Monday Morning Monologue - January 14, 2012

In political news, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann was appointed to the House Intelligence Committee. She will be heading up the special sub-committee on irony.

In economic news, consumer debt is increasing on car and student loans. "Great," said the over-educated guy sitting in his car with no job to drive to.

In making his cabinet appointments, President Obama reportedly asked Mitt Romney to send over his "binders full of women." Bill Clinton asks to be cc'd.

Colin Powell said that the GOP holds a "dark vein of intolerance." Strangely enough, that's what Strom Thurmond used to call the vein on his penis.

The New England Patriots are headed to another AFC championship game, in case you were running out of things to not care about.

A Chicago man was arrested and charged with spitting on a Secret Service agent. Unfortunately for him, only the gun lobby is allowed to openly spit on law enforcement.

Thousands of Russians came out to protest a recent anti-US adoption ban, which should serve as some indication as to how much Russians hate having babies around.

And finally, California's citrus harvest appears to have weathered a recent cold snap. No word on how it fared against the latest sick burn.

Later!

Thursday Morning Monologue - May 10, 2012

Happy Thursday! Do you have any drink specials? Oh, then you're probably not a bar in my neighborhood. Have joke, on me.

A United Airlines jet had to make an emergency landing in Denver yesterday because passengers were in danger of reaching their destination on time.

President Obama said yesterday in an interview that same-sex marriage "should be legal!" Yay, equality! Wait, hold on a second. Why did he say "should" and not "will be?" Oh, Barack, you've tricked us again!

Speaking of the President, he faced a challenge in Tuesday's West Virginia primary from a felon incarcerated in Texas. Look, I'm not saying we should vote a felon into the White House, but if he can get a real stimulus package through Congress, maybe we should consider it. Because I don't think anybody wants filibuster a bill endorsed by "President Knifey-Stab."

Reports leaked from Saudi and U.S. intelligence services indicate that the foiled Yemeni airplane bomb plot may actually be viral marketing for the forthcoming 24 movie.

Michele Bachmann just became a Swiss citizen, now holding dual citizenship in America and Switzerland, meaning she'll now have the opportunity to indignantly accuse people she disagrees with of being "un-Swiss."

The Japanese government is taking over TEPCO after the disaster at the Fukushima power plant. No word yet who will be taking over Congress after the last two years.

Punk rocker Tom Gabel came out as transgendered, shocking many who didn't realize that punk rock was still around.

And finally, the Indian Supreme Court suspended a plan to reintroduce cheetahs into the wild after special interest groups spent years cultivating relationships with members of the court who then refused to recuse themselves from cases involving their friends and business partners. Wait, no, sorry, I was thinking about the U.S. Supreme Court.

Doin' a heckuva a job, Roberts!

And that's all! If I can keep my inner Morrissey in check, there will be a podcast tomorrow. Till then, TOODLES!

Thursday Morning Monologue - January 26, 2012

Can you believe it's Thursday already? It might not be Thursday when you read this, so that's pretty believable, I guess. Anyway, enjoy these mind-bending bits of... oh, Hell, they're just jokes. Read away!

President Barack Obama delivered his yearly State of the Union address Tuesday night. The program was the highest-rated program on NBC all week.

After Tuesday's State of the Union address, the Republican response, delivered by Governor Mitch Daniels, accused President Obama of making "efforts to divide us," saying that he was co-opting GOP plans to divide the nation.

Michele Bachmann is seeking a fourth term in Congress. And for some reason she's still campaigning in Iowa.

Newt Gingrich is refusing to debate if the audience can't applaud. Seems like Newt just can't escape the clap.

Rick Santorum wants the audience to make noise, too, but that's because he's hoping someone will shout out the answers.

Newt Gingrich announced that he would establish a colony on the moon if he were President. And by "establish a colony on the moon" he means "blast all the poor people into space."

In Arizona, President Obama had a tense conversation with Governor Jan Brewer, presumably over the fact that she's a terrible governor.

And finally, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner said yesterday that President Obama wouldn't keep him on if he is reelected this fall. Well, finally Geithner starts making reasonable predictions.

Okay, that's all you get! There will be more Monday! And more tomorrow with Spencer! HOORAY!

