Friday, December 30, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: What the What?

Happy New Years Eve Eve! Is that right? What day is it? I want to try something new this week. Instead of searching through various news websites, I'm going to post my favorite tweets of the past two weeks. If you are on Twitter and enjoy humor, sometimes crude, follow me @SpencerLenox.

Ever see a group a Christians make the last person to put their thumb on the table say the prayer? I'm sure Jesus appreciates that.

The calming pastel pics of nature on my desk calendar are the only reason I don't stick a letter opener in my nose and slam my face into my desk.

Hey Anne Geddes, what if you put the plants IN the babies!?! You're welcome in advance.

Wonder how many things Anne Geddes shoved into produce before she stumbled upon children.

Christmas is a time when people can celebrate the season by buying the Apple product of their choice.

Since I was raised Southern Baptist, I know when something is obscene by my erection.

I'm using my vacation to see the Deftones. I call it my Def-a-cation trip! ...wait. I need to fine a better name....

Historian have little information about the number of Indians that laughed while watching the civil war take place.

In my study of girl fights, long hair seems to be a disadvantage.

Street tacos are just unemployed Indian tacos.

Well, that was quick and painless! I hope you enjoyed my Twitter recap. I'm sorry I'm lazy this week. I'll try harder next week. Until then, I love you all. And come back often to see the writings of the hilarious Seth Joseph!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - December 29, 2011

Happy Thursday, y'all! This will be my last post of 2011, and I want to thank all 15 of you for reading this thing all year. I thought about just re-posting my favorite jokes, but that would mean re-reading all those posts, and who has time for that? So, here's my last eight jokes for the year.

The ghost of Christopher Hitchens briefly appeared last week to paranormal investigators before successfully arguing against its own existence and disappearing.

In North Korea, mourners crowded into the streets, wailing in grief as Kim Jong-il's body crossed the country. Apparently the mourners were so grief-stricken because they'd been told he was being buried with the last of their food.

According to an Associated Press survey of economists, most find President Obama's economic policies to be "fair to poor," not to be confused with being "fair to the poor."

This winter, gale force winds are battering Scotland, which is terrible news for the kilt industry. But great news for the chapped-ass moisturizer industry.

Los Angeles voters will be voting on an ordinance to force porn actors to wear condoms on set. Turnout is expected to be low, however, as no one really feels much on the issue.

According to Forbes, Plano, Texas, is the safest city in America largely because Plano is too boring for criminals.

Microsoft announced that its Windows Mobile operating system now has over 50,000 applications, although the number is actually much higher if you count viruses.

And finally, in a new ad, Newt Gingrich said that he has a plan to "create millions of jobs, right now." Yes, he's willing to buy that much new jewelry.

And that's the end of me for the year. Come back tomorrow for Spencer. Until next time, have a great 2011!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 28, 2011

Greetings, fair travelers. Prithee, halt thine surfing of yonder webbe and partake in the repast of joviality collected herein to amuse and delight the humours of the minde! Oh, man, that's awful. Can you just pretend you read a nice introductory paragraph? I'll do better tomorrow. By Zeus' gleaming taile, I fhalle!

Sinead O'Connor just got divorced for the fourth time, after only 18 days of marriage. Let's see... pop star, bald-headed, lots of divorces. It's official. Britney Spears is America's Sinead O'Connor.

In other entertainment news, this year's Oscar ballots went out in the mail yesterday! And who says the Academy is out of touch?

Speaking of out of touch, Nebraska Senator Ben Nelson announced he will not seek reelection next year. In the last three years he's been able to torpedo unemployment aid, foreclosure and finance reforms as well as the public healthcare option. Said the Senator, "there's really nothing else for me to do for America, unless we can start bringing poor people into the Senate Chambers so I can physically kick them in the stomachs. No? That's not happening? Oh, that's too bad." He then sat down on a sick puppy and killed it.

A burglar in Pittsburgh was arrested recently after he posted pictures of his loot on Facebook. Police found the photos in his album, "I'm a Dumbass."

President Obama's job approval rating is higher than it's been since July, which is a strong indication that America has collectively decided to just get drunk this holiday season.

New Orleans Saints QB Drew Brees set the single-season passing record last night. Tim Tebow still holds the single-season prayer record.

Egypt's courts outlawed the practice of conducting mandatory virginity tests on female detainees on the grounds that IT IS INSANE!

And finally, a Colorado man returned $10,000 he found at a Las Vegas airport to its rightful owner because he wanted to teach his kids about right and wrong. When asked for comment, his daughter said, "yep, that's great. Way better than Disney World."

And that's it. We wille be back anon. Till then, have a great day!

Monday, December 26, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 27, 2011

Are you back at work, yet? Sucks for you, buddy. Here's some jokes to lighten the load.

BEGIN!

Recently unearthed court documents from Newt Gingrich's 1980 divorce contradict his version of the divorce. According to the papers, it was Newt, not his wife, who petitioned for the divorce, and she did not, as he maintains, cite "his freakishly huge penis" as a reason for the split. I mean divorce.

In music news, David Lee Roth is rejoining Van Halen for a new tour and breakup.

Lindsay Lohan's father Michael said this weekend that he approves of his daughter's appearance in Playboy, and called it a smart move. When asked for comment, Lindsay replied "I gotta make some changes."

An heir to the Walmart family just opened the brand new Crystal Bridges art museum in Arkansas. They are still hiring old people to greet visitors. And then not paying them.

South Korea's former first lady, Lee Hee-ho, met with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un this weekend. At first it was awkward between them, but then they discovered they actually have a lot in common. For instance, neither one of them is in control of North Korea's army.

Yoko Ono is making a new art installation for Indian women meant to address the problems facing modern Indian women. Like how even today, most Indian women are still forced to go through life without ever breaking up a pop supergroup.

In China, scientists tested a new 300-mph train. The test was successful, but they're still trying to figure out how to make it belch out more coal smoke.

And finally, Netflix's board of directors voted to cut CEO Reed Hastings' stock options in half. Hastings seemed unfazed, however, remarking, "yeah, that's okay. That shit is worthless anyway."

END! And banter, banter, banter. Come back tomorrow, have a great day!

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - December 26, 2011

Happy Monday! It's the last one of the year. That doesn't really mean anything, I guess. Oh well. Hopefully you're not working today, or if you are you're getting paid extra. And if you are working, I hope you're not working very hard or very well. Unless you're a cop or a doctor or working in Chinese restaurant, in which case you should know how much your country depends upon you. Okay. SEGUE TO JOKES!

Newt Gingrich is losing ground in Iowa ahead of the all-important Iowa caucus next month, with many voters saying that Gingrich is too arrogant for their taste. When asked by reporters for comment, Gingrich responded that this was an expected setback, due to the inherent stupidity of Iowa voters. He then tried to sell them all a copy of his book.

In other election news, the state of Texas has been paying for Gov. Perry's security detail during his presidential campaign. Texas voters are upset at the cost, but any sacrifice is worth it if gets him the hell out of Texas.

A recently published medical study argues that Ludwig Beethoven's hearing loss changed how he wrote music later in his life. The study was released in last month's edition of No Shit magazine.

Congratulations to Jordan Romero, who is now the youngest person in history to climb the highest mountains on all seven continents. Too bad everything is downhill from here. Literally and metaphorically.

In an attempt to close budget shortfalls, the Italian government is trying to increase the social stigma tied to tax evasion. Good luck, Italy. Your last Prime Minister is on trial for allegedly banging an underage hooker while in office, and he's almost beaten it. But I'm sure the tax dodger is really going to be the social pariah this year.

Speaking of pariah's, Donald Trump left the GOP this weekend. But don't worry, he's already found a younger, prettier political party to have sex with.

In China, a wealthy couple came under fire this month for having eight children, which is way more than one, which is the number Chinese couples are supposed to stop at. In their defense, though, many of the couple's children are girls, which don't count.

And finally, in a pre-Christmas miracle this weekend, a 21-year old college student in Arizona came out of a coma moments before doctors were scheduled to begin removing his organs for donation to other patients. Look for the video on an upcoming episode of Punk'd.

That's all for today. More later. Till then, have a great day!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - December 22, 2011

It's Thursday! Crack open the bubbly and celebrate! Start with some jokes, why don't you?

You've seen the video of the FedEx driver throwing a computer monitor over a fence, right? Pretty bad stuff. But still not nearly as bad as the videos from his previous job as a neonatal nurse.

Celebrated bastard Pat Robertson said earlier this week that gay people should simply "un-acquire" their sexuality. You know, like how he un-acquired his sense of human empathy and understanding?

In New Mexico, a woman trapped in her car during a snowstorm gave birth to a healthy baby! She then immediately pulled over to the carpool lane.

Kim Kardashian said in an interview that "mistakes shape our lives," adding "and I've made a lot of mistakes related to my ass."

Remember how Britney Spears got married for 55 hours one time? (that we know of) Well, her "husband" is back in the news, claiming that her current engagement is "fake." He said it's a financial arrangement, and "as fake as every orgasm she had with me." That's pretty fake.

Chinese hackers broke into the U.S. Chamber of Commerce yesterday, apparently forgetting that they could just as easily buy their way in.

The leader of the Scottish group VisitScotland.com said that the new Pixar film about Scotland "could boost" the country's image and spirits. He then added, "does anyone have any heroin?"

And finally, North Korea's new leader Kim Jong-Un will be sharing power with the country's military leadership in a plan designed to keep himself from being assassinated. So good news, North Korea! Don't think of it as losing one tyrannical autocrat so much as you're gaining dozens of tyrannical autocrats. Watch how love expands and grows.

