Hope you're enjoying your Memorial Day, if you're in America. And if you're not in America, then these jokes might not make sense to you.
Ben Affleck received an honorary degree from Brown University recently, so now those things are as worthless as an Oscar.
Two Russians got forcibly removed from a Spirit Air flight for speaking Russian this weekend. So now you know how to get off a Spirit Air flight.
Secretary of State John Kerry announced a $4billion investment in the West Bank. This is a departure for the administration, since they usually only prefer to invest in banks that helped destroy the global economy.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford denied that there was any video in existence of him smoking crack. But that's just because he sold the tapes for crack. Or he prefers to work in film. Pick your own punchline.
This weekend, the Pope urged Italy's mafia to stop exploiting others for profit. Particularly human trafficking. The Vatican was oddly silent on the practice of collecting "protection money," however. Seems they didn't want to start talking about demanding a share of the profits from people and businesses while offering nothing tangible in return but making vague promises about future punishment for non-payment.
President Obama visited Moore, Oklahoma, to survey damage from last week's tornadoes. President Obama urged Americans to "step up" the donation of money, goods, and volunteer services to help out those people devastated by the storm. Mainly because he knows that Sen. Coburn is going to filibuster any government aid.
Former Senator Bob Dole said this weekend that Reagan and Nixon could no longer get voted into office by today's Republican Party, highlighting the new party's deep-seated distrust of candidates who have been dead for years.
Last night Jupiter, Venus, and Mercury aligned into a triangle in the sky, and it was so hot.
A scientific paper published recently revealed that cockroaches learn to avoid sugar in order to stay out of deadly traps. Guess that means that cockroaches are smarter than fat kids.
Reality television star "Snooki" said that New Jersey Governor Christie "doesn't like" her. Alright, we get it. Chris Christie is just like the rest of us.
And finally, film director and convicted rapist Roman Polanski said in a recent interview that birth control pills have "masculinized" women. They have gotten so manly that he can barely bring himself to rape them anymore. In a related story, Roman Polanski started talking about women and no one had the presence of mind to say "shhhhhh."
That's it!
Showing posts with label pope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pope. Show all posts
Monday, May 27, 2013
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - March 25, 2013
Hey! It's back! Coming to you live from our brand new studio in the Windy City, it's the new and not-at-all-improved Late Night Morning! Here's some jokes.
IBM researchers have found ways to make circuits that mimic the way human brains work. Meaning that the circuits work for fifteen minutes, then spend an hour looking at pictures of their exes on Facebook.
Carlos Slim, the Mexican telecommunications mogul and world’s richest man, just secured the Mexican broadcasting rights for the Olympics in 2014 and 2016. It’s part of his plan to no longer be the world’s richest man.
On the Internet, a kickstarter fundraising drive raised $2 million in one day to fund a film version of the Kristen Bell series Veronica Mars. Now if we could just convince Kristen to star in a show about curing cancer...
Speaking of doing more, the Pope said this week that we need to be doing more to help out the world’s poor. He then excused himself to the Little Pope’s Room, where he took a dump on a solid gold toilet and wiped his ass with platinum paper.
Scientists are on the verge of developing a hypo-allergenic apple. “It’s about time!” said no one ever.
At least 100 people were injured in a multi-car pileup in Edmonton, Alberta. It was a terrible accident that will be forever known as “the time the entire population of Alberta got in a car accident.”
South Korea said this week that it suspects North Korea is behind a series of cyber attacks. They came to this conclusion after they determined the attacks were launched with an Atari 2600 powered by a hamster wheel.
And finally, Poland is launching an ad campaign to preserve the Polish language. But since the ads were in Polish, no one understood them.
And that's it! Totally worth the wait, right?
Monday, December 3, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 4, 2012
The tax-evasion trial began yesterday for fashion design firm Dolce & Gabbana. They're expected to fill next season with some truly gorgeous penalty fees.
J.C. Penney's management decided to add 40,000 mannequins to stores across the country in an effort to trick people into thinking someone is shopping at J.C. Penney.
The Pope just got his own Twitter account: @pontifex. Not to be confused with @pontifsex, the Vatican City's only "adult toy" shop and @expontif, the feed run by the ghost of Pope John Paul II.
Also there's @pontifrex, the Pope's dog.
It's the twentieth anniversary of text messaging! Finnish engineer Matti Makkonen created the technology, and used it to send the first SMS: "Yo girl, you still up?"
A woman in Georgia found a nose ring in her daughter's breakfast burrito at McDonald's. She was upset, as she had specifically asked for a lip ring.
