In California a Taco Bell employee posted a photo to Facebook that showed him apparently licking a stack of taco shells in the restaurant's kitchen. Absolutely disgusting. Does he have any idea what kind of bacteria live on those things?
In an unrelated story, scientists are suggesting that for humanity to survive in the future, we're going to have to start eating insects for our protein. So, Taco Bell is ready.
At Sotheby's auction house, a rare book of Psalms printed in 1640 is expected to bring over $15 million at auction. "Great news," said a guy who is unfamiliar with what Psalms actually say.
Yahoo! announced their search results page is getting a visual makeover. And it now redirects to Google.com
Responding to a dare, a team of Honda engineers have created a lawn mower that can cut grass at speeds of up to 130 miles per hour. It wasn't intended to go that fast, but since it's a Honda, the accelerator kept getting stuck. It's part of Honda's new "Machines of Death" line.
Brazil's Department of Health has discontinued an online ad campaign called "I'm a Happy Prostitute," meant to shed light on health issues related to prostitution, which is legal in Brazil. It has been replaced with "I'm A Miserable Office Worker."
In Arizona, people are up in arms over a 9 foot gargoyle sculpture that prominently features a very visible phallus. Even worse: the gargoyle came from Mexico and stole a job from a hardworking American gargoyle.
Sheriff Arpaio has already arrested the statue and violated its civil rights.
A recent study found that a majority of patients do not access an online video meant to help them prepare for a colonoscopy. Most likely, because it is a video about colonoscopies.
First Lady Michelle Obama shut down a heckler at a speaking engagement this week. When heckled, she responded "hey, I don't come down to where you work and hassle you, buddy. Probably because you don't have a job, since the economy is so weak." It's funnier when she says it.
In Florida, an 84-year old woman won a $370 million Powerball jackpot. "Great," the woman said, "now I can finally afford to retire someplace better than Florida!"
And finally, in Minneapolis, a high school cheerleader was arrested for pimping out a younger student. Administrators at the school became suspicious when they saw what the young woman was doing with the school's spirit stick.
Showing posts with label arizona. Show all posts
Showing posts with label arizona. Show all posts
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Monday, November 7, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 8, 2011
Good morning, friends and strangers! And good morning to my stranger friends. You know who you are. But who am I to judge? After all, I wrote these ridiculous jokes, which you're about to read. Enjoy!
In a disturbing new trend, some parents have begun sending lollipops laced with chicken pox to other parents, to spread the virus to uninfected children. Rick Perry has vetoed a similar plan in Texas to distribute the HPV vaccine.
Also in Texas, a man went on trial yesterday for allegedly trying to sneak out of the country to join Al Qaida. He faces 25 years in prison for attempting to aid the enemy, and an additional two weeks of grounding for sneaking out after curfew.
A study released this month revealed that approximately half of US students in grades 7 - 12 face sexual harassment while the rest are ugly.
Speaking of harassment, yet another woman has released details of an alleged unwanted sexual advance from Herman Cain. It's amazing that he keeps trying, considering how many times he gets rejected. It's like he's the Ron Paul of sexual harassment.
In Arizona, Prince Harry surprised diners in the small town of Gila, when he stopped in for lunch with friends from his military unit. He was then ejected from the state for being an alien. Looks like it isn't a racist law after all.
At Harvard, students in an economics class staged a protest walk out this week, because they felt their professor favored the rich over the poor. In a related story, teachers in the English department said "see, everyone: that's irony." They then went back to studying how to be unemployable.
International inspectors said this month that Iran is about to go nuclear. They first suspected it when, during a recent inspection, they found scientists reading copies of Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret, and I've Got a Bunch of Enriched Uranium.
And finally, the Greek Prime Minister resigned this week, ending his government. The Greek Parliament said they will now form a new government, and they plan to deal with the debt crisis by not answering the old government's phone or email.
And that's it. Enjoy the rest of your day, weirdos. See you tomorrow! Till then, have a great day.
In a disturbing new trend, some parents have begun sending lollipops laced with chicken pox to other parents, to spread the virus to uninfected children. Rick Perry has vetoed a similar plan in Texas to distribute the HPV vaccine.
Also in Texas, a man went on trial yesterday for allegedly trying to sneak out of the country to join Al Qaida. He faces 25 years in prison for attempting to aid the enemy, and an additional two weeks of grounding for sneaking out after curfew.
A study released this month revealed that approximately half of US students in grades 7 - 12 face sexual harassment while the rest are ugly.
Speaking of harassment, yet another woman has released details of an alleged unwanted sexual advance from Herman Cain. It's amazing that he keeps trying, considering how many times he gets rejected. It's like he's the Ron Paul of sexual harassment.
In Arizona, Prince Harry surprised diners in the small town of Gila, when he stopped in for lunch with friends from his military unit. He was then ejected from the state for being an alien. Looks like it isn't a racist law after all.
At Harvard, students in an economics class staged a protest walk out this week, because they felt their professor favored the rich over the poor. In a related story, teachers in the English department said "see, everyone: that's irony." They then went back to studying how to be unemployable.