But that's as much expanding and growing as we're going to do today. Come back tomorrow. Maybe Spencer has a growth you can check out. Till then, have a great day!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 21, 2011

Welcome, welcome! I hope you're all having a great day. It's been cold in New York, so I decided to buy some long johns from Uniqlo. I bought black ones, from their Heattech line, and it didn't occur to me until I got home that I've basically bought a pair of black tights. And I really don't have the ass for that.

Scientists found that 92% of public diaper changing tables in the UK have cocaine on them. In a related story, 92% of British babies FEEL TOTALLY INCREDIBLE RIGHT NOW! WHOOOO! COME ON, LET'S DO THAT BARNEY DANCE!

The Kepler space telescope discovered two earth-sized planets in another solar system yesterday. So now the Earth will finally have someone to borrow clothes from.

In television news, Whoopi Goldberg denied farting during an interview with Claire Danes on The View. She did not fart. No, she full-on shit herself. Ruined a new pair of tights, too. HEY-OH!

American Idol runner-up David Archuleta will spend the next two years as a Mormon proselytizer. Congratulations, David. You've found a way to be more annoying.

French lawmakers plan to criminalize the denial of the 1915-1916 Turkish genocide of Armenians. John Galliano is already setting up his legal defense fund.

Scientists suspect they will uncover a "new metal" at the Earth's core, forged by the intense heat and pressure at the center of the planet. I just hope this "new metal" isn't Papa Roach. Those guys suck.

A man in New York will spend a year in federal prison for leaking a copy of X-Men Origins: Wolverine on the Internet a month before the film came out. It's a good start, but there are still many, many people out there who were responsible for making and distributing the film, and we shouldn't rest until they are all behind bars.

And finally, the Denver Broncos have declined to make a video for the "It Gets Better" campaign. Initially, the Indianapolis Colts offered to join the campaign, but organizers decided no one would believe the Colts could ever get better.

Cease joking... NOW! Serious time now, everyone. Unless someone farts.

See you tomorrow!

Monday, December 19, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 20, 2011

Is it Tuesday? Not right now, actually, because it's Monday when I'm writing this. Yes, I write these the night before. Which is why Monday's blog made no mention of Kim Jong-il's passing. That will be rectified today. Oh yes. Let's do it.

Kim Jong-il passed away late Sunday night, taking his strongest stance yet against nuclear disarmament negotiations.

North Koreans mourned the death of Kim Jong-il across the country on Monday, or they got shot.

With all that grieving, North Korean mourners could be expected to put on some extra weight this winter, or they would if there was any food in the country.

This is especially bad news for the North Korean film industry. Without Jong-il's leadership, it's unlikely anyone is going to step up, find the next generation of gifted filmmakers, and kidnap them.

Leadership of the little dictatorship passed to Kim Jong-il's son, Kim Jong-un. Is there any chance that "un" in Korean means "not nearly as crazy as?" Or does it just mean that he's caffeine-free and flavored with lemon and lime?

Feel better now? Okay.

Back in America, Sarah Palin reminded America that it's not too late for someone to get into the presidential race. Did she just threaten us?

Due to mounting legal pressure, AT&T dropped it's bid to buy T-Mobile. Then, just for good measure, AT&T went ahead and dropped thousands of calls.

And finally, MTV said they would be bringing back their long-cancelled practical joke show Punk'd. That's a joke, right?

And that's the end. Until it starts again. In the meantime, be good to yourselves, and each other.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - December 19, 2011

Happy Monday! Is anyone else having a wonderful winter? I'm thinking about getting some thermal longjohns. I think I should mention that I'm already engaged, so contain your fulminating desire that image conjures. Instead, think about these jokes. And how awesome a word "fulminating" is. Stick that in your "Words with Friends."

Unlikely serious presidential candidate Newt Gingrich said yesterday that as President he would arrest "activist judges" who he felt were out of line with mainstream America. This should serve as a warning not only to the judiciary, but also to any women who've dumped him in the past.

Following up on attacks from Romney, Bachmann and others, Gingrich said that his rivals' criticism of his record is "not based on facts," but instead based upon things Newt has said in the past. Not to be confused with facts.

NBC will be airing a special televised tribute to Betty White for her 90th birthday. Congratulations on lasting this long, NBC! Now cancel Whitney.

A New Jersey cable repairman was surprised to discover a brown bear living in an elderly woman's basement last week. And that's what happens when you find a roommate through Craigslist.

Over 15,000 Czech citizens listed "Knights of the Jedi" as their religion on a recent census. Unsurprisingly, they all listed their sex as "no, not yet."

A popular Chinese actor was arrested last week after authorities discovered he was in fact a fugitive from justice who was wanted in an assault on a police officer. After his arrest, Ji Siguang told journalists his crime was perfect, except for the part where he pursued a career in television acting.

Facing criticism for secretly gathering data on its users, Sprint said this weekend that the Carrier IQ snooping software has been disabled on its smartphone devices. AT&T went a step further, and disabled all smartphone functionality for its users.

And lastly, Kobe Bryant's wife filed for divorce, and this time the NBA commissioner did not block the trade. It's worth noting that Bryant and his wife never signed a prenuptial agreement, so there's no salary cap for this free agent! I don't understand sports.

That's all for now! See you tomorrow, friends.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: Money is a root

Happy Friday friends! I'm going to be honest, I've been in a funk lately. It's not so much depression as it is a shallow kiddie pool of shit. So, if these jokes aren't good, well, whatever. Not like you paid anything for it. Just realize that when I'm dead and gone, no one is going to give a shit about a some jokes I wrote Dec. 16th 2011. Have a great weekend!

Recently a report surfaced that alleges Victoria Secret is linked to child labor. In other news, Toddlers and Tiara's is in for some competition.

In Hollywood news, Hugh Jackman and Anne Hathaway have been cast for the motion picture Les Miserables. They should change the name to More Miserables!

Also, Tom Cruise is going to be starring in a new sci-fi film called, "All You Need is Kill." A Scientologist in a sci-fi movie? Crazy.

Time Magazine recently named, The Protestor as their Person of the Year. Don't like their decision? Write them a letter, congrats you are now Times Person of the Year.

San Fransisco is gearing up for its annual "SantaCon." A convention for people that love Santa without the stigma of NAMBLA.

President Obama ended the war in Iraq. Does Bush still have that "Mission Accomplished" banner?

The National Transportation Safety Board called for a ban on all cell phone use by drivers. Unless you are also high on cocaine, because you can do anything when you're on cocaine!

More than one in three women have experienced sexual assault, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime, according to a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention survey. In other news, perhaps the feminist movement was a mistake.

Staff Sergeant Steven Guidry's widow finally receives World War II service medals he earned more than 60 years ago. That's a nice surprise. Not as nice as the nice form letter she received when he died, but nice nonetheless.

Alright kids, thank you for hanging out. I love you.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - December 15, 2011

Good morning, everyone! I've discovered through a hands-on test that my new Lenovo laptop is tougher than a bowl of Nissin Oriental Ramen Soup. Haven't tested other recipes, but so far the $300 computer has beaten the $0.39 soup packet. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it stays that way. Crossed fingers make it hard to type jokes, by the way, so I hope you laugh extra-hard at these.

Gary Busey rescinded his endorsement of presidential candidate Newt Gingrich, saying that Newt was going to have "work a lot harder" to keep Busey from endorsing him again. Meanwhile, Christine O'Donnell endorsed Mitt Romney, so this has been a good week for Ron Paul.

A recent study found that one in five women in the U.S.A. have been the victims of sexual assault. That number is horrifying, and we can't blame them all on Herman Cain.

Speaking of blame, The Jersey Shore was the most watched cable series in 2011. I don't have a joke here, just hoping to shame anyone who has been watching it. Shaaaaame.

Matthew McConaughey shaved his head this week. I guess he's taking his breakup with Kevin Federline tougher than we thought.

Speaking of single, on Ellen this week, Charlize Theron said she is "really enjoying" being single. No, really. Seriously. Why won't you believe that?!

Time Magazine named The Protester as it's Person of the Year. They would have singled out an individual protester, but the editors at Time think all poor people look alike.

The number of married couples in the U.S. is at an all time low, probably because more and more Americans are horrible people that no one can stand to be around. That would explain the high numbers for The Jersey Shore.

And finally, Barbara Walters revealed that the Kardashians and Donald Trump made her Most Fascinating List for 2011. Other top contenders for the list: A train wreck and a burning house.

And that's all for me this week. Thanks for reading! See you on Monday. Until then, enjoy Spencer's work tomorrow, and have a great weekend!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 14, 2011

No time for banter today. Just jokes.

Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen is working on a new spaceflight company. Paul, if ever there was a time to prevent crashes, this is it.

Speaking of software giants, the papers from Apple's founding sold at auction for $1.6 million. Steve Wozniak got nothing.

In Vancouver, a bear was seen riding on a garbage truck yesterday. Cops removed him once they realized he wasn't a member of the government employee union. Rules are rules, bear.

The U.S. Mint is phasing out gold coins, much to the disappointment of pirates.

Derek Jeter reportedly had been giving autographed balls to women he has over night stands with. That may seem cold and impersonal, but it's a lot better than the souvenir A-Rod has been giving out.

That would be herpes.

In other health news, rapper 50 Cent is releasing a new health guidebook. It's called Get Fit or Die Trying.