Greece began buying back its bonds this week, sparking protests across the nation as people realized the government was spending so much money to buy something utterly worthless as Greek debt.
A girl at Sea World got bitten by a dolphin this weekend. So now we'll have to worry about Weredolphins. I just hope Stephanie Meyer doesn't hear about this.
And finally, a study found that one in three U.S. consumers would consider a mortgage from Wal-Mart, but would tell their friends they got it at Target.
That's all!
J.C. Penney's management decided to add 40,000 mannequins to stores across the country in an effort to trick people into thinking someone is shopping at J.C. Penney.
The Pope just got his own Twitter account: @pontifex. Not to be confused with @pontifsex, the Vatican City's only "adult toy" shop and @expontif, the feed run by the ghost of Pope John Paul II.
Also there's @pontifrex, the Pope's dog.
It's the twentieth anniversary of text messaging! Finnish engineer Matti Makkonen created the technology, and used it to send the first SMS: "Yo girl, you still up?"
A woman in Georgia found a nose ring in her daughter's breakfast burrito at McDonald's. She was upset, as she had specifically asked for a lip ring.
Greece began buying back its bonds this week, sparking protests across the nation as people realized the government was spending so much money to buy something utterly worthless as Greek debt.
A girl at Sea World got bitten by a dolphin this weekend. So now we'll have to worry about Weredolphins. I just hope Stephanie Meyer doesn't hear about this.
And finally, a study found that one in three U.S. consumers would consider a mortgage from Wal-Mart, but would tell their friends they got it at Target.
That's all!
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - March 22, 2012
It's Thursday! Some stuff happened, and continues to happen. Let's make fun of it.
Many film fans were confused this week by the DVD packing for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, which is made to look like a burned disc. I'm thinking if you can't figure out the DVD packaging, you're probably going to have a hard time following the movie. Maybe try Twilight?
In Zimbabwe, six activists narrowly avoided jail time for inciting violence by talking about the Arab Spring. They were, unfortunately, convicted on separate charges of talking about Fight Club.
Huh, already have two David Fincher jokes. I wonder if I can make it to Se7en. Nope. Just three.
In Alaska, a broken toilet stranded a United Airlines flight for two days. Or, as United calls it, "a short layover."
Children in the UK will soon be able to play at Angry Birds activity parks popping up all over the country, because even children have data worth mining.
Users of the new iPad complain that the machine can heat up to 116 degrees, making it the most expensive heating pad you are ever likely to buy. Also, it's the year's hottest new blah blah blah stupid joke.
PayPal Here, a new service that allows people and stores to read credit cards with smart phones, has already signed up thousands of users. The main selling point is that you can put real human interaction back into identity theft.
Former actor Kirk Cameron went on "Fox and Friends" to defend his reputation yesterday against charges of homophobia and bullying. And let's be clear, he's not a bully. He's just a guy who doesn't understand the Bible.
And finally, in other religious news, one of Mexico's most brutal drug cartel pledged to hold off on any violence during Pope Benedict XVI's visit. Not sure if that's because they're afraid of him or not. But whatever the reason, can we get the Pope to move to Mexico?
Alright, that's it. More to come, whenever it does. Till then, have a great day!
Many film fans were confused this week by the DVD packing for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, which is made to look like a burned disc. I'm thinking if you can't figure out the DVD packaging, you're probably going to have a hard time following the movie. Maybe try Twilight?
In Zimbabwe, six activists narrowly avoided jail time for inciting violence by talking about the Arab Spring. They were, unfortunately, convicted on separate charges of talking about Fight Club.
Huh, already have two David Fincher jokes. I wonder if I can make it to Se7en. Nope. Just three.
In Alaska, a broken toilet stranded a United Airlines flight for two days. Or, as United calls it, "a short layover."
Children in the UK will soon be able to play at Angry Birds activity parks popping up all over the country, because even children have data worth mining.
Users of the new iPad complain that the machine can heat up to 116 degrees, making it the most expensive heating pad you are ever likely to buy. Also, it's the year's hottest new blah blah blah stupid joke.
PayPal Here, a new service that allows people and stores to read credit cards with smart phones, has already signed up thousands of users. The main selling point is that you can put real human interaction back into identity theft.
Former actor Kirk Cameron went on "Fox and Friends" to defend his reputation yesterday against charges of homophobia and bullying. And let's be clear, he's not a bully. He's just a guy who doesn't understand the Bible.