Thursday Morning Monologue - January 5, 2011

Good morning, friends! Doing anything inappropriate today? Sure hope so. You can start by laughing inappropriately loudly at these jokes and sending them to an inappropriate number of your friends. Commence enjoyment!

In Florida, a boy was hit by bullets shot into the air in celebration on New Year's Eve. He survived, and is recuperating in a local hospital, and doctors said yesterday that his condition is improving. Now, this is good news, Florida, but please resist the urge to celebrate it by firing wildly into the air.

Chinese television stations were ordered by the government to cut their entertainment programming by two thirds. They plan to fill the empty time with episodes of Whitney.

Marine biologists discovered a new species of sea crab, which has been dubbed "The Hoff" because of its hairy chest and its inexplicable popularity among Germans.

In Utah, a woman arrested for shoplifting claimed to be one of the "Cosby kids" from The Cosby Show. Authorities doubted her story, however, when they realized she was white.

Starbucks is raising its prices by 1% in certain parts of the country. I can't help feeling that this is somehow tied in with Occupy Wall Street. If it is, screw those hippies for making my soy chai latte marginally more expensive!

In political news, Rick Santorum lost the Iowa caucus by 8 votes, or .42 Duggars.

And Michele Bachmann, who finished in sixth place, is dropping out of the race. She explained, "If I can't win over assholes like Iowa Republicans, then I've got no business running."

And finally, Google is in trouble for reportedly paying bloggers to create pro-Chrome blog posts to raise the web browser's profile, which is ridiculous. Google Chrome is so intuitive, user-friendly, stable and feature-packed that it doesn't need any help getting publicity. It's just that good! Seriously.

Sorry, but I really need the money for chai.

And that's all for me this week! Spencer takes over tomorrow, and I'll be back on Monday. Till then, have a series of great days!

Monday Morning Monologue - January 2, 2012

Happy 2012! Did you make any New Year's resolutions? Probably not, because you're awesome, right? No need to change. But not everyone is so lucky. So, I've made a few resolutions on behalf of public figures who could use a new direction. Oh, and they're mostly funny.

For Chris Hanson, I resolve to invite someone over for drinks without posing as a 12 year old.

For John Boehner, I resolve to be less godawful at my job.

For Michele Bachman, I resolve to do something different with my eye makeup, or wear glasses or do something to look less creepy and intense all the time.

For Harry Reid, I resolve to not be held hostage by a Republican minority unless, you know, it involves legislation based on Democratic principles or would help the American people.

For Michael Bay, I resolve to blow some stuff up.

For Mitt Romney, I resolve to take a position on something. Doesn't matter what.

For Rupert Murdoch, I resolve to check my voicemail more often.

And finally, for Donald Trump, I resolve to quit being such a douchebag.

That's all for now! Tomorrow will be back to normal. Sure hope we get some news before then. Until that time, have a great day!

Monday Morning Monologue - December 12, 2011

Did everyone have a great weekend? I'm pretty sure I explicitly told everyone who reads this blog to have a great weekend. So, I really hope you did it. Because I'm a megalomaniac. And now, jokes.

On Meet the Press yesterday, actual Senator Lindsey Graham explained his opposition to the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, saying that the regulatory body was "something out of the Stalinist era." His new economic adviser Yakov Smirnoff then added, "in Soviet Russia, Financial Protection Bureau consumes you!"

In Virginia, a woman was arrested for falsely claiming to be a cancer survivor in order to solicit donations. The woman has publicly apologized, and offered to join a tanning salon.

Astronomers confirmed the possible presence of planets made entirely of diamonds recently. Newt Gingrich has already purchased one on credit.

Speaking of Gingrich, the Arab League recently condemned comments he made about Palestinians as ignorant and racist. Newt thanked them for their endorsement.

Rick Perry screwed up again this week, when he misidentified the number of US Supreme Court Justices during an interview. Fortunately, that kid who stumped Michele Bachmann was there to set him straight.

In other Rick Perry news, he and Mitt Romney got into a heated debate about healthcare, and Romney offered to bet Perry $10,000 that he was right. That's $10,000, or as uninsured Americans call it "the amount of money we need to keep getting chemotherapy for another week."

Former Panamanian strongman Manuel Noriega was extradited back to Panama this week after spending 22 years in prison overseas. He's expected to serve out the rest of his life in Panamanian prison where, if he's truly lucky, he will die without ever having seen an episode of NBC's Whitney.

