Happy Thursday to all you Gregorian calendar-aficionados! Let's see what's funny.
Lindsay Lohan is going back to host Saturday Night Live for the fourth time this Saturday, because nothing goes better with new-found sobriety than a week at SNL. Sorry to be a downer.
And sad news out of the music world, as we will have to stage another Grammy Awards ceremony for Davey Jones.
In clothing news, the Navajo Nation is suing Urban Outfitters for misappropriating their tribal identity for a use in a clothing line. No word yet if similar legal action is forthcoming from the Grand Duchy of Douche.
A man seized at the Cairo airport turned out to not, I repeat NOT, be al Qaeda leader Saif al-Adel. However, the man is now questioning the wisdom of a career as a Saif al-Adel impersonator.
This week, Yahoo! reported that Reese Witherspoon had a serious talk with her children about recognizing and preventing domestic violence. She then apparently had a serious talk with them about issuing press releases to Yahoo! to let the world know about every damn thing you do.
Fifteen Academy Awards were auctioned off for $3million this week. See, they're not worthless after all.
In Methuen, Massachusetts, school officials apologized this week for a mis-print in the school cafeteria which advertised "KKK Chicken Tenders." They quickly fixed the error and apologized to the community. However, they were oddly silent about the "Holocaust Never Happened Milkshake."
And, finally, scientists have succeeded in artificially growing human brain cells from families with a history of mental illness in order to study their abnormalities. There, kids. That's how you write a SyFy movie. Now we just need to add a shark...
Okay, that's it! Keep watching the skies!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 29, 2012
Happy Leap Day! What are you going to do with your extra 24 hours? Perhaps read some jokes? I've had a cold for the last two days, so I'm assuming that at least some of my extra hours will involve hacking and coughing things up. Speaking of...
The director of the recent Wrath of the Titans remake promises the sequel will be "vast and epic." Nowhere, however, did he use the words "good" or "watchable."
Singer Celine Dion canceled more of her Las Vegas shows on the orders of her personal doctor. So, there is someone out there who is sicker of her music than I am. Kudos, Doctor.
A group of Harvard alumni are seeking honorary degrees for gay students who were expelled over the last 100 years. Great, now there are even more Harvard grads to compete with.
NASCAR driver Brad Kaselowski gained 130,000 followers when he live-tweeted during the race on Monday. Next week he has to do shots.
The Dow Jones closed above 13,000 for the first time since May, 2008! That's great news, right? Wait what the hell does that mean? Did Wall Street just make a bunch of money and the rest of us got jack squat? Oh, man, I hate it when that happens.
Royal-in-law Pippa Middleton is set to raise money for charity by skiing in the 56-mile Swedish X-C race. She's expected to come in first, followed almost immediately by the rest of the pack.
Because they'll be looking at her ass.
In other ass news, Kid Rock performed at a Mitt Romney event last night, cementing Romney's position in the campaign as the old dude slightly more hip than the guy in the sweater vest. And as always, any proceeds will go to help Kid Rock pay rent.
And finally, reports are surfacing that famed physicist Stephen Hawking has frequented a California sex club in the past. Looks like he really is an expert in the Big Bang after all.
That's all. Enjoy the rest of this magical day! See you tomorrow!
The director of the recent Wrath of the Titans remake promises the sequel will be "vast and epic." Nowhere, however, did he use the words "good" or "watchable."
Singer Celine Dion canceled more of her Las Vegas shows on the orders of her personal doctor. So, there is someone out there who is sicker of her music than I am. Kudos, Doctor.
A group of Harvard alumni are seeking honorary degrees for gay students who were expelled over the last 100 years. Great, now there are even more Harvard grads to compete with.
NASCAR driver Brad Kaselowski gained 130,000 followers when he live-tweeted during the race on Monday. Next week he has to do shots.
The Dow Jones closed above 13,000 for the first time since May, 2008! That's great news, right? Wait what the hell does that mean? Did Wall Street just make a bunch of money and the rest of us got jack squat? Oh, man, I hate it when that happens.
Royal-in-law Pippa Middleton is set to raise money for charity by skiing in the 56-mile Swedish X-C race. She's expected to come in first, followed almost immediately by the rest of the pack.
Because they'll be looking at her ass.
In other ass news, Kid Rock performed at a Mitt Romney event last night, cementing Romney's position in the campaign as the old dude slightly more hip than the guy in the sweater vest. And as always, any proceeds will go to help Kid Rock pay rent.
And finally, reports are surfacing that famed physicist Stephen Hawking has frequented a California sex club in the past. Looks like he really is an expert in the Big Bang after all.
That's all. Enjoy the rest of this magical day! See you tomorrow!
Monday, February 27, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 28, 2012
Take that, Tuesday! And by "that" I mean "this." And by "this" I mean "these jokes." Enjoy!
An onboard fire has crippled another Costa Cruises ship, leaving passengers and crew stranded in the Indian Ocean. And no one on board is complaining. In a related story, Capt. Francesco Schettino immediately jumped into a boat upon hearing the news.
In Warren, Texas, a 12 year-old boy was detained at school for waving a loaded gun at a classmate during lunch. Although, since this is Texas, he may have just been pointing at the kid's Salisbury steak. Kids love that stuff.