And finally, in other religious news, one of Mexico's most brutal drug cartel pledged to hold off on any violence during Pope Benedict XVI's visit. Not sure if that's because they're afraid of him or not. But whatever the reason, can we get the Pope to move to Mexico?
Alright, that's it. More to come, whenever it does. Till then, have a great day!
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - November 7, 2011
Good morning! How's your coffee? Or whatever beverage you have. That was presumptuous of me. It might be orange juice. Or maybe you can't make up your mind, and just pour your orange juice right into the coffee pot. I've had worse. Seriously, splash a little soy milk in there... and I've said too much. Starbucks has spies everywhere! And we've got jokes right here. Enjoy them with the beverage(s) of your choice.
Last week, shares of the daily deal company Goupon were heavily traded, largely because of the two-for-one deal they sent out on Friday morning.
In more Internet "news," the CIA revealed it has agents tracking up to 5 million suspicious tweets per day. They don't participate in "Follow Fridays," but they're pretty big on "Rendition Mondays."
Singer and Canadian phenom Justin Bieber denied a recent claim that he fathered a child out of wedlock. It's ridiculous, because everyone knows Bieber only does anal.
Speaking of buttholes, author Salman Rushdie tweeted a limerick last week mocking Kim Kardashian's divorce, leading many to wonder when Salman Rushdie started working for Perez Hilton? Come to think of it, have they ever been photographed together? I'm going to go ahead and say it now: Salman Rushdie and Perez Hilton are the same person.
Fact: the Kardashian-Humphries marriage lasted only ten weeks, disappointing friends, family and fans of the young couple. On the other hand, if NBC's Whitney were to end after only ten weeks, no one would be upset. At all.
Singer-songwriter Sinead O'Connor offered some showbiz advice to her daughter in a recent interview. She said, above all, stay true to yourself, believe in your talent, and try not to tear up pictures of the Pope. Apparently that really pisses people off.
In business news, Russian and Chinese companies were found to be the most likely to pay bribes when doing business in other countries, according to a report issued last week by the Vaguely Racist Institute.
And finally, Herman Cain said this weekend that he was putting the drama of last week behind him, and is now 100% back on message. And that message is "come over here and sit on my lap."
How about that? Good enough for a Monday? Damn well better be. Just wait until you see what Tuesday is gonna be like! Till then, have a great day!
Last week, shares of the daily deal company Goupon were heavily traded, largely because of the two-for-one deal they sent out on Friday morning.
In more Internet "news," the CIA revealed it has agents tracking up to 5 million suspicious tweets per day. They don't participate in "Follow Fridays," but they're pretty big on "Rendition Mondays."
Singer and Canadian phenom Justin Bieber denied a recent claim that he fathered a child out of wedlock. It's ridiculous, because everyone knows Bieber only does anal.
Speaking of buttholes, author Salman Rushdie tweeted a limerick last week mocking Kim Kardashian's divorce, leading many to wonder when Salman Rushdie started working for Perez Hilton? Come to think of it, have they ever been photographed together? I'm going to go ahead and say it now: Salman Rushdie and Perez Hilton are the same person.
Fact: the Kardashian-Humphries marriage lasted only ten weeks, disappointing friends, family and fans of the young couple. On the other hand, if NBC's Whitney were to end after only ten weeks, no one would be upset. At all.
Singer-songwriter Sinead O'Connor offered some showbiz advice to her daughter in a recent interview. She said, above all, stay true to yourself, believe in your talent, and try not to tear up pictures of the Pope. Apparently that really pisses people off.
In business news, Russian and Chinese companies were found to be the most likely to pay bribes when doing business in other countries, according to a report issued last week by the Vaguely Racist Institute.
And finally, Herman Cain said this weekend that he was putting the drama of last week behind him, and is now 100% back on message. And that message is "come over here and sit on my lap."
How about that? Good enough for a Monday? Damn well better be. Just wait until you see what Tuesday is gonna be like! Till then, have a great day!
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 19, 2011
Welcome to the mid-week awesome blast! Whoo, I'm tired. Alright.
At the GOP debate last night, Herman Cain blamed America's economic troubles on the unemployed, eliciting cheers of approval from the audience. It's not surprising that they would react like that, though. After all, I'd probably cheer if someone mentioned me on TV.
U.S. lawmakers are trying to ban tobacco products from this year's World Series broadcasts in the hopes that young children won't be encouraged to try tobacco products. Steroids are still cool, though.
Not cool, however, is Susan Sarandon calling Pope Benedict a Nazi. Jewish and Catholic groups are up in arms over this affront, pointing out that it's actually been decades since he was a Nazi. You know who else is upset by this? People who take grammar way too seriously.