CBS is expanding Face the Nation to one hour, probably because Americans have larger faces today.

And finally, the Oscar award Orson Welles won for Citizen Kane is going up for auction, reminding us all that no matter how great you are in this life, eventually strangers will end up paying through your possessions in search of trinkets. If only there was some sort of film that could drive that message home... Oh well. Maybe someday.

And that's all. Thanks for a great year! See you tomorrow!

Monday, December 12, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 13, 2011


Hey, how about Buffalo? Did you know they have their own bread? It's called "weck." Yep. That's a true story. Everyone else calls it a Kaiser roll. Isn't it amazing what you can learn when you get stuck at the Buffalo airport? Oh, and also, you can write jokes. Jokes like these:

Schools in southern California are reporting a surge in tuba thefts. Police are looking for suspicious people with tuba-shaped bulges under their shirts.

Biologists have finally discovered how large birds, like the ostrich and emu, are able to sustain erections without blood flowing to the member. One of the proud discoverers said of the announcement, “Yep, we figured it out. Now can we please stop studying bird erections?”

Speaking of bird boners, Fear Factor is back on NBC, forcing contestants to confront their fears and endure disgusting trials for big cash prizes. On next week’s premier, contestants will be forced to watch an entire episode of Whitney.

Election observers in the Ivory Coast reported a low turnout in their recent parliamentary elections. But come on, turnout is always low for elections in non-coup years.

Last week, a judge ordered a French man who is obsessed with Kirsten Dunst to stay away from the actress. And to make sure this obsession ends, the stalker will be forced to watch Spider-Man 3 and Elizabethtown. That should take care of it.

Speaking of particle physics, the Higgs boson particle was finally seen at the Large Hadron Colider. It was spotted with Ryan Reynolds, but then again, who hasn’t been?

Remember Lindsay Lohan? She said recently that she realizes now she should have listened more to people offering her advice, and that she could have avoided most of her problems if she’d just made better decisions. The full interview will be published in next month’s issue of No Shit magazine.

And finally, North Korea warned South Korea not to put up Christmas lights on a South Korean observation tower at the Demilitarized Zone, saying that such a display would cause “unexpected consequences.” In case you were wondering, that is what a War on Christmas actually looks like. Happy Holidays, people.

Yep. That ends Tuesday's blog. More tomorrow! Till then, have a great day.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - December 12, 2011

Did everyone have a great weekend? I'm pretty sure I explicitly told everyone who reads this blog to have a great weekend. So, I really hope you did it. Because I'm a megalomaniac. And now, jokes.

On Meet the Press yesterday, actual Senator Lindsey Graham explained his opposition to the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, saying that the regulatory body was "something out of the Stalinist era." His new economic adviser Yakov Smirnoff then added, "in Soviet Russia, Financial Protection Bureau consumes you!"

In Virginia, a woman was arrested for falsely claiming to be a cancer survivor in order to solicit donations. The woman has publicly apologized, and offered to join a tanning salon.

Astronomers confirmed the possible presence of planets made entirely of diamonds recently. Newt Gingrich has already purchased one on credit.

Speaking of Gingrich, the Arab League recently condemned comments he made about Palestinians as ignorant and racist. Newt thanked them for their endorsement.

Rick Perry screwed up again this week, when he misidentified the number of US Supreme Court Justices during an interview. Fortunately, that kid who stumped Michele Bachmann was there to set him straight.

In other Rick Perry news, he and Mitt Romney got into a heated debate about healthcare, and Romney offered to bet Perry $10,000 that he was right. That's $10,000, or as uninsured Americans call it "the amount of money we need to keep getting chemotherapy for another week."

Former Panamanian strongman Manuel Noriega was extradited back to Panama this week after spending 22 years in prison overseas. He's expected to serve out the rest of his life in Panamanian prison where, if he's truly lucky, he will die without ever having seen an episode of NBC's Whitney.

And finally, in the Ukraine, a group of young women protested the recent Russian parliamentary elections by stripping in front of a Moscow church. Let that be a lesson to you, Vladimir Putin. You screw around with the elections, and young women will come to your city and take off their clothes. Hmm. Wait a minute...

Friday, December 9, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: Pink eye edition

How are you this Friday? I hope you have weekend plans that include something you enjoy. It's your time, ya know. You should do what you want. I have pink eye, so don't touch me. Anycrap, let's get to the jokes!

Due to the bad economy, the Queen of England’s salary will be frozen for the next four years. Wanna know who else won't be getting paid by the government for four years? Herman Cain.

Speaking of Herman Cain, the formal presidential candidate visited Oklahoma. He promised that he would still be active in touching as many people as he could.

Free-agent slugger Albert Pujols will join the Los Angeles Angels on a 10-year contract worth at least $250 million, according to reports Thursday morning. In other news, Kim Kardashian is planning a Spring wedding.

"America's Next Top Model" crowned a winner Wednesday night in its all-stars cycle, but not before a shocking and largely unexplained disqualification of one of the final three contestants. Turns out 1-out-of-3 models is terrible in bed.

Mitt Romney picks fellow Michigan native Kid Rock's tune "Born Free" as his campaign theme song. Kid Rock, like Mitt, was "born free" of hepatitis, but got that later when they slept with Mormons.

Rick Perry has an ad saying he thinks kids should be able to "openly celebrate Christmas" at school. Good point, Governor Perry. Finally a solution to our country's debt!

In a recent poll, Mitt Romney is trailing Newt Gingrich w/ upper income & low income Republicans, but slightly ahead with women Newt's dumped on their deathbeds.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - December 8, 2011

I'm so glad it's Thursday. More than that, I'm so glad you're here to share it with me. Whoever you are. Yeah. Okay.

Yesterday, Syrian President Assad said that only “crazy” leaders kill their own people. He then cut prices so low, he’d have to be insane! And then he killed a bunch of people.

Rod Blagojevich was sentenced to fourteen years in prison yesterday. Fourteen years! By the time he gets out, he’ll have no idea how much a senate seat is supposed to sell for. Also, he plead for leniency from the judge, which might have been more effective if he hadn’t dropped so many f-bombs.

Hillary Clinton gave a speech yesterday showing U.S. support for LGBT people being persecuted overseas. Too bad American LGBT people aren't overseas.

Netflix’s president said this week that HBO Go is the online rival he fears the most. And also spiders.

Terrence Howard’s wife got a restraining order against him earlier this month, but by the time the paperwork was finished it ended up being for Don Cheadle instead.

A study of American schools found that middle-class children ask for more help on assignments than working-class students, while the rich kids just pay someone else to do it for them.

In France, activists invaded an atomic power site to show how vulnerable it is. It's kinda like beating a kid up to show him he needs to be tougher, except if you punch too hard, millions of cubic liters of radioactive steam come out of him and kill thousands of people. That old chestnut.

And finally, Sarah Palin said yesterday that the idea of a Trump-moderated debate was "appealing." I assume she meant to say "appalling." Either way, she's dumb.

Whew! I'm tired. It's been a long week, and I thank you for sticking around. Come back tomorrow for Spencer's laugh attack, and I'll be back Monday. Till then, have a great day!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 7, 2011


Happy Wednesday. It’s December 7th, which is, coincidentally, the day that the U.S. joined both World War I and World War II. So let’s be extra-vigilant today and try like hell not to get involved in any horrible wars today. What say? And while we’re at it, how about some nice, peace-loving jokes?

You like books? Alternate-history novelist Harry Turtledove’s new book, Supervolcano: Eruption, explores what it would be like if America was destroyed by a massive volcanic eruption at Yellowstone, and not George W. Bush’s presidency.

In south Florida, biologists are studying crocodiles living near a nuclear power plant. They’re tracking breeding and movement patterns, as well as any evidence of monsterism.

Military leaders at the Pentagon are concerned that a drone that crashed in Iran may end up giving away U.S. secrets. And that’s why it’s a bad idea to program drones with the personality of a chatty 14-year old girl.

Remember that burglar that robbed Alex Trebek? Good news for her, as she won’t be facing mandatory sentences from the “three strikes” law. It’s a good thing she wasn’t robbing Steve Harvey. ‘Cause he hosts Family Feud. And that show uses the “three strikes” motif. Oh, boy.

Chewbacca will be guest-starring in Glee’s Christmas episode this year! George Lucas has already agreed to ban the program after it airs and buy up as many copies as he possibly can.

In more serious news, BP accused Haliburton of willfully destroying evidence related to the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico last year. Haliburton refutes the claim, saying that the evidence was destroyed through simple incompetence, just like everything else they touch.

The anti-piracy group Creative America released a new 12-minute anti-piracy video this week. But I already saw it last month on bittorrent.

And finally, following election losses in the Russian Federal Assembly, Vladimir Putin promised to make real changes next year. And by that, he means he will do a better job of fixing future elections.

And that’s the end. Hope you enjoyed it. Tell your friends! And we’ll be back with more tomorrow. Until then, have a great day!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 6, 2011

Are you ready for some happy times, Internet? Doesn't "internet" kind of sound like a vaguely dismissive way to refer to a female intern? That just now occurred to me. These jokes also just occurred to me. READ THEM AND BEHOLD THE ABSURDITY OF OUR WORLD!

A survey found that over one third of American shoppers are done with their holiday gift purchases for the year. This is due in equal parts to Americans not having any money, and the fact that most American children were little shits this year.

In a move to avoid total bankruptcy, the US Postal Service is cutting 28,000 jobs. Hope they don’t get disgruntled.