And finally, in the Ukraine, a group of young women protested the recent Russian parliamentary elections by stripping in front of a Moscow church. Let that be a lesson to you, Vladimir Putin. You screw around with the elections, and young women will come to your city and take off their clothes. Hmm. Wait a minute...

Monday Morning Monologue - November 28, 2011

Vacation's over. Back to work. Happy Monday, or whatever. Did anyone else have to buy new pants this weekend? Anyway, here's some jokes to get your stuffing-filled bellies jiggling.

The Arab League voted to level sanctions against Syria yesterday, making them ineligible for this year's Arab Bowl.

In America, cities are spending millions of dollars to fund police department operations to clear out Occupy Wall Street protest camps while cutting funding to homeless shelters. Wait a minute, I think I just figured out the budget crisis.

New Hampshire's leading conservative newspaper, The Union Leader, called Mitt Romney the "perfect President for the 19th century." A confused Romney thanked The Union Leader for their endorsement.

Speaking of endorsements, The Union Leader actually did endorse Newt Gingrich. Which had nothing to do with the full page ad purchased by Tiffany and Co. on page C-2.

A high school student in Kansas was punished recently for tweeting that she thought Gov. Sam Brownback "sucked." The controversial tweet was seen by the girl's 60 followers, or in Kansas terms: an entire Congressional District. In a related story, the Governor's office contacted the school about the tweet because, as it turns out, the Governor is a big crybaby.

In Florida, three employees of a septic tank company are facing jail time for tricking customers into purchasing a special kind of toilet paper. Add that to the list of Worst Reasons to Go to Jail. I bet they feel pretty... badly about that. Thought I was going to say "shitty," right? Well, not this time.

NBC apologized last week for playing "Lyin' Ass Bitch" during Michele Bachmann's visit to Late Night with Jiummy Fallon, but have remained strangely silent on the issue of Whitney. Come on, NBC. America is waiting.

And finally, Rick Santorum went on the record at Tuesday's debate in support of religious profiling of Muslims by law enforcement. It's part of Santorum's efforts to sew up the bigot vote. Go get 'em, Rick!

And that's the end. More tomorrow, I promise. Until then, have a great day!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 23, 2011

Better late than never? We'll see about that. Here's 1.5 blogs for you.

Hulk Hogan's divorce was finalized today, and his ex-wife managed to get sole custody of their Hulkamania.

President Obama pardoned the White House turkey today, which is good news for other turkeys who are similar prisoners of conscience.

In France, hundreds of protesters blocked a train filled with nuclear waste headed for Germany. Although most of them were just hoping to get super powers.

In the UK over the weekend, the television series Dr. Who accidentally received an award meant for another series. But don't worry, they can just hop in the TARDIS and fix it. Right, nerds?

Newt Gingrich, the new GOP presidential frontrunner, is calling for a "humane" stance on immigration, in the clearest indication yet that he doesn't actually want to be president.

Due to the spread of Facebook and Twitter, sociologists now estimate that each person is separated from every other person by 4.72 people, instead of six, which means that 1.28 people are no longer necessary. I think I just figured out unemployment.

In financial news, Netflix is selling $200 million in bonds. But they're not calling them bonds. But then they are. But they're actually twice as expensive. But then they're not. But at least you can get them on your iPhone.

On the 700 Club, holy roller Pat Robinson caused some trouble this week when he asked if "mac and cheese" was a "black thing." In his defense, however, it should be noted that he's a xenophobic old coot who is out of touch with society and reality.

Herman Cain signed a hard-line pro-life pledge today. Maybe that's not so shocking, considering how he already seems to think he's in control of women's bodies.

Michele Bachmann is demanding an apology from musician Questlove for playing the song "Lyin' Ass Bitch" when Bachmann appeared on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. I don't know. Makes sense considering her performance in the debate last night.

Legendary stylist Guido Palau said in an interview this week that Kim Kardashian is "our generation's Marilyn Monroe." Kim, you might want to think twice if Guido offers you any pills.

And finally, astronomers and biologists ranked the livability of earth-like planets located in other solar systems. They examined the planets in terms of gravity, distance from their suns, and proximity to Starbucks.

And that's all! See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!