Remember that NYPD supervisor who pepper sprayed those ladies at the Occupy Wall Street rally a few weeks ago? He's facing some disciplinary action over the incident, and may be losing 10 vacation days as a result. Seems like a good idea. Let's put this guy back on the street as soon as possible, and also make it harder for him to relax, because he's obviously not stressed out already. Yep, this is going to work out just fine.
In happier news, Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit was freed from Hamas captivity after 5 years of confinement. Welcome home, Gilad. Psst! Nobody tell him how LOST ended!
Scientists are close to a Malaria vaccine, thereby erasing the only cool thing about having Sickle Cell Anemia. Way to go, science.
A new biography of Vincent Van Gogh proposes that the famed painter was accidentally shot to death by rude teenagers, not as a result of suicide. The case will be dramatized in an upcoming episode of CSI: Louvre.
And finally, law enforcement officials report that Mexican drug cartels are recruiting Texas children as young as 11 into the cartels. See, Mexico? It's not so cool when people start taking your jobs.
Okay, that's the end for today. But tomorrow is a new beginning, right?
Right. Till then, have a great day!
At the GOP debate last night, Herman Cain blamed America's economic troubles on the unemployed, eliciting cheers of approval from the audience. It's not surprising that they would react like that, though. After all, I'd probably cheer if someone mentioned me on TV.
U.S. lawmakers are trying to ban tobacco products from this year's World Series broadcasts in the hopes that young children won't be encouraged to try tobacco products. Steroids are still cool, though.
Not cool, however, is Susan Sarandon calling Pope Benedict a Nazi. Jewish and Catholic groups are up in arms over this affront, pointing out that it's actually been decades since he was a Nazi. You know who else is upset by this? People who take grammar way too seriously.
Remember that NYPD supervisor who pepper sprayed those ladies at the Occupy Wall Street rally a few weeks ago? He's facing some disciplinary action over the incident, and may be losing 10 vacation days as a result. Seems like a good idea. Let's put this guy back on the street as soon as possible, and also make it harder for him to relax, because he's obviously not stressed out already. Yep, this is going to work out just fine.
In happier news, Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit was freed from Hamas captivity after 5 years of confinement. Welcome home, Gilad. Psst! Nobody tell him how LOST ended!
Scientists are close to a Malaria vaccine, thereby erasing the only cool thing about having Sickle Cell Anemia. Way to go, science.
A new biography of Vincent Van Gogh proposes that the famed painter was accidentally shot to death by rude teenagers, not as a result of suicide. The case will be dramatized in an upcoming episode of CSI: Louvre.
And finally, law enforcement officials report that Mexican drug cartels are recruiting Texas children as young as 11 into the cartels. See, Mexico? It's not so cool when people start taking your jobs.
Okay, that's the end for today. But tomorrow is a new beginning, right?
Right. Till then, have a great day!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - August 21, 2011
What is this, Monday? Ugh. Okay. I went shopping recently, but I'm not going to talk about the stuff I bought, because I think I've grown as person, and I understand the world doesn't need to know about my underwear. But if you want to know, just ask me. Otherwise, enjoy the jokes.
In South Dakota, some school districts are trying to save money by cutting school on Fridays. I had no idea I was such a thrifty high schooler.
Speaking of thrifty, plans are still in flux for this year's MDA Telethon. Rumors are circulating that Jerry Lewis will be stepping back into the hosting duties after saying he would step down. Lewis denied the rumors, saying "who do I look like, Jay Leno?"
In Spain, the Pope was forced to end a youth rally after a lightning storm broke out. When the Pope is running from lightning, what chance do the rest of us have?
Senator Charles Schumer introduced a plan recently to deactivate stolen cell phones with some kind of kill switch transmitted by the owner. Similar plans have been proposed for children.
In California, fifteen people were arrested as they tried to smuggle pills into Tijuana, Mexico. Along with the pills, authorities found a broken GPS system.
The animal rights group PETA announced they will be launching a porn site devoted to animal lovers. I really hope I misinterpreted that sentence.
In legal news, the ubiquitous Facebook "Like" button was declared illegal in Germany because of course it was.
And lastly, President Obama issued a statement demanding that Libyan tyrant Gadhafi step down. Jay Leno has offered to take over.
And that's it for Monday. Tomorrow, there will be more. Maybe a Kardashian joke or something.
Have a great day!
In South Dakota, some school districts are trying to save money by cutting school on Fridays. I had no idea I was such a thrifty high schooler.
