A man in Texas thought his friends were pranking him he reached into a beer cooler and pulled out a snake. Turns out it was just hot enough in Texas that a cold-blooded reptile needed to get out of the heat. For his part, the man was a good sport. He said the snake had a full-bodied flavor, but was a bit too hoppy for his taste.
Time Warner announced they would be moving their retired personnel off of the company health plan and instead provide the retirees with vouchers to go purchase health insurance on the open market. First they take CBS off the air and now this. Is there anything Time Warner won't do to dick over old people?
In Moscow, early reports indicate that Sergei Sobyanin, a close ally of Vladimir Putin, is likely to win the mayoral race. Probably because it's too cold to tweet pictures of your dick in Russia. However, a challenger, and vocal critic of Putin, claims he will be able to force a runoff. When Putin was asked for comment he said "'Force?' 'Runoff?' He forgot the words "my car to" and "cliff" in that sentence."
A new Prime Minister is set to take office in Australia. The conservative challenger won in a landslide, meaning that he survived a landslide in order to win the job. They do things differently in Australia.
South Korea is banning Japanese fish from their markets over the continued presence of radiation from the Fukushima power plant. Many South Koreans were upset, as they'd become accustomed to the convenience of self-cooking fish.
A new report came out this weekend that the NSA is able to access almost all smartphone data, which is how they've cornered the market in dick-pics.
Two dick-pic jokes in one day? I regret nothing.
In England, Prince Andrew was recently stopped and challenged by police outside Buckingham Palace (not where Lindsay Buckingham lives) because they didn't recognize him. Police eventually apologized, and to his credit Prince Andrew said he was grateful for the apology. He was also grateful to not be a young black or latino man in New York.
And finally, meteorologists are tracking a new tropical depressing in the Atlantic Ocean. It's over by the UK now, so expect it to get downright suicidal before heading towards America and where it will be calmed by all the Prozac from sewers on the East Coast. Circle of life.
And that's all.
Showing posts with label nsa. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nsa. Show all posts
Monday, September 9, 2013
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 3, 2013
Word came out that the NSA has been spying on Brazil, and boy have they got their panties in a wad over this. Or, they would if they wore any panties.
London police have arrested two men on suspicion of passing off horsemeat as beef. But the case is largely based on bullshit that turned out to be horseshit.
Building on strikes for a living wage in New York, fast food workers are planning additional strikes in other cities. If nothing else, it seems they've learned the importance of franchising.
Dennis Rodman is back in Pyongyang, because apparently Kim Jong Un realized that he looks more sane with The Worm standing next to him.
Ford Motors just recalled 370,000 cars over faulty protections for the steering system. One thing they can't recall: a time in recent memory when their cars didn't suc.
President Obama called on Congress to authorize military action against Syria over their use of Sarin gas. There is also a small addendum, seeking sanctions against Walter White.
The Lava Lamp just turned 50 years old, meaning that the Lava Lamp is now old enough to consider itself a waste of money.
And finally, swimmer Diana Nyad successfully swam from Florida to Cuba, because she likes to taunt Cuban political prisoners.
London police have arrested two men on suspicion of passing off horsemeat as beef. But the case is largely based on bullshit that turned out to be horseshit.
Building on strikes for a living wage in New York, fast food workers are planning additional strikes in other cities. If nothing else, it seems they've learned the importance of franchising.
Dennis Rodman is back in Pyongyang, because apparently Kim Jong Un realized that he looks more sane with The Worm standing next to him.
Ford Motors just recalled 370,000 cars over faulty protections for the steering system. One thing they can't recall: a time in recent memory when their cars didn't suc.
President Obama called on Congress to authorize military action against Syria over their use of Sarin gas. There is also a small addendum, seeking sanctions against Walter White.
The Lava Lamp just turned 50 years old, meaning that the Lava Lamp is now old enough to consider itself a waste of money.
And finally, swimmer Diana Nyad successfully swam from Florida to Cuba, because she likes to taunt Cuban political prisoners.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Thursday Morning Monologue - August 29, 2013
Papers last week revealed that the NSA had bugged offices at the United Nations in New York, as well as European Union offices in the city. And it's all because President Obama really wants to know what Angela Merkel is getting him for Christmas.