Monday Morning Monologue - November 14, 2011

Good morning, good Monday, and good to see you. I've got a great blog for you today, in theory. I'm actually writing this introduction before the jokes, so maybe all this lofty rhetoric will come to naught. Or maybe not. I'm excited to find out. Anyone else?

An email leaked from CBS news saying that due to Bachmann's 4% rating in GOP polls, the network would not be spending any time covering her performance at the debate this weekend. While this is bad news for Bachmann, she can still count on a bump from her feature profile in Crazy Eyes Digest.

Speaking of crazy eyes, comic book creator Frank Miller posted on his blog last week that the Occupy Wall Street protesters were nothing but "louts, thieves, and rapists." Upon hearing this, Mark Millar said "hey, that would make a great comic." Anybody? Okay.

In other adaptation news, 100,000 copies of the new Atlas Shrugged DVD went out with a mistake on the sleeve. The description of the film called it a tale of "courage and self-sacrifice," instead of "courage and self-interest." But the most unbelievable part of this is that someone actually thought they could sell 100,000 copies of this thing.

More errors to talk about now. Bill O'Reilly's new book about the Lincoln assassination has been banned from National Parks bookstores because a reviewer found over four pages of factual errors in the book. The most egregious error was O'Reilly's assertion that the plot was funded by Hillary Clinton.

In St. Augstine, Florida, a couple returned home to find that their dog had eaten en envelope with $1000 cash inside. What's really remarkable is that only $900 came out the other end, which is a better return on investment than your 401(K) had last year.

Actress Zoe Saldana just split up with her long-time fiance, which is great news for nerds who feel guilty about masturbating to women in committed relationships.

In Italy, economist and politician Mario Monti assumed the role of Prime Minister, and set about bringing together a new cabinet and coalition government. First order of business: close down the Department of Hookers.

And finally, Wal-Mart announced that it will begin it's "Black Friday" post-Thanksgiving sales at 10pm on Thanksgiving night, which is great news for families who are sick of talking to each other.

And that's all. Did it live up to the hype? I can't tell any more. Anyway, that's all for now. Bring it on back tomorrow for more. Till then, have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - September 29, 2011

And so ends the week of learning. Wait, that's supposed to be at the end. Okay, well, just keep that in mind while I wrap this up. What are we doing? Oh, right. Here's the eight things you should know about the GOP primaries!

1. Florida will be holding its primary first so that Florida voters "can just tune out for the rest of the year."

2. Wisconsin's primary will be decided this year by a drinking contest.

3. All voters in the primaries this year will receive mandatory HPV vaccinations.

4. Mitt Romney is leading in the polls nationally. In last place: Mitt Romney from a year ago.

5. Rick Perry dropped in the poll numbers recently, a loss he attributes to "not executing anyone for a while."

6. National GOP leadership is trying to convince Michele Bachmann that the election will be held in 2013.

7. Newt Gingrich is running only because he lost a bet.

8. Rudy Giuliani will do as well this year as he did in 2008.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 13, 2011

Hey, it's Tuesday, which means last night was the first ever CNN/Tea Party Express GOP Presidential Debate in Florida. Why Florida? Why do you think, wise guy? A few crazy things happened, as you might expect. Here's a rundown.

Wolf Blitzer shared his moderating duties 50/50 with his beard.

Mitt Romney accused Governor Perry of flip-flopping on the issue of Social Security reform, citing passages from Perry's own book as evidence. Representative Bachmann then accused Romney of reading.

Yes, Governor Perry thinks Social Security is unconstitutional. But don't worry, he won't take it away. You see, Rick Perry actually likes lots of unconstitutional ideas.

Michele Bachmann criticized Perry for mandating the HPV vaccine, which is used to prevent the spread of the human paillomavirus in women. According to Bachmann, the virus is a living thing, and thus she will defend to her death it's right to live inside American vaginas as God intended.

At one point, Governor Huntsman accused the other candidates of scaring the American public, saying the GOP needs to find solutions if they are to stand any chance in 2012. His microphone was immediately turned off.

Leading up to the debate, Governor Perry wrote an editorial for USA Today in which he said "I am going to be honest with the American people," in a startling departure from his previous strategy.

Just before the debate, former candidate and Governor Tim Pawlenty formally endorsed Mitt Romney, saying oh who the hell cares? No, that's not his quote, that's me. Who gives a damn about Pawlenty?