Speaking of thrifty, plans are still in flux for this year's MDA Telethon. Rumors are circulating that Jerry Lewis will be stepping back into the hosting duties after saying he would step down. Lewis denied the rumors, saying "who do I look like, Jay Leno?"
In Spain, the Pope was forced to end a youth rally after a lightning storm broke out. When the Pope is running from lightning, what chance do the rest of us have?
Senator Charles Schumer introduced a plan recently to deactivate stolen cell phones with some kind of kill switch transmitted by the owner. Similar plans have been proposed for children.
In California, fifteen people were arrested as they tried to smuggle pills into Tijuana, Mexico. Along with the pills, authorities found a broken GPS system.
The animal rights group PETA announced they will be launching a porn site devoted to animal lovers. I really hope I misinterpreted that sentence.
In legal news, the ubiquitous Facebook "Like" button was declared illegal in Germany because of course it was.
And lastly, President Obama issued a statement demanding that Libyan tyrant Gadhafi step down. Jay Leno has offered to take over.
And that's it for Monday. Tomorrow, there will be more. Maybe a Kardashian joke or something.
Have a great day!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 20, 2011
Knock knock.
Who's there?
A bunch of jokes.
The Phoenix area was beset recently by an enormous dust storm, which is much better than a Durst storm. Fred Durst. He sucks. Okay.
The Space Shuttle left the International Space Station for the last time yesterday to begin it's return trip to Earth. There's probably a Thelma & Louise joke in there somewhere, but I've got too much respect for the space program to make it. It's certainly not because I'm too lazy.
In other fake news, news came from DC (the comic book people, not the District of Columbia) that Superman and Lois Lane will be divorcing. But you know, statistically speaking, half of all fictional marriages end in divorce. The other half end in the Phantom Zone...
Speaking of being trapped forever in a timeless void, Rebecca Black is back with a new single, because apparently her self-esteem was starting to recover.
In more inconceivable news, Charlie Sheen has signed onto a sitcom adaptation of Anger Management, wherein he will play a psychiatrist. Isn't this kind of like casting Karen Carpenter to play Julia Child? In preparation for the role as a mental health provider, Charlie is conducting research by remaining completely batshit crazy.
Victorinox is marketing a Swiss Army USB drive, which is clearly what MacGuyver would use to transport vital files between computers. Now if only they made a digital Duct Tape data backup system...
In Pope-news, the Pope accepted the resignation this week of Philadelphia's Archbishop amid a sex-abuse-coverup-scandal. Apparently the Archbishop didn't want to relocate to a new parish.
And finally, a suspected al Qaeda leader was killed in Yemen yesterday. NewsCorp reporters have already hacked into his voicemail.
That's all! Go forth and have a great day! Come back tomorrow, when we'll have some more jokes!
And if you have a chance, go check out your town's farmers' market. You'll be surprised at what you find. Unless you live in Phoenix, in which case you'll probably just find a bunch of dust. Still better than Durst.
Who's there?
A bunch of jokes.
The Phoenix area was beset recently by an enormous dust storm, which is much better than a Durst storm. Fred Durst. He sucks. Okay.
The Space Shuttle left the International Space Station for the last time yesterday to begin it's return trip to Earth. There's probably a Thelma & Louise joke in there somewhere, but I've got too much respect for the space program to make it. It's certainly not because I'm too lazy.
In other fake news, news came from DC (the comic book people, not the District of Columbia) that Superman and Lois Lane will be divorcing. But you know, statistically speaking, half of all fictional marriages end in divorce. The other half end in the Phantom Zone...
Speaking of being trapped forever in a timeless void, Rebecca Black is back with a new single, because apparently her self-esteem was starting to recover.
In more inconceivable news, Charlie Sheen has signed onto a sitcom adaptation of Anger Management, wherein he will play a psychiatrist. Isn't this kind of like casting Karen Carpenter to play Julia Child? In preparation for the role as a mental health provider, Charlie is conducting research by remaining completely batshit crazy.
Victorinox is marketing a Swiss Army USB drive, which is clearly what MacGuyver would use to transport vital files between computers. Now if only they made a digital Duct Tape data backup system...
In Pope-news, the Pope accepted the resignation this week of Philadelphia's Archbishop amid a sex-abuse-coverup-scandal. Apparently the Archbishop didn't want to relocate to a new parish.
And finally, a suspected al Qaeda leader was killed in Yemen yesterday. NewsCorp reporters have already hacked into his voicemail.
That's all! Go forth and have a great day! Come back tomorrow, when we'll have some more jokes!