In the UK, investigations into The Sun newspaper revealed a huge culture of illegal bribes and other payoffs. So, remind me again why American newspapers can't turn a profit?
Mary Jo Buttafuoco got remarried in Las Vegas. We wish her the best of luck. No joke here. The world needs another Buttafuoco joke like it needs a... never mind.
The Detroit Symphony paired up with Kid Rock for a fundraiser event. Proceeds will be used to help Kid Rock with his rent.
Intelligence firm Stratfor condemned WikiLeaks yesterday for releasing 5 million of the company's emails. Representatives called it a deplorable, unfortunate and illegal breach of privacy "that no one made any money off of."
The Sex Pistols signed with Universal, because, ultimately, nothing is more punk than a bunch of old geezers who still don't know anything about music taking a bunch of money from a faceless corporation trying to profit off of an ancient trend it still doesn't understand.
Punk's not dead, but it may be wearing a diaper.
And finally, Senegal's leader Abdoulaye Wade was booed as he cast his ballot in the country's presidential election, but that's probably because he was wearing a Patriot's jersey.
That's it! Hope you're having a great week! See you tomorrow!
An onboard fire has crippled another Costa Cruises ship, leaving passengers and crew stranded in the Indian Ocean. And no one on board is complaining. In a related story, Capt. Francesco Schettino immediately jumped into a boat upon hearing the news.
In Warren, Texas, a 12 year-old boy was detained at school for waving a loaded gun at a classmate during lunch. Although, since this is Texas, he may have just been pointing at the kid's Salisbury steak. Kids love that stuff.
In the UK, investigations into The Sun newspaper revealed a huge culture of illegal bribes and other payoffs. So, remind me again why American newspapers can't turn a profit?
Mary Jo Buttafuoco got remarried in Las Vegas. We wish her the best of luck. No joke here. The world needs another Buttafuoco joke like it needs a... never mind.
The Detroit Symphony paired up with Kid Rock for a fundraiser event. Proceeds will be used to help Kid Rock with his rent.
Intelligence firm Stratfor condemned WikiLeaks yesterday for releasing 5 million of the company's emails. Representatives called it a deplorable, unfortunate and illegal breach of privacy "that no one made any money off of."
The Sex Pistols signed with Universal, because, ultimately, nothing is more punk than a bunch of old geezers who still don't know anything about music taking a bunch of money from a faceless corporation trying to profit off of an ancient trend it still doesn't understand.
Punk's not dead, but it may be wearing a diaper.
And finally, Senegal's leader Abdoulaye Wade was booed as he cast his ballot in the country's presidential election, but that's probably because he was wearing a Patriot's jersey.
That's it! Hope you're having a great week! See you tomorrow!
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - February 27, 2012
Did anyone else watch the Oscars on Twitter last night? I wonder if anything else happened. Oh, wait, this stuff happened. And I wrote some jokes about it.
At a recent rally, Mitt Romney confused "conservatism" with "conservationism" and pledged to protect America's natural resources from harmful exploitation. I'm just kidding. He'd never do that.
The film Hugo picked up the first two Oscars last night, which led to some brief drama when it was explained to Hugo Chavez that he would not be able to make an acceptance speech. He then said that Billy Crystal smelled like brimstone.
Wikileaks has already leaked next year's winners.
At the technical awards ceremony, The Help took home the award for Outstanding Achievement in Craft Services. For the poop pie.
Filmmaker and actor Sacha Baron Cohen was allowed to wear his "Dictator" costume on the red carpet after pledging that he would not actually be entertaining (thus setting an unrealistic expectation for the rest of the evening).
Across town, Adam Sandler set a Razzie record with 11 nominations, the most for a single person in one year. Upon hearing the dis-honor, Mr. Sandler burst into tears and blew his nose on a stack of $1000 bills.
Even further away from the Oscars, Lucy Lawless was arrested for taking part in a Greenpeace protest against arctic drilling. First joke: think she's taking her name too seriously. Second joke: that sound you hear is a million Xena fans taking to the Internet to write Xena-in-prison erotic lesbian fanfiction. Please don't Google that.
And finally, women on Facebook are un-friending people at a much higher rate than men, says the scientist you stood up for a date last week.
That's all. Sorry for all the Oscar-bashing, but I watched last year's and I still hold a grudge. Happier times tomorrow!
At a recent rally, Mitt Romney confused "conservatism" with "conservationism" and pledged to protect America's natural resources from harmful exploitation. I'm just kidding. He'd never do that.
The film Hugo picked up the first two Oscars last night, which led to some brief drama when it was explained to Hugo Chavez that he would not be able to make an acceptance speech. He then said that Billy Crystal smelled like brimstone.
Wikileaks has already leaked next year's winners.
At the technical awards ceremony, The Help took home the award for Outstanding Achievement in Craft Services. For the poop pie.
Filmmaker and actor Sacha Baron Cohen was allowed to wear his "Dictator" costume on the red carpet after pledging that he would not actually be entertaining (thus setting an unrealistic expectation for the rest of the evening).
Across town, Adam Sandler set a Razzie record with 11 nominations, the most for a single person in one year. Upon hearing the dis-honor, Mr. Sandler burst into tears and blew his nose on a stack of $1000 bills.
