Hope you're enjoying your Memorial Day, if you're in America. And if you're not in America, then these jokes might not make sense to you.
Ben Affleck received an honorary degree from Brown University recently, so now those things are as worthless as an Oscar.
Two Russians got forcibly removed from a Spirit Air flight for speaking Russian this weekend. So now you know how to get off a Spirit Air flight.
Secretary of State John Kerry announced a $4billion investment in the West Bank. This is a departure for the administration, since they usually only prefer to invest in banks that helped destroy the global economy.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford denied that there was any video in existence of him smoking crack. But that's just because he sold the tapes for crack. Or he prefers to work in film. Pick your own punchline.
This weekend, the Pope urged Italy's mafia to stop exploiting others for profit. Particularly human trafficking. The Vatican was oddly silent on the practice of collecting "protection money," however. Seems they didn't want to start talking about demanding a share of the profits from people and businesses while offering nothing tangible in return but making vague promises about future punishment for non-payment.
President Obama visited Moore, Oklahoma, to survey damage from last week's tornadoes. President Obama urged Americans to "step up" the donation of money, goods, and volunteer services to help out those people devastated by the storm. Mainly because he knows that Sen. Coburn is going to filibuster any government aid.
Former Senator Bob Dole said this weekend that Reagan and Nixon could no longer get voted into office by today's Republican Party, highlighting the new party's deep-seated distrust of candidates who have been dead for years.
Last night Jupiter, Venus, and Mercury aligned into a triangle in the sky, and it was so hot.
A scientific paper published recently revealed that cockroaches learn to avoid sugar in order to stay out of deadly traps. Guess that means that cockroaches are smarter than fat kids.
Reality television star "Snooki" said that New Jersey Governor Christie "doesn't like" her. Alright, we get it. Chris Christie is just like the rest of us.
And finally, film director and convicted rapist Roman Polanski said in a recent interview that birth control pills have "masculinized" women. They have gotten so manly that he can barely bring himself to rape them anymore. In a related story, Roman Polanski started talking about women and no one had the presence of mind to say "shhhhhh."
That's it!
Showing posts with label spirit air. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spirit air. Show all posts
Monday, May 27, 2013
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 13, 2011
Fifty percent and counting. Today's a big day. Let's make some funny.
In Texas, a woman had a 16 pound baby recently. She credits the amazing size of her child to prenatal vitamins, plenty of sleep, and all the Human Growth Hormones she could score st the gym. That would explain why the baby has bacne.
In other big family news, the stars of Sister Wives are challenging Utah's anti-bigamy laws, which forced them to leave the state. It's not a choice I would make, and I don't entirely approve of it, but as long as they're not hurting anyone, I say go ahead and let 'em live in Utah.
In other legal news, Foxy Brown is going back to court after violating a restraining order by mooning her neighbor. But come on, how can you really hope to restrain Foxy Brown's ass?
In international news, Secretary of State Clinton said that Syrian President Assad is no longer legitimate. She clarified her earlier statement of "Assad is a bastard."
In San Francisco, a man went on trial for stealing a Picasso painting from a local gallery. His lawyer acknowledged that it looked bad for his client, but only from one perspective.
This week, the crew of a Jet Blue flight found a stun gun lodged in one of the seats. A representative from Spirit Air said "hey, that was our idea! Wait, was it set to go off sporadically, shocking people in the ass until they gave it all their money? No? Oh, then never mind."
In Australia, police put a stop to a series of unannounced free concerts by Lady Gaga. The cops probably overreacted when they heard some lady was out on the street giving it away for free.
And lastly, the new social networking site Google+ now has over 10 million members, and half of them want you to win a free iPad! Yahoo! I mean, Google! I need an invite...
Okay, that's it for today! Hope your day is amazing and beautiful!
In Texas, a woman had a 16 pound baby recently. She credits the amazing size of her child to prenatal vitamins, plenty of sleep, and all the Human Growth Hormones she could score st the gym. That would explain why the baby has bacne.
In other big family news, the stars of Sister Wives are challenging Utah's anti-bigamy laws, which forced them to leave the state. It's not a choice I would make, and I don't entirely approve of it, but as long as they're not hurting anyone, I say go ahead and let 'em live in Utah.
In other legal news, Foxy Brown is going back to court after violating a restraining order by mooning her neighbor. But come on, how can you really hope to restrain Foxy Brown's ass?
In international news, Secretary of State Clinton said that Syrian President Assad is no longer legitimate. She clarified her earlier statement of "Assad is a bastard."
In San Francisco, a man went on trial for stealing a Picasso painting from a local gallery. His lawyer acknowledged that it looked bad for his client, but only from one perspective.
This week, the crew of a Jet Blue flight found a stun gun lodged in one of the seats. A representative from Spirit Air said "hey, that was our idea! Wait, was it set to go off sporadically, shocking people in the ass until they gave it all their money? No? Oh, then never mind."
In Australia, police put a stop to a series of unannounced free concerts by Lady Gaga. The cops probably overreacted when they heard some lady was out on the street giving it away for free.
And lastly, the new social networking site Google+ now has over 10 million members, and half of them want you to win a free iPad! Yahoo! I mean, Google! I need an invite...
Okay, that's it for today! Hope your day is amazing and beautiful!
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