Happy belated Mothers' Day! And also, happy belated Mother's Day! Whichever spelling you prefer. Now, enjoy these jokes!
Yahoo! CEO Scott Thompson is stepping down after only four months on the job, making his transition the fasted that Yahoo! has ever been able to update anything.
"Hey, it's national Bike To Work Week!" says the sweaty guy in your office.
This weekend, Mitt Romney gave the commencement speech at Pat Robertson's Liberty University in his latest effort win the votes of bigots. Go get 'em, Mitt!
Romney also came under fire last week for alleged bullying he did of a gay student in high school. Romney countered that it's not reasonable to judge him for what he did as a child, unless of course he had been a young black male.
The Oklahoma Republican Party convention descended into violence this week as Ron Paul supporters clashed with Romney's. It got so bad that eventually both sides had to call the police to break it up, which was awkward considering that both sides wanted to cut public employees' salaries.
A janitor at Columbia University just graduated from the university with a bachelor's degree in classics. He's decided to keep his job, though, which makes him the most successful classics graduate in recent memory.
In technology news, Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin renounced his American citizenship so as to avoid U.S. taxes on the impending Facebook IPO because he's a piece of shit.
And finally, Japan powered down all of its nuclear power plants this month after the Fukushima disaster. Consequently, the government is expecting an increase in power shortages but a sharp decrease in Kaiju-related monster rampages. It's all about trade-offs.
That's all! Come by tomorrow for more biased jokes about stuff that's happening now. Bye!
Showing posts with label bullying. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bullying. Show all posts
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - March 22, 2012
It's Thursday! Some stuff happened, and continues to happen. Let's make fun of it.
Many film fans were confused this week by the DVD packing for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, which is made to look like a burned disc. I'm thinking if you can't figure out the DVD packaging, you're probably going to have a hard time following the movie. Maybe try Twilight?
In Zimbabwe, six activists narrowly avoided jail time for inciting violence by talking about the Arab Spring. They were, unfortunately, convicted on separate charges of talking about Fight Club.
Huh, already have two David Fincher jokes. I wonder if I can make it to Se7en. Nope. Just three.
In Alaska, a broken toilet stranded a United Airlines flight for two days. Or, as United calls it, "a short layover."
Children in the UK will soon be able to play at Angry Birds activity parks popping up all over the country, because even children have data worth mining.
Users of the new iPad complain that the machine can heat up to 116 degrees, making it the most expensive heating pad you are ever likely to buy. Also, it's the year's hottest new blah blah blah stupid joke.
PayPal Here, a new service that allows people and stores to read credit cards with smart phones, has already signed up thousands of users. The main selling point is that you can put real human interaction back into identity theft.
Former actor Kirk Cameron went on "Fox and Friends" to defend his reputation yesterday against charges of homophobia and bullying. And let's be clear, he's not a bully. He's just a guy who doesn't understand the Bible.
And finally, in other religious news, one of Mexico's most brutal drug cartel pledged to hold off on any violence during Pope Benedict XVI's visit. Not sure if that's because they're afraid of him or not. But whatever the reason, can we get the Pope to move to Mexico?
Alright, that's it. More to come, whenever it does. Till then, have a great day!
Many film fans were confused this week by the DVD packing for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, which is made to look like a burned disc. I'm thinking if you can't figure out the DVD packaging, you're probably going to have a hard time following the movie. Maybe try Twilight?
In Zimbabwe, six activists narrowly avoided jail time for inciting violence by talking about the Arab Spring. They were, unfortunately, convicted on separate charges of talking about Fight Club.
Huh, already have two David Fincher jokes. I wonder if I can make it to Se7en. Nope. Just three.
In Alaska, a broken toilet stranded a United Airlines flight for two days. Or, as United calls it, "a short layover."
Children in the UK will soon be able to play at Angry Birds activity parks popping up all over the country, because even children have data worth mining.
Users of the new iPad complain that the machine can heat up to 116 degrees, making it the most expensive heating pad you are ever likely to buy. Also, it's the year's hottest new blah blah blah stupid joke.
