Happy Monday!
Jessica Simpson just gave birth to her second child, a beautiful baby boy. She says she's looking forward to no longer being the least-educated person in the room.
This weekend, Jennifer Lopez serenaded the President of Turkemenistan, one of the world's foremost bastard dictators. When asked if she regretted the performance, she said "not as much as Gigli."
In baseball, the Pittsburgh Pirates have won their ninth straight game, leading to speculation that we are in Bizarro World.
Millions of Egyptians have taken to the streets to protest against President Morsi, although some are probably just doing it out of habit at this point.
Supreme Court Chief Justice Roberts said this weekend that he thinks the court "asks too many questions." Justice Thomas almost said something in response.
Secretary of State Kerry plans a return trip to the Middle East after his last visit failed to result in an Israeli-Palestinian agreement. If anything will motivate the two sides, it's the looming spectre of continued visits from John Kerry.
Reports are coming in that the NSA taps approximately 500 million calls and Internet links in Germany per month. It's rumored to be the largest collection of milkmaid-themed pornography in the free world.
And finally, in Oregon a couple allowed the customers at a Starbucks to pick the name for their newborn baby. The staff announced the winner, and of course they spelled it wrong.
That's all!
Showing posts with label israel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label israel. Show all posts
Monday, July 1, 2013
Monday, April 15, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - April 15, 2013
During a recent speech, Sen. Rand Paul of Kentucky defended his stance on the civil rights movement, saying that his support for the Civil Rights Act has "never wavered." Nope, it's stayed perfectly stable at "zero."
In the UK, Iron Man 3's premier date was pushed back so as not to compete with funeral proceedings for the late Margaret Thatcher. So that's Iron Lady 1, Iron Man 0.
In other Thatcher news, plans are already underway for a memorial library. It will immediately be sold off to a private company and stripped of its valuable parts.
Happy Birthday and Mazeltov to Israel! The unlikely nation just turned 65, while Palestine turned into an even shittier place to live.
In Venezuela, early vote-rigging shows acting President Maduro winning the election by a razor-thin margin. Said Maduro, "don't worry, we'll get better at that for next time."
Jenna Bush just gave birth to her first child, and a PAC has already started soliciting donations for her 2064 presidential bid.
A recent medical study found that people who carry an excess of weight in the torso, called the "Apple" body type, are more likely to suffer from kidney disease and patent-infringement lawsuits from Apple Computers.
And finally, Steven Hawking visited a Los Angeles medical research firm that specializes in applying stem cell research to combating Lou Gehrig's Disease. Hawking praised them for their valuable contribution to medicine and also invited them to "please hurry the fuck up."
Okay, go finish your taxes!
In the UK, Iron Man 3's premier date was pushed back so as not to compete with funeral proceedings for the late Margaret Thatcher. So that's Iron Lady 1, Iron Man 0.
In other Thatcher news, plans are already underway for a memorial library. It will immediately be sold off to a private company and stripped of its valuable parts.
Happy Birthday and Mazeltov to Israel! The unlikely nation just turned 65, while Palestine turned into an even shittier place to live.
In Venezuela, early vote-rigging shows acting President Maduro winning the election by a razor-thin margin. Said Maduro, "don't worry, we'll get better at that for next time."
Jenna Bush just gave birth to her first child, and a PAC has already started soliciting donations for her 2064 presidential bid.
A recent medical study found that people who carry an excess of weight in the torso, called the "Apple" body type, are more likely to suffer from kidney disease and patent-infringement lawsuits from Apple Computers.
And finally, Steven Hawking visited a Los Angeles medical research firm that specializes in applying stem cell research to combating Lou Gehrig's Disease. Hawking praised them for their valuable contribution to medicine and also invited them to "please hurry the fuck up."
Okay, go finish your taxes!
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 27, 2013
Hey, what happened to Tuesday? Who knows! Forget it. Let's think about Wednesday.