Even further away from the Oscars, Lucy Lawless was arrested for taking part in a Greenpeace protest against arctic drilling. First joke: think she's taking her name too seriously. Second joke: that sound you hear is a million Xena fans taking to the Internet to write Xena-in-prison erotic lesbian fanfiction. Please don't Google that.
And finally, women on Facebook are un-friending people at a much higher rate than men, says the scientist you stood up for a date last week.
That's all. Sorry for all the Oscar-bashing, but I watched last year's and I still hold a grudge. Happier times tomorrow!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - February 23, 2012
Bring it on, friends. Let's have some laughs, eh?
Dominique Strauss-Kahn was held for two days by French police in connection with a prostitution ring. Strauss-Kahn's involvement was suspected due to his incredible creepiness, and the fact that he kept asking police to smell his fingers.
I apologize for that.
In Egypt, the verdict for Hosni Mubarak's trial has been set for June 2nd of this year. Wonder what the verdict will be... Honestly, the finale for America's Top Model is probably more hotly contested than this verdict.
Microsoft is working on making a version of Office for iPad, but they haven't yet figure out how to crash the entire system.
Speaking of the system, human rights activists are protesting Germany for it's practice of castrating sex offenders. Said one spokesman for Germany, "we gave the world Nazis and Grimm's fairy tales. A little castration is pretty much as mild as we get."
Megaupload founder Kim Dotcom is out on bail, however he can't use the Internet or his helicopters. Honestly, what's the point of freedom?
The new Sony handheld game system debuted this week. Early reports indicate the Vita has a slower load time than its competitors, making it take just that much longer for your personal information to be stolen.
In Virginia, Governor Bob McDonnell is backing away from a controversial law requiring penetrative vaginal probing for any woman seeking an abortion. Instead, she'll just have to wait until last call.
And finally, speaking of women, a study recently found that women with migraines more likely to be depressed. Also, women with broken legs are more likely to move slowly. Thanks, Science.
That's all for now!
Dominique Strauss-Kahn was held for two days by French police in connection with a prostitution ring. Strauss-Kahn's involvement was suspected due to his incredible creepiness, and the fact that he kept asking police to smell his fingers.
I apologize for that.
In Egypt, the verdict for Hosni Mubarak's trial has been set for June 2nd of this year. Wonder what the verdict will be... Honestly, the finale for America's Top Model is probably more hotly contested than this verdict.
Microsoft is working on making a version of Office for iPad, but they haven't yet figure out how to crash the entire system.
Speaking of the system, human rights activists are protesting Germany for it's practice of castrating sex offenders. Said one spokesman for Germany, "we gave the world Nazis and Grimm's fairy tales. A little castration is pretty much as mild as we get."
Megaupload founder Kim Dotcom is out on bail, however he can't use the Internet or his helicopters. Honestly, what's the point of freedom?
The new Sony handheld game system debuted this week. Early reports indicate the Vita has a slower load time than its competitors, making it take just that much longer for your personal information to be stolen.
In Virginia, Governor Bob McDonnell is backing away from a controversial law requiring penetrative vaginal probing for any woman seeking an abortion. Instead, she'll just have to wait until last call.
And finally, speaking of women, a study recently found that women with migraines more likely to be depressed. Also, women with broken legs are more likely to move slowly. Thanks, Science.
That's all for now!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 22, 2012
Happy Wednesday! It's LENT! HIP-HIP-HOORAY FOR PENANCE! I hope you have a great Lent! What's the traditional Lent candy? Bits of Ash? Sounds great. Okay, joke it up.
Retail megalith Wal-Mart reported stronger profits than expected from the holiday season. Now if only they could convince us all to start buying presents for Lentsmas...
In other religious news, NATO apologized for inadvertently burning a bunch of copies of the Koran at a military base in Afghanistan. Wasn't that a plotline from Three's Company? In a related story, dozens of zombie corpses were neatly stacked on shelves in the base's library.
A group of marine biologists said this week that dolphins deserve human rights, derailing a planned undersea Foxconn factory.
Hilarious dictator Robert Mugabe denied recent reports that he has cancer, then joked that he's been resurrected more times than Jesus. He then went on to say he was bigger than The Beatles. But seriously, any reports that he has cancer are just wishful thinking. He's an asshole.
Speaking of assholes, Chris Brown just collaborated with Rihanna on a remix of one of his songs, "Turn Up The Music," although the full title of the remix is "Turn Up The Music (So The Neighbors Don't Hear You Screaming While I Beat You)." Catchy tune.
Congressman Joe Walsh came under fire this week for saying that the debate on birth control is not about women. He then also said that that "Hotel California" was totally about a woman.
Mormons baptized Anne Frank this weekend as an attempt to make the religion less weird and off-putting to strangers. Because people love Anne Frank, right?
And finally, reports are coming in that nuclear non-proliferation talks with Iran are failing. It may be time to bring in George W. Bush to begin parallel nucular negotiations.
And that's all. Later!
Retail megalith Wal-Mart reported stronger profits than expected from the holiday season. Now if only they could convince us all to start buying presents for Lentsmas...
In other religious news, NATO apologized for inadvertently burning a bunch of copies of the Koran at a military base in Afghanistan. Wasn't that a plotline from Three's Company? In a related story, dozens of zombie corpses were neatly stacked on shelves in the base's library.