And if you have a chance, go check out your town's farmers' market. You'll be surprised at what you find. Unless you live in Phoenix, in which case you'll probably just find a bunch of dust. Still better than Durst.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - June 30, 2011
Can I interest you in some Thursday? How about a series of jokes? COMMENCE FRIVOLITY!
So, a judge in California just garnished Charlie Sheen's wages for child support. How much? Only $55,000 per month. Guess therapy can get pretty expensive, huh?
Last week, a man pretended to be a soldier returning from overseas so that he could get a free upgrade to first class on an American Airlines flight. After discovering the ruse, the airline offered him another free first class fight to Kabul. One way, of course.
The Pope started tweeting this week, and frankly I'm amazed at how much the Vatican apparently wants me to have an iPadd for fereee no cost clik here!!!! Also, he's retweeting a lot from @TheRealJC (Verified).
This week Newsweek ran a front page story on what Lady Diana would be like if she were still alive at age 50. I don't know what she'd be up to, but I think I might have figured out why people aren't reading Newsweek anymore. Way to go, Tina Brown.
In financial news, Bank of America is close to issuing a settlement to its investors for $8.5 billion. That would be a hell of a Community Chest card. Maybe it will be in the new "Colossal F*ck-Up" edition of Monolopy™ coming out this year. Just in time for the second recession!
Liz Taylor's jewelry has gone out on tour in preparation for sale at auction. Well, it looks like Michael Jackson really is dead, or else this would have smoked him out.
A recent poll found that Republican voters are unhappy with their choices in the Presidential primary. How shocking that Republican voters are unhappy. They're usually such a mellow, Zen-like group of folks.
And finally, Google is in beta testing for a new social network meant to "out-Facebook" Facebook. A spokesman for the company explained the new venture, saying, "we're way better at selling your personal data. Always have been, always will be. Now, who wants video chat?!"
That's it for me for the week! I've done better, certainly, but it's free, so... anyway, come back tomorrow for Spencer Hicks! And have a great day!
So, a judge in California just garnished Charlie Sheen's wages for child support. How much? Only $55,000 per month. Guess therapy can get pretty expensive, huh?
Last week, a man pretended to be a soldier returning from overseas so that he could get a free upgrade to first class on an American Airlines flight. After discovering the ruse, the airline offered him another free first class fight to Kabul. One way, of course.
The Pope started tweeting this week, and frankly I'm amazed at how much the Vatican apparently wants me to have an iPadd for fereee no cost clik here!!!! Also, he's retweeting a lot from @TheRealJC (Verified).
This week Newsweek ran a front page story on what Lady Diana would be like if she were still alive at age 50. I don't know what she'd be up to, but I think I might have figured out why people aren't reading Newsweek anymore. Way to go, Tina Brown.
In financial news, Bank of America is close to issuing a settlement to its investors for $8.5 billion. That would be a hell of a Community Chest card. Maybe it will be in the new "Colossal F*ck-Up" edition of Monolopy™ coming out this year. Just in time for the second recession!
Liz Taylor's jewelry has gone out on tour in preparation for sale at auction. Well, it looks like Michael Jackson really is dead, or else this would have smoked him out.
A recent poll found that Republican voters are unhappy with their choices in the Presidential primary. How shocking that Republican voters are unhappy. They're usually such a mellow, Zen-like group of folks.
And finally, Google is in beta testing for a new social network meant to "out-Facebook" Facebook. A spokesman for the company explained the new venture, saying, "we're way better at selling your personal data. Always have been, always will be. Now, who wants video chat?!"
That's it for me for the week! I've done better, certainly, but it's free, so... anyway, come back tomorrow for Spencer Hicks! And have a great day!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - May 2, 2011
Happy Monday! Do you smell something roasting? You probably will in about 30 seconds.
In television news news, sources at The Today Show report that Ann Curry may be taking over Meredith Viera's spot, although there is about an 80% chance that Jeff Zucker will make them give it to Jay Leno.
In movie news, Fast Five brought in $83Million this weekend, making it number one at the box office. Despite the success of the film, distributor Universal is demanding that the next installment star Jay Leno and his collection of old cars.
In political news, prominent Democrats are denouncing the destructive Obama-bashing going on in the press. Instead, they're calling for the sort of unity the country found last year when we were all bashing Jay Leno.
In sports news, Celtics star Paul Pierce was ejected from game one of the Celtics/Heat playoff series. Jay Leno immediately started campaigning to replace him.
In religious news, 1.5 Million people came from all over the world to watch the beatification of Pope John Paul II this weekend, proving once again that people would rather watch a dead guy than Jay Leno.