Have you seen this? Jay Leno has been mercilessly making fun of NBC's poor ratings on his show. So that joke is now officially no longer funny.
On a recent trip to Israel, President Obama said that the U.S.A.'s commitment to Israel's security is our "solemn obligation." That's also how Israel's Ultra-Orthodox refer to procreative sex.
In non-procreative sex news, Bill Gates has offered a huge grant for anyone who can come up with a better condom. The condom not only has to feel good and protect against disease and pregnancy, but it also has to kill mosquitoes.
Katie Holmes went nearly topless in a new jewelry advertising campaign. When asked about it, she said "come on, that's at best the second worst decision I ever made."
A new video game system, Kyperkin Retron 5, plays cartridges from nine classic gaming consoles. And it also comes with a certificate of authenticity for your virginity. But only if you blow on it first.
I don't know what that means.
A New Jersey liquor store sold last week's $338million Powerball ticket, making it the first time a New Jersey liquor store had anything to do with someone's dream coming true. At all.
Scientists found that there is a specific part of a rooster's brain that tells him when to start crowing. It's the same part of a human brain that makes people say "cold enough for ya?"
And finally, Russian authorities raided Amnesty International's office this week, because Putin totally isn't a villain.
And that's it! Later, cats.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - November 29, 2012
In Asia, a man walked 5,000 miles using Google Maps as his only guide. In a related story, another man attempted the same trek with Apple Maps and died of exhaustion after walking in a circle for a week straight. His goal was to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door.
CNN is looking to rehabilitate their brand, and reached out to Jeffrey Zucker recently to lead the company. So, apparently CNN never pays attention to entertainment news. In a related story, Jay Leno will be taking over Anderson Cooper 360.
In Brussels, angry farmers protested falling milk prices by spraying milk all over police protecting the EU Parliament. In a related story, a group of male porn stars were preemptively denied a permit to protest their working conditions.
Germany is pushing forward anti-bestiality legislation. In a related story, IT'S STILL LEGAL TO HAVE SEX WITH ANIMALS IN GERMANY.
In Egypt, crowds are beginning to protest President Morsi for taking emergency powers recently. It's great news for people who didn't get a chance to protest the last time. Also, no one is surprised.
The U.K. representative to the U.N. said that the country will sit out the upcoming vote on Palestinian statehood, citing the horrible outcome the last time they played that game in the region.
In Rome, a protective barrier has been set up around the Coliseum, to keep people from being hit by falling stones from the ancient structure. Sadly, it looks like this will be the end of a millennia-long tradition of killing people there.
In Israel, many young people are protesting against circumcision. They're being real schmucks about it.
And that's the end.
CNN is looking to rehabilitate their brand, and reached out to Jeffrey Zucker recently to lead the company. So, apparently CNN never pays attention to entertainment news. In a related story, Jay Leno will be taking over Anderson Cooper 360.
In Brussels, angry farmers protested falling milk prices by spraying milk all over police protecting the EU Parliament. In a related story, a group of male porn stars were preemptively denied a permit to protest their working conditions.
Germany is pushing forward anti-bestiality legislation. In a related story, IT'S STILL LEGAL TO HAVE SEX WITH ANIMALS IN GERMANY.
In Egypt, crowds are beginning to protest President Morsi for taking emergency powers recently. It's great news for people who didn't get a chance to protest the last time. Also, no one is surprised.
The U.K. representative to the U.N. said that the country will sit out the upcoming vote on Palestinian statehood, citing the horrible outcome the last time they played that game in the region.
In Rome, a protective barrier has been set up around the Coliseum, to keep people from being hit by falling stones from the ancient structure. Sadly, it looks like this will be the end of a millennia-long tradition of killing people there.
In Israel, many young people are protesting against circumcision. They're being real schmucks about it.
And that's the end.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 25, 2012
Welcome back! Anything happen at the Emmy's? No? Okay, moving on.
