Monday Morning Monologue - May 21, 2012

Did anyone see the eclipse yesterday? Better than Breaking Dawn, am I right? Oh, that was bad. Okay, the rest of this will probably be better. Fingers crossed!

Blind Chinese activist Chen Guangcheng made it to America this weekend, spending Sunday in New York. However, sources close to the dissident said he was rethinking his new home after a chance encounter with Donald Trump.

Pakistan censored Twitter on Saturday over posts about the "Everybody Draw Muhammad Day" contest, saying it was blasphemous and disruptive to society. But you can still watch "Call Me Maybe" on youtube.

This weekend, the NAACP came out in favor of marriage equality after realizing "oh, yeah, civil rights! Forgot about that. Sorry!"

In a speech at the NATO conference in Chicago this weekend, Francoise Hollande calmed international concerns over NATO's proposed missile defense shield when he reminded the world that there's no way the thing will ever work.

The National Weather Service tracked the impressive buildup and precipitous weakening of Tropical Storm Alberto this weekend off the coast of South Carolina. Looks like it should have been called "Tropical Storm Newt Gingrich!" BOOM! Only four months late!

Speaking of elections, third-party Americans Elect won a spot on the 2012 Oregon presidential ballot, but they have no candidate, which puts them ahead of the GOP. BOOM! Romney's a stuffed shirt!

Google's Executive Chairman Eric Schmidt told graduates at Boston College to turn off their screens for one hour and look into the eyes of the person they love. Bad news for the unloved losers! Also, a good way to scare someone away is to stare into their eyes for an hour each day, especially if your loved one is a chimpanzee, as they interpret that as a sign of aggression and will rip your arms off.

And finally, Maria Sharapova won the Italian Open this weekend, or some other tennis thing, making it totally justifiable and not at all creepy to look at pictures of her on the Internet. Stare at that for an hour, Boston College.

...and, SCENE! Till tomorrow, friends.

Monday Morning Monologue - May 7, 2012

Did you see the supermoon this weekend? Unfortunately I missed it, as I for some reason assumed it was in reference to J.Lo’s ass. That’s what you get when you assume. Anyway, that’s all the banter I have in my heart. Oh, except to say that I called off this past week’s podcast, as it got really dark and creepy. And I prefer to keep things light and creepy. We’ll try it again this week. In the meantime, get your USDA recommended dose of topical humor.

In Sandford, Florida, lawyers for George Zimmerman called for calm before the trial, saying “let’s not prejudge anyone.” Right, because that’s how this mess got started in the first place.

In France, an obviously confused electorate voted into office Francois Hollande, a suspected socialist. He’s suspected of being a socialist as he was running on the Socialist ticket. Very sneaky... No word yet on his Kenyanisity.

In confused American politics, Senator John McCain told Mitt Romney that his Vice Presidential pick should be “someone you trust.” John McCain from 2008 then replied “sorry, what was that?”

Rapper/Father Jay-Z said this weekend that his daughter Blue Ivy may be the “worst, spoiled little kid ever.” And that’s coming from a guy who knows Kanye West.

In sadder musical news, Adam Yauch, AKA MCA of the Beastie Boys, passed away on Friday. This weekend, Madonna said that MCA was one of a kind and important to her musical history. She said this because she was not close enough to literally spit on his grave.

At London’s Heathrow Airport, U.K. Border Force failed to meet processing time targets for arrivals last month. That’s probably because of United.

Korean pop star Kim Hyun-joong plans to kick off his next tour by high-fiving all 3,000 fans expected at his first show in Singapore, making his hand “Patient Zero” for the next flu epidemic.

The 1927 film Wings, the first movie to win the Oscar for Best Picture, is back in theaters! And now, of course, it’s in 3-D.

And finally, the United Nations has imposed sanctions on three North Korean state-owned companies after the failed rocket test last month. Hopefully, they blacklisted the companies that built the rocket. Those guys suck.

That’s all! See you tomorrow!

Monday Morning Monologue - April 23, 2012

Oh, boy. Monday. Nothing like it. And that's a good thing.

Hey, Sunday was Earth Day! Did you do anything to celebrate? Google made a neat doodle for their front page with pretty flowers spelling out "Google." I thought it was so cute, I printed out copies for all my friends.

Socialist candidate Francoise Hollande is leading French President Nicolas Sarkozy in the first round of the nation's Presidential election. If Hollande is elected, he's pledged to remove many of Sarkozy's people from the government, but has offered a spot in his administration to Carla Bruni.

At last, the John Edwards trial is set to begin in North Carolina. He stands accused of improperly using large amounts of campaign donations to cover up his affair back in 2008, when that sort of thing was illegal. Once again, Edwards gets into trouble because he just couldn't wait.

Senator Joe Lieberman called for a widespread investigation into the Secret-Service-Colombian-Hooker-Scandal. The Internet called for computer animations from Apple Daily. And also a porn-parody.

According to the Associated Press, China expressed confidence in North Korea's new leadership. In a related story, I expressed doubt in the Associated Press' translators.

Egypt cancelled gas shipments to Israel of payment disputes because... ugh. I'm not going to finish that joke.

In Nevada, a rarely seen daytime meteor appeared at the end of a massive meteor shower, covering the spread at the last minute.

And finally, the Australian House of Representatives Speaker, Peter Slipper, is stepping down in the midst of a developing sex scandal. This is troubling news, but not nearly as troubling as the apparent fact that the name of every Speaker of the House around the world is a euphemism for "penis."

That's all! It's great to be back. See you tomorrow, everyone! Until then, have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - February 2, 2012

Yesterday I stayed home sick from work, and made the mistake of falling asleep while watching a two-hour documentary on Fatty Arbuckle. I had some weird dreams, and now I get nervous any time someone offers me a soda. Thankfully that doesn't happen often. Okay, now for some made up stuff mixed in with true stuff for comedic effect.

The newest issue of Psychological Science published a study linking low I.Q. to racism, prejudice and conservatism. No word yet if there's also a correlation to the enjoyment of Whitney.

Lisa Marie Presley said yesterday that she wants to make a better Elvis film than those that have previously been made. Also, she wants to pay her rent.

In earth news, geologists are trying to use recent volcanic eruptions to predict if and when a "super volcano" may erupt. Or, they could just watch SyFy on any Saturday afternoon.

French presidential candidate Francois Hollande was flour-bombed while on the campaign trail. Mimes are suspected.

Because of their white faces.

The New Jersey city of Hoboken officially denied filming permits to a new Jersey Shore spinoff. Mayor Zimmer was praised for taking this stand to defend the local douchebag industry.

Comic publisher DC is releasing a series of prequels to the seminal Watchmen series this summer. Writer Grant Morrison is demanding they include Batman.

Because he friggin' loves Batman.

In television news, Heather Locklear is set to join the cast of Downtown Abbey. Things are about to get sexy.

And finally, Mitt Romney said yesterday that he's "not focused on the poor," probably because they don't have any money. Thanks for the honesty, Mitt.

And that's it for me! I'll see you on Monday! Till then, have a Coke and a Smile!