PayPal Here, a new service that allows people and stores to read credit cards with smart phones, has already signed up thousands of users. The main selling point is that you can put real human interaction back into identity theft.
Former actor Kirk Cameron went on "Fox and Friends" to defend his reputation yesterday against charges of homophobia and bullying. And let's be clear, he's not a bully. He's just a guy who doesn't understand the Bible.
And finally, in other religious news, one of Mexico's most brutal drug cartel pledged to hold off on any violence during Pope Benedict XVI's visit. Not sure if that's because they're afraid of him or not. But whatever the reason, can we get the Pope to move to Mexico?
Alright, that's it. More to come, whenever it does. Till then, have a great day!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 22, 2011
Happy Wednesday! Every day gets shorter from here on out! Yay, summer! Okay, that's really tiring. Whatever. It's hot. Here's some jokes.
Rapper and actor 50 Cent is writing an anti-bullying book for teens. It's called Quit Picking on that Kid, or I'll Beat You Up.
Prolific musical satirist Weird Al Yankovic released a parody of Lady Gaga this week, which is strange considering that Lady Gaga is now a parody of Lady Gaga.
In aviation news, Virgin Atlantic pilots announced they will go on strike. Air traffic controllers hailed the move, saying "does that mean we get another 15 minutes of sleep?" Ha ha ha, no, it doesn't.
Popular musician Britney Spears kicked off her summer tour this week, and one lucky man from the audience was treated to a lap dance on stage during one of the songs. On the downside though, the dance cost him $20 plus a $10 Ticketmaster surcharge.
Former Oasis bandleader Noel Gallagher is not inviting his brother Liam to his upcoming wedding. It makes sense, though, considering how much trouble it is just having one of those assholes at your wedding. No reason to punish yourself with both.
A young Emperor penguin turned up in New Zealand recently after swimming way, way off course. Veterinarians made sure the animal was in good health, and Peter Jackson immediately added him to the cast of The Hobbit.
Ryan Murphy, the creator of Glee, revealed this week that the characters on his show will age normally and graduate from high school on schedule. So, in that sense, the show is unlike real high schools.
Lastly, in Oregon, a small town dumped 8 million gallons of drinking water from a reservoir after a young man was caught peeing in it. At least he wasn't throwing in a burger from Jack in the Box. BOOM! CALLBACK!
That's all for now! See you again tomorrow!
Eat some fruit and have a great day!
Rapper and actor 50 Cent is writing an anti-bullying book for teens. It's called Quit Picking on that Kid, or I'll Beat You Up.
Prolific musical satirist Weird Al Yankovic released a parody of Lady Gaga this week, which is strange considering that Lady Gaga is now a parody of Lady Gaga.
In aviation news, Virgin Atlantic pilots announced they will go on strike. Air traffic controllers hailed the move, saying "does that mean we get another 15 minutes of sleep?" Ha ha ha, no, it doesn't.
Popular musician Britney Spears kicked off her summer tour this week, and one lucky man from the audience was treated to a lap dance on stage during one of the songs. On the downside though, the dance cost him $20 plus a $10 Ticketmaster surcharge.
Former Oasis bandleader Noel Gallagher is not inviting his brother Liam to his upcoming wedding. It makes sense, though, considering how much trouble it is just having one of those assholes at your wedding. No reason to punish yourself with both.
A young Emperor penguin turned up in New Zealand recently after swimming way, way off course. Veterinarians made sure the animal was in good health, and Peter Jackson immediately added him to the cast of The Hobbit.
Ryan Murphy, the creator of Glee, revealed this week that the characters on his show will age normally and graduate from high school on schedule. So, in that sense, the show is unlike real high schools.
Lastly, in Oregon, a small town dumped 8 million gallons of drinking water from a reservoir after a young man was caught peeing in it. At least he wasn't throwing in a burger from Jack in the Box. BOOM! CALLBACK!
That's all for now! See you again tomorrow!
Eat some fruit and have a great day!
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