Jokes on Friday!? WHY NOT!
Yesterday, the Supreme Court ruled that President Obama's healthcare reform bill is, in fact, constitutional. Right? I didn't read the whole ruling, or an entire article about it, but I feel adequately informed to discuss its constitutionality. Right after I read the Constitution.
In other governments' news, Greece's new Finance Minister collapsed last week during his first day of work. It happened immediately after someone informed him that he was the Finance Minister in Greece.
Back in America, television host Ann Curry was paid a significant amount of money to stop working for the Today Show, proving again that NBC is great with money. No word yet on when her morning show on TBS is going to start.
By the way, NBC, I'm willing to not work for the Today Show for way less than she is.
Scientists are learning about early humans' diet from fossilized teeth from a two million year-old human. Among the startling foods found in the ancient teeth: bark, bugs, and the first Twinkie.
Speaking of old stuff, amateur archaeologists in the UK announced they have found over 50,000 ancient coins in the cushions of a very old sofa.
Back in America, roboticists built a robot programmed to play Rock, Paper, Scissors with 100% efficiency. Their findings will be published in an upcoming paper titled "Please Tell Us We Didn't Just Waste the Last Three Years of Our Lives."
In Zimbabwe, two self-confessed witches are set to undergo medical and psychological testing, as doctors fear they may be suffering from a mental illness. Their first clue? They claimed to be witches.
And finally, fans of the late lamented cult television favorite Firefly were treated to news that the stars of the show will reunite at this year's San Diego ComicCon. The reunion was promptly cancelled by Fox.
And that's how it goes.
Showing posts with label witches. Show all posts
Showing posts with label witches. Show all posts
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - August 15, 2011
Welcome back, everyone! I hope you all had a great weekend. I was rained on *and* managed to get some sunburn. That's effective time management, right? Speaking of effective time management, I've managed to write these timely jokes for you. Effective... now!
Big news if you're Nepalese this weekend as Jhalnath Khana, Nepal's Prime Minister, resigned his post. The Nepalese leader said he just needs some time to find himself, and plans to spend a year backpacking through Ohio. SWITCH-UP!
Okay, back to America and what really matters: children. A study came out recently that linked diminished learning ability to a lack of daily recess time. No, the study was not conducted by Mrs. Lopez's third grade class. Yeah, apparently kids can't learn as well without recess. Or books, or after school tutoring, or adequate lunches, or school supplies, or you get the idea.
Remember British Petroleum? They said recently that the company "cannot find skilled workers" which is great news for people who love oil spills. Wait, BP can't find skilled workers? Oh, that's probably due to people not wanting to be blown up on oil rigs. Right, that's a tough sell.
In television news, a group of witches is protesting the portrayal of witches on the popular HBO program True Blood. It seems that real witches aren't nearly as slutty as the characters on True Blood. But then again, who is?
In a related story, absolutely no bitches have been protesting the unflattering portrayal of their kind in The Hills.
In political news, Representative Michele Bachmann won the GOP's Iowa straw poll this weekend, placing her in the lead among the GOP presidential contenders. In response, President Obama said "and I thought I got all my birthday gifts last week. Thanks, Iowa!"
In a related story, former Minnesotta Governor Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race, saying that it's clear he's just not nearly batshit crazy enough this year to connect with GOP voters. An obviously disappointed Pawlenty said "who knows, maybe I'll be back next time, with a malignant brain tumor that drives me absolutely nuts. That'd be sweet."
An lastly, amid this week's insane-o stock market ups and downs, sales of gold continue to rise on eBay. Other items gaining in popularity: cans of gasoline, crossbows and leather chaps with full bondage riding outfits. Gimps sold separately.
And that's all he wrote. He being me. But he will write more for tomorrow. So enjoy today. In fact, have a great day!
Big news if you're Nepalese this weekend as Jhalnath Khana, Nepal's Prime Minister, resigned his post. The Nepalese leader said he just needs some time to find himself, and plans to spend a year backpacking through Ohio. SWITCH-UP!
Okay, back to America and what really matters: children. A study came out recently that linked diminished learning ability to a lack of daily recess time. No, the study was not conducted by Mrs. Lopez's third grade class. Yeah, apparently kids can't learn as well without recess. Or books, or after school tutoring, or adequate lunches, or school supplies, or you get the idea.
Remember British Petroleum? They said recently that the company "cannot find skilled workers" which is great news for people who love oil spills. Wait, BP can't find skilled workers? Oh, that's probably due to people not wanting to be blown up on oil rigs. Right, that's a tough sell.
In television news, a group of witches is protesting the portrayal of witches on the popular HBO program True Blood. It seems that real witches aren't nearly as slutty as the characters on True Blood. But then again, who is?
In a related story, absolutely no bitches have been protesting the unflattering portrayal of their kind in The Hills.
In political news, Representative Michele Bachmann won the GOP's Iowa straw poll this weekend, placing her in the lead among the GOP presidential contenders. In response, President Obama said "and I thought I got all my birthday gifts last week. Thanks, Iowa!"
In a related story, former Minnesotta Governor Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race, saying that it's clear he's just not nearly batshit crazy enough this year to connect with GOP voters. An obviously disappointed Pawlenty said "who knows, maybe I'll be back next time, with a malignant brain tumor that drives me absolutely nuts. That'd be sweet."
An lastly, amid this week's insane-o stock market ups and downs, sales of gold continue to rise on eBay. Other items gaining in popularity: cans of gasoline, crossbows and leather chaps with full bondage riding outfits. Gimps sold separately.
And that's all he wrote. He being me. But he will write more for tomorrow. So enjoy today. In fact, have a great day!
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