And finally, lots of promises were made at the debate. Most notably, Governor Perry pledged to make government as inconsequential as possible. Frankly, electing Perry to any office is a great start in reducing the importance and effectiveness of that office. Maybe he'd like to take a turn judging for American Idol?

Okay, that's all for now. Come back tomorrow for more, I friggin' dare you! Till then, have a great day!

Monday Morning Monologue - August 15, 2011

Welcome back, everyone! I hope you all had a great weekend. I was rained on *and* managed to get some sunburn. That's effective time management, right? Speaking of effective time management, I've managed to write these timely jokes for you. Effective... now!

Big news if you're Nepalese this weekend as Jhalnath Khana, Nepal's Prime Minister, resigned his post. The Nepalese leader said he just needs some time to find himself, and plans to spend a year backpacking through Ohio. SWITCH-UP!

Okay, back to America and what really matters: children. A study came out recently that linked diminished learning ability to a lack of daily recess time. No, the study was not conducted by Mrs. Lopez's third grade class. Yeah, apparently kids can't learn as well without recess. Or books, or after school tutoring, or adequate lunches, or school supplies, or you get the idea.

Remember British Petroleum? They said recently that the company "cannot find skilled workers" which is great news for people who love oil spills. Wait, BP can't find skilled workers? Oh, that's probably due to people not wanting to be blown up on oil rigs. Right, that's a tough sell.

In television news, a group of witches is protesting the portrayal of witches on the popular HBO program True Blood. It seems that real witches aren't nearly as slutty as the characters on True Blood. But then again, who is?

In a related story, absolutely no bitches have been protesting the unflattering portrayal of their kind in The Hills.

In political news, Representative Michele Bachmann won the GOP's Iowa straw poll this weekend, placing her in the lead among the GOP presidential contenders. In response, President Obama said "and I thought I got all my birthday gifts last week. Thanks, Iowa!"

In a related story, former Minnesotta Governor Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race, saying that it's clear he's just not nearly batshit crazy enough this year to connect with GOP voters. An obviously disappointed Pawlenty said "who knows, maybe I'll be back next time, with a malignant brain tumor that drives me absolutely nuts. That'd be sweet."

An lastly, amid this week's insane-o stock market ups and downs, sales of gold continue to rise on eBay. Other items gaining in popularity: cans of gasoline, crossbows and leather chaps with full bondage riding outfits. Gimps sold separately.

And that's all he wrote. He being me. But he will write more for tomorrow. So enjoy today. In fact, have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 9, 2011

Happy Tuesday, unless you're in London, in which case, LOOK OUT! Here's some jokes.

A study revealed this week that increasingly, recruiters for major corporations are turning to Facebook for their employee search, because they're looking for people who spend all their time on Facebook, apparently. Productivity is overrated.

Sad news today, as the United States House of Representatives announced it is ending the nearly 200-year old Capitol Page Program. No word yet on how this will impact the Rape a Capitol Page Program.

For some reason, Hollywood is making a Dirty Dancing remake. So now a whole new generation can get sick of it. Oh well, at least it will introduce 14 year-olds to the magic of Joe Cocker's soothing voice. He'll still be doing the theme song, right? Oh, screw it.

Shocking media news this week, as many conservatives are angry about the angry-looking, crazy-eyed picture of Michele Bachmann on the cover of Newsweek. They feel that it sets an unhealthy standard of wild-eyed batshit-crazy rage that young girls cannot live up to. And they're right. They've clearly airbrushed the last bit of sanity right out of her smile. It's just not fair.

Following up with the news of rapper Big Boi's arrest this weekend, police revealed that drug dogs actually smelled the drugs on Big Boi, alerting the police. The dogs then had to go lay down, eat some Captain Crunch and listen to Pink Floyd for about an hour.

In response to the government crackdown in Syria this month, the government of Saudi Arabia recalled its Syrian ambassador out of protest. If that isn't the repressive pot calling the kettle tyrannical...

Kanye West said today that he's tired of people looking at him like Hitler. Does that mean he's tired of people looking at him in a manner that he feels Hitler would have looked at him, or that he thinks people think he's Hitler? If it's the latter, he should probably knock it off with all those big late-night rallies with all those torches and costumes and singing and whatnot. If it's the former, well, then it sounds like he's just being paranoid... Just. Like. HITLER!