The postal service's restructuring is part of a plan to save the USPS by slowing down the delivery of mail. That’s like saving a relationship by getting worse at sex. But then people just start banging FedEx and UPS on the side.

In international news, Lithuania is cracking down on beggars, going so far as to criminalize panhandling. That's a bold move for Lithuania, considering the cops who will be arresting them were probably hired using the $3 billion in aid Lithuania received from the EU this year.

At Newark Liberty airport, a passenger was detained after TSA agents found four grenades in his carry on luggage. The grenades were confiscated, which is bad news for the passenger, as he's gotta come back to Newark at some point. And now he won't have his grenades. Which you need for Newark. Because Newark  is a tough city. Moving on.

Astronomers spotted a planet in another solar system of similar size and climate to Earth. It's so similar that they’re calling it an “earth twin.” However, images of the planet with a ridiculous goatee suggest it might be the evil twin.

Former Miss USA Rima Fakih was charged with drunk driving this weekend. Officers got suspicious during the sobriety test when Ms. Fakih had to walk a straight line and wouldn’t stop waving.

And finally, Madonna will be performing at halftime during this year’s Super Bowl, which means we’ll have to find a new name for it. Also, the football won’t be the only tough, leathery thing on camera.

And that’s a wrap. Have a great Tuesday, and I’ll see you tomorrow!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - December 5, 2011

Hey, happy Monday, and happy End of Prohibition Day! On this day in 1933, Prohibition ended, legalizing the sale and possession of alcoholic beverages in the United States. It would be the last time America wasted its time, money and energy on an unwinnable war against human desires. Glad that's over. Okay, back to today. What happened this weekend? Who knows!

Speaking of prohibition, a man in Deltona, Florida, was arrested after trying to order drugs at a Burger King. So much for having it your way. In a related story, there are no Taco Bell locations in Deltona, Florida.

In Spartanburg, South Carolina, a woman was arrested after a routine traffic stop when she revealed she had two crack pipes hidden between her butt cheeks. Look like someone took the name "crack" too literally.

In Saudi Arabia, a conservative religious group predicted that if women are allowed to drive, there will be no virgins in the country within ten years. It should be noted that this assertion was made after watching Grease and is, of course, based upon the premise that Saudi Arabian women are insatiable whores.

A government study in England found that "anger at police" was a major cause of the country's riots earlier this year. The study also found that water is wet.

Two Chinese Pandas arrived in Edinburgh, Scotland, this weekend. Their move to Edinburgh serves as a stern warning to other Pandas that they'd better behave, or they might end up in Scotland.

A new company is offering toy rentals this holiday season, just like Netflix's DVD-by-mail service. Parents can queue up toys for their kids and send back toys their done with so other kids can play with them. A similar program was scrapped by Adam & Eve.

On Facebook, a condom company is creating profiles for fake, yet-to-be-conceived children to try and sell condoms. If they really want their marketing to go viral, they should be sending out invites from Syphilis' account.

And finally, Charlie Sheen's ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, was arrested in Aspen for assault and cocaine possession with intent to distribute. Looks like someone wants to reconcile!

Buzzer. We're out of time, kiddos. More tomorrow! Until then, have a great day! (and maybe a cocktail)

Friday, December 2, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: Glue Sticks

Hey friends! Did you have a great Thanksgiving? I did. My fat pants became skinny jeans. That's how much food I ate.

In Oklahoma a lot of people are gearing up for Bedlam. One of OU's players that torched OSU last year was arrested yesterday in Georgia for stealing a woman's purse. Former receiver Cameron Kenny had to be taken to the hospital for stitches when he "fell" trying to elude the police. Which proves that with his lack of coordination, OSU's defense is really bad. It's a good thing he practiced "receiving" during his tenure at OU.

Senator John McCain took a dig at Long Island, New York on the Senate floor, saying, "Last I checked, Long Island was part – albeit sometimes regrettably – part of the United States of America." He immediately received flack for his comment. He would have been fine had he shat upon New Jersey... that place is a dump.

Country music singer Mindy McCready, was ordered to return her 5-year-old son Wednesday. Which is fine for now, but when he gets older he's going to want to live with his rich, drug abusing mother.

Dr. Conrad Murray was sentence to serve 4-years for his role in Michael Jackson's death. He is also required to report to Herman Cain about what it's like to have a 4 year term.

In Greenwich, Connecticut, three wealthy investors who were already worth millions won the $254 million power ball jackpot. They said, "This is by far the second easiest way to take money from stupid people."

President Obama will attend three fundraisers in New York City to raise money for his re-election campaign. How about holding a fundraiser to raise money for the United States? You too Republicans!

Have a great weekend friends! Hugs and kisses.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - December 1, 2011

Guess what? It's Thursday! Can you see the light at the end of the week? Does it look like it's shining through the bottom of a pint glass? Then let's get through this quick as a bunny. Is that a saying? I don't know. Have some jokes.

Good news, people who love history to repeat! China lowered their bank reserve ratio, allowing banks to lend more money out, thus lowering the bar for lenders thus making it easier for people with poor credit ratings to get... oh, I see what you did there, China.

Speaking of money, Israel just released $100million in tax revenue they had been withholding from the Palestinian authority. Way to fight stereotypes, Israel.

Good news! More American children have health insurance than they did a year ago! Bad news. More kids now rely on free school lunches than ever before. Well, at least they have health insurance to treat all the diabetes they're going to get from school lunches.

Hey, technology! NASA is launching an app store! It's like a regular app store, but everything costs $4billion and when the apps crash they can't be relaunched.

Medicine! Doctors in America are studying possible medicinal uses for hallucinogens for treating mental health issues like post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, and an inability to fully appreciate laserlight Pink Floyd shows.

In Christmas news, Rockafeller center welcomed a giant Spruce from Mifflinville, Pennsylvania. So that's how you get out of Mifflinville, Pennsylvania.

In India, a disgruntled snake charmer released dozens of snakes in a local tax office, apparently protesting a tax hike on ridiculous stereotypes. Also, that's some serious dedication to a protest. Pretty sure if the Occupy protesters had a bunch of snakes, the cops would have stayed the hell away.

And finally, AMR, the parent company of American Airlines, filed for bankruptcy protection. The company vowed, however, to make sure the reorganization process in no way prevents them from delaying your flight.

And that ends the jokes. I hope your December gets off to a great start! Come back tomorrow for more Spencer Hicks joy, and I'll see you on Monday.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 30, 2011

Begin coasting now, everyone. It's the middle of the week. Time to not give a damn. Except for jokes. You should always take jokes seriously. Like these, for instance.

Herman Cain said yesterday that due to the latest allegations that he has been having an affair, he will "reassess" his campaign, which likely means he will be looking for a new piece of ass on his campaign staff.

He likes the ladies.

Good news, book fans! Fahrenheit 451, the cautionary tale of technology's power to sap our humanity, is finally out as an eBook. This is great, because I was looking for a way to read great sci-fi literature while still signaling to the world that I in no way understand what I'm reading.

Speaking of not getting it, Miley Cyrus came out in support of the Occupy Wall Street movement. No comment yet from Hannah Montana.

The Gay Softball World Series settled a suit from three players who were banned in 2008 because they were suspected of not being gay. I can't tell if this is a step forward for gay rights or not.

In Connecticut, a pair of wealth fund managers won a $254 million lottery prize this weekend. One of them said, "wow, this would be really exciting if I weren't already so wealthy!"

John Hinckley is petitioning for release from a D.C. mental hospital on the grounds that he's no longer a danger to society as it turns out Reagan is dead and Jodie Foster is a lesbian.

In the UK, a toilet designer is working on urinal video games to "combat boredom" in the bathroom. The first game is "Space Invaders," but it has more to do with people who stand too close to you while you pee. Also, you really should wash your hands after touching the joystick.

And finally, the National Institute of Health in the UK found that patients in admitted to the hospital on the weekend are more likely to die than people admitted during the week. So, plan your heart attacks accordingly.

See, told you it was time to coast. I hope you enjoyed these, and hope you'll check out more tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 29, 2011

Hey, how are you doing? Yes, you specifically. Are you having a great day? Goodness, it's difficult to feign interest. But then again, you're reading this, aren't you? And now for jokes...

Oh happy day! Yesterday US stocks rose on the backs of consumer spending over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend! Yes, we're back on the road to recovery, and all it took was for Americans to go out in droves to purchase things things they don't need and can't possibly afford that were manufactured overseas for a fraction of what they would cost if those same Americans were hired to make them. Yep, that's a totally tenable situation. We'll be just fine.

Speaking of just fine, Newt Gingrich said yesterday that he's not perfect, but he's still better than Mitt Romney. In other news, Newt Gingrich will be marrying your Aunt Helen, because she's tired of waiting for true love and doesn't want to die alone.

In other marriage news, Herman Cain denied having a 13-year extra-marital affair. He was very specific about the 13-year part.

In Kansas, Governor Sam Brownback apologized for his staff's overreaction to tweet sent by a high school student saying that he sucked. He did not apologize for sucking. Nor did he apologize for Whitney, but by God, someone should.

In an interview this week, director Guy Ritchie called his marriage to Madonna a "soap opera," which I'm assuming means it was full of bad acting, just like a Madonna movie.

UCLA's football coach Rick Neuheisel said yesterday that he remains positive after being fired after losing to USC this weekend. An upbeat Neuheisel said, "hey, it could be worse."

"Popular" search site Bing reported that searches for Casey Anthony were more popular than Osama bin Laden this year. So, there you have it. Casey Anthony is more popular that Osama bin Laden. But it was close.