A group of marine biologists said this week that dolphins deserve human rights, derailing a planned undersea Foxconn factory.
Hilarious dictator Robert Mugabe denied recent reports that he has cancer, then joked that he's been resurrected more times than Jesus. He then went on to say he was bigger than The Beatles. But seriously, any reports that he has cancer are just wishful thinking. He's an asshole.
Speaking of assholes, Chris Brown just collaborated with Rihanna on a remix of one of his songs, "Turn Up The Music," although the full title of the remix is "Turn Up The Music (So The Neighbors Don't Hear You Screaming While I Beat You)." Catchy tune.
Congressman Joe Walsh came under fire this week for saying that the debate on birth control is not about women. He then also said that that "Hotel California" was totally about a woman.
Mormons baptized Anne Frank this weekend as an attempt to make the religion less weird and off-putting to strangers. Because people love Anne Frank, right?
And finally, reports are coming in that nuclear non-proliferation talks with Iran are failing. It may be time to bring in George W. Bush to begin parallel nucular negotiations.
And that's all. Later!
Monday, February 20, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 21, 2012
Welcome back, friends. Did anyone else party too hard for Presidents' Day? And by "party," I do mean "Whig," if you know what I mean. And if you do, please tell me. I didn't actually get that.
Speaking of political parties and not getting it, Rick Santorum has been spreading himself pretty thin in Michigan, but polls show he's connecting with voters on a personal level. Romney, on the other hand, is doing really well with the automated car-building robots in Detroit. But you know robots are too lazy to vote.
In New York, Monaco's Prince Pierre Casiraghi was briefly hospitalized after a bar fight, when he was defeated by the Black Knight.
Astronaut and American hero Neil Armstrong gave a speech honoring John Glenn this weekend. Said Armstrong, "while it's not as cool as being the first man on the moon, it's still quite an accomplishment being the first man to orbit the Earth. What's that? Oh, he wasn't? It was some Russian guy? Oh, this is awkward." He then cut the tension by punching a waiter who said the moon landing was staged.
Disgraced former Senator John Ensign is back in Nevada, working as a veterinarian at a clinic he founded years ago. And in my mind, the clinic specializes exclusively in proctology for large, violent jungle cats. With incontinence.
In the Italian town of Ivrea, residents gathered this week for a massive orange fight before Lent. So take that, Rio. Looks like you've got some party competition this year.
In Washington, D.C., a community college is selling kits with all you need for Occupy-style protests. It's got everything but bail money.
Scientists discovered that soldier ants actually remember the scent of their enemies, sort of like Axe body spray.
And finallly, in Romania, the supreme court legally recognized Paul Hohenzollern as the legitimate heir to the Romanian throne, ending a 21 year legal battle and beginning a new battle with the Black Knight. Best of luck, Paul!
That's all. See you tomorrow!
Speaking of political parties and not getting it, Rick Santorum has been spreading himself pretty thin in Michigan, but polls show he's connecting with voters on a personal level. Romney, on the other hand, is doing really well with the automated car-building robots in Detroit. But you know robots are too lazy to vote.
In New York, Monaco's Prince Pierre Casiraghi was briefly hospitalized after a bar fight, when he was defeated by the Black Knight.
Astronaut and American hero Neil Armstrong gave a speech honoring John Glenn this weekend. Said Armstrong, "while it's not as cool as being the first man on the moon, it's still quite an accomplishment being the first man to orbit the Earth. What's that? Oh, he wasn't? It was some Russian guy? Oh, this is awkward." He then cut the tension by punching a waiter who said the moon landing was staged.
Disgraced former Senator John Ensign is back in Nevada, working as a veterinarian at a clinic he founded years ago. And in my mind, the clinic specializes exclusively in proctology for large, violent jungle cats. With incontinence.
In the Italian town of Ivrea, residents gathered this week for a massive orange fight before Lent. So take that, Rio. Looks like you've got some party competition this year.
In Washington, D.C., a community college is selling kits with all you need for Occupy-style protests. It's got everything but bail money.
Scientists discovered that soldier ants actually remember the scent of their enemies, sort of like Axe body spray.
And finallly, in Romania, the supreme court legally recognized Paul Hohenzollern as the legitimate heir to the Romanian throne, ending a 21 year legal battle and beginning a new battle with the Black Knight. Best of luck, Paul!
That's all. See you tomorrow!
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - February 16, 2012
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat's happenin'? It's Thursday already. Seems like just yesterday it was Wednesday. Oh, we were so innocent then. Not so innocent: these jokes.
Enjoy them!
In North Carolina, a food inspector at a local school confiscated a preschooler's homemade lunch. Although in his defense, the kid did tell him it was chicken-fried boogers.
Advisors for President Obama say his upcoming speeches on the economy will highlight what he calls "insourcing" by employers. I think that means he'll be talking about Jeremy Lin.
Speaking of Lin, the new basketball phenom said he's enjoyed playing for the New York Knicks, but looks forward to someday playing for an NBA team.
A so-called boy genius just published a memoir about his time spent in college as an eight year old. Some genius. He goes to college 13 years before he can drink.
