Friday Morning Monologue - June 7, 2013

Don't look now! Vladimir Putin just announced he's getting a divorce. So, watch out, ladies! No, seriously, watch out for Vladimir Putin.

In New York, the courts lifted a ban on phone apps used to hail cabs after the courts were assured that they would not be made available to black people.

Speaking of phones, people are up in arms about the NSA secretly eavesdropping on American phone calls. But if you think people are angry over this now, wait till you hear what they're saying about it in private.

Furthermore, Facebook denied giving the government direct access to their servers to spy on users and gather information. According to Facebook, they only do that for advertisers.

Apple also denied giving the government direct access to their servers, but that's because the government refused to purchase Apple's proprietary data cable to make the connection.

AT&T boasted that they have increased the number of Internet-connected devices on their network by over 500,000 this quarter. Even better, they've connected over 1 million to the NSA.

Broadcaster Glenn Beck said he regrets that he may have said things on his programs that alienated some Americans, even if those Americans are stupid Communists who hate America.

A pilot program in England is training returning war veterans to work as teachers. It's part of a new push to increase reenlistment rates.

At Sotheby's on Wednesday, a Persian rug went at auction for a record-setting $33.8 million. And somewhere soon, a tiny dog is going to have the most decadent bowel movement in recorded history.

And finally, disgraced writer Jonah Lehrer, dismissed from The New Yorker for plagiarism, has a new book coming out about the power of love. So now he's ripping off Huey Lewis and The News.

Have a great weekend!

Thursday Morning Monologue - September 13, 2012

Happy time big joke fun funny!

NBC defended its decision to cut away from the 9/11 anniversary ceremony to air an interview with Kris Jenner, saying that they were still sticking with the theme of tragedy.

The Dish Network announced it will air Glenn Beck's new network, so now viewers will be able to watch Mad Men again.

Climatologists warn that arctic ice melts could mean more extreme winters in the future. In response, Mountain Dew is working on a hot chocolate beverage. EXTREME!!!!!!

Following violence in Africa over an anti-Islamic video, YouTube has restricted access to the footage. However, you can still watch videos from Nickleback.

For shame, YouTube.

Archaeologists in England think they may have located the long-lost remains of King Richard III. The Sun has already run a photo of the ancient corpse's penis.

Atlanta police cleared officers of racial profiling charges after they stopped Tyler Perry for questioning. The officers apologized and said they didn't recognize him without a dress.

The hosts of the "popular" daytime talkshow The Talk decided to do an episode without any makeup. It's a good thing they're so charming.

And finally, Russia is set to build the world's biggest icebreaker ship. Once completed, it's scheduled to visit college freshman dorm orientation programs all over the world.

Oof. See you tomorrow!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 12, 2011

Welcome to your Tuesday, my friends. Did you eat your peas yet? If you didn't, it probably means you want America to default on its debts. Boo to that. Booooooo. But yay for jokes!

After recent storms in Chicago, over 800,000 people were left without power. So they had to cook their sausages and listen to the Cubs lose in the dark, like animals. I assume that's what happens in Chicago. Everyone sits around eating sausage and watching the Cubs. Right?

In other sausage news, I mean sporting news, Russian cyclist and consanant-enthusiast Alexandr Kolobnev failed a drug screening while racing in the Tour de France. A visibly angered Kolobnev said "I knew that damn Armstrong pissed in my water bottle!" But no one understood him on account of his silly accent.

Back in America, many Sprint users were unable to send or receive text messages yesterday, making it that much harder for politicians to end their careers.

In news of the Internet, superfine actress Mila Kunis will be attending a formal dance with Marine Corps Sergeant Scott Moore after seeing a YouTube video posted by Sgt. Moore where he asked Ms. Kunis to go to the dance as his date. Settle down, sweaty Internet nerds. It only works if you're in the Marine Corps, and HALO doesn't count.

Do you guys watch Pawn Stars? You do? I'm actually surprised. Well, then you might enjoy this joke. Recently, one of the stars of the show, Corey "Big Hoss" Harrison lost 115lbs. The secret? It turns out his fat is a collectible. They just sucked it right out and sold it for a mint!

That was gross. Sorry about that.

Speaking of mint, the world's newest country, South Sudan, unveiled its new currency this week, the South Sudan Pound. In a related story, Glenn Beck is already pitching for a South Sudanese cash for gold company.