International inspectors said this month that Iran is about to go nuclear. They first suspected it when, during a recent inspection, they found scientists reading copies of Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret, and I've Got a Bunch of Enriched Uranium.
And finally, the Greek Prime Minister resigned this week, ending his government. The Greek Parliament said they will now form a new government, and they plan to deal with the debt crisis by not answering the old government's phone or email.
And that's it. Enjoy the rest of your day, weirdos. See you tomorrow! Till then, have a great day.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 2, 2011
Hey, everyone! It's Wednesday, which means you're as far from the last weekend as you are from the next. It's like purgatory, except it makes sense. Speaking of making sense, I'll be performing Thursday at the Happy Sounds Comedy Show, 8pm at the Creek and Cave in Queens. If you're in the area, come on out! It's free, for crying out loud. Also free: these jokes.
Arizona authorities busted up a drug ring worth $33million per month because they found out the cartel was using undocumented laborers.
In Japan, the Prime Minister recently drank water from puddles at the Fukushima nuclear reactor to show it was safe. He did it because journalists dared him to. That's also the reason why he was eating worms at a press conference yesterday.
Pizza-man and presidential hopeful Herman Cain denounced the sexual harassment charges against him, calling them a "witch hunt." Christine O'Donnell immediately went into hiding. Because she's a witch.
Relativity Media is shooting a film in the Chinese province of Shandong, despite the fact that Chinese authorities are holding a blind human rights activist under house arrest there. Said a spokesman for the company, "that's okay, he wasn't going to see our movie anyway."
In England, Apple fired an employee for making a disparaging Facebook post about the company, but really it's because he did it using a Blackberry.
Caving in to pressure from customers, Bank of America is cancelling their proposed $5/month debit card fee. Instead, they'll just go back to selling mortgage-backed securities. Everyone wins!
Actress and trainwreck Megan Fox is set to make her Broadway debut this month. Any chance she could join Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark?
Speaking of S-M:TOtD, the musical is about to lose two of its original performers. Careful, you two. I've seen enough Vietnam movies to know it's always the short-timers that get it.
Okay, that's gotta do it for today. Dig deep everyone, and have a great day! I'll see you tomorrow.
Metaphorically, of course. I can't actually see any of you. So you should feel free to continue reading my blog on the toilet in the morning. Nobody can see you but God. Well, that's enough. Bye!
Arizona authorities busted up a drug ring worth $33million per month because they found out the cartel was using undocumented laborers.
In Japan, the Prime Minister recently drank water from puddles at the Fukushima nuclear reactor to show it was safe. He did it because journalists dared him to. That's also the reason why he was eating worms at a press conference yesterday.
Pizza-man and presidential hopeful Herman Cain denounced the sexual harassment charges against him, calling them a "witch hunt." Christine O'Donnell immediately went into hiding. Because she's a witch.
Relativity Media is shooting a film in the Chinese province of Shandong, despite the fact that Chinese authorities are holding a blind human rights activist under house arrest there. Said a spokesman for the company, "that's okay, he wasn't going to see our movie anyway."
In England, Apple fired an employee for making a disparaging Facebook post about the company, but really it's because he did it using a Blackberry.
Caving in to pressure from customers, Bank of America is cancelling their proposed $5/month debit card fee. Instead, they'll just go back to selling mortgage-backed securities. Everyone wins!
Actress and trainwreck Megan Fox is set to make her Broadway debut this month. Any chance she could join Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark?
Speaking of S-M:TOtD, the musical is about to lose two of its original performers. Careful, you two. I've seen enough Vietnam movies to know it's always the short-timers that get it.
Okay, that's gotta do it for today. Dig deep everyone, and have a great day! I'll see you tomorrow.
Metaphorically, of course. I can't actually see any of you. So you should feel free to continue reading my blog on the toilet in the morning. Nobody can see you but God. Well, that's enough. Bye!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - August 25, 2001
One word: jokes.
Authorities in Arizona have charged two campers with sparking massive wildfires that ravaged the state this summer. The state has also preemptively declared them "Mexican."
Bad news today for crappy movies as a proposed "Ouija" movie was cancelled in a clear indication that sometimes God does listen to prayers.
In Kentucky, a jury threw out a lawsuit against a doctor who performed an emergency penis amputation on a patient who went in for a circumcision. When asked for reaction, the plaintiff said, "wow, this is a real kick in the stump."
Speaking of Dicks, former Vice President Dick Cheney said that his upcoming book will have "heads exploding" in Washington, DC. I really hope that's a metaphor.
Beer maker Heineken saw a steep sales slump this quarter. The leadership is so freaked out by the horrible sales, they even briefly considered making a beer that tasted good.
Paris Hilton's new reality show was cancelled, in yet another clear sign that God is listening to my prayers.
Following the east coast earthquake on Tuesday, many Californians took to social media networks to mock the reaction of east coast residents. Meanwhile, Los Angeles shut down after someone thought they felt rain falling on their arms.
And finally, this week a penguin visiting the set of Fox and Friends peed on Brian Kilmeade's shoe in another clear indication that COME ON, THIS IS GETTING FREAKY!