Also, he wants to know if she's a terrorist.
In the UK, Verizon and Vodafone recently restarted talks about a possible buyout of Vodafone. Well, Vodafone has been talking this whole time and just didn't know that Verizon dropped the call.
In Florida, George Zimmerman's wife, Shellie, was sentenced for perjury related to Mr. Zimmerman's bond hearing. While pleading for mercy, Mrs. Zimmerman was heard to argue "hey, it's not like I killed anyone!"
In Russia, police stormed a gallery and confiscated a painting of Vladimir Putin dressed in women's underpants. Presumably it's been added to Mr. Putin's personal collection. Or else it was destroyed as it did not feature him riding a flying elephant, nor was he depicted with a super-humanly giant package.
Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas are splitting up, at least long enough for the two to "evaluate" their relationship. Perhaps Mr. Douglas will re-evaluate the wisdom of telling the world his wife's vagina is carcinogenic.
He should have at least added "habit-forming."
Researches at Columbia University believe they have found a "key to reversing the aging process" in humans. It involves sports cars and banging someone just old enough to drink alcohol.
A study at Johns Hopkins found that in America at least 1/3 of all emergency room visits involve beer, which means 2/3 of all emergency room visits are less fun than they could be.
And finally, representatives from American Airlines and U.S. Airways complained yesterday about government interference in their merger. They told the Justice Department that delaying their trial until March could jeopardize the merger and would be a severe hardship for the companies. Yeah, UNEXPECTED DELAYS SUCK. Thanks for noticing.
And thanks for reading!
Also, he wants to know if she's a terrorist.
In the UK, Verizon and Vodafone recently restarted talks about a possible buyout of Vodafone. Well, Vodafone has been talking this whole time and just didn't know that Verizon dropped the call.
In Florida, George Zimmerman's wife, Shellie, was sentenced for perjury related to Mr. Zimmerman's bond hearing. While pleading for mercy, Mrs. Zimmerman was heard to argue "hey, it's not like I killed anyone!"
In Russia, police stormed a gallery and confiscated a painting of Vladimir Putin dressed in women's underpants. Presumably it's been added to Mr. Putin's personal collection. Or else it was destroyed as it did not feature him riding a flying elephant, nor was he depicted with a super-humanly giant package.
Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas are splitting up, at least long enough for the two to "evaluate" their relationship. Perhaps Mr. Douglas will re-evaluate the wisdom of telling the world his wife's vagina is carcinogenic.
He should have at least added "habit-forming."
Researches at Columbia University believe they have found a "key to reversing the aging process" in humans. It involves sports cars and banging someone just old enough to drink alcohol.
A study at Johns Hopkins found that in America at least 1/3 of all emergency room visits involve beer, which means 2/3 of all emergency room visits are less fun than they could be.
And finally, representatives from American Airlines and U.S. Airways complained yesterday about government interference in their merger. They told the Justice Department that delaying their trial until March could jeopardize the merger and would be a severe hardship for the companies. Yeah, UNEXPECTED DELAYS SUCK. Thanks for noticing.
And thanks for reading!
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Thursday Morning Monologue - August 22, 2013
Former Egyptian "President" Hosni Mubarak is out of prison and under house arrest. He's looking forward to ruthlessly crushing the weeds in his backyard garden.
New Watergate tapes came out yesterday, giving more insight into President Nixon's state of mind leading up to the scandal. Also, this posthumous release has finally cemented his position as the Tupac of American presidents.
A 6.2-magnitude earthquake shook Acapulco, Mexico, yesterday, momentarily causing hundreds of American tourists to stand up straight.
Former Senator Scott Brown of Massachusetts denied rumors this week that he would run for governor, saying that he will instead get back to failing at things with his family instead.
In Texas, and American Airlines flight attendant trainee was arrested for calling in bomb threats to United Airlines. And that's why you don't haze flight attendant trainees, people.
The number of circumcisions performed in the United States is shrinking, but that's probably just because it was cold.