In a recent poll, Apple was picked as the "coolest" brand in the UK, beating out the former champion, "Mr. Bean's Fantastic Dress Sock Garters." It's not a very cool place.
Speaking of Apple, a Foxconn factory building the iPhone 5 in China was shut down when 2000 workers rioted. Or, as Apple calls it, a fair level of excitement for the iPhone.
Speaking of the iPhone 5, since its release last week, it has sold 5 million copies, but sales numbers are still falling short of some analysts' expectations. In a related story, childhood sucks for the children of those analysts.
Celebrity umbra leach Dina Lohan said that she won't talk to Dr. Phil again, which is great news. That's just great news. For everyone.
Smartphone giant Samsung will be offering a pink version of the new Galaxy SIII in Korea. Apple responded by saying that they had previously patented both the color pink and Korea.
The CEO of Fiat denied rumors that they would be selling the Alfa Romeo brand, much to the disappointment of corporations having midlife crises.
Early voting has begun in this year's Presidential election for those who just couldn't wait to be disappointed.
And finally, former Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert faces prison time and a $190,000 fine in Israeli court for "breach of trust." Note to self: never cheat on an Israeli court.
Yep, that's how it's going out. Tomorrow!
In a recent poll, Apple was picked as the "coolest" brand in the UK, beating out the former champion, "Mr. Bean's Fantastic Dress Sock Garters." It's not a very cool place.
Speaking of Apple, a Foxconn factory building the iPhone 5 in China was shut down when 2000 workers rioted. Or, as Apple calls it, a fair level of excitement for the iPhone.
Speaking of the iPhone 5, since its release last week, it has sold 5 million copies, but sales numbers are still falling short of some analysts' expectations. In a related story, childhood sucks for the children of those analysts.
Celebrity umbra leach Dina Lohan said that she won't talk to Dr. Phil again, which is great news. That's just great news. For everyone.
Smartphone giant Samsung will be offering a pink version of the new Galaxy SIII in Korea. Apple responded by saying that they had previously patented both the color pink and Korea.
The CEO of Fiat denied rumors that they would be selling the Alfa Romeo brand, much to the disappointment of corporations having midlife crises.
Early voting has begun in this year's Presidential election for those who just couldn't wait to be disappointed.
And finally, former Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert faces prison time and a $190,000 fine in Israeli court for "breach of trust." Note to self: never cheat on an Israeli court.
Yep, that's how it's going out. Tomorrow!
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - April 23, 2012
Oh, boy. Monday. Nothing like it. And that's a good thing.
Hey, Sunday was Earth Day! Did you do anything to celebrate? Google made a neat doodle for their front page with pretty flowers spelling out "Google." I thought it was so cute, I printed out copies for all my friends.
Socialist candidate Francoise Hollande is leading French President Nicolas Sarkozy in the first round of the nation's Presidential election. If Hollande is elected, he's pledged to remove many of Sarkozy's people from the government, but has offered a spot in his administration to Carla Bruni.
At last, the John Edwards trial is set to begin in North Carolina. He stands accused of improperly using large amounts of campaign donations to cover up his affair back in 2008, when that sort of thing was illegal. Once again, Edwards gets into trouble because he just couldn't wait.
Senator Joe Lieberman called for a widespread investigation into the Secret-Service-Colombian-Hooker-Scandal. The Internet called for computer animations from Apple Daily. And also a porn-parody.
According to the Associated Press, China expressed confidence in North Korea's new leadership. In a related story, I expressed doubt in the Associated Press' translators.
Egypt cancelled gas shipments to Israel of payment disputes because... ugh. I'm not going to finish that joke.
In Nevada, a rarely seen daytime meteor appeared at the end of a massive meteor shower, covering the spread at the last minute.
And finally, the Australian House of Representatives Speaker, Peter Slipper, is stepping down in the midst of a developing sex scandal. This is troubling news, but not nearly as troubling as the apparent fact that the name of every Speaker of the House around the world is a euphemism for "penis."