In Kendal, England, an owl flew into a woman's window, leaving the perfect image of the creature on the glass. Local birdwatchers suspect the owl probably got drunk at the Harry Potter premier party and flew off. That's why it's always important to stick with your wingman.

And finally, 22 people were arrested in Turkey this week in connection to a Football (soccer) match-fixing scam. The police became suspicious after some bizarrely high scoring matches. Seriously, 3 - nil? You expect anyone to believe that actually happens in soccer?

Three sports jokes, and only one involved steroids! How about that?

Anyway, that's all you get for now. But there's more later! Tomorrow, in fact! Come see us then.

And have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - April 7, 2011

Hey, is it Thursday already? It is? Well, heck, it's a good thing I've got some jokes for you.

In Italy yesterday, Silvio Berlusconi's sex trial opened and immediately adjourned. Several of the witnesses felt a strange sense of deja vu. Because Silvio is bad at sex.

In Washington State, a statue honoring the late musician Kurt Cobain was unveiled this week. Courtney Love promised she would do her best to ruin it.

Billionaire CEO and adventurer caricature Richard Branson launched a new enterprise called Virgin Ocean to explore the depths of the earth's seas. He also pledged that his next endeavor will be Virgin Time Machine. And he's working on a special formula to turn himself invisible.

Turning to the television, FOX is ending Glenn Beck's daily program, leaving a serious hole in the lives of people who want to be paranoid without being well-informed. FOX is searching for a suitable replacement, but in the meantime the hour will be filled by a goat braying at the camera for a full hour.

Chinese artist Ai Weiwei is under investigation for "economic crimes," leading to the inescapable conclusion that China doesn't understand the art world at all.

The Federal Aviation Administration revealed that another air traffic controller fell asleep on the job. The news is leading many to question the wisdom of giving our air traffic controllers so many turkey sandwiches. Oh, and also making them work insane shifts. Yeah, maybe a salad and a sleep break would be in order.

Finally this week, the Queen of Sweden was injured in New York while avoiding paparazzi. Well, that's just great. Looks like we're going to war with Sweden, too.

That's all for me this week, I do hope you've had as much fun as I did! Please keep coming back for more jokes from Spencer and Earnest, and let your friends know how awesome this blog is with the magical social media buttons below. Have a great day, and we'll see you again tomorrow!

Oh, and congratulations to Spencer! Way to marry up, sir.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 15, 2011

Okay, so here are some jokes.

On Jeopardy this week, one of the players is a supercomputer built by IBM with the express purpose of dominating human Jeopardy players. If the company wants to humiliate nerds further, the next version will require a pantsing feature.

In celebrity news, police responded to a break-in at the house of Ellen Degeneres and Portia De Rossi. They found a disoriented young woman in the home, but it turned out to not be Lindsay Lohan.

The Grammys aired on CBS on Sunday, bringing in the audience highest for the show in the last 11 years. However, that number is still a fraction of the number of people downloading illegal copies of "Born This Way" on Sunday night.

Before the Grammys, a local CBS reporter covering the red carpet became briefly disoriented and spoke incoherently on the air. She has since been accused of plagiarism by Glenn Beck.

During the show, Christina Aguilera fell onstage, which was just seven days after she botched the National Anthem at the Super Bowl, which means that someone is totally getting their money's worth out of that gypsy curse.

A medical study revealed that energy drinks are bad for small children. A parallel study of Youtube videos found those same children to be hilarious when given Red Bull.

In sports news, Tiger Woods was fined in Dubai for spitting during a tournament this weekend. Thankfully he apologized quickly, or else his public image could have been seriously damaged. Oh, and he was also spitting on a hooker. I mentioned that, right?

Elsewhere in the Arab world, the Egyptian military has declared martial law, much to the dismay of pro-democracy protesters. When pressed for comment, a spokesman said "we're the military. Martial is the only law we have."

At the CPAC rally this weekend, Rep. Ron Paul won a Presidential straw poll, making him the Esperanza Spalding to Mitt Romney's Justin Bieber. What's that? You didn't get that one? Maybe that's because nobody cares about the Grammys.

Lastly, laughing gas is coming back into use for women giving birth, so we'll soon have lots of stories that begin with "remember when I laughed so hard a person shot out of my vagina?" Thank you, science.

That's it! See you tomorrow!