Happy Halloween, everyone! Here's some tips and history for your enjoyment of this most presently happening holiday.
1. Having a Jack-o-Lantern in your car does not qualify you for the carpool lane. You need a scarecrow for that.
2. No one has ever put razorblades into apples and handed them out to trick or treaters. That's just an urban legend. But it's as good a reason as any to not eat those stupid apples.
3. Are you afraid that people won't think you're cool if you wear a costume? Relax! If you're worried about that, you're probably not cool, and people can tell. So put on a costume, loser.
4. Halloween can be traced back to ancient Ireland as a Celtic festival celebrating women dressed as slutty druids.
5. Candy corn is chemically identical to LSD.
6. Never rent a costume that has a tear in the crotch. Just trust me on that.
7. If you go bobbing for apples, it's like you're swapping spit with everyone else at the party. So you might as well go ahead and make out with everyone.
8. When you teepee a house, remember to use clean toilet paper.
That's it! Now you're ready for awesome, ghost-banishing fun! See you tomorrow! Till then, have a spooky day!
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