That's all! It's great to be back. See you tomorrow, everyone! Until then, have a great day!
Hey, Sunday was Earth Day! Did you do anything to celebrate? Google made a neat doodle for their front page with pretty flowers spelling out "Google." I thought it was so cute, I printed out copies for all my friends.
Socialist candidate Francoise Hollande is leading French President Nicolas Sarkozy in the first round of the nation's Presidential election. If Hollande is elected, he's pledged to remove many of Sarkozy's people from the government, but has offered a spot in his administration to Carla Bruni.
At last, the John Edwards trial is set to begin in North Carolina. He stands accused of improperly using large amounts of campaign donations to cover up his affair back in 2008, when that sort of thing was illegal. Once again, Edwards gets into trouble because he just couldn't wait.
Senator Joe Lieberman called for a widespread investigation into the Secret-Service-Colombian-Hooker-Scandal. The Internet called for computer animations from Apple Daily. And also a porn-parody.
According to the Associated Press, China expressed confidence in North Korea's new leadership. In a related story, I expressed doubt in the Associated Press' translators.
Egypt cancelled gas shipments to Israel of payment disputes because... ugh. I'm not going to finish that joke.
In Nevada, a rarely seen daytime meteor appeared at the end of a massive meteor shower, covering the spread at the last minute.
And finally, the Australian House of Representatives Speaker, Peter Slipper, is stepping down in the midst of a developing sex scandal. This is troubling news, but not nearly as troubling as the apparent fact that the name of every Speaker of the House around the world is a euphemism for "penis."
That's all! It's great to be back. See you tomorrow, everyone! Until then, have a great day!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - December 1, 2011
Guess what? It's Thursday! Can you see the light at the end of the week? Does it look like it's shining through the bottom of a pint glass? Then let's get through this quick as a bunny. Is that a saying? I don't know. Have some jokes.
Good news, people who love history to repeat! China lowered their bank reserve ratio, allowing banks to lend more money out, thus lowering the bar for lenders thus making it easier for people with poor credit ratings to get... oh, I see what you did there, China.
Speaking of money, Israel just released $100million in tax revenue they had been withholding from the Palestinian authority. Way to fight stereotypes, Israel.
Good news! More American children have health insurance than they did a year ago! Bad news. More kids now rely on free school lunches than ever before. Well, at least they have health insurance to treat all the diabetes they're going to get from school lunches.
Hey, technology! NASA is launching an app store! It's like a regular app store, but everything costs $4billion and when the apps crash they can't be relaunched.
Medicine! Doctors in America are studying possible medicinal uses for hallucinogens for treating mental health issues like post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, and an inability to fully appreciate laserlight Pink Floyd shows.
In Christmas news, Rockafeller center welcomed a giant Spruce from Mifflinville, Pennsylvania. So that's how you get out of Mifflinville, Pennsylvania.
In India, a disgruntled snake charmer released dozens of snakes in a local tax office, apparently protesting a tax hike on ridiculous stereotypes. Also, that's some serious dedication to a protest. Pretty sure if the Occupy protesters had a bunch of snakes, the cops would have stayed the hell away.
And finally, AMR, the parent company of American Airlines, filed for bankruptcy protection. The company vowed, however, to make sure the reorganization process in no way prevents them from delaying your flight.
And that ends the jokes. I hope your December gets off to a great start! Come back tomorrow for more Spencer Hicks joy, and I'll see you on Monday.
Good news, people who love history to repeat! China lowered their bank reserve ratio, allowing banks to lend more money out, thus lowering the bar for lenders thus making it easier for people with poor credit ratings to get... oh, I see what you did there, China.
Speaking of money, Israel just released $100million in tax revenue they had been withholding from the Palestinian authority. Way to fight stereotypes, Israel.
Good news! More American children have health insurance than they did a year ago! Bad news. More kids now rely on free school lunches than ever before. Well, at least they have health insurance to treat all the diabetes they're going to get from school lunches.