Okay, that's the end. Spencer is here tomorrow, and my new deodorant held up just fine, thank you very much. See you soon!
Till then, have a great week!
Authorities in Arizona have charged two campers with sparking massive wildfires that ravaged the state this summer. The state has also preemptively declared them "Mexican."
Bad news today for crappy movies as a proposed "Ouija" movie was cancelled in a clear indication that sometimes God does listen to prayers.
In Kentucky, a jury threw out a lawsuit against a doctor who performed an emergency penis amputation on a patient who went in for a circumcision. When asked for reaction, the plaintiff said, "wow, this is a real kick in the stump."
Speaking of Dicks, former Vice President Dick Cheney said that his upcoming book will have "heads exploding" in Washington, DC. I really hope that's a metaphor.
Beer maker Heineken saw a steep sales slump this quarter. The leadership is so freaked out by the horrible sales, they even briefly considered making a beer that tasted good.
Paris Hilton's new reality show was cancelled, in yet another clear sign that God is listening to my prayers.
Following the east coast earthquake on Tuesday, many Californians took to social media networks to mock the reaction of east coast residents. Meanwhile, Los Angeles shut down after someone thought they felt rain falling on their arms.
And finally, this week a penguin visiting the set of Fox and Friends peed on Brian Kilmeade's shoe in another clear indication that COME ON, THIS IS GETTING FREAKY!
Okay, that's the end. Spencer is here tomorrow, and my new deodorant held up just fine, thank you very much. See you soon!
Till then, have a great week!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 10, 2011
Welcome to the brand new Late Night Morning Way Back Wednesday. The kids have all been asking, "hey, what would snarky topical humor have been like in August of 1911?" Here it is, kids. You're welcome.
Big news from the Vatican today, as Pope Pius X lowered the age of first communion to seven years old. That's just like the Catholic Church, always treating kids like adults.
Speaking of big news, the first American newsreel premiered in theaters yesterday, and President Taft has already accused it of promoting a biased liberal agenda. He also accused the camera of adding ten pounds. Because he's fat.
Happy birthday to our newest states, Arizona and New Mexico! You're all Americans now! Well, most of you.
Speaking of deserts, the mercury hit a record high of 98 degrees in England today! It got so hot, that people started emigrating to India just to cool off! And to exploit the natural resources of the subcontinent while denying hundreds of millions of people the right to self-determination. Is that hot or what?!
Big news in aviation this week. Harriet Quimby, a woman, became a licensed pilot! She's only the second woman ever to become a pilot, unless you count all those backseat pilots! Am I right fellas?! But seriously, Harriet, congratulations. Maybe some day you'll get to vote.
In French military news, the government is trying to get rid of old officers. They're forcing retirement on any officer "who can no longer ride a horse." Bad news for French soldiers with hemorrhoids!
In Peru, explorer and bon vivant Hiram Bingham rediscovered the ancient, lost city of Machu Picchu! By the time Bingham left, Charles Russell was already there handing out copies of The Watchtower.
In booze news, Texas voters recently rejected a prohibition of alcohol sales in the state. Glad we're done with that, am I right? The state then celebrated with a restrained, dignified orgy of liquor and firearms.
And lastly, the Brooklyn Rapid Transit company was just awarded a $235,000,000 contract to build 87 miles of new subway lines in New York City. They'll throw in the urine smell for free.
That's all for now! Stay tuned for more broken news! See you tomorrow, or yesterday!
Until then, have a great day.
Big news from the Vatican today, as Pope Pius X lowered the age of first communion to seven years old. That's just like the Catholic Church, always treating kids like adults.
Speaking of big news, the first American newsreel premiered in theaters yesterday, and President Taft has already accused it of promoting a biased liberal agenda. He also accused the camera of adding ten pounds. Because he's fat.
Happy birthday to our newest states, Arizona and New Mexico! You're all Americans now! Well, most of you.
Speaking of deserts, the mercury hit a record high of 98 degrees in England today! It got so hot, that people started emigrating to India just to cool off! And to exploit the natural resources of the subcontinent while denying hundreds of millions of people the right to self-determination. Is that hot or what?!
Big news in aviation this week. Harriet Quimby, a woman, became a licensed pilot! She's only the second woman ever to become a pilot, unless you count all those backseat pilots! Am I right fellas?! But seriously, Harriet, congratulations. Maybe some day you'll get to vote.
In French military news, the government is trying to get rid of old officers. They're forcing retirement on any officer "who can no longer ride a horse." Bad news for French soldiers with hemorrhoids!
In Peru, explorer and bon vivant Hiram Bingham rediscovered the ancient, lost city of Machu Picchu! By the time Bingham left, Charles Russell was already there handing out copies of The Watchtower.
In booze news, Texas voters recently rejected a prohibition of alcohol sales in the state. Glad we're done with that, am I right? The state then celebrated with a restrained, dignified orgy of liquor and firearms.
And lastly, the Brooklyn Rapid Transit company was just awarded a $235,000,000 contract to build 87 miles of new subway lines in New York City. They'll throw in the urine smell for free.
