What is this, Monday? Oh, the Hell with that.
Okay, jokes now.
This week, an Italian diesel tanker was seized by pirates in the open sea off the coast of Benin, in west Africa. Just so we're clear, American manufacturing is shrinking, while African sea piracy is expanding. Whatever the IMF is doing, they need to start doing the opposite.
Speaking of money, Speaker Boehner walked out of debt-ceiling discussions with President Obama on Friday and then refused to take his call. Seems like a dick move, Boehner. Yes, that's right, you get jokes about how your name sounds like "boner" until you quit acting like a penis.
In news of talks that stand a chance in Hell, the U.S. State Department invited representatives from North Korea to rejoin anti-proliferation talks. North Korea said they will return to the negotiations on the condition of tacos. They want tacos. Because they have no food! Sad. But tacos sure are good, right?
Someone who won't be enjoying tacos for a while? R&B singer R. Kelly. Mr. Kelly recently had emergency tonsil surgery, and we wish him the best as he recovers. His publicist issued a statement saying that he won't be able to sing during recovery, but he should have no problems peeing on people.
In other romantic news, singer/dancer/Abdul-replacer Jennifer Lopez capped off the end of her marriage by flying to The Ukraine to perform at wedding reception, because apparently there's no word in Ukranian for "irony."
Speaking of international entertainers, Canadian law enforcement authorities have declined to honor American extradition requests for Randy Quaid, saying that "he's just too damn fun!" Seriously, the guy can be pretty entertaining. I can understand why they'd want to keep him. After all, we're keeping Dave Foley, so it seems only fair.
In other entertainment money news, a rare photo of the Beatles' first U.S. concert recently sold for $360,000 at auction. And Ringo still won't sign it.
And finally, Sunday marked the first day that gay marriage became legal in the state of New York. Many church groups vehemently protested this expansion of civil rights, including many predominantly black churches, because apparently there's no word in the Bible for "irony."
That's it. And I mean that sincerely. Let's do this again, what say? How about in roughly 24 hours? So, if you have an entire season of 24 saved on your DVR, with commercials, start watching it now, and when you're done, there should be another one of these things to read.
Till then, have a great day!
Showing posts with label beatles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label beatles. Show all posts
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 6, 2011
Did you all hear about what happened on DWTS? What's that? You don't even know what DWTS is? Well, we're going to get along just fine. How about enjoying these hand-crafted jokes?
Abstinence advocate Bristol Palin earned $262,500 last year working for abstinence-only organizations, making her one of the highest-paid sex workers in the country. Also, her message to kids was: "don't have sex, or your life might get ruined like mine."
Christopher Nolan will be filming the third Batman film in Pittsburgh, as it is the only city dark and hopeless enough provide the proper backdrop. Good work, Chamber of Commerce! Director Nolan has also asked that M. Night Shyamalan leave the state for the duration of filming "just in case."
In Las Vegas, former rocker and bloated spandex-proponent Vince Neil is facing two misdemeanor charges stemming from a fight with an ex-girlfriend. When asked for comment, Mr. Neil said "What do I care about misdemeanors? I once killed a guy! Bring it on!" He then offered to sign anyone's boobs.
In other music news, Liam Gallagher's new band, Beady Eye, released a cover of "Across the Universe" to raise money for a Japanese charity, thus cementing their place as best Beatles cover band in the world
Elsewhere in UK music, singer-songwriter Kate Bush finally got permission to use text from James Joyce's Ulysses in a song. She's planning to record the most boring, pointless song you've ever been forced to listen to in college.
In happier news, boxer Laila Ali gave birth to a daughter last week. She's already 3 - 0 with 1 knockout and she's cute as a button.
Actor and media pundit James Franco recently declared "social media is over,"and it was retweeted by hundreds of people within minutes.
And last, cinemas in the UK are planning to show an orchestral concert filmed entirely in 3D in an attempt to ruin any excitement anyone felt for the technology. Up next: an XBOX Kinect game that let's you fold laundry. There's gotta be a better way to get girls to buy games...
And with that, I bid you adieu for Wednesday. Feel free to share this blog via any of the social media buttons below, even though social media is dead, and come see us again tomorrow! In the meantime, have a great day, everybody!
Abstinence advocate Bristol Palin earned $262,500 last year working for abstinence-only organizations, making her one of the highest-paid sex workers in the country. Also, her message to kids was: "don't have sex, or your life might get ruined like mine."
Christopher Nolan will be filming the third Batman film in Pittsburgh, as it is the only city dark and hopeless enough provide the proper backdrop. Good work, Chamber of Commerce! Director Nolan has also asked that M. Night Shyamalan leave the state for the duration of filming "just in case."
In Las Vegas, former rocker and bloated spandex-proponent Vince Neil is facing two misdemeanor charges stemming from a fight with an ex-girlfriend. When asked for comment, Mr. Neil said "What do I care about misdemeanors? I once killed a guy! Bring it on!" He then offered to sign anyone's boobs.
In other music news, Liam Gallagher's new band, Beady Eye, released a cover of "Across the Universe" to raise money for a Japanese charity, thus cementing their place as best Beatles cover band in the world
Elsewhere in UK music, singer-songwriter Kate Bush finally got permission to use text from James Joyce's Ulysses in a song. She's planning to record the most boring, pointless song you've ever been forced to listen to in college.
In happier news, boxer Laila Ali gave birth to a daughter last week. She's already 3 - 0 with 1 knockout and she's cute as a button.
Actor and media pundit James Franco recently declared "social media is over,"and it was retweeted by hundreds of people within minutes.
And last, cinemas in the UK are planning to show an orchestral concert filmed entirely in 3D in an attempt to ruin any excitement anyone felt for the technology. Up next: an XBOX Kinect game that let's you fold laundry. There's gotta be a better way to get girls to buy games...
And with that, I bid you adieu for Wednesday. Feel free to share this blog via any of the social media buttons below, even though social media is dead, and come see us again tomorrow! In the meantime, have a great day, everybody!
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