In more Microsoft news, the company announced that the next generation of Kinect controllers will be able to read lips and track finger gestures, which will come in handy when you start shouting profanities at the screen.

And finally, a survey found this week that a record number of young Japanese are single and plan to stay that way, which proves that young Japanese people are the most intolerable people on the planet.

Yep, the science on that checks out. And that's all for today! More tomorrow. Can't stop. Won't stop. Until then, have a great day!

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - November 28, 2011

Vacation's over. Back to work. Happy Monday, or whatever. Did anyone else have to buy new pants this weekend? Anyway, here's some jokes to get your stuffing-filled bellies jiggling.

The Arab League voted to level sanctions against Syria yesterday, making them ineligible for this year's Arab Bowl.

In America, cities are spending millions of dollars to fund police department operations to clear out Occupy Wall Street protest camps while cutting funding to homeless shelters. Wait a minute, I think I just figured out the budget crisis.

New Hampshire's leading conservative newspaper, The Union Leader, called Mitt Romney the "perfect President for the 19th century." A confused Romney thanked The Union Leader for their endorsement.

Speaking of endorsements, The Union Leader actually did endorse Newt Gingrich. Which had nothing to do with the full page ad purchased by Tiffany and Co. on page C-2.

A high school student in Kansas was punished recently for tweeting that she thought Gov. Sam Brownback "sucked." The controversial tweet was seen by the girl's 60 followers, or in Kansas terms: an entire Congressional District. In a related story, the Governor's office contacted the school about the tweet because, as it turns out, the Governor is a big crybaby.

In Florida, three employees of a septic tank company are facing jail time for tricking customers into purchasing a special kind of toilet paper. Add that to the list of Worst Reasons to Go to Jail. I bet they feel pretty... badly about that. Thought I was going to say "shitty," right? Well, not this time.

NBC apologized last week for playing "Lyin' Ass Bitch" during Michele Bachmann's visit to Late Night with Jiummy Fallon, but have remained strangely silent on the issue of Whitney. Come on, NBC. America is waiting.

And finally, Rick Santorum went on the record at Tuesday's debate in support of religious profiling of Muslims by law enforcement. It's part of Santorum's efforts to sew up the bigot vote. Go get 'em, Rick!

And that's the end. More tomorrow, I promise. Until then, have a great day!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 23, 2011

Better late than never? We'll see about that. Here's 1.5 blogs for you.

Hulk Hogan's divorce was finalized today, and his ex-wife managed to get sole custody of their Hulkamania.

President Obama pardoned the White House turkey today, which is good news for other turkeys who are similar prisoners of conscience.

In France, hundreds of protesters blocked a train filled with nuclear waste headed for Germany. Although most of them were just hoping to get super powers.

In the UK over the weekend, the television series Dr. Who accidentally received an award meant for another series. But don't worry, they can just hop in the TARDIS and fix it. Right, nerds?

Newt Gingrich, the new GOP presidential frontrunner, is calling for a "humane" stance on immigration, in the clearest indication yet that he doesn't actually want to be president.

Due to the spread of Facebook and Twitter, sociologists now estimate that each person is separated from every other person by 4.72 people, instead of six, which means that 1.28 people are no longer necessary. I think I just figured out unemployment.

In financial news, Netflix is selling $200 million in bonds. But they're not calling them bonds. But then they are. But they're actually twice as expensive. But then they're not. But at least you can get them on your iPhone.

On the 700 Club, holy roller Pat Robinson caused some trouble this week when he asked if "mac and cheese" was a "black thing." In his defense, however, it should be noted that he's a xenophobic old coot who is out of touch with society and reality.

Herman Cain signed a hard-line pro-life pledge today. Maybe that's not so shocking, considering how he already seems to think he's in control of women's bodies.

Michele Bachmann is demanding an apology from musician Questlove for playing the song "Lyin' Ass Bitch" when Bachmann appeared on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. I don't know. Makes sense considering her performance in the debate last night.

Legendary stylist Guido Palau said in an interview this week that Kim Kardashian is "our generation's Marilyn Monroe." Kim, you might want to think twice if Guido offers you any pills.

And finally, astronomers and biologists ranked the livability of earth-like planets located in other solar systems. They examined the planets in terms of gravity, distance from their suns, and proximity to Starbucks.

And that's all! See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 22, 2011

You know how sometimes you forget that it's Monday? Well, that's what I did yesterday. It was pretty awesome. I suggest you try it sometime. And now back to jokes.

Scandal in the GOP presidential race! Mitt Romney admitted that he drank beer and tried cigarettes when he was younger. Well, that explains why he's losing. Apparently he never watched the ABC Afterschool Specials.

In related GOP news, the newly resurgent Newt Gingrich, who now leads in primary polls, said he sees himself as Washington's "Braveheart." I'm guessing Newt didn't finish watching that movie.

The congressional "super committee" charged with reducing the deficit by $1.2 trillion over the next ten years worked through the weekend on an elusive budget compromise. Because it just takes one great all-nighter to wipe away decades of entrenched partisan dogma and animosity.

Or not. The super committee announced yesterday that they have failed to reach a deficit-reduction deal. Assuming that the average salary for a member of Congress is $174,000 and that they spend an average of 175 days actually working each year, that means we paid the 12 members of the super committee nearly $24,000 to not come up with a solution to the deficit crisis. That's $24,000 that we will have to borrow from China. To not reach a solution. That means we'd have been better off buying them all dinner and sending them to the premier of Twilight: Breaking Dawn. Not only would that have put money back into local economies, it would have shown Congress that we're serious. Either do your job, or we'll make you watch a shitty movie like Twilight again.

In a related story, Congress is so unpopular with Americans that they're attempting to rehabilitate the public image of Congress by having a puppy-eating contest. That's pretty unpopular, right? If eating puppies will make them more popular. Okay.

China announced they will be sending a pair of Pandas to Edinburgh. It's part of a plan to see how Pandas handle alcoholism, unemployment and methadone withdrawal.

Global financial markets fell again yesterday as investors realized the same people were in charge that were in charge three years ago.

Iran raised eyebrows this week when representatives pulled out of the Nuke-free Mideast talks when they realized the purpose of the talks wasn't to bring nukes to the Middle east.

Popstar and cultural icon Lady Gaga is set to receive the LGBT "Hero" honor, which guarantees that she will be remembered in perpetuity through drag shows in poorly-lit bars.

An international health study found that 40% of the world does not have access to a toilet, which means they've never been to Boston. BOOM! Take that, Boston!

And finally, a judge in the UK ordered members of the press to stay away from Hugh Grant's new baby and her mother, saying that journalists should "treat them like you would a story on AIDS research or financial reforms."

Okay, that's all. Hope you enjoyed this super-sized edition. Maybe I'll do it again tomorrow. Or maybe I'll forget. Who can tell!? Okay, until whenever, have a great day!

Friday, November 18, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: Attack of the sloth

Hello friends! So, I haven't been keeping up with this like I should. It's due in part to my lazy, forgetful nature. I hope you can forgive me. Anywho, let's get to the jokes!

Police around the country are cracking down on the Occupy movement. Arresting protesters at an astonishing pace. But remember, corporations are people... poor people are not.

CNN.com has a touching story about the fiance of a fallen Iraq soldier who is now enlisting in the military. Hollywood is already optioning the story.

Porn star Sasha Grey read to a group of 3rd graders in LA recently. People were outraged that a porn star knew how to read.

After reading to the kids Sasha said they gave her some excellent tips on new sexual positions.

Speaking of pornography: A European airline is considering adding pornography to their in-flight entertainment. Now passengers will have a use for the baggies in the seatback pockets. The blankets are still free, but you have to pay $100 dollars to get into the restroom.

A new study shows that smaller packs of cigarette's help smoker's to quit. In other news, I can now be used to help nymphomaniacs quit.

The DEA recently found a sophisticated drug smuggling tunnel between Mexico and the U.S. They then embarrassingly realized they were on the set of Weeds.

Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend and come back soon, ya hear.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - November 17, 2011

Hi, everyone! Hope you're having a wonderful time of day. Or night. Oh, the beauty of asynchronous media! Well, whatever. I hope you didn't wait too long to read these jokes, because it's topical humor. Well, judge for yourself.

The young woman who filed a paternity suit against Justin Bieber has called off the suit before trial. So, she finally learned the importance of pulling out early.

In a statement released this week, PETA claimed that Super Mario, the popular video game character, is "pro-fur." However, in Mario's defense, it's important to remember that he isn't real.

Speaking of real, People magazine named Bradley Cooper this year's Sexiest Man Alive. Still waiting for them to name the Sexiest Dead Man, though.

Speaking of dead men, Ricky Gervais will host the Golden Globes award show again next year. Apparently the Golden Globes is run by amnesiacs.

This just in: Glendale, California, is banning fake grass. No word on fake breasts.

Speaking of breasts, television star Sofia Vergara revealed yesterday that her former publicist told her to get breast reduction surgery. It is worth noting that her publicist really liked having a challenge.

In order to keep its stock price afloat, LinkedIn will sell 8 million shares. And I'm sure we will each get a notification email for each share sold.

I get a lot of LinkedIn emails, people.

And finally, Congress' approval rating has sunk to 9%. The BP oil spill has an approval rating of 16%. If this keeps up much longer, Congress may have to run against Mitt Romney. That seems to raise everyone's approval among voters.

I kind of feel badly for Mitt Romney. Then I remember he made his money by selling American jobs overseas. So screw that guy.