That's all for now! Stay tuned for more broken news! See you tomorrow, or yesterday!
Until then, have a great day.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 21, 2011
Well, well, well, if it isn't Tuesday. How boring. Here are some jokes to spice it up.
Sunday night, the Miss USA Pageant crowned Miss California as the new Miss USA, assuming she's never taken nude photos or anything. It's worth noting that she was one of only two contestants who said they believe in evolution. In that sense, the Miss USA Pageant is just like a Republican primary debate. That, and the fact that nothing of any importance was decided. MISS AMERICA RULES, MISS USA DROOLS!
Speaking of ladies, human rights activists are petitioning US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to come to the aid of women attempting to drive in Saudi Arabia. Apparently they got a flat tire.
In more ladynews, the Supreme Court of the United States dismissed a gender-discrimination class action suit against Wal-Mart, partly because there were too many plaintiffs for the court to handle. In Serbia, Ratko Mladic is kicking himself for not taking the same route.
In Italy, actress and role model Angelina Jolie visited refugees from Tunisia and Libya. To acknowledge their bravery, she then apologized for The Tourist. At least in my heart she did.
It turns out that drug smugglers are using submarines to move cocaine from South America into the United States. You know, taking drugs may be for losers, but selling drugs is clearly for self-motivated, Type-A problem solvers.
In other winner news, Marilyn Monroe's dress from The Seven Year Itch just sold for $4.6 million at auction this week. Looks like someone's putting together the Halloween costume early this year!
Speaking of hot little numbers, Senator John McCain of Arizona said that there is strong evidence that illegal immigrants are responsible for wildfires tearing across the state. Well, if there's strong evidence that foreigners are coming here and harming us, maybe we should inva-- oh, hey, wait a minute! You almost got me again, you sneaky old fuck!
And lastly, a Japanese scientist made fake meat out of sewage containing feces, because of course he did. In an unrelated story, Jack In The Box is expanding in Tokyo.
Ending on a poop joke? OF COURSE! Well, this may be the wrong time to mention it, but it's a good season for fresh fruit. Just make sure you, um, you know, wash it first...
Have a great day! See you tomorrow!
Sunday night, the Miss USA Pageant crowned Miss California as the new Miss USA, assuming she's never taken nude photos or anything. It's worth noting that she was one of only two contestants who said they believe in evolution. In that sense, the Miss USA Pageant is just like a Republican primary debate. That, and the fact that nothing of any importance was decided. MISS AMERICA RULES, MISS USA DROOLS!
Speaking of ladies, human rights activists are petitioning US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to come to the aid of women attempting to drive in Saudi Arabia. Apparently they got a flat tire.
In more ladynews, the Supreme Court of the United States dismissed a gender-discrimination class action suit against Wal-Mart, partly because there were too many plaintiffs for the court to handle. In Serbia, Ratko Mladic is kicking himself for not taking the same route.
In Italy, actress and role model Angelina Jolie visited refugees from Tunisia and Libya. To acknowledge their bravery, she then apologized for The Tourist. At least in my heart she did.
It turns out that drug smugglers are using submarines to move cocaine from South America into the United States. You know, taking drugs may be for losers, but selling drugs is clearly for self-motivated, Type-A problem solvers.
In other winner news, Marilyn Monroe's dress from The Seven Year Itch just sold for $4.6 million at auction this week. Looks like someone's putting together the Halloween costume early this year!
Speaking of hot little numbers, Senator John McCain of Arizona said that there is strong evidence that illegal immigrants are responsible for wildfires tearing across the state. Well, if there's strong evidence that foreigners are coming here and harming us, maybe we should inva-- oh, hey, wait a minute! You almost got me again, you sneaky old fuck!
And lastly, a Japanese scientist made fake meat out of sewage containing feces, because of course he did. In an unrelated story, Jack In The Box is expanding in Tokyo.
Ending on a poop joke? OF COURSE! Well, this may be the wrong time to mention it, but it's a good season for fresh fruit. Just make sure you, um, you know, wash it first...
Have a great day! See you tomorrow!
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Welcome back to your week, you happy people! Wait, it's Monday. You can switch out "happy" in that sentence for whatever suits your fancy today. There, at least something is going your way.
Okay, here's something, I think. Musicians and nerds in Japan have created a completely synthetic pop-star named Hatsune Miku. She's completely fake, which has me wondering if she isn't a Simpson sister.
Speaking of fake, did you hear about "A Gay Girl in Damascus?" The popular blog told the story of a gay woman in Syria who was supposedly abducted by the authorities. After a massive Internet campaign demanding her release, the author of the blog, Tom MacMaster, came forward and admitted the hoax. It's a good thing Oprah already retired. MacMaster did apologize, though, for tricking people into caring about the middle-east.
Speaking of unlikely, Alaska released 24,000 pages of Sarah Palin's emails last week. Early reports indicate she was "surprised" to be chosen as the VP candidate in 2008. Of course, she strikes me as the kind of person to be surprised by toast popping up, so maybe that's not a great indicator. Also surprising: the number of emails discussing American Idol.