And lastly, Kate Gosselin, formerly of Jon and Kate Plus 8, announced that she is ready to date again. I'm not sure if that's a warning, or not. Regardless, her uterus also issued a statement: "HELP!"

That's all for me. Keep shining, you all. And we'll see you tomorrow!

Till then, have a great day!

Fridays with Spencer: A Buffet of Jokes!

How ya doing out there, internets? We've got a great post for you today! Chris Kattan is going to do a line of blow and then appear on Jimmy Fallon. So enjoy that. Did I tell you that I had a bit-part in a Chris Kattan movie he shot in Oklahoma? I did. Perhaps one day I will be as talented as Chris Kattan.

Sketchers' plans to slowly pull back the advertising for their Shape-up style shoe. They decided that to the demographic they are selling to, putting on shoes IS exercise.

In President Obama's address to the nation, he quoted Ronald Reagan. Republicans threw a fit because he used their God's name in vain.

Since Beohner and Obama can't get along, I suggest we give a try to the people that have to get panda's to mate.

In other financial talk, the NFL and the NFL Players Union agreed on a plan that includes a continuation of revenue sharing. The most popular form of Socialism in America at the moment.

For the record, I think Michele Bachmann would be a terrible president. But her husband would be a very elegant first lady.

Speaking of Michele Bachmann, she admitted that she gets terrible migraines. But that is just a trick to make America think she has a brain.

Comic-Con wrapped up last week in San Diego. Which means if you see lots of white people in masks, they are comic book nerds. If you see black people in masks, run.

In a recent Gallop poll, 42% of responders said they would vote for Michele Bachmann. Which means America is not having enough abortions.

U.S. Soccer said Thursday it has fired men's national team coach Bob Bradley. They will also soon be firing all the players and replacing everyone with the U.S. Soccer Women's team. Jog Bras for everyone!

That's it for me. Thank you for reading.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 29, 2011

Alright, team. Stay focused. We're doing great. By the way, have you voted yet for your favorite contestant on The Voice? I really hope that Cee-Lo's mohawk wins it all. Anyway, let's have some intentional jokes now...

Speaking of creepy musicians, Michael Jackson's Thriller jacket sold for $1.8 million. So, a rich weirdo bought a dead guy's clothes? I think Michael would be happy with that. Oh, and also, the jacket will be sent on tour to raise money for children's charities. There's probably a joke about still touching children's lives from beyond the grave, but I'm not about to make it.

On the Internet, MasterCard's website went down today, but representatives from the company were quick to point out that it wasn't due to hacking. Nope, this was just good old fashioned incompetence. Feel better?

A study published last month found that crows could recognize human faces and held grudges against humans for years, even going so far as to warn other crows about dangerous people. Pretty smart, huh? Too bad they couldn't divert some of that brain power to controlling when and where they shit.

Speaking of angry birds, Barnes and Noble just partnered with Rovio, makers of the "Angry Birds" game, to make special content available to gamers who visit Barnes and Noble stores. Because there's nothing that gamers love more than going places.

In international news, this week Iran showed off a new top-secret line of ballistic missiles and secret missile silos. Apparently the Farsi word for "secrecy" means something different than the English version.

Back to the Internet now, and news that Twitter co-founder Biz Stone is stepping away from day-to-day operations of the micro-blogging website. But he's not retired yet. No, he's already busy sending out hundreds of 140-character resumes. #ProbablyDoingJustFine

Back to the Internet for drugs now, with word coming from New York that the man behind the new narcotics called "bath salts" was finally arrested. Now that he's off the streets, there's gonna be a sad bunch of fiends hanging out at Bed Bath and Beyond. Maybe they could just start drinking booze, like real Americans.

And lastly, in political news, rock star Tom Petty sent a cease-and-desist order to Congresswoman Michele Bachmann's campaign demanding that she stop using his song "American Girl" in her videos and public events. He said she's welcome to some of his other songs:

• "Fooled Again"
• "No Second Thoughts"
• "You Can Still Change Your Mind"
• "A Wasted Life"
• "The Damage You've Done"
• "All The Wrong Reasons"
• "Makin' Some Noise"
• "Zero from Outer Space"
• "Asshole"
• "Won't Last Long"
• "No More"
• "Money Become King"
• "When a Kid Goes Bad"
• "Yer So Bad"
• and of course, "Don't Come Around Here No More"

That's all for today! Come back tomorrow, unless you're too busy running down a dream.