Hey, technology! NASA is launching an app store! It's like a regular app store, but everything costs $4billion and when the apps crash they can't be relaunched.
Medicine! Doctors in America are studying possible medicinal uses for hallucinogens for treating mental health issues like post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, and an inability to fully appreciate laserlight Pink Floyd shows.
In Christmas news, Rockafeller center welcomed a giant Spruce from Mifflinville, Pennsylvania. So that's how you get out of Mifflinville, Pennsylvania.
In India, a disgruntled snake charmer released dozens of snakes in a local tax office, apparently protesting a tax hike on ridiculous stereotypes. Also, that's some serious dedication to a protest. Pretty sure if the Occupy protesters had a bunch of snakes, the cops would have stayed the hell away.
And finally, AMR, the parent company of American Airlines, filed for bankruptcy protection. The company vowed, however, to make sure the reorganization process in no way prevents them from delaying your flight.
And that ends the jokes. I hope your December gets off to a great start! Come back tomorrow for more Spencer Hicks joy, and I'll see you on Monday.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 26, 2011
Yay! Keep it up! Let's get through this week! Oh, I forget sometimes how difficult it is to convey bitter, detached irony through text. Boo, hoo. Enjoy some jokes!
In royal news, Prince William gave an old pair of Princess Diana's earrings to Kate Middleton, who already wears Princess Diana's engagement ring. Along with the earrings, William also sent Kate a bottle of peroxide and a copy of Vertigo. Good flick.
In opera news, an Israeli orchestra is set to perform one of Hitler's favorite pieces, by Wagner, in Germany. It's quite possibly the most punk rock moment in operatic history.
In political news, the Syrian government announced that it will allow political parties, but they're still undecided on whether or not to allow political candidates.
Speaking of political candidates, Hugo Chavez will be running for re-election in 2012, because of course he will. However, he's expected to face a tough primary challenge from his tumor.
In Korea, a woman protesting job losses has now spent 200 days on top of a crane at a prominent shipping company. Just like a woman, right fellas?
In other industrial horror news, the formerly-trapped Chilean miners from Chile have reached an agreement on a movie deal based upon their lives and their harrowing time spent trapped for weeks in total darkness by a collapse at the mine. The movie is tentatively called Don't Be a Miner!
Police in New York busted a prostitution ring worth $7million. What tipped them off? Probably all those bags of ten dollar bills stuck together. That's why you've gotta launder your money...
And finally, Chinese law enforcement has been hard at work recently shutting down fake Apple Stores selling counterfeit Apple products. How do they know the products are fake? They weren't made in China.
That's it. Come back tomorrow, and maybe there will be a debt-ceiling joke. Maybe?
Till then, have a great day!
In royal news, Prince William gave an old pair of Princess Diana's earrings to Kate Middleton, who already wears Princess Diana's engagement ring. Along with the earrings, William also sent Kate a bottle of peroxide and a copy of Vertigo. Good flick.
In opera news, an Israeli orchestra is set to perform one of Hitler's favorite pieces, by Wagner, in Germany. It's quite possibly the most punk rock moment in operatic history.
In political news, the Syrian government announced that it will allow political parties, but they're still undecided on whether or not to allow political candidates.
Speaking of political candidates, Hugo Chavez will be running for re-election in 2012, because of course he will. However, he's expected to face a tough primary challenge from his tumor.
In Korea, a woman protesting job losses has now spent 200 days on top of a crane at a prominent shipping company. Just like a woman, right fellas?
In other industrial horror news, the formerly-trapped Chilean miners from Chile have reached an agreement on a movie deal based upon their lives and their harrowing time spent trapped for weeks in total darkness by a collapse at the mine. The movie is tentatively called Don't Be a Miner!
Police in New York busted a prostitution ring worth $7million. What tipped them off? Probably all those bags of ten dollar bills stuck together. That's why you've gotta launder your money...