In Arizona, residents are being allowed back into their homes in the wake of the recent wildfires, or as Arizonans are calling them "that cold snap."
In New York, voters are staging anti-Weiner rallies. I'm sure there's a cheap Indigo Girls joke in there, but I won't make it. Instead, I'll just mention the rallies were headlined by Wanda Sykes and Teagan & Sara. BOOM! UPDATED!
In fashion news, country singer LeAnn Rimes got a new haircut this weekend, chopping off several inches from her hair. The singer explained "it was making me feel fat. Okay, I've gotta go do some crunches. Problem? No, I don't have body-issues! Why would you say that? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Seriously, someone's got to make her eat some donuts.
And lastly, friends and family of Rep. Gabrielle Giffords posted new photos of the smiling Congresswoman on Facebook. And not a single photo showed her genitals. Are you taking notes, Congress?
Okay, that's all for now. I can't believe there were two Weiner jokes. I'm as ashamed as you are. Okay, I've gotta go. Have a great day, and don't forget your sunblock!
Okay, here's something, I think. Musicians and nerds in Japan have created a completely synthetic pop-star named Hatsune Miku. She's completely fake, which has me wondering if she isn't a Simpson sister.
Speaking of fake, did you hear about "A Gay Girl in Damascus?" The popular blog told the story of a gay woman in Syria who was supposedly abducted by the authorities. After a massive Internet campaign demanding her release, the author of the blog, Tom MacMaster, came forward and admitted the hoax. It's a good thing Oprah already retired. MacMaster did apologize, though, for tricking people into caring about the middle-east.
In a related story, the U.S. State Department is preparing secret technological aid packages for dissidents to use to get information out when their governments start cracking down on protests and reform movements. Or, we could just quit selling tanks and guns to their dictators. You know, whichever is easiest, I guess.
Speaking of unlikely, Alaska released 24,000 pages of Sarah Palin's emails last week. Early reports indicate she was "surprised" to be chosen as the VP candidate in 2008. Of course, she strikes me as the kind of person to be surprised by toast popping up, so maybe that's not a great indicator. Also surprising: the number of emails discussing American Idol.
In Arizona, residents are being allowed back into their homes in the wake of the recent wildfires, or as Arizonans are calling them "that cold snap."
In New York, voters are staging anti-Weiner rallies. I'm sure there's a cheap Indigo Girls joke in there, but I won't make it. Instead, I'll just mention the rallies were headlined by Wanda Sykes and Teagan & Sara. BOOM! UPDATED!
In fashion news, country singer LeAnn Rimes got a new haircut this weekend, chopping off several inches from her hair. The singer explained "it was making me feel fat. Okay, I've gotta go do some crunches. Problem? No, I don't have body-issues! Why would you say that? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Seriously, someone's got to make her eat some donuts.
And lastly, friends and family of Rep. Gabrielle Giffords posted new photos of the smiling Congresswoman on Facebook. And not a single photo showed her genitals. Are you taking notes, Congress?
Okay, that's all for now. I can't believe there were two Weiner jokes. I'm as ashamed as you are. Okay, I've gotta go. Have a great day, and don't forget your sunblock!
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - June 9, 2011
It's Thursday. Isn't that funny? Wait, what I meant was "that isn't funny." How about these jokes?
In Arizona, wildfires are spreading across the state like, well, wildfires. Despite the large wildfire presence, though, public schools will still be prevented from teaching any wildfire history.
In music news, rapper Fat Joe, so known for his legendary fatness and the fact that he goes by the name "Joe," recently lost around 100 pounds! Congratulations, Not Quite As Fat As Before Joe!
The Iranian women's Olympic soccer team was disqualified this week for insisting on wearing headscarves during their games. Also because of the Jews. They were also disqualified by the Jews, right Mahmoud? Yeah, this guy knows what I'm talking about.
In California, prison officials have done little to alleviate overcrowding as directed by the Supreme Court this year, and they risk violating the court's order. But come on... what if they don't do it? It's not like they're gonna get thrown in prison.
In Texas, a psychic detective took police on a wild goose chase to a supposed mass grave empty that turned out to be empty. Maybe there were a bunch of Jesuses in there, and they were just too late. Or maybe the PSYCHIC DETECTIVE IS A FRIGGIN' FRAUD! Either way, people were put in the awkward position of having to apologize for not finding a stash of human remains. Awk-ward...
In Basketball news, LeBron James was visibly upset by his team's performance in the NBA Final's Game Four this week. As a result, he'll be going on ESPN today to announce which team he will be playing for in Game Five. Oh, LeBron, you're kind of a douchebag.
Big privacy concern news with Facebook, again, as the completely voluntary website announced a new program that will be able to recognize faces in photographs uploaded by users, and tag people in possibly compromising situations. Pretty scary stuff, huh? Don't worry, though: they haven't perfected ass-recognition software, so moon away, America!
Lastly, a medical study this week showed that consuming five cups of coffee can make you hear voices. That's great news for lonely people, I suppose. Although, the voices mainly say things like "quit tapping your feet, already!"