Have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 28, 2011

Is it just me, or does something smell like Tuesday in here?

Coinciding with last night's episode of ABC's The Bachelorette, fans unveiled a new drinking game. Every time the Bachelorette says "Bentley" or "closure," you do a shot. Did I mention the point of the game is to get acute alcohol poisoning? Didn't get that joke? That's okay, it just means you're a single guy.

Speaking of bad television, former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was found guilty on 17 out of 20 charges against him this week, meaning he will likely do some serious jail time. Look for him to feature on NBC's new Convict Apprentice.

Speaking of bad television, an amateur videographer captured shot of a shark leaping over a surfer recently. So, apparently sharks are capable of irony. In a related story: a surfer just shit his pants on video.

Speaking of bad television, FOX News host Chris Wallace came under fire this week for asking Congresswoman Michele Bachmann if she was a "flake." He apologized and said he meant to ask her if she was "a fake, because no one can be that sincerely stupid. Come on, this a put on, right? Like professional wrestling? Please, dear God, someone tell me she's not for real."

Speaking of bad television, the aforementioned Congresswoman Michele Bachmann kicked off her Presidential campaign in Waterloo, Iowa, by identifying herself with the spirit of former Waterloo resident and serial killer John Wayne Gacey. Look it up. I can't possibly explain it here. When asked if she meant to reference John Wayne, the celebrated film star who lived elsewhere in Iowa, Rep. Bachman said "as always, I stand by my words, no matter how insane and ill-informed they may be. I'm not going to flip-flop on that now."

Speaking of bad television, the Los Angeles Dodgers entered into bankruptcy protection yesterday. However, manager Don Mattingly said that the financial troubles won't affect the team at all, going on to pledge "to continue to suck for the rest of the season just as hard, if not harder, than we have so far."

In international news, the International Criminal Court issued an arrest warrant for Colonel Gaddhafi of Libya. So now he's got that headache to deal with, AND he just lost all his best footballers! Sometimes it seems almost like it's not worth it being a dictator at all. At least he's not a Dodger's fan.

And lastly, speaking of bad television, CBS announced that Survivor host Jeff Probst will be hosting his own daytime talkshow starting in 2012. After years of watching people eat cockroaches and betray each other, seems like Probst is uniquely suited for this job.

That's it! Let's keep that energy up till tomorrow! Oh, and Anita Bryant can suck it!

Have a great day!

Earnest's Weekend Monologue - March 13, 2011

Today's jokes are brought to you by NPR, who wants to remind you that even with all their bosses having been fired and Congress threatening to take away their funding, they are still accepting your donations and tips on job openings.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is going to be representing himself in court. Hes accused of paying for sex with a minor. Of course, he's offended at the accusation; he's never had to pay for sex! And as a business owner, he knows that paying a minor for sex would be a clear violation of Italy's child labor laws. I'm kidding. Italy has no child labor laws. That's actually going to be his defense.

Lindsay Lohan showed up in court this week. She left without a plea bargain but with a gavel, the bailiff's wallet, two watches, and a set of car keys for which she's still trying to find the matching car.

Michele Bachmann made a pretty big mistake this week, telling a crowd in New Hampshire that they were in the state where the shot was heard around the world in Lexington and Concord. Of course, that actually happened in Massachusetts. I think people should give her a break, though. She's already demonstrated a problem with looking off slightly to the right. Apparently that also extends to maps. Of course, the people of New Hampshire were happy just to be recognized for anything, even if by accident. With Bachmann outflanking her in Dumb, Sarah Palin is going to have to turn up the Crazy if she has any hope of standing out during the Republican primaries.

Opening night for Spider Man Turn Off The Dark has been pushed back again-- this time to the middle of June. Despite being in previews, it remains Broadway's highest grossing musical week after week. Amtrak is taking notes. They didn't know people would pay to watch a trainwreck.

There's a Charlie Sheen virus spreading through Facebook and Twitter. A viral outbreak with Charlie Sheen as the source? Come on, you knew it was only a matter of time before that happened.

That's it for now. Come back all week for Seth and Spencer!