And finally, in legal news, Lindsay Lohan said this weekend she wants to put the stolen necklace case behind her. The troubled starlet said she'll do anything, "even go back on The Tonight Show again."
That's all for now. Hope you enjoyed this utterly unprovoked roast. Maybe we'll do it again sometime. Come back tomorrow, and tell your friends! Unless you're friends with Jay Leno.
Have a great day!
In television news news, sources at The Today Show report that Ann Curry may be taking over Meredith Viera's spot, although there is about an 80% chance that Jeff Zucker will make them give it to Jay Leno.
In romantic news, Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn publicly confirmed that they are in a relationship. They previously announced it on an episode of The Tonight Show, but since no one saw, they felt they needed to announce again.
In videogame news, a surprising number of Sony Playstation Network users are sticking with the company, even after their credit card numbers and email addresses were stolen by hackers last month. One consumer explained "we can forgive them; after all, it's not like they cancelled Conan O'Brien."
In political news, prominent Democrats are denouncing the destructive Obama-bashing going on in the press. Instead, they're calling for the sort of unity the country found last year when we were all bashing Jay Leno.
In sports news, Celtics star Paul Pierce was ejected from game one of the Celtics/Heat playoff series. Jay Leno immediately started campaigning to replace him.
In religious news, 1.5 Million people came from all over the world to watch the beatification of Pope John Paul II this weekend, proving once again that people would rather watch a dead guy than Jay Leno.
And finally, in legal news, Lindsay Lohan said this weekend she wants to put the stolen necklace case behind her. The troubled starlet said she'll do anything, "even go back on The Tonight Show again."
That's all for now. Hope you enjoyed this utterly unprovoked roast. Maybe we'll do it again sometime. Come back tomorrow, and tell your friends! Unless you're friends with Jay Leno.
Have a great day!
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - April 25, 2011
Okay, Monday. I don't like you, and you don't like me. So let's get this over with and go our separate ways. I wonder how many blind dates this week will at some point include that sentiment.
In Washington State, high school janitor Tyrone Curry donated $40,000 to the school to complete a new race track for the students. In his honor, the cafeteria will now serve Tyrone Curry Chicken every Tuesday. In a related story, Mr. Curry will now be teaching Economics at the school, or as it will be known in the classes, "Tyron-omics."
In his Easter sermon this weekend, Pope Benedict turned the power of the Papacy to events in Africa, and urged for diplomacy in Libya to end the violence. This is great news, as things have always improved for Africans once Europeans decide to get involved their lives. Oh, and how's that whole AIDS vs. Condoms thing working out?
A new museum, called MoMath, is being planned for New York. The goal of the organization is to encourage math appreciation among visitors. A spokesman for the organization said "hey, you guys! Let me out of this locker! And gimme back my underpants! Come on!"
In Afghanistan, local authorities are stepping up efforts to curtail the illegal trade in stolen and fake police uniforms. At least, they said they were local authorities...
In politics, GOP Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum said this weekend that he still regrets voting for the extension of Medicare Part D benefits, as that vote makes it harder for voters to take him seriously when talking about reducing the deficit. Also making it harder for voters to take him seriously: Google.
Elsewhere in politics, Sen. James Coburn (R-OK) said that he was in favor increasing government fundraising through the closing of existing tax loopholes. The Senator assured his supporters, however, that "despite supporting this clearly logical position, I am still as batshit crazy as ever."
In entertainment news, television personality and host of X Factor, Simon Cowell, responded this weekend to rumors that Paula Abdul would be a guest star on the program. He clarified by saying "Paula Abdul will not be a judge on X Factor. What I actually said was, all the X she's on will be a factor in Paula Abdul's judgment. She likes pills, people! Why are we not staging an intervention!"
And lastly, a small plane filled with cocaine crashed into a New Mexico lake this weekend. Local authorities became suspicious when they noticed that fish in the lake would not stop talking.
That's it. Take it for what it's worth. See you tomorrow, and hope you have a great day!
In Washington State, high school janitor Tyrone Curry donated $40,000 to the school to complete a new race track for the students. In his honor, the cafeteria will now serve Tyrone Curry Chicken every Tuesday. In a related story, Mr. Curry will now be teaching Economics at the school, or as it will be known in the classes, "Tyron-omics."
In his Easter sermon this weekend, Pope Benedict turned the power of the Papacy to events in Africa, and urged for diplomacy in Libya to end the violence. This is great news, as things have always improved for Africans once Europeans decide to get involved their lives. Oh, and how's that whole AIDS vs. Condoms thing working out?