Sony music apologized yesterday for hiking the price of Whitney Houston albums following the star's death. A spokesman for the company said "we meant no disrespect to Ms. Houston or her fans. We're just trying to exploit both as much as we possibly can for financial gain."
West Hollywood musician Craig Phillips was honored by the American Guild of Organists this week. I've been assured that this isn't an innuendo.
Myspace touted a gain of one million new users last month, in a clear indication that Myspace is now retro. Please feel free to enjoy it with all the irony you can muster.
And finally, the lineup for this year's Bonnaroo music festival was released this week, in case you need something to talk about with the a-holes at Starbucks.
That's it! Have a great Thursday! And if you haven't already, and you're in the Oklahoma City area, come see me, BradChad Porter and Marc Maron at the City Arts Center this Saturday night! It's gonna be super rad.
Till then, have a great day!
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 15, 2012
And so begins another Wednesday. Did you have an awesome Valentine's Day? Well if you did, keep it to yourself. Nobody likes to hear about that crap.
Now, for some other crap:
A dozen people formed an anti-Romney protest outside the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show in New York. Romney later said "what a bunch of bitches," but it's not clear what he... 'cause "bitch" also means "female dog." Oh, whatever.
In more animal news, a California animal welfare group is targeting feral cats for sterilization to control their numbers. No word yet if a similar group is targeting feral douchebags.
Topless ladies in Russia came out to protest against Gazprom and Vladimir Putin yesterday. The group, FEMEN, will be featured in the upcoming Girls Gone Political DVD series.
Go ahead and Google them. I can wait.
Musician and roaster Kenny Rogers is suing Capitol Records over unauthorized use of his music and the mullet haircut.
Musician and activist Shakira was attacked by a sea lion while taking its picture this weekend. In a related story, Sean Penn has been training sea lions.
Teenage model Kate Upton landed on the cover of this year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, breaking with their long tradition of ugly hags.
Go ahead and Google it. I can wait.
A group of Mormons revealed that they baptized the extremely Jewish parents of Nazi-hunter Simon Wiesenthal (even though they were dead). If that's not strange enough, they also went ahead and registered for Christening gifts on Amazon.com.
And finally, in Washington State, protesters from the Occupy movement interrupted a Rick Santorum event, causing the candidate to say they represented "true intolerance." He then demanded a royalty payment for their unauthorized use of intolerance.
That's the end of Wednesday. ALL HAIL WEDNESDAY! Come back tomorrow for more hailing.
Now, for some other crap:
A dozen people formed an anti-Romney protest outside the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show in New York. Romney later said "what a bunch of bitches," but it's not clear what he... 'cause "bitch" also means "female dog." Oh, whatever.
In more animal news, a California animal welfare group is targeting feral cats for sterilization to control their numbers. No word yet if a similar group is targeting feral douchebags.
Topless ladies in Russia came out to protest against Gazprom and Vladimir Putin yesterday. The group, FEMEN, will be featured in the upcoming Girls Gone Political DVD series.
Go ahead and Google them. I can wait.
Musician and roaster Kenny Rogers is suing Capitol Records over unauthorized use of his music and the mullet haircut.
Musician and activist Shakira was attacked by a sea lion while taking its picture this weekend. In a related story, Sean Penn has been training sea lions.
Teenage model Kate Upton landed on the cover of this year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, breaking with their long tradition of ugly hags.
Go ahead and Google it. I can wait.
A group of Mormons revealed that they baptized the extremely Jewish parents of Nazi-hunter Simon Wiesenthal (even though they were dead). If that's not strange enough, they also went ahead and registered for Christening gifts on Amazon.com.
And finally, in Washington State, protesters from the Occupy movement interrupted a Rick Santorum event, causing the candidate to say they represented "true intolerance." He then demanded a royalty payment for their unauthorized use of intolerance.
That's the end of Wednesday. ALL HAIL WEDNESDAY! Come back tomorrow for more hailing.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 14, 2012
Happy Valentine's Day, my friends! You know what's funny about love? I don't. But I know what's funny about the news and stuff.
Spot-checking U.S. voter registration forms found that one in eight forms are filled out incorrectly, which is a bigger portion of the electorate than the Libertarian Party. Not a joke here, just stickin’ it to Libertarians.
Spot-checking U.S. voter registration forms found that one in eight forms are filled out incorrectly, which is a bigger portion of the electorate than the Libertarian Party. Not a joke here, just stickin’ it to Libertarians.
Politico reports that 1.8 million dead people are
registered to vote in the United States, which would explain why Strom Thurmond
continues to get votes. That, and racism.
In New York, the M.T.A. chief voiced opposition to a ban
on eating in subways, saying “if people want to eat in a homeless person’s
bathroom, that’s their God-given right!”
An Indian newlywed walked out on her husband this week
because he does not have a toilet, and she’s refusing to come back until he
builds one. Also, even though he didn't have a toilet, he still managed to
leave the lid up. Am I right, ladies? Oh, there was no lid? On account of the
poverty? Oh.
In happier news, writer and activist Eve Ensler is trying
to mobilize one billion dancers against violence today. And, unlike the
Grammys, Chris Brown was not invited.
Also in New York, a professor has created an algorithm that
he thinks will be able to reunite the “Missed Connections” people post on
Craigslist. It will not, however, be able to track the resulting STD outbreaks.