A new study found that kids who take anti-psychotic drugs are more likely to develop Type 2 Diabetes later in life, while kids who don't take anti-psychotic drugs are more likely to think they're Jesus.
And finally, new data indicates that the NSA has access to over 75% of all Internet traffic, so they probably know the one weird trick to reduce belly fat. And if they don't, then what the hell are we doing?
That's it!
New Watergate tapes came out yesterday, giving more insight into President Nixon's state of mind leading up to the scandal. Also, this posthumous release has finally cemented his position as the Tupac of American presidents.
A 6.2-magnitude earthquake shook Acapulco, Mexico, yesterday, momentarily causing hundreds of American tourists to stand up straight.
Former Senator Scott Brown of Massachusetts denied rumors this week that he would run for governor, saying that he will instead get back to failing at things with his family instead.
In Texas, and American Airlines flight attendant trainee was arrested for calling in bomb threats to United Airlines. And that's why you don't haze flight attendant trainees, people.
The number of circumcisions performed in the United States is shrinking, but that's probably just because it was cold.
A new study found that kids who take anti-psychotic drugs are more likely to develop Type 2 Diabetes later in life, while kids who don't take anti-psychotic drugs are more likely to think they're Jesus.
And finally, new data indicates that the NSA has access to over 75% of all Internet traffic, so they probably know the one weird trick to reduce belly fat. And if they don't, then what the hell are we doing?
That's it!
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 2, 2013
Over the weekend in New York, a helicopter successfully landed in the middle of the Hudson River. Because that's how hard it is to find a helicopter parking space in the city.
In the Middle East, news coverage is completely dominated by protests in Egypt, which means this is the perfect time for a Middle-Eastern nip-slip to go unnoticed.
Apple Computers is rumored to be trying to lock down a trademark on the term "iWatch." Too bad the NSA beat them to it.
The underage sex-abuse lawsuit against Kevin Clash, the actor who played Elmo was dismissed yesterday because the judge ruled the plaintiffs waited too long to bring their action. The judge did also rule that Clash did not wait long enough before bringing his action.
It looks like Edward Snowden is stuck in Moscow, unable to get on a flight out of the country. Probably shouldn't have booked with Orbitz.
Scientists estimate that there are 60 billion habitable planets in the Milky Way galaxy, but that number goes way down when you factor in how far away they are from Trader Joe's.
A man at a bank in Orange County, California, was nearly arrested for wearing a surgical mask. Police were relieved to find out he was not a bank robber, but merely wearing the mask because he has cancer. Not relieved, but, you know.
And finally, after the thrilling efforts of Wendy Davis in Texas to block anti-abortion legislation, NBC has announced a new summer reality competition: "So You Think You Can Filibuster!" Harry Reid has already set his DVR.
In the Middle East, news coverage is completely dominated by protests in Egypt, which means this is the perfect time for a Middle-Eastern nip-slip to go unnoticed.
Apple Computers is rumored to be trying to lock down a trademark on the term "iWatch." Too bad the NSA beat them to it.
The underage sex-abuse lawsuit against Kevin Clash, the actor who played Elmo was dismissed yesterday because the judge ruled the plaintiffs waited too long to bring their action. The judge did also rule that Clash did not wait long enough before bringing his action.
It looks like Edward Snowden is stuck in Moscow, unable to get on a flight out of the country. Probably shouldn't have booked with Orbitz.
Scientists estimate that there are 60 billion habitable planets in the Milky Way galaxy, but that number goes way down when you factor in how far away they are from Trader Joe's.
A man at a bank in Orange County, California, was nearly arrested for wearing a surgical mask. Police were relieved to find out he was not a bank robber, but merely wearing the mask because he has cancer. Not relieved, but, you know.
And finally, after the thrilling efforts of Wendy Davis in Texas to block anti-abortion legislation, NBC has announced a new summer reality competition: "So You Think You Can Filibuster!" Harry Reid has already set his DVR.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - July 1, 2013
Happy Monday!
Jessica Simpson just gave birth to her second child, a beautiful baby boy. She says she's looking forward to no longer being the least-educated person in the room.
