During a recent speech, Sen. Rand Paul of Kentucky defended his stance on the civil rights movement, saying that his support for the Civil Rights Act has "never wavered." Nope, it's stayed perfectly stable at "zero."
In the UK, Iron Man 3's premier date was pushed back so as not to compete with funeral proceedings for the late Margaret Thatcher. So that's Iron Lady 1, Iron Man 0.
In other Thatcher news, plans are already underway for a memorial library. It will immediately be sold off to a private company and stripped of its valuable parts.
Happy Birthday and Mazeltov to Israel! The unlikely nation just turned 65, while Palestine turned into an even shittier place to live.
In Venezuela, early vote-rigging shows acting President Maduro winning the election by a razor-thin margin. Said Maduro, "don't worry, we'll get better at that for next time."
Jenna Bush just gave birth to her first child, and a PAC has already started soliciting donations for her 2064 presidential bid.
A recent medical study found that people who carry an excess of weight in the torso, called the "Apple" body type, are more likely to suffer from kidney disease and patent-infringement lawsuits from Apple Computers.
And finally, Steven Hawking visited a Los Angeles medical research firm that specializes in applying stem cell research to combating Lou Gehrig's Disease. Hawking praised them for their valuable contribution to medicine and also invited them to "please hurry the fuck up."
Okay, go finish your taxes!
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