Disgraced Penn State coach and accused child molester Jerry
Sandusky was granted the right to see his grandchildren this week. Quick tip,
Jerry: See with your eyes, not with your hands.
And finally, Madonna called MIA’s bird-flipping stunt
during the Super Bowl halftime show "teenage and irrelevant." I’m
sure Madonna objected over the “teenage” part.
And that’s it! Enjoy your Valentine’s Day or relish your
bitter rejection of Valentine’s Day! See you tomorrow!
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - February 13, 2012
Crap. The Grammy's were on last night, and once again, like every year, I totally forgot to give a shit. I'm sure someone will tell me who won, and I'm fairly sure that, once again this week, it wasn't Tom Brady.
Okay, jokes.
Venezuela's opposition party picked their first ever challenger to oppose Hugo Chavez in the presidential election. His name is, strangely enough, Hugo Chavez. Democracy in action.
Website Reddit banned sexually suggestive images of children from its forums, including any and all photos from American Apparel.
A children's story by famed author James Joyce is being published for the first time in Dublin. Now, generations of children won't have to wait until high school to find out what an insufferably awful writer he was.
Producer and impressively large man Suge Knight was arrested in Las Vegas for marijuana possession. Said Knight, "really? That's all? Not the other thing? Okay, cool."
Karl Lagerfeld tried to clarify his recent comment about singer Adele being "too fat." He said the comments were "taken out of context" and made much more sense "in context." That context being that he's a hateful old asshole.
A "violent" Madonna stalker escaped from a mental institution last week. I hope he doesn't see her halftime show. Or Whitney.
Rick Santorum said this weekend that he knows he won't alienate women voters because of his conservative stance on social issues. He did, however, acknowledge that they'd likely be put off by his sweater vests, serial killer smile and the fact that he's just generally a douchebag.
And finally, the Greek government announced a new plan to bridge their current budget crisis by charging retroactive license fees to the rest of the world for using democracy, gyros and yogurt. Mainly the last two. Also, Venezuela is exempt.
That's all! Till tomorrow!
Okay, jokes.
Venezuela's opposition party picked their first ever challenger to oppose Hugo Chavez in the presidential election. His name is, strangely enough, Hugo Chavez. Democracy in action.
Website Reddit banned sexually suggestive images of children from its forums, including any and all photos from American Apparel.
A children's story by famed author James Joyce is being published for the first time in Dublin. Now, generations of children won't have to wait until high school to find out what an insufferably awful writer he was.
Producer and impressively large man Suge Knight was arrested in Las Vegas for marijuana possession. Said Knight, "really? That's all? Not the other thing? Okay, cool."
Karl Lagerfeld tried to clarify his recent comment about singer Adele being "too fat." He said the comments were "taken out of context" and made much more sense "in context." That context being that he's a hateful old asshole.
A "violent" Madonna stalker escaped from a mental institution last week. I hope he doesn't see her halftime show. Or Whitney.
Rick Santorum said this weekend that he knows he won't alienate women voters because of his conservative stance on social issues. He did, however, acknowledge that they'd likely be put off by his sweater vests, serial killer smile and the fact that he's just generally a douchebag.
And finally, the Greek government announced a new plan to bridge their current budget crisis by charging retroactive license fees to the rest of the world for using democracy, gyros and yogurt. Mainly the last two. Also, Venezuela is exempt.
That's all! Till tomorrow!
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - February 9, 2012
It's been a long day. Let's make this quick and hilarious.
In Pennsylvania, a college campus is selling the morning after pill in vending machines. Unless the vending machine is Catholic.
On Sunday, over two million people streamed the Super Bowl live on the Internet. In Chat Roulette terms, that's over an hour's worth of penises.
Speaking of penises, Kris Humphries said this week that his marriage to Kim Kardashian was fake, to which Kim responded "Fake? Fake my ass!"
There's a new eating trend. And I'm going to tell you about it, then make fun of it. Okay. Buddhists are promoting "mindful eating" as a way to curb binge eating and help maintain a healthy weight. You know, like Buddha did.
In Indonesia, a commercial airline pilot tested positive for crystal meth. His company became suspicious after he took apart an entire 747.
Also in Indonesian, the national train company plans to discourage stowaways by hitting them with a noxious, disgusting goop. Or, as Southwest calls it: an in-flight snack. BOOM! TIMELY!
Internet firms in India have agreed to remove objectionable content from the Web, and to block objectionable foreign content. So, goodbye, Indian readers! You were make believe, but you were still awesome.
And finally, Rick Santorum won three primary elections this week. However, no delegates were awarded, which makes me think that this is just an elaborate episode of Punk'd.
End. More later! Have a great day!
In Pennsylvania, a college campus is selling the morning after pill in vending machines. Unless the vending machine is Catholic.
On Sunday, over two million people streamed the Super Bowl live on the Internet. In Chat Roulette terms, that's over an hour's worth of penises.
Speaking of penises, Kris Humphries said this week that his marriage to Kim Kardashian was fake, to which Kim responded "Fake? Fake my ass!"
There's a new eating trend. And I'm going to tell you about it, then make fun of it. Okay. Buddhists are promoting "mindful eating" as a way to curb binge eating and help maintain a healthy weight. You know, like Buddha did.