And that's how I'll end my time this week. Spencer will bring you joy tomorrow,

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 16, 2011

Hey, friends! What a wonderful day for a blog. I've got a great feeling about this one, let's see if it pans out.

Microsoft announced that the new Windows 8 will require fewer annoying updates and restarts, but will still be compatible with all your favorite Windows 7 viruses.

In Pennsylvania, former coach and alleged human Jerry Sandusky claimed that he did shower with several young boys, but that they were just "horsing around." Great. So now we have to be worried about what he's been doing with horses.

In other Sandusky news, sources revealed yesterday that his lawyer once impregnated a 17 year old girl who was also his client at the time. Well, here's to hoping he still screws his clients.

A medical study released this week indicates that singing actually has health benefits, which explains why Ozzy is still alive.

In China, two young girls were rescued from a fairground ride where they were trapped, upside down, for several hours. But it's okay, the girls were able to keep working the entire time.

In America, sources close to Kris Humphries are saying that he is now ready to sign the divorce papers, ending his marriage to Kim Kardashian. Apparently he refused to sign until yesterday, when he finally learned how to write his name.

Remember Jesse James? World class douchebag that cheated on Sandra Bullock with Kat Von D, then cheated on her? Apparently he still has friends, who are now begging him to seek treatment for sex addiction. In a related story, I'm begging the women of America to STOP HAVING SEX WITH JESSE JAMES!

And finally, the creator of AMC's Mad Men said yesterday that he plans to have the series end in present times, with Don Draper getting old. Well, if the barometer is whether or not Don Draper is getting old, then I'd say the show ended two seasons ago. BOOM! Take that, you critically-lauded and pretty awesome show!

And there you have it. I feel like we've grown together, or at least groaned together. Yep. Going out on a pun. Have a great day!

Monday, November 14, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 15, 2011

What's got eight jokes and 250 posts? This blog. Read below to see how this momentous occasion is utterly indistinguishable from the other 249 posts.

Let's go international, why don't we? Yesterday the King of Jordan, when asked about Syrian president Bashar's recent crackdown on his people, said "I would step down." He then added, "but I'm also not a paranoid psychotic, so take that with a grain of salt."

The NBA players association rejected the league's most recent contract offer and threatened to disband the players' union. Wow. It's a good thing they all got solid college educations so they can find a fallback career. Or at least go to the Occupy Wall Street protests and complain about not having jobs.

Jersey Shore star JWOWW tweeted this weekend that she was singled out unfairly for extra inspection by TSA agents on a recent trip. She was upset by the unnecessary pat down, mainly because she was neither drunk nor at the club when it happened.

Speaking of cultural touchstones, a literary museum is raising money to purchase and publish a "lost" manuscript by Charlotte Bronte. In a related story, high school English students are raising money to purchase and burn the same manuscript.

A survey found that one-third of American adults have ended a relationship through Facebook, text messaging and email, which means we need to be more clear about the meaning of the word "adult."

Speaking of crappy adults, former Penn State albatross Jerry Sandusky said yesterday that he is not a pedophile, but admitted to showering with young boys. In a related story, Jerry Sandusky may not know what the word "pedophile" actually means.

In European news, the new Greek Prime Minister Lucas Papademos says the country can be saved, but needs to implement a new economic program that will improve competitiveness. So, to sum up: Greece *can* be saved, but it *won't* be saved. Good try, L-Pap.

And finally, recent polling revealed that Newt Gingrich is tied with Mitt Romney for the lead in the Republican presidential primary! In a related story, that one vein on Romney's head keeps getting bigger.

Well, that's all. Until tomorrow, that is. And until then, have a great day!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - November 14, 2011

Good morning, good Monday, and good to see you. I've got a great blog for you today, in theory. I'm actually writing this introduction before the jokes, so maybe all this lofty rhetoric will come to naught. Or maybe not. I'm excited to find out. Anyone else?

An email leaked from CBS news saying that due to Bachmann's 4% rating in GOP polls, the network would not be spending any time covering her performance at the debate this weekend. While this is bad news for Bachmann, she can still count on a bump from her feature profile in Crazy Eyes Digest.

Speaking of crazy eyes, comic book creator Frank Miller posted on his blog last week that the Occupy Wall Street protesters were nothing but "louts, thieves, and rapists." Upon hearing this, Mark Millar said "hey, that would make a great comic." Anybody? Okay.

In other adaptation news, 100,000 copies of the new Atlas Shrugged DVD went out with a mistake on the sleeve. The description of the film called it a tale of "courage and self-sacrifice," instead of "courage and self-interest." But the most unbelievable part of this is that someone actually thought they could sell 100,000 copies of this thing.

More errors to talk about now. Bill O'Reilly's new book about the Lincoln assassination has been banned from National Parks bookstores because a reviewer found over four pages of factual errors in the book. The most egregious error was O'Reilly's assertion that the plot was funded by Hillary Clinton.

In St. Augstine, Florida, a couple returned home to find that their dog had eaten en envelope with $1000 cash inside. What's really remarkable is that only $900 came out the other end, which is a better return on investment than your 401(K) had last year.

Actress Zoe Saldana just split up with her long-time fiance, which is great news for nerds who feel guilty about masturbating to women in committed relationships.

In Italy, economist and politician Mario Monti assumed the role of Prime Minister, and set about bringing together a new cabinet and coalition government. First order of business: close down the Department of Hookers.

And finally, Wal-Mart announced that it will begin it's "Black Friday" post-Thanksgiving sales at 10pm on Thanksgiving night, which is great news for families who are sick of talking to each other.

And that's all. Did it live up to the hype? I can't tell any more. Anyway, that's all for now. Bring it on back tomorrow for more. Till then, have a great day!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - November 10, 2011

This is your Thursday. MAKE SOME NOISE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or not, actually. I really enjoy hearing you all scream at your computers, but I need to get some sleep. So while I do that, enjoy these jokes. Handcrafted with choice barley and hops:

In philathropy news, Justin Bieber will be giving up his snake to a stranger as part of a charity auction, which sounds like the basis for another paternity suit.

Snooki said this week that the Jersey Shore is better than Italy. And Italy breathed a sigh of relief.

Eddie Murphy quit the Oscars, following the exit of producer Brett Ratner from the ceremony on Tuesday. Murphy said he won't work with anyone else, which explains why he doesn't make good movies any more.

President Obama, in a money-saving measure, ordered government agencies to cut back on branded trinkets, meaning that now you'll no longer be able to get the "I Was Illegally Tortured at a CIA Black Site Prison and All I Got was this Lousy Shirt" shirts. Tough break.

Morgan Freeman earned the Cecile B. DeMille lifetime achievement award from the Golden Globes, and he can't wait to celebrate with some extra-marital sex. Go get 'em, Morgan!

International soccer authority Fifa will allow UK teams to adorn their uniforms with poppies this week in honor of the WWI armistice. German teams will be allowed to mark the occasion with crippling reparations and disarmament.

Authorities responded to a three-alarm fire at Skywalker Ranch yesterday. It was actually only a one alarm fire, but Lucas went back afterward and added in two additional alarms, and Boba Fett. Sadly, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru were lost in the blaze.

And lastly, at Wednesday's GOP debate, Governor Rick Perry said... wait, what was I going to write? Oh, this is embarrassing.

And that's the end. Come back for Spencer tomorrow, and I'll see you on Monday. Till then, have a series of great days!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 9, 2011

Hey, how is everyone? Keep in mind that if you shout at your computer really, really loudly, I can actually hear you. But only if it's very early in the morning and other people in the house are trying to sleep. So... there's that. And here's some jokes.

Broadway director Julie Taymor said yesterday that she is suing the producers of Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark for depriving her of her share of the show's royalties and violating her creative rights by forcing her out of the production. The producers offered her a chance to share in the production, however, saying they'd be happy to break her legs. Seems fair.

Stereotypical Hollywood douchebag Brett Ratner stepped down from his role as producer of the Oscar ceremony after he used a gay slur while promoting The Tower Heist. Ratner apologized for the remark, as well as for unintentionally linking the gay community to one of his shitty movies.

In other douchebags-stepping-down news, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi announced he will be resigning this week to devote himself to his first love: hookers.

Human Pez-dispenser Michelle Duggar is expecting her 20th child with husband Jim Bob. Or so she says... But seriously, enough people have passed through her uterus that it now qualifies as a flop house.

In an unrelated story, scream-rockers Linkin Park are partnering with the United Nations, for some reason, in order to provide clean energy to Haitian families impacted by the earthquake. Initially, the families refused to accept the assistance until they were assured that it in no way required them to enjoy the music of Linkin Park.

Yesterday in Blackmon-Leoni Township, Michigan, police caught a six-foot alligator near the Pathway Community Church. So in case Joe Paterno asks, that's what you're supposed to do when you see a six-foot predator on the prowl.

Actor and beard-enthusiast Matthew Fox demanded his trial for punching a bus driver go to a full jury. He'd better hope they didn't watch the LOST finale.

And finally, the White House issued an official statement yesterday denying that the administration has had any contact with aliens. Sure, that's what they say, but until I see a birth certificate, there's no way you're going to convince me James Carville is human.

Whew. That was a lot to get through. If you made it this far, you deserve a treat. So, here you go:

More tomorrow! Till then, have a great day and keep shouting at your computer!

Monday, November 7, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 8, 2011

Good morning, friends and strangers! And good morning to my stranger friends. You know who you are. But who am I to judge? After all, I wrote these ridiculous jokes, which you're about to read. Enjoy!