Right, that's all for me. Come back for Spencer and Earnest, and I'll be here again on Monday! HOORAY! SUNBLOCK FOR EVERYONE!
Have a great day!
In Arizona, wildfires are spreading across the state like, well, wildfires. Despite the large wildfire presence, though, public schools will still be prevented from teaching any wildfire history.
In music news, rapper Fat Joe, so known for his legendary fatness and the fact that he goes by the name "Joe," recently lost around 100 pounds! Congratulations, Not Quite As Fat As Before Joe!
The Iranian women's Olympic soccer team was disqualified this week for insisting on wearing headscarves during their games. Also because of the Jews. They were also disqualified by the Jews, right Mahmoud? Yeah, this guy knows what I'm talking about.
In California, prison officials have done little to alleviate overcrowding as directed by the Supreme Court this year, and they risk violating the court's order. But come on... what if they don't do it? It's not like they're gonna get thrown in prison.
In Texas, a psychic detective took police on a wild goose chase to a supposed mass grave empty that turned out to be empty. Maybe there were a bunch of Jesuses in there, and they were just too late. Or maybe the PSYCHIC DETECTIVE IS A FRIGGIN' FRAUD! Either way, people were put in the awkward position of having to apologize for not finding a stash of human remains. Awk-ward...
In Basketball news, LeBron James was visibly upset by his team's performance in the NBA Final's Game Four this week. As a result, he'll be going on ESPN today to announce which team he will be playing for in Game Five. Oh, LeBron, you're kind of a douchebag.
Big privacy concern news with Facebook, again, as the completely voluntary website announced a new program that will be able to recognize faces in photographs uploaded by users, and tag people in possibly compromising situations. Pretty scary stuff, huh? Don't worry, though: they haven't perfected ass-recognition software, so moon away, America!
Lastly, a medical study this week showed that consuming five cups of coffee can make you hear voices. That's great news for lonely people, I suppose. Although, the voices mainly say things like "quit tapping your feet, already!"
Right, that's all for me. Come back for Spencer and Earnest, and I'll be here again on Monday! HOORAY! SUNBLOCK FOR EVERYONE!
Have a great day!
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - June 6, 2011
Good Monday to you all! This is going to be a great week. Possibly the greatest week. I've got nothing at all to back that up, other that my own misplaced optimism. That, and a fancy new pair of contact lenses. That's all you need, right? Oh, and jokes. Obviously you need jokes. Good thing I have some!
In medical freak-out news, a woman in Oregon woke up from dental surgery with a brand new European accent. The woman was clearly shocked, as she had neither been to Europe, nor had she been married to Guy Ritchie.
Keeping up with musical news, country music superstar Trace Adkins lost his home this weekend, as it burned to the ground before his eyes. On the plus side, though, there goes his writers' block.
In Malaysia, so-called "obedient wives" clubs are forming around the country to offer support and guidance to the country's wives. The clubs are emphasizing the importance of good sex in the marriage, going so far as to say that good sex is a wife's duty. And nothing in this world is as sexy as someone's duty. Oh, yeah. That is one sexy obligation...
Big news for robots this week, as a German robot was revealed to the press playing pool and hustling human players. This is a great breakthrough for scientists, who have previously been unable to create a robot that could develop a gambling addiction. Next, they're working on a machine that can shoot up methadone.
In other technological news, the miracle plane that landed safely in the Hudson river is on the move again, this time heading to a museum. No word if the geese will be going along, too.
The state of Alabama announced it will begin a severe crackdown on illegal immigrants in the state, which seems like an odd choice to me. Illegal immigrants are the only people who you can point to and say, "these people *WANT* to be Alabama! See, it can't be all bad!"
In other American news, wildfires in Arizona are threatening communities around the state. They haven't been blamed on illegal immigrants yet, but just wait. Jan Brewer will find a way to send these fires back to Mexico, where they belong!
And lastly, Nintendo announced their online player network had been hacked, just like PS3 network last month, but for half the price of the PS3 attack and with more intuitive user interface.
Don't know if I should have ended on such a nerdy note. Oh well, we'll have all week to get cool again. Keep coming back, keep telling your friends, and keep having a great day!
In medical freak-out news, a woman in Oregon woke up from dental surgery with a brand new European accent. The woman was clearly shocked, as she had neither been to Europe, nor had she been married to Guy Ritchie.
Keeping up with musical news, country music superstar Trace Adkins lost his home this weekend, as it burned to the ground before his eyes. On the plus side, though, there goes his writers' block.
In Malaysia, so-called "obedient wives" clubs are forming around the country to offer support and guidance to the country's wives. The clubs are emphasizing the importance of good sex in the marriage, going so far as to say that good sex is a wife's duty. And nothing in this world is as sexy as someone's duty. Oh, yeah. That is one sexy obligation...
Big news for robots this week, as a German robot was revealed to the press playing pool and hustling human players. This is a great breakthrough for scientists, who have previously been unable to create a robot that could develop a gambling addiction. Next, they're working on a machine that can shoot up methadone.
In other technological news, the miracle plane that landed safely in the Hudson river is on the move again, this time heading to a museum. No word if the geese will be going along, too.