In Indonesia, a commercial airline pilot tested positive for crystal meth. His company became suspicious after he took apart an entire 747.
Also in Indonesian, the national train company plans to discourage stowaways by hitting them with a noxious, disgusting goop. Or, as Southwest calls it: an in-flight snack. BOOM! TIMELY!
Internet firms in India have agreed to remove objectionable content from the Web, and to block objectionable foreign content. So, goodbye, Indian readers! You were make believe, but you were still awesome.
And finally, Rick Santorum won three primary elections this week. However, no delegates were awarded, which makes me think that this is just an elaborate episode of Punk'd.
End. More later! Have a great day!
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 8, 2012
Today is a very special edition of the Late Night Morning.
It's come to our attention that a woman in California, when sued for illegally downloading and sharing a pornographic film, countersued the producers arguing that porn cannot be protected by copyright because it doesn't "promote the Progress of Science and useful Arts," as laid out in the U.S. Constitution. While it remains for the courts to decide just how useful poledancing is, we've got a few suggestions for how to make pornography more artistically valid: by combining it with Shakespeare. Sex up the Bard, and everyone knows it's artistic. Also, this stuff is public domain! Go crazy! Titles and sample dialog follow.
MacButt
(AKA The Scottish Porn)
It's come to our attention that a woman in California, when sued for illegally downloading and sharing a pornographic film, countersued the producers arguing that porn cannot be protected by copyright because it doesn't "promote the Progress of Science and useful Arts," as laid out in the U.S. Constitution. While it remains for the courts to decide just how useful poledancing is, we've got a few suggestions for how to make pornography more artistically valid: by combining it with Shakespeare. Sex up the Bard, and everyone knows it's artistic. Also, this stuff is public domain! Go crazy! Titles and sample dialog follow.
MacButt
(AKA The Scottish Porn)
"Is this a wiener I see before me? Come, let me clutch thee."
The Merchant of Penis
"In sooth, I know not why I am so horny."
King Leer
"Meantime we shall express our sexier purpose"
Much Ado About Humping
"I see, lady, the gentleman is not in your pants... yet."
Humplet
"To bone, or not to bone"
Othell-Hoe
"It is the one-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on"
Taming of the Screw
"I'll not bulge an inch. More like 12."
The Two Gentlemen of Verona and the Babysitter
"Come not within the measure of my boner"
The Merry Wives of Windsor and the Babysitter
"Why, then the world's mine bearded clam"
A Midsummer Night's Sex Dream
"I am that merry humper of the night"
Love's Labours Lost (In my Pants)
"Let me take you a butthole lower"
As You Like It (In my Pants)
"I can suck melancholy out of a schlong as a weasel sucks eggs"
All's Well That Ends Well (In my Pants)
"My friends were poor, but sexy"
The Winter's Piece of Tail
"You pay a great deal too dear for what's given freely on the street corner"
Coriol-Anus
"Faith, there have been many great men that have flatter'd the people, who ne'er boned them"
Tight Ass Andronicus
"She is a woman, therefore may be sexed-up"
Julius She-sar
"I come not to bury She-sar, but to bang him"
You're welcome, pr0n. Tomorrow, back to our regularly scheduled program.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 7, 2012
Roll it! We've got some ground to cover. No time for chit chat. None at all. Jokes...
The U.K. is celebrating the 60 years Queen Elizabeth II has spent on the throne. Longest potty-training ever.
Country musician Randy Travis was arrested for public intoxication outside a Texas church this weekend. Fortunately, he can write it off as a business expense.
Scientists from America and Russia are racing to be the first to drill into a newly-discovered Antarctic lake that has been hidden for 20 million years. The first team to find new forms of life gets to name them, and then eat them. Those are the rules of science.
Also, apparently they've never read At the Mountains of Madness.
Cyclist Alberto Contador was stripped of his Tour de France title for doping this week. It's a huge disappointment to his fans, who must now give back all the money they made betting on him. Those are the rules of gambling.
Speaking of gambling, Newt Gingrich edged out Ron Paul for second place in the Nevada primary, but unfortunately still did not cover the spread.
However, Gingrich did receive an endorsement from Chuck Norris yesterday. When asked if this was a purely political decision, Norris replied "this time, it's personal." Then a bunch of ninjas came in and Norris had to fight them off before they were able to talk about climate change.
Google recently hired a top executive away from Apple to work on a "secret project." Sources at Google confirm that it is, in fact, just a really big surprise birthday party.
And finally, 37 million people watched the season premier of The Voice on Sunday, or in other words: 14 times as many people as have voted in the GOP primary race so far. Maybe they could up that number with a crossover...
Congratulations, Whitney, you're no longer the worst thing I've seen on television.
Okay, that's it! See you next time!
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - February 6, 2012
Did anyone else lose big last night? I promise, this is the last year I bet on the Puppy Bowl. Let's see what else is happening.
At the Super Bowl last night, Tom Brady single-handedly defeated the New England Patriots. At least I think that's what happened.
During the half time show, singer M.I.A. got in some hot water for "flipping the bird" to the camera. But what really caused her trouble: on her fingernail, someone painted a picture of Janet Jackson's boob.
