December 14, 2018: Guilty by (National Rifle) Association

Let's get to the jokes!

In justice news, a man who sexually assaulted a woman while on a commercial flight has been sentenced to nine years in prison, and another three years waiting in LaGuardia's security line.

Speaking of airlines, a human heart was recently found in the cabin on a Southwest flight. And you thought the guy eating a plate of salmon from "Chili's To-Go" was the most disgusting thing on your flight.

The state of California is exploring a plan to start taxing text messages. At first I was like "LOL srsly?" and then I was like "FML."

Kate Middleton recently shocked tourists who saw her driving herself into Buckingham Palace. Not sure why that's a big deal.

Just another day for the royals. 

Jennifer Aniston just revealed who it is that doesn't want a Friends reunion: people who own televisions.

Steph Curry reportedly doesn't think we landed on the Moon, so now I guess next year we should expect to see Joe Rogan join the Warriors' starting lineup.

Former judge (impeached) and failed Senate candidate Roy Moore, who was interviewed (and mercilessly mocked) on Sacha Baron Cohen's Who Is America? program, has claimed that the producers used fraud to gain his consent. Moore came to this conclusion after recently learning the word "consent."

Presidential "son" Donald Trump Jr. has revealed that his father, the President, is a "re-gifter." According to Junior, the President is always passing off stuff he doesn't want, kind of like the indictments he'll be passing along to his children for Christmas.

And now, let's get into this Russian spy stuff.

Maybe you've heard about "Maria Butina," and you thought "is that Alison Brie's character's stage name in GLOW?

Now shooting Season Three! Now shooting literally everything!

If only. Turns out she's a damn spy for the Russians.

Remember in Red Dawn when the Soviets invaded and the Brat Pack had to fight them off with their legally obtained and owned home arsenals of rifles and pistols? Well, thank God for the National Rifle Association, because without them and their protection of personal gun ownership rights, that movie wouldn't have made any sense. It would've just been an incoherent mess with no sense of history, international relations, or military reality.

Yeah, like that.

Yeah, like that.

But as they say, you either die a hero (Charlie Sheen in Red Dawn) or live long enough to become a villain (Charlie Sheen in everything since Red Dawn), because now we see that the great savior of American freedom, the NRA, was invaded and compromised by Butina, who just plead guilty to a bunch of espionage charges (Wolverines?) and now it looks like she used the NRA to funnel millions of dollars of Russian money into the 2016 election, in violation of US law. And no amount of shiny replacement phalluses will ever erase that stain on the NRA.

We've somehow dishonored the legacy of C. Thomas Howell and his pseudo-phallus.

Later!

Monday Morning Monologue - August 20, 2012

Here's some jokes.

The Olympics ended last Sunday, and NBC just finished the last of its delayed broadcast. Now they’ll have to go back to sucking at regular programs for the next four years. They’ve got a new show premiering tonight: “America’s Got No Reason To Watch NBC.”

Doctors recently found a link between blood type and an increased risk of heart disease. Especially if your blood type is “Fatass.”

Did you hear that Kim Kardashian’s divorce from Kris Humphries is unlikely to be finalized this year? This means her divorce proceedings will be twice as long as her marriage. Said Kim, “if I knew divorce was such a huge commitment, I probably would have just stayed married.”

The owner of Surfthechannel, a website that streamed illegal copies of television shows, just got sentenced to prison this week. I bet now he wishes he hadn’t watched all those episodes of OZ.

Actress Lindsay Lohan will earn two million dollars in 2012, or as she calls it “half my legal fees.”

Jennifer Aniston is engaged to Justin Theroux, so she’ll be off the market for at least six months.

Reuters reported that U.S. bank examiners ordered American banks to make plans for preventing another collapse like the one in 2008. They then ordered the banks to build a time machine. I’m kidding, of course. U.S. bank examiners can’t order anyone to do anything.

And finally, two New Jersey towns turned down offers to film the next Jersey Shore spinoff, but that’s probably just because the towns weren’t drunk enough yet.

That's all!

Friday Morning Monologue - July 6, 2012

Hi, y'all! It's almost the weekend! Can you taste it? If so, you should go see a doctor, because you're probably having a gustatory hallucination, and that needs to be checked out. And while you wait, you should enjoy these jokes!

Investigators found that a Japanese anesthesiologist fabricated results in 179 medical studies. And feels absolutely no guilt. Or anything else, for that matter.

In Pennsylvania, a deadbeat dad was arrested after being tricked into showing up for a part in a fake Jennifer Aniston movie. This is good news all around, as the jerk is going to have to pay $32,000 in back child support. But best of all, there's not really a new Jennifer Aniston movie.

Wes Scantlin, lead singer for Puddle of Mudd, plead guilty to cocaine possession this week, confirming once again that cocaine is not cool.

Nigeria will not be sending a government delegation to the Olympics this year, hoping to keep athletes focused and, according to the nation's Sports Minister, "cut down on jamborees from previous years." The move was met with immediate criticism from the Nigerian Ministry of Jamborees.

An art student at Brigham Young University created a giant balloon sculpture of NBA star LeBron James. The sculpture will be on ESPN tonight to announce it is leaving for a more exciting and profitable university on the east coast.

Los Angeles' recent law requiring pornographic film actors to use condoms will be headed to the ballots, it seems. Complimentary ballots will be made available in most bar restrooms.

French police raided Nicolas Sarkozy's home and offices on Tuesday, looking for evidence of involvement in illegal activities. Also raided: his wife's panty drawer.

She's hot.

And finally, the New Jersey Nets are moving to their new stadium in Brooklyn. Look for them to become way more liberal, grow dumbass mustaches brag about how many vegetables their stupid CSA produces. Stupid jerks.

Have a great weekend, y'all!