The state of Alabama announced it will begin a severe crackdown on illegal immigrants in the state, which seems like an odd choice to me. Illegal immigrants are the only people who you can point to and say, "these people *WANT* to be Alabama! See, it can't be all bad!"
In other American news, wildfires in Arizona are threatening communities around the state. They haven't been blamed on illegal immigrants yet, but just wait. Jan Brewer will find a way to send these fires back to Mexico, where they belong!
And lastly, Nintendo announced their online player network had been hacked, just like PS3 network last month, but for half the price of the PS3 attack and with more intuitive user interface.
Don't know if I should have ended on such a nerdy note. Oh well, we'll have all week to get cool again. Keep coming back, keep telling your friends, and keep having a great day!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 20, 2011
Let's see what's on the blog today.
In Michigan, a 12 year old girl held up a grocery store with a stolen gun recently. In her defense, the store did drive her lemonade stand out of business.
In Arizona, unlikely Governor Jan Brewer vetoed two pieces of legislation that allowed guns on college campuses and required presidential candidates to produce birth certificates before being allowed on the ballot in Arizona. The only question I have is this: who is blackmailing Jan Brewer?
In New York, the less-than-great Mets are having a hard time enticing people to come to their games. A recent failed promotion: Free Tickets Night. There was initial excitement, though, until it became clear that the tickets were, in fact, for the Mets.
In other sports news, a man fell five stories while watching the Boston Marathon in an accident that clearly has nothing to do with alcohol. The young man survived with serious injuries but remained conscious. As runners passed his ambulance, he was heard to yell, "who's hardcore now?!"
Speaking of loudmouths, Paul Allen, co-founder of Microsoft, recently compared working with Bill Gates to "being in Hell." Apparently Paul Allen thinks that Hell is really nerdy and overly-concerned with malaria.
In Finland, the Finnish Nationalist Party made significant gains in a recent election, leading to speculation in America that Finland might actually be a nation.
In a signal that the economy is "totally recovering," gold reached $1,500 per ounce for the first time ever, which is great news for pirates and terrible news for Flava Flav, who is now being hunted by pirates. He should invest in a laser gun.
And lastly, a plane carrying First Lady Michelle Obama was forced to abort it's planned landing yesterday when it flew too close to an Army C-130 transport plane bound for the same airport. After learning that the cause of the near miss was air traffic controller error, President Obama said "fine, I get it. We'll give you guys nap time. Now please don't kill my family."
That's all for now. Hope you liked it, told your friends, blah blah blah. Have a great day no matter what time of day, and we'll see you again tomorrow!
In Michigan, a 12 year old girl held up a grocery store with a stolen gun recently. In her defense, the store did drive her lemonade stand out of business.
In Arizona, unlikely Governor Jan Brewer vetoed two pieces of legislation that allowed guns on college campuses and required presidential candidates to produce birth certificates before being allowed on the ballot in Arizona. The only question I have is this: who is blackmailing Jan Brewer?
In New York, the less-than-great Mets are having a hard time enticing people to come to their games. A recent failed promotion: Free Tickets Night. There was initial excitement, though, until it became clear that the tickets were, in fact, for the Mets.
In other sports news, a man fell five stories while watching the Boston Marathon in an accident that clearly has nothing to do with alcohol. The young man survived with serious injuries but remained conscious. As runners passed his ambulance, he was heard to yell, "who's hardcore now?!"
Speaking of loudmouths, Paul Allen, co-founder of Microsoft, recently compared working with Bill Gates to "being in Hell." Apparently Paul Allen thinks that Hell is really nerdy and overly-concerned with malaria.
In Finland, the Finnish Nationalist Party made significant gains in a recent election, leading to speculation in America that Finland might actually be a nation.
In a signal that the economy is "totally recovering," gold reached $1,500 per ounce for the first time ever, which is great news for pirates and terrible news for Flava Flav, who is now being hunted by pirates. He should invest in a laser gun.
And lastly, a plane carrying First Lady Michelle Obama was forced to abort it's planned landing yesterday when it flew too close to an Army C-130 transport plane bound for the same airport. After learning that the cause of the near miss was air traffic controller error, President Obama said "fine, I get it. We'll give you guys nap time. Now please don't kill my family."
That's all for now. Hope you liked it, told your friends, blah blah blah. Have a great day no matter what time of day, and we'll see you again tomorrow!
Friday, February 25, 2011
Fridays with Spencer: Now with Vitriol
Virgins of the world, rejoice! China is building a theme park based on the World of Warcraft videogame, the park is called Joyland, and two of its five sections are “Terrain of Warcraft”. No word yet on why it's called "Joyland," seeing as how the demographic of Warcraft users are morose human slugs.
Starting next year, a federal law will effectively forbid the production of 100-watt incandescent light bulbs, which are so energy inefficient that they are better used as heating elements in Easy-Bake Ovens than as light sources. Well, Hasbro, after nearly half a century of injuring children and occasionally baking things, you'll have to find another way to tell little girls they belong in the kitchen.