In a disturbing new trend, some parents have begun sending lollipops laced with chicken pox to other parents, to spread the virus to uninfected children. Rick Perry has vetoed a similar plan in Texas to distribute the HPV vaccine.

Also in Texas, a man went on trial yesterday for allegedly trying to sneak out of the country to join Al Qaida. He faces 25 years in prison for attempting to aid the enemy, and an additional two weeks of grounding for sneaking out after curfew.

A study released this month revealed that approximately half of US students in grades 7 - 12 face sexual harassment while the rest are ugly.

Speaking of harassment, yet another woman has released details of an alleged unwanted sexual advance from Herman Cain. It's amazing that he keeps trying, considering how many times he gets rejected. It's like he's the Ron Paul of sexual harassment.

In Arizona, Prince Harry surprised diners in the small town of Gila, when he stopped in for lunch with friends from his military unit. He was then ejected from the state for being an alien. Looks like it isn't a racist law after all.

At Harvard, students in an economics class staged a protest walk out this week, because they felt their professor favored the rich over the poor. In a related story, teachers in the English department said "see, everyone: that's irony." They then went back to studying how to be unemployable.

International inspectors said this month that Iran is about to go nuclear. They first suspected it when, during a recent inspection, they found scientists reading copies of Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret, and I've Got a Bunch of Enriched Uranium.

And finally, the Greek Prime Minister resigned this week, ending his government. The Greek Parliament said they will now form a new government, and they plan to deal with the debt crisis by not answering the old government's phone or email.

And that's it. Enjoy the rest of your day, weirdos. See you tomorrow! Till then, have a great day.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - November 7, 2011

Good morning! How's your coffee? Or whatever beverage you have. That was presumptuous of me. It might be orange juice. Or maybe you can't make up your mind, and just pour your orange juice right into the coffee pot. I've had worse. Seriously, splash a little soy milk in there... and I've said too much. Starbucks has spies everywhere! And we've got jokes right here. Enjoy them with the beverage(s) of your choice.

Last week, shares of the daily deal company Goupon were heavily traded, largely because of the two-for-one deal they sent out on Friday morning.

In more Internet "news," the CIA revealed it has agents tracking up to 5 million suspicious tweets per day. They don't participate in "Follow Fridays," but they're pretty big on "Rendition Mondays."

Singer and Canadian phenom Justin Bieber denied a recent claim that he fathered a child out of wedlock. It's ridiculous, because everyone knows Bieber only does anal.

Speaking of buttholes, author Salman Rushdie tweeted a limerick last week mocking Kim Kardashian's divorce, leading many to wonder when Salman Rushdie started working for Perez Hilton? Come to think of it, have they ever been photographed together? I'm going to go ahead and say it now: Salman Rushdie and Perez Hilton are the same person.

Fact: the Kardashian-Humphries marriage lasted only ten weeks, disappointing friends, family and fans of the young couple. On the other hand, if NBC's Whitney were to end after only ten weeks, no one would be upset. At all.

Singer-songwriter Sinead O'Connor offered some showbiz advice to her daughter in a recent interview. She said, above all, stay true to yourself, believe in your talent, and try not to tear up pictures of the Pope. Apparently that really pisses people off.

In business news, Russian and Chinese companies were found to be the most likely to pay bribes when doing business in other countries, according to a report issued last week by the Vaguely Racist Institute.

And finally, Herman Cain said this weekend that he was putting the drama of last week behind him, and is now 100% back on message. And that message is "come over here and sit on my lap."

How about that? Good enough for a Monday? Damn well better be. Just wait until you see what Tuesday is gonna be like! Till then, have a great day!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - November 3, 2011

Guess what day it is? IT'S SKETCH DAY! Because I'm tired and I got a late start writing the blog. So here's a thing we did five years ago. FIVE YEARS?! Goodness, that was a long time ago. In the present, though, you can come see me tonight at the Happy Sounds Comedy Show at Creek and Cave in Queens! Show starts at 8pm, and it's free. So, there you go. Spencer will make you laugh tomorrow, and I'll be back Monday. Till then, hope all your days are great!


Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 2, 2011

Hey, everyone! It's Wednesday, which means you're as far from the last weekend as you are from the next. It's like purgatory, except it makes sense. Speaking of making sense, I'll be performing Thursday at the Happy Sounds Comedy Show, 8pm at the Creek and Cave in Queens. If you're in the area, come on out! It's free, for crying out loud. Also free: these jokes.

Arizona authorities busted up a drug ring worth $33million per month because they found out the cartel was using undocumented laborers.

In Japan, the Prime Minister recently drank water from puddles at the Fukushima nuclear reactor to show it was safe. He did it because journalists dared him to. That's also the reason why he was eating worms at a press conference yesterday.

Pizza-man and presidential hopeful Herman Cain denounced the sexual harassment charges against him, calling them a "witch hunt." Christine O'Donnell immediately went into hiding. Because she's a witch.

Relativity Media is shooting a film in the Chinese province of Shandong, despite the fact that Chinese authorities are holding a blind human rights activist under house arrest there. Said a spokesman for the company, "that's okay, he wasn't going to see our movie anyway."

In England, Apple fired an employee for making a disparaging Facebook post about the company, but really it's because he did it using a Blackberry.

Caving in to pressure from customers, Bank of America is cancelling their proposed $5/month debit card fee. Instead, they'll just go back to selling mortgage-backed securities. Everyone wins!

Actress and trainwreck Megan Fox is set to make her Broadway debut this month. Any chance she could join Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark?

Speaking of S-M:TOtD, the musical is about to lose two of its original performers. Careful, you two. I've seen enough Vietnam movies to know it's always the short-timers that get it.

Okay, that's gotta do it for today. Dig deep everyone, and have a great day! I'll see you tomorrow.

Metaphorically, of course. I can't actually see any of you. So you should feel free to continue reading my blog on the toilet in the morning. Nobody can see you but God. Well, that's enough. Bye!

Monday, October 31, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 1, 2011

How's your sugar hangover? A little hair of the pixie that bit ya would help. Keep the sugar flowing! Also flowing, some mad sick jokes, yo.

GOP presidential hopeful Herman Cain was accused of sexual harassment recently. This could be because he patterned his behavior toward women after Leisure Suit Larry.

Comedian and television host Bill O'Reilly is writing two more books, just in case you were having trouble distinguishing which of your neighbors are douchebags.

There are now seven billion humans, which means that 7.71428571 × 10-9 percent of the Earth read my blog yesterday! WAHOO!

Andrew Madoff, son of world-class asshole Bernie Madoff, said the week that he never once suspected his father of running a Ponzi scheme. In a related story, Andrew Madoff has been cheated on by every woman he's ever dated.

A new economic report found that the world is "on verge of a new recession." This report was issued by the Institute of Stuff We Knew a Year Ago.

During the eulogy for the late Steve Jobs, his sister said "death didn't happen to Steve, he achieved it." I've never been so happy to be an underachiever.

A Spanish village is divided over whether or not to keep the "Smurf" makeover it received as part of the international promotion for the recent Smurfs film. Half of the residents want to keep the Smurfiness, while the other half aren't socially awkward children from 1984.

And finally, Jackass "star" Bam Margera's Porsche was sidewsiped recently, doing significant damage to the sports car and shaking up Margera. This is an awesome story until you realize that Bam Margera has a Porsche, and (probably) not syphilis. So, that's one more point against Karma.

Okay, that's all for me today. If you celebrate it, have a happy (?) Day of the Dead. And if not, maybe go home and watch Day of the Dead. It's a pretty sweet little movie. Otherwise, I'll see you again tomorrow for more timely hijinks. Until then, have a great day!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - October 31, 2011

Happy Halloween, everyone! Here's some tips and history for your enjoyment of this most presently happening holiday.

1. Having a Jack-o-Lantern in your car does not qualify you for the carpool lane. You need a scarecrow for that.

2. No one has ever put razorblades into apples and handed them out to trick or treaters. That's just an urban legend. But it's as good a reason as any to not eat those stupid apples.

3. Are you afraid that people won't think you're cool if you wear a costume? Relax! If you're worried about that, you're probably not cool, and people can tell. So put on a costume, loser.

4. Halloween can be traced back to ancient Ireland as a Celtic festival celebrating women dressed as slutty druids.

5. Candy corn is chemically identical to LSD.

6. Never rent a costume that has a tear in the crotch. Just trust me on that.

7. If you go bobbing for apples, it's like you're swapping spit with everyone else at the party. So you might as well go ahead and make out with everyone.

8. When you teepee a house, remember to use clean toilet paper.

That's it! Now you're ready for awesome, ghost-banishing fun! See you tomorrow! Till then, have a spooky day!

Friday, October 28, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: I'm starting a Cult.

Hey, give it up for Seth Joseph! Very funny man. He will be selling CD's after the show. They are just regular CD's though. His music collection is mostly digital now.

Donald Trump predicted fanning the "birther" flames is a "positive thing" for Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry. Welp, there ya have it Perry. The keys to the White House from the dude that dropped out because "fanning the birther flames" didn't work.

Trump also recently mentioned that the Occupy Wall Street movement was "cool." Nice, Trump is trying the old, "if your parents think it's cool, then it's nice" trick.

In a recent interview with EW.com, Steven Spielberg defended worst scenes in 'Indiana Jones 4. He also mentioned that fanning the "birther" flames would be a positive thing for Rick Perry.

