September 15, 2015: Good, Clean Fun (Unless You're a Refugee)

Over the weekend, Germany instituted stricter border controls to manage the influx of refugees from Austria. They had to bring out the riot police they normally keep in reserve for crowd control at David Hasslehoff concerts.

Yes, I made a Germans-love-David-Hasslehoff joke in 2015. No refunds.

Officials in Munich were concerned about the vast number of refugees relocated to their city. Violence, overflowing sewers, irritatingly loud ethnic music... the refugees had better leave quickly, or they'll be forced to endure all that and more during Oktoberfest.

Speaking of parties, Playboy just released its list of top US party schools, a vital tool for high school students looking to apply to the nation's best programs for pharmaceutical reps.

Nintendo picked a new president yesterday, Tatsumi Kimishima, who was praised by the board for his vision, energy, and ability to punch bricks so hard with his bare hands that coins fly out. Also, he's got the Triforce, so he can do pretty much whatever he wants now.

Kids are getting drunk off of alcohol-based hand sanitizers, according to poison control centers across the country. Still, they're probably better off than the kids in the 90s who had to drink Zima.

China announced plans to visit the dark side of the Moon, sparking a huge upsurge in applications to the country's space program after it was made known that the Moon currently has no smog. Or they're looking forward being the first humans to ever be in a traffic jam on the Moon. You pick.

The IRS says it will no longer accept checks of $100 million or more. But good news! If you have a tax bill of 100 million dollars or more, you're probably going to just spend that money on lobbyists to create loopholes so you don't have to pay anything at all cough cough Apple cough cough.

And finally, Jaguar announced their first ever official off-road vehicle. I say "official," because as any rock-star or Kelsey Grammer knows, any car can be an off-road vehicle if you drink enough.

And on with the show.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 22, 2012

Some more jokes, perhaps? Yes, my pretties. Have your fill.

NASA’s Mars rover Curiosity has been busy beaming back images from Mars. It’s sent back photos of rocks, mountains, the sky, and what it’s been eating for dinner, because apparently someone installed Instagram. It’s got a Mars filter.

At an Ohio county fair this week, an alligator bit a trainer during a live show. The name of that show: Mr. Inevitable’s Amazing Roundup of Incredibly Likely Things.

Unificationist Church leader Rev. Sun Myung Moon has been hospitalized for pneumonia. While bedridden, the charismatic pastor still managed to oversee the group wedding of his entire medical team.

In New York, a man accused of faking his own death to collect on his life insurance has pleaded “Not Guilty” and “Not Alive.”

A study of college tuition costs found that the cost of a college degree has increased 1120% over the last 30 years. Sadly, most college students can’t do that math. One good bit of news from the study: the price of PBR and ping pong has stayed the same.

The Olympic flag arrived in Rio de Janiero, and it's already been kidnapped for ransom.

A Washington, D.C. police captain was demoted recently for acting as an escort for Charlie Sheen. No, not that kind of escort, but he still got screwed anyway.

And finally, three members of the Russian punk collective Pussy Riot, sentenced recently to prison for protesting Vladimir Putin, are going to the centerpiece of an art exhibition and fundraiser in New York City. Well, I've been making fun of Putin for years! Where's my fundraiser? Just to refresh your memory, here's my favorite, from June of 2011:

"In Russia, Human rights activist Yelena Bonner died at the age of 88 after a long illness. A heartbroken Vladimir Putin issued a statement expressing his regret that he never got around to killing her while she was alive."

You can use the PayPal button at your leisure, Amnesty International. Thanks!

Thursday Morning Monologue - February 16, 2012

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat's happenin'? It's Thursday already. Seems like just yesterday it was Wednesday. Oh, we were so innocent then. Not so innocent: these jokes.

Enjoy them!

In North Carolina, a food inspector at a local school confiscated a preschooler's homemade lunch. Although in his defense, the kid did tell him it was chicken-fried boogers.

Advisors for President Obama say his upcoming speeches on the economy will highlight what he calls "insourcing" by employers. I think that means he'll be talking about Jeremy Lin.

Speaking of Lin, the new basketball phenom said he's enjoyed playing for the New York Knicks, but looks forward to someday playing for an NBA team.

A so-called boy genius just published a memoir about his time spent in college as an eight year old. Some genius. He goes to college 13 years before he can drink.

Sony music apologized yesterday for hiking the price of Whitney Houston albums following the star's death. A spokesman for the company said "we meant no disrespect to Ms. Houston or her fans. We're just trying to exploit both as much as we possibly can for financial gain."

West Hollywood musician Craig Phillips was honored by the American Guild of Organists this week. I've been assured that this isn't an innuendo.

Myspace touted a gain of one million new users last month, in a clear indication that Myspace is now retro. Please feel free to enjoy it with all the irony you can muster.

And finally, the lineup for this year's Bonnaroo music festival was released this week, in case you need something to talk about with the a-holes at Starbucks.

That's it! Have a great Thursday! And if you haven't already, and you're in the Oklahoma City area, come see me, BradChad Porter and Marc Maron at the City Arts Center this Saturday night! It's gonna be super rad.

Till then, have a great day!