A new museum, called MoMath, is being planned for New York. The goal of the organization is to encourage math appreciation among visitors. A spokesman for the organization said "hey, you guys! Let me out of this locker! And gimme back my underpants! Come on!"
In Afghanistan, local authorities are stepping up efforts to curtail the illegal trade in stolen and fake police uniforms. At least, they said they were local authorities...
In politics, GOP Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum said this weekend that he still regrets voting for the extension of Medicare Part D benefits, as that vote makes it harder for voters to take him seriously when talking about reducing the deficit. Also making it harder for voters to take him seriously: Google.
Elsewhere in politics, Sen. James Coburn (R-OK) said that he was in favor increasing government fundraising through the closing of existing tax loopholes. The Senator assured his supporters, however, that "despite supporting this clearly logical position, I am still as batshit crazy as ever."
In entertainment news, television personality and host of X Factor, Simon Cowell, responded this weekend to rumors that Paula Abdul would be a guest star on the program. He clarified by saying "Paula Abdul will not be a judge on X Factor. What I actually said was, all the X she's on will be a factor in Paula Abdul's judgment. She likes pills, people! Why are we not staging an intervention!"
And lastly, a small plane filled with cocaine crashed into a New Mexico lake this weekend. Local authorities became suspicious when they noticed that fish in the lake would not stop talking.
That's it. Take it for what it's worth. See you tomorrow, and hope you have a great day!
Earnest's Weekend Monologue - April 24, 2011
The White House is having an Easter egg hunt today with 30,000 guests showing up to look for Easter eggs. And of course the Republicans immediately blamed Barack for losing all the eggs. "They were there when he took office!" The Democrats fought back by cutting healthcare and offering to raise taxes a little.
The Pope gave an Easter speech in which he said humanity wasn't an accident. He said "If man were merely a random product of evolution in some place on the margins of the universe, then his life would make no sense or might even be a chance of nature," he said. "But no, reason is there at the beginning: creative, divine reason." To which I counter: Charlie Sheen.
The Russian Space Agency is denying rumors of secret sex experiments in space. They claim there's "no official or unoffical evidence of sexual intercourse in space, and it certainly wasn't awkward the next morning when everyone woke up but refused to discuss the events of the night before."
The Pope gave an Easter speech in which he said humanity wasn't an accident. He said "If man were merely a random product of evolution in some place on the margins of the universe, then his life would make no sense or might even be a chance of nature," he said. "But no, reason is there at the beginning: creative, divine reason." To which I counter: Charlie Sheen.
The Russian Space Agency is denying rumors of secret sex experiments in space. They claim there's "no official or unoffical evidence of sexual intercourse in space, and it certainly wasn't awkward the next morning when everyone woke up but refused to discuss the events of the night before."
Texas governor Rick Perry is asking Texans to pray for rain. That's never going to work. If you've ever been to Texas, you know God gave up on it a long time ago.
Speaking of religion, the King James Bible turns 400 this year. The book has left a lasting legacy. It was the first reboot of an aging franchise. More people have pretended to read that book than any other book in the world.
The Paul Reiser Show was cancelled after just two episodes. Upon hearing that news, Texas Governer Rick Perry said his prayers had been answered.
Come back Monday through Friday for jokes from Seth and Spencer!
Speaking of religion, the King James Bible turns 400 this year. The book has left a lasting legacy. It was the first reboot of an aging franchise. More people have pretended to read that book than any other book in the world.
The Paul Reiser Show was cancelled after just two episodes. Upon hearing that news, Texas Governer Rick Perry said his prayers had been answered.
Come back Monday through Friday for jokes from Seth and Spencer!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 25, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
After China announced it's own stealth fighter last week, some in the defense community speculated that the aircraft may be made with stolen American technology, which would make it the first Chinese product made with American electronics. When news of the possible theft reached the White House, President Obama hailed this as a great first step toward closing the US/China trade deficit.
After China announced it's own stealth fighter last week, some in the defense community speculated that the aircraft may be made with stolen American technology, which would make it the first Chinese product made with American electronics. When news of the possible theft reached the White House, President Obama hailed this as a great first step toward closing the US/China trade deficit.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 11, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
Actress Denise Richards and musician Nikki Sixx split up recently after several weeks of dating. No word yet if they were successful in their attempt to create the world's strongest venereal disease.
Actress Denise Richards and musician Nikki Sixx split up recently after several weeks of dating. No word yet if they were successful in their attempt to create the world's strongest venereal disease.
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