One of the best shows on TV, Modern Family, just announced that comedian Kevin Hart will be playing the role of a new neighbor. As is often said when black people move in, "It was good while it lasted."

Exxon Mobil reported quarterly earnings of $10.3 billion on Thursday, a surge of 41% from a year earlier. That should shut those Occupy Wall Street people up!

A father accused of decapitating his son was ruled unfit for trial. But the judge ruled that he WAS fit to work at Arby's. This judge loves the thinly sliced roast beef.

I'm going to end on that morbid note. Now, please welcome back to the stage, SETH JOSEPH!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - October 27, 2011

Hi, everybody! Are you ready for Thursday? I damn sure am. Each Thursday brings us one week closer to the eventual cancellation of Whitney, so let's keep plugging along. I can't wait until I'm successful enough to have an awful show, too. Then finally me and Denis Leary will have something in common. Okay, enough snark. What is this, the Internet? Alright, let's see what's funny today that we won't give a crap about on Monday.

Bernie Madoff's wife revealed yesterday that after his arrest for stealing billions of dollars in a ponzi scheme, she and her husband tried to commit suicide. Well, thanks Bernie. Your association with it has finally removed any chance that anyone would ever think suicide is cool.

Speaking of sad times, reports are coming out about catastrophic morale problems among employees at Yahoo.com. The problem is worst for those employees who realize that they still work for Yahoo.com.

In entertainment news, Warner Bros will not be licensing its movies to Blockbuster for rental. Instead they will be opting for a plan where audiences are actually able to see the films.

A Federal judge in San Francisco just dismissed a class action suit against Yelp.com. Well, I know one judge who's yelp.com page is going to get some seriously great reviews.

In more legal news, family members of slain sociopath Moamar Gaddhafi (sp?) are planning to sue NATO for causing his recent death. They are going to be disappointed when they find out they don't control the courts any more. Also, Conrad Murray's legal team will be representing them.

Yesterday President Obama announced a plan to offer relief to those struggling with student loan debt. It's all part of his "hey, young people: remember when you used to like me? Come on, wouldn't it be fun to vote for me again?" campaign.

A study of population growth found that the population of the United Kingdom could reach 70m by 2027. Look out developing world, sounds like the Queen is about to get all colony-happy again.

And lastly, the Chinese government will be instituting new rules to curbing "overly entertaining" television programming from and inspired by the west, as the central government fears the population is becoming too devoted and preoccupied with entertaining television shows. NBC China will remain unchanged.

That's all! Spencer brings you jokes tomorrow, and I'll be back on Monday. Till then, follow me on twitter @SoonerSeth, keep reading the Late Night Morning and may your days always be great!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 26, 2011

Hey, guess what. I got a new computer. Hooray. Now I can more easily type "smartphone." And jokes. Let's do this.

Netflix lost over 800K subscribers in the last three months as users realized that they could still steal movies.

In Turkey, an aftershock from the recent earthquake set off a riot at a Turkish prison. Fortunately, prison officials were able to get the inmates back under control in time for the evening torture.

Speaking of torture, MTV is planning to make a reality show at the Occupy Wall Street protests in New York. Either someone at MTV has a superhuman sense of irony, or they are all morons.

In romantic news, Tara Reid said yesterday that her recent marriage was fake. You know, like breasts.

A single mother of four in England faces jail time for biting her boyfriend's testicles in a drunken fight, although we may have zeroed in on why this catch is still single. Take note, ladies: it's hard out there for a single mom. Especially when she keeps biting people's testicles.

Russian President (or Prime Minister, I can't remember which he is today) Medvedev recently took to his blog to promote the sport of badminton. Congratulations, Dimitry: you just made gawker.com seem worthwhile.

Also, Medvedev is touting badminton as a sport for those "seeking success." Although it is worth noting that in Russian "seeking success" also translates as "wanting to live in the shadow of a megalomaniacal autocrat." It's a beautiful language.

And lastly, the Center for Disease Control now recommends the HPV vaccine for 11 year-old boys, and thus ends any hope for the CDC to win the GOP presidential nomination.

That's it! I've gotta go update my iTunes. See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 25, 2011

It's day two of my epic struggle with my laptop, and I'm finally getting the hang of this whole smartphone typing thing. For instance, it only took me three tries to type the word "smartphone." Yay. Here's some jokes.

The former king of Romania, King Michael I, addressed the country's parliament for the first time since he abdicated in 1947. In a related story, no one gives a damn when you visit the Waffle House you got fired from in high school.

Eddie Murphy talked yesterday about how nervous he is to host next year's Oscars. He's worried about living up to the historic quality of the ceremony, because he's apparently never seen it.

President Obama visited Los Angeles yesterday, bringing rush hour traffic to a total standstill. Or as locals call it: traffic.

The New Jersey city of West New York will be hosting a Grand Prix event next year. It's a departure from the normal experience of driving like hell to get a far away from West New York as possible.

This week a judge finalized the divorce between Christina Milian and songwriter/producer The-Dream. The marriage was doomed as soon as Milian learned that yes, he was totally serious about being called The-Dream.

A man flying from Los Angeles to Portland inadvertently packed a loaded gun in his carry-on baggage. TSA screeners didn't spot it, strangely enough, because the gun wasn't a Muslim.

A personal trainer recently set out to gain 70 pounds of fat to better understand his clients and the challenges they face. Lucky for him he's not a rape crisis counselor.

And finally, Rick Perry now says he doesn't know if President Obama's birth certificate is real or not. So that's one more thing that President Obama's birth certificate has in common with science.

Okay, that's the end. More tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - October 24, 2011

I'm writing this on my phone due to a disagreement between me and my computer. You can guess how that is going. As such, there will be no banter today. It's a sad affair, I know. Well, we soldier on. With jokes!

Yesterday, Broncos quarterback and mega-Christian Tim Tebow rallied the Broncos to a narrow victory over the Dolphins, proving once again that God hates Miami.

John Mayer is recovering from throat surgery. Since he can't talk, and he gave up Twitter, he's been forced to convey his douche baggy-ness through handwritten letters. Much classier.

Ron Paul wants to end Federal student loan assistance, because it puts young people into debt, which is something the private sector can do much more efficiently.

Ryan Reynolds just turned 35, meaning his days as a Hollywood sex symbol are almost over. Wait, no, he's not a woman. False alarm.

Rupert Murdoch is set to address the NewsCorp shareholders meeting, and insiders are expecting some serious arguments and drama, based on the notes they've managed to download from his computer.

Halloween is coming up, and the most popular costume for women is "Pregnant Bella" from the Twilight novels. For a cheaper version, stuff a pillow under your shirt, sprinkle glitter in your crotch, and start dating a sad little emo douche bag.

The final Old Time Radio convention was held for golden age radio enthusiasts. The convention has been discontinued due to a lack of interest. The cancellation was announced via telegraph.

And finally, NBC Sports is relocating from New York City to Connecticut, presumably to take advantage of the great tax breaks for failure.

And that it's all. See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!

Friday, October 21, 2011

Fridays with Spencer: Speed Horse!

Hello friends. How bout this weather? How is your sports team doing? Oh, very nice. Have you lost weight? You look good. I would kill for your figure. Literally. I would murders someone to have your look. Do you know who I need to kill? Just give me a name, I'll let Google take it from there. Seriously, someone is about to give their life, just so I can stop eating Activia for breakfast.

Muhaboroda Gahdafi/Gadaffi was yesterday. And yet the world is still less safe then when we had W and the GOP on the watch. Damn you Obama, you just can't win.

Presidential contender Herman Cain, said he "grew up 'po'. He was so poor he couldn't even afford the "O" and "R" to create a word.

Rapper MC Hammer is starting his own search engine. It's to be called, "WireDoo" and unlike Google, it won't have any results about how terrible his music was.

Goldman Sachs has set aside $10 billion for staff pay so far this year, or roughly $292,000 per employee. In protest the Occupy Wall Street people took turns pooping and showering in the restrooms of small business.

Ford now has a feature where the car will read your texts to you. David Hasselhoff has been seen texting himself as he solves crimes.

"Rush Hour" star Chris Tucker's $6 million Florida mansion is in foreclosure, with more than $4.4 million owed to the bank, reports the Orlando Sentinel. You can take the house, but NEVER touch a black mans stereo.

OK, that last one was lame. Sorry. Thanks for reading and have a great weekend! Kisses.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - October 20, 2011

Let's make Thursday awesome, okay? OKAY!

Arnold Schwarzenegger is back to acting again. Let's see if he can act like someone who makes good decisions.

Hallmark just added job loss cards to its line of products. Well, at least someone got a job out of it.

In television news, Monday's GOP debate drew more viewers than NBC's The Biggest Loser, so don't be surprised if Anna Kournikova has to spend all of next week's episode defending her ridiculous flat-tax proposal.

Leonard Cohen is set to release a new album this year because "people are too happy these days."

Social Security recipients will get a 3.6% raise next year, which means the GDP of Florida is about to skyrocket.

A Chinese school was recently ordered to stop forcing poorly-behaved students to wear green scarves as punishment. Instead, they'll go back to the old system: sending the kids to America.

Herman Cain said yesterday that he could see a situation where he would need to negotiate with terrorists. Yeah, we know. The Tea Party loves you.

And lastly, George Clooney said this week that he won't run for office. Too bad. Just imagine what kind of tail he could get if he... oh, right. Never mind, George.

And that's what I'm closing with. Maybe Spencer has something better for you tomorrow? Yeah, probably so. And I'll be back on Monday! Till then, have a great day.