And finally, Chinese law enforcement has been hard at work recently shutting down fake Apple Stores selling counterfeit Apple products. How do they know the products are fake? They weren't made in China.
That's it. Come back tomorrow, and maybe there will be a debt-ceiling joke. Maybe?
Till then, have a great day!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - April 14, 2011
Did you know that "Thursday" is named for the legendary Greek hero "Thursdosius?" You didn't know that? Well, don't feel bad. It's not true. Who needs segues? We've got jokes!
Apple announced this week that they are releasing an update to their popular video editing software, Final Cut Pro X, much to the delight of software pirates.
In Israel, a vacationing Justin Bieber has been besieged by hordes of crazed fans. Said one witness to the Bieber-mania, "these people act like he's the second coming! Or the first coming, depending on who you ask."
In Syria, thousands of women took to the streets and blocked a major highway as part of a protest demanding the release of government prisoners. Typical. Even when they're not allowed to drive, women still manage to mess up traffic.
In Egypt, former president Hosni Mubarak was detained by the "government" on corruption charges. Now that he's under investigation and may be indicted, the not-so-strongman mused "I wish I'd made the jails nicer while I had the chance."
Speaking of jails, a jail in South Carolina was accused of violating prisoners' civil rights by allowing the inmates to only read the Bible. Said one inmate, "it's been rough. Have you ever tried masturbating to the Bible? It just feels wrong!"
Also disturbing, the TSA ruled this week that screeners acted properly in the pat-down of a six year old girl at the New Orleans airport. In a related story, Roman Polanski just applied for a job.
An audience member at American Idol is claiming she was barred from a front row seat because she's overweight. A spokesman for the show said "that's ridiculous. Her weight had nothing to do with our decision. It was actually her hideous, disgusting face. Did you see this girl? Ugh!"
Lastly, famed musician and gourmand Ozzy Osbourne was named a "legend" by the music magazine Kerrang! His status as a legend will undoubtedly lead future generations to doubt his existence, assuming him to be nothing more than the personification of the best parts of the human spirit. Maybe they'll name Thursday after him.
That's it for me! Have a great day, tell your friends, sound off below, and come see us again tomorrow!
Apple announced this week that they are releasing an update to their popular video editing software, Final Cut Pro X, much to the delight of software pirates.
In Israel, a vacationing Justin Bieber has been besieged by hordes of crazed fans. Said one witness to the Bieber-mania, "these people act like he's the second coming! Or the first coming, depending on who you ask."
In Syria, thousands of women took to the streets and blocked a major highway as part of a protest demanding the release of government prisoners. Typical. Even when they're not allowed to drive, women still manage to mess up traffic.
In Egypt, former president Hosni Mubarak was detained by the "government" on corruption charges. Now that he's under investigation and may be indicted, the not-so-strongman mused "I wish I'd made the jails nicer while I had the chance."
Speaking of jails, a jail in South Carolina was accused of violating prisoners' civil rights by allowing the inmates to only read the Bible. Said one inmate, "it's been rough. Have you ever tried masturbating to the Bible? It just feels wrong!"
Also disturbing, the TSA ruled this week that screeners acted properly in the pat-down of a six year old girl at the New Orleans airport. In a related story, Roman Polanski just applied for a job.
An audience member at American Idol is claiming she was barred from a front row seat because she's overweight. A spokesman for the show said "that's ridiculous. Her weight had nothing to do with our decision. It was actually her hideous, disgusting face. Did you see this girl? Ugh!"
Lastly, famed musician and gourmand Ozzy Osbourne was named a "legend" by the music magazine Kerrang! His status as a legend will undoubtedly lead future generations to doubt his existence, assuming him to be nothing more than the personification of the best parts of the human spirit. Maybe they'll name Thursday after him.
That's it for me! Have a great day, tell your friends, sound off below, and come see us again tomorrow!
Monday, March 21, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 22, 2011
It's Two-Two-Tuesday And you know what that means! Good, then we don't have to talk about it. On with the blog!
