him.
That's all for now. Check back tomorrow to see what happened today. Email us to your friends, post us on Twitter and Facebook (although clearly not Myspace) and as always, share your thoughts via the magic of comments. Thanks!
Chestnust Hill College, a private Catholic school in Pennsylvania, fired an openly gay priest this week for making comments about his homosexuality. A spokesman for the school explained, saying "uh, yes, he was fired because he was openly gay. Duh! We can't have that. We really don't care what he, or any other Church employee, does in his own time, when no one is watching them. But the Church has a certain standard of behavior and repression to maintain, thank you very much."
In a related story, a nun was removed from her order because she was spending too much time on Facebook. "Next time," she said, "I'll stick with Myspace. No way will anyone spend too much time there!" Also, it seems that the Catholic Church has finally got its priorities properly sorted out.
In international news, the United Nations Security Council voted 15-0 to invoke sanctions against Libya. If this doesn't convince Gadaffi to give it up, nothing will.
In happier news, Kelsey Grammer and Kayte Walsh tied the knot this weekend in New York. This is the fourth marriage for Grammer, who said of the event "this wedding was just so much fun! I can't wait until my next one!"
Speaking of breakups, cable news host Kathleen Parker is leaving the CNN show Parker-Spitzer. Sources close to the show indicate that Parker really just underestimated how much she hates Elliott Spitzer.
A recent piece in the New York Times reports that blogs are quickly becoming passe; and that Twitter and Tumblr are cool now. Oh, and newspapers. Newspapers are totally cool, too. Unfortunately, no one read the story, because it was in a newspaper.
A burglar was arrested this week after posting photographs of himself with stolen goods on the original owners' Facebook page. After his arrest, he told the press, "my one mistake was sending proof of the crime and my identity to the victim. Oh, but hindsight is always 20/20, right?
Speaking of 20/20, notable cad Charlie Sheen has reneged on his promise to give his story exclusively to 20/20, and has recorded an interview with NBC. The UN Security Council condemned his actions by a vote of 15-0. That'll show him.
That's all for now. Check back tomorrow to see what happened today. Email us to your friends, post us on Twitter and Facebook (although clearly not Myspace) and as always, share your thoughts via the magic of comments. Thanks!
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