An improv comedian and composer named Justin Moran will open his own Spider-Man musical on March 14—the day before Julie Taymor’s troubled Spider-Man production is scheduled to open. Moran says his show, The Spidey Project: With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility, will open at the Peoples Improv Theater in Manhattan. Moran said, "My play will be a trainwreck as well, but only because I'm a hack. You know all those crappy parody movies that come out when something is popular? It'll be like that... only less thought out and with a smaller budget."
Another black eye for the SEC: The agency’s top lawyer, David Becker, and his brothers inherited more than $1.5 million from their mother that she had earned in Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme. The trustee overseeing the case, Irving Picard, has demanded Becker return the money. “This is about my parents' investments. I had nothing to do with my parents' investments," Becker tells the New York Post. He is leaving the SEC next week for a private-sector job, no doubt for one of the firms he was supposed to be regulating.
Things are looking up for Ted Williams. The "golden-voiced" homeless man who became a YouTube star and national sensation, has closed a deal to star in his own reality-TV show that will begin shooting in two weeks. Producers say, "The show will be called Second Chances at Life, and will document how Williams went from having a promising radio career to being homeless, to becoming a national treasure, as well as his attempt to rebuild his career and personal life following his recent slip-up." There you have it America, to be a "National Treasure" you just have to be: drunk, belligerent, violent, and homeless. In a related story, Snooki said she is going to start living in her car.
Rahm Emanuel won Tuesday’s mayoral election. “I'm glad all my hard work PAID-OFF.” Emanuel said in his victory speech, as an aide continued to handout checks.
Kanye West, Twitter, and abortion? The rapper sent the following tweet Wednesday night: “an abortion can cost a ballin' nigga up to 50gs maybe a 100. Gold diggin' bitches be getting pregnant on purpose. #STRAPUP my niggas!” He then followed with the tweet with another message to clarify. “It ain’t happen to me but I know people.” Which leads me to believe that the people Kanye knows, don't know where to find an affordable abortion.
The Arizona legislature is preparing new immigration laws that would outlaw illegal immigrants from driving, attending school, and receiving public benefits. Many of these laws openly flout federal laws. Under the law, schools and hospitals would require IDs; illegal immigrants would be barred from all state licenses, including marriage; and landlords would be required to evict entire families if just one illegal immigrant is found to be living with them. What's better than illegal immigrants living in Arizona? Homeless, sick, uneducated illegal immigrants living in Arizona!
Starting next year, a federal law will effectively forbid the production of 100-watt incandescent light bulbs, which are so energy inefficient that they are better used as heating elements in Easy-Bake Ovens than as light sources. Well, Hasbro, after nearly half a century of injuring children and occasionally baking things, you'll have to find another way to tell little girls they belong in the kitchen.
An improv comedian and composer named Justin Moran will open his own Spider-Man musical on March 14—the day before Julie Taymor’s troubled Spider-Man production is scheduled to open. Moran says his show, The Spidey Project: With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility, will open at the Peoples Improv Theater in Manhattan. Moran said, "My play will be a trainwreck as well, but only because I'm a hack. You know all those crappy parody movies that come out when something is popular? It'll be like that... only less thought out and with a smaller budget."
Another black eye for the SEC: The agency’s top lawyer, David Becker, and his brothers inherited more than $1.5 million from their mother that she had earned in Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme. The trustee overseeing the case, Irving Picard, has demanded Becker return the money. “This is about my parents' investments. I had nothing to do with my parents' investments," Becker tells the New York Post. He is leaving the SEC next week for a private-sector job, no doubt for one of the firms he was supposed to be regulating.
Things are looking up for Ted Williams. The "golden-voiced" homeless man who became a YouTube star and national sensation, has closed a deal to star in his own reality-TV show that will begin shooting in two weeks. Producers say, "The show will be called Second Chances at Life, and will document how Williams went from having a promising radio career to being homeless, to becoming a national treasure, as well as his attempt to rebuild his career and personal life following his recent slip-up." There you have it America, to be a "National Treasure" you just have to be: drunk, belligerent, violent, and homeless. In a related story, Snooki said she is going to start living in her car.
Rahm Emanuel won Tuesday’s mayoral election. “I'm glad all my hard work PAID-OFF.” Emanuel said in his victory speech, as an aide continued to handout checks.
Kanye West, Twitter, and abortion? The rapper sent the following tweet Wednesday night: “an abortion can cost a ballin' nigga up to 50gs maybe a 100. Gold diggin' bitches be getting pregnant on purpose. #STRAPUP my niggas!” He then followed with the tweet with another message to clarify. “It ain’t happen to me but I know people.” Which leads me to believe that the people Kanye knows, don't know where to find an affordable abortion.
The Arizona legislature is preparing new immigration laws that would outlaw illegal immigrants from driving, attending school, and receiving public benefits. Many of these laws openly flout federal laws. Under the law, schools and hospitals would require IDs; illegal immigrants would be barred from all state licenses, including marriage; and landlords would be required to evict entire families if just one illegal immigrant is found to be living with them. What's better than illegal immigrants living in Arizona? Homeless, sick, uneducated illegal immigrants living in Arizona!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)