Coalition forces bombing Tripoli nearly hit Colonel Gaddhafi's personal tent with a smart bomb this weekend in what some observers are calling a targeted attempt to kill the obviously nuts dictator. A spokesman for the coalition forces denied that Gaddhafi was being targeted personally by the bombing campaign, and further went on to say "wink!"
Back in America, T-Mobile has been fielding questions from consumers who are concerned about the impending purchase of the company by AT&T. The most popular question is, of course, will T-Mobile be offering iPhones? The answer, sadly, is no. However, T-Mobile customers can look forward to the same awful service that iPhone users have "enjoyed" for years. Thanks, Ma Bell!
The presidential election in Haiti wrapped up this week without serious incident. International observers were shocked to learn, though, that at least two people still wanted to be the president of Haiti.
Former rock singer Sammy Hagar has a new book out. Wait, that's not the weird part. Mr. Hagar revealed in the book that he's been abducted by aliens, on multiple occasions, beginning when he was four years old. It's at that point the story gets fishy. Really, Sammy, the aliens kept coming back for years to abduct you? Come on, you know everyone gets sick of you after one song.
In San Antonio, a man flipped out at Taco Bell when he discovered the price of his burrito had gone up since the last time he visited. First, he fired a BB gun at the cashier, then went to his car and got an assault rifle, which he fired at police and then barricaded himself inside until the cops threw tear gas inside. All over the price of a burrito at Taco Bell. Can you imagine what this guy did when he found out about Santa Claus?
Good news from Hollywood, as writers and studios reached a tentative agreement to continue working for the next three years. Writers will receive pay raises, as well as increased revenue from royalties. In Wisconsin, Governor Scott Walker said "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Elsewhere in Hollywood, actress Kate Walsh, the celebrated star of Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy said in an interview that at 43 years old, she feels like a loser for not having children. She then went on to add, "thank God I've still got my amazing television career. I mean, if I were 43, didn't have children and didn't have a successful television show, we'll I'd probably just kill myself."
Finally, Sarah Palin has been visiting Israel this week, but she's staying very far away from the press. 'Cause they're controlled by the you-know-who... Happy Purim, everyone!
That's all I can bring myself to write. Hope you enjoyed it! Click those buttons below, share us with your friends and come back tomorrow for more joyful tidings and jokes and things. Have a great day everyone!
Coalition forces bombing Tripoli nearly hit Colonel Gaddhafi's personal tent with a smart bomb this weekend in what some observers are calling a targeted attempt to kill the obviously nuts dictator. A spokesman for the coalition forces denied that Gaddhafi was being targeted personally by the bombing campaign, and further went on to say "wink!"
Back in America, T-Mobile has been fielding questions from consumers who are concerned about the impending purchase of the company by AT&T. The most popular question is, of course, will T-Mobile be offering iPhones? The answer, sadly, is no. However, T-Mobile customers can look forward to the same awful service that iPhone users have "enjoyed" for years. Thanks, Ma Bell!
The presidential election in Haiti wrapped up this week without serious incident. International observers were shocked to learn, though, that at least two people still wanted to be the president of Haiti.
Former rock singer Sammy Hagar has a new book out. Wait, that's not the weird part. Mr. Hagar revealed in the book that he's been abducted by aliens, on multiple occasions, beginning when he was four years old. It's at that point the story gets fishy. Really, Sammy, the aliens kept coming back for years to abduct you? Come on, you know everyone gets sick of you after one song.
In San Antonio, a man flipped out at Taco Bell when he discovered the price of his burrito had gone up since the last time he visited. First, he fired a BB gun at the cashier, then went to his car and got an assault rifle, which he fired at police and then barricaded himself inside until the cops threw tear gas inside. All over the price of a burrito at Taco Bell. Can you imagine what this guy did when he found out about Santa Claus?