Philadelphia is celebrating the 200th birthday of author Charles Dickens, which may explain the city's new tourism slogan: "What happens in Philadelphia, stays in Philadelphia. Because it's so boring, no one wants to hear about it."
In the UK, doctors are warning of health risks for those who have "a little too much drink," including increased incidents of diabetes, heart disease, and having sex with ugly people.
NBC's hit program, The Voice, debuted last night, along with a new drinking game for the show. Pretty sure Paula Abdul was playing a similar game on X-Factor.
A group of mushroom pickers in Oregon were located this weekend after being lost for six days. Apparently they got distracted by a really shiny leaf.
Facebook is under fire for banning pictures of women breastfeeding from their site. And if you ask me, Facebook is really being a tit about this.
And finally, in an unrelated story, the Susan G. Komen foundation reversed its position to withhold funding to Planned Parenthood. Many observers were surprised by the flip-flopping on the issue, and the foundation itself was left without strong support. They got squeezed.
Boobies.
Okay, that's it. What a great way to celebrate our 300th post. That's it! See you tomorrow!
At the Super Bowl last night, Tom Brady single-handedly defeated the New England Patriots. At least I think that's what happened.
During the half time show, singer M.I.A. got in some hot water for "flipping the bird" to the camera. But what really caused her trouble: on her fingernail, someone painted a picture of Janet Jackson's boob.
Philadelphia is celebrating the 200th birthday of author Charles Dickens, which may explain the city's new tourism slogan: "What happens in Philadelphia, stays in Philadelphia. Because it's so boring, no one wants to hear about it."
In the UK, doctors are warning of health risks for those who have "a little too much drink," including increased incidents of diabetes, heart disease, and having sex with ugly people.
NBC's hit program, The Voice, debuted last night, along with a new drinking game for the show. Pretty sure Paula Abdul was playing a similar game on X-Factor.
A group of mushroom pickers in Oregon were located this weekend after being lost for six days. Apparently they got distracted by a really shiny leaf.
Facebook is under fire for banning pictures of women breastfeeding from their site. And if you ask me, Facebook is really being a tit about this.
And finally, in an unrelated story, the Susan G. Komen foundation reversed its position to withhold funding to Planned Parenthood. Many observers were surprised by the flip-flopping on the issue, and the foundation itself was left without strong support. They got squeezed.
Boobies.
Okay, that's it. What a great way to celebrate our 300th post. That's it! See you tomorrow!
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - February 2, 2012
Yesterday I stayed home sick from work, and made the mistake of falling asleep while watching a two-hour documentary on Fatty Arbuckle. I had some weird dreams, and now I get nervous any time someone offers me a soda. Thankfully that doesn't happen often. Okay, now for some made up stuff mixed in with true stuff for comedic effect.
The newest issue of Psychological Science published a study linking low I.Q. to racism, prejudice and conservatism. No word yet if there's also a correlation to the enjoyment of Whitney.
Lisa Marie Presley said yesterday that she wants to make a better Elvis film than those that have previously been made. Also, she wants to pay her rent.
In earth news, geologists are trying to use recent volcanic eruptions to predict if and when a "super volcano" may erupt. Or, they could just watch SyFy on any Saturday afternoon.
French presidential candidate Francois Hollande was flour-bombed while on the campaign trail. Mimes are suspected.
Because of their white faces.
The New Jersey city of Hoboken officially denied filming permits to a new Jersey Shore spinoff. Mayor Zimmer was praised for taking this stand to defend the local douchebag industry.
Comic publisher DC is releasing a series of prequels to the seminal Watchmen series this summer. Writer Grant Morrison is demanding they include Batman.
Because he friggin' loves Batman.
In television news, Heather Locklear is set to join the cast of Downtown Abbey. Things are about to get sexy.
And finally, Mitt Romney said yesterday that he's "not focused on the poor," probably because they don't have any money. Thanks for the honesty, Mitt.
And that's it for me! I'll see you on Monday! Till then, have a Coke and a Smile!
The newest issue of Psychological Science published a study linking low I.Q. to racism, prejudice and conservatism. No word yet if there's also a correlation to the enjoyment of Whitney.
Lisa Marie Presley said yesterday that she wants to make a better Elvis film than those that have previously been made. Also, she wants to pay her rent.
In earth news, geologists are trying to use recent volcanic eruptions to predict if and when a "super volcano" may erupt. Or, they could just watch SyFy on any Saturday afternoon.
French presidential candidate Francois Hollande was flour-bombed while on the campaign trail. Mimes are suspected.
Because of their white faces.
The New Jersey city of Hoboken officially denied filming permits to a new Jersey Shore spinoff. Mayor Zimmer was praised for taking this stand to defend the local douchebag industry.
Comic publisher DC is releasing a series of prequels to the seminal Watchmen series this summer. Writer Grant Morrison is demanding they include Batman.
Because he friggin' loves Batman.
In television news, Heather Locklear is set to join the cast of Downtown Abbey. Things are about to get sexy.
And finally, Mitt Romney said yesterday that he's "not focused on the poor," probably because they don't have any money. Thanks for the honesty, Mitt.
And that's it for me! I'll see you on Monday! Till then, have a Coke and a Smile!
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