Good news from Hollywood, as writers and studios reached a tentative agreement to continue working for the next three years. Writers will receive pay raises, as well as increased revenue from royalties. In Wisconsin, Governor Scott Walker said "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Elsewhere in Hollywood, actress Kate Walsh, the celebrated star of Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy said in an interview that at 43 years old, she feels like a loser for not having children. She then went on to add, "thank God I've still got my amazing television career. I mean, if I were 43, didn't have children and didn't have a successful television show, we'll I'd probably just kill myself."
Finally, Sarah Palin has been visiting Israel this week, but she's staying very far away from the press. 'Cause they're controlled by the you-know-who... Happy Purim, everyone!
That's all I can bring myself to write. Hope you enjoyed it! Click those buttons below, share us with your friends and come back tomorrow for more joyful tidings and jokes and things. Have a great day everyone!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - March 14, 2011
Did you enjoy your 47 hour weekend? Where did that extra hour go? Pretty sure Gov. Walker gave it to the Koch brothers. But we've still got jokes.
Conan O'Brien went to South by South West this weekend to see a documentary based on his firing from the Tonight Show. Festival organizers bumped his screening to midnight just for old times' sake.
On an Alaska Airlines flight, Air Marshals and FBI agents were alerted to "suspicious" behavior by three passengers. It turns out the men were Orthodox Jews and they were praying. Nice work, everyone. As a precaution, TSA screeners are now confiscating weaponized prayer beads from air travelers.
In a related story, the guy who played Gopher on The Love Boat is planning a radio show to deal with the topic of radical Islam. This sentence was brought to you in part by Mad-Libs.
Also in tolerance news, or "intolerance" news, Tennessee lawmakers want to make it a felony for residents to follow Sharia law. Guess that means mandatory porkchop sandwiches for everyone! Oh, and screw the First Amendment.
In Slovakia, a two-headed and five-legged turtle has been accurately predicting the winners in a Slovakian hockey tournament. Sports historians agree this is the most exciting thing to ever happen in hockey.
In Israel, Jewish and Arab rappers came together to form a hip hop group promoting peace and understanding through what is surely awful, awful hip hop. Featuring Timbaland, of course.
And lastly, Amazon is considering giving free Kindles to their Amazon Prime members. Meanwhile, Borders employees are subsisting on a glue-and-pulp soup made from boiling unsold copies of Sarah Palin's memoir.
That's all for now! Have an awesome Monday, everyone! Leave your comments, email/repost us to your hearts' content, and we'll see you again tomorrow!
Conan O'Brien went to South by South West this weekend to see a documentary based on his firing from the Tonight Show. Festival organizers bumped his screening to midnight just for old times' sake.
In legal news, former Survivor star Richard Hatch is going back to prison to serve out his sentence for unpaid taxes. There's been no word about a possible special appearance on LOCKDOWN.
In other celebrity news, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel broke up, which means now we'll have to suffer through an awful, morose breakup album from Timberlake. Featuring Timbaland, of course.
In a related story, the guy who played Gopher on The Love Boat is planning a radio show to deal with the topic of radical Islam. This sentence was brought to you in part by Mad-Libs.
Also in tolerance news, or "intolerance" news, Tennessee lawmakers want to make it a felony for residents to follow Sharia law. Guess that means mandatory porkchop sandwiches for everyone! Oh, and screw the First Amendment.
In Slovakia, a two-headed and five-legged turtle has been accurately predicting the winners in a Slovakian hockey tournament. Sports historians agree this is the most exciting thing to ever happen in hockey.
In Israel, Jewish and Arab rappers came together to form a hip hop group promoting peace and understanding through what is surely awful, awful hip hop. Featuring Timbaland, of course.
And lastly, Amazon is considering giving free Kindles to their Amazon Prime members. Meanwhile, Borders employees are subsisting on a glue-and-pulp soup made from boiling unsold copies of Sarah Palin's memoir.
That's all for now! Have an awesome Monday, everyone! Leave your comments, email/repost us to your hearts' content, and we'll see you again tomorrow!
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