This weekend, Jennifer Lopez serenaded the President of Turkemenistan, one of the world's foremost bastard dictators. When asked if she regretted the performance, she said "not as much as Gigli."
In baseball, the Pittsburgh Pirates have won their ninth straight game, leading to speculation that we are in Bizarro World.
Millions of Egyptians have taken to the streets to protest against President Morsi, although some are probably just doing it out of habit at this point.
Supreme Court Chief Justice Roberts said this weekend that he thinks the court "asks too many questions." Justice Thomas almost said something in response.
Secretary of State Kerry plans a return trip to the Middle East after his last visit failed to result in an Israeli-Palestinian agreement. If anything will motivate the two sides, it's the looming spectre of continued visits from John Kerry.
Reports are coming in that the NSA taps approximately 500 million calls and Internet links in Germany per month. It's rumored to be the largest collection of milkmaid-themed pornography in the free world.
And finally, in Oregon a couple allowed the customers at a Starbucks to pick the name for their newborn baby. The staff announced the winner, and of course they spelled it wrong.
That's all!
Jessica Simpson just gave birth to her second child, a beautiful baby boy. She says she's looking forward to no longer being the least-educated person in the room.
This weekend, Jennifer Lopez serenaded the President of Turkemenistan, one of the world's foremost bastard dictators. When asked if she regretted the performance, she said "not as much as Gigli."
In baseball, the Pittsburgh Pirates have won their ninth straight game, leading to speculation that we are in Bizarro World.
Millions of Egyptians have taken to the streets to protest against President Morsi, although some are probably just doing it out of habit at this point.
Supreme Court Chief Justice Roberts said this weekend that he thinks the court "asks too many questions." Justice Thomas almost said something in response.
Secretary of State Kerry plans a return trip to the Middle East after his last visit failed to result in an Israeli-Palestinian agreement. If anything will motivate the two sides, it's the looming spectre of continued visits from John Kerry.
Reports are coming in that the NSA taps approximately 500 million calls and Internet links in Germany per month. It's rumored to be the largest collection of milkmaid-themed pornography in the free world.
And finally, in Oregon a couple allowed the customers at a Starbucks to pick the name for their newborn baby. The staff announced the winner, and of course they spelled it wrong.
That's all!
Monday, June 10, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - June 10, 2013
The Guardian newspaper revealed former CIA person Edward Snowden leaked the documents about PRISM. He's single, 29, enjoys Italian food and whistle blowing, and he's single, ladies! Wait, is he actually single? If only there were some way we could get a bunch more information about him...
In other PRISM news, the British intelligence service GCHQ used data collected by the NSA in maintaining national security in the UK. So now we're even for The Office coming to America.
AT&T announced this weekend that they will be raising the eligibility requirement for phone upgrades to a 24-month term. However, you're still immediately eligible for NSA surveillance.
Newark Mayor Cory Booker announced he will be running for the Senate, because after Newark not even the Senate seems dysfunctional.
In charity news, a lunch for eight people with financier Warren Buffett just sold on eBay for $1million. Still no takers on his offer to be hunted like a wild animal for $10million.
In entertainment news, horror/thriller The Purge topped the box office, surprising many industry insiders due to its risky inclusion of Ethan Hawke.
In other entertainment news, actor Russell Crowe said recently that he felt "stuck" in his costume for the upcoming Man of Steel film, and that the biggest challenge was not being able to use the bathroom for eight hours at a time. Apparently Lord Crowe is too fancy to soil himself like the rest of us.
And in Iranian politics, the upcoming presidential election has many wondering who will take over for outgoing President Ahmadinejad. Coming in last in the polls, to no surprise, the Zionist party. Meanwhile, Fox News anchors have finally managed to learn how to pronounce Ahmadinejad.
And finally, in response to anti-government rallies, Turkish Prime Minister Erdogan said this weekend that "there is an end to patience," before adding "wait, are you guys going to put that on my tombstone?"
That's it! Tomorrow will be better.
In other PRISM news, the British intelligence service GCHQ used data collected by the NSA in maintaining national security in the UK. So now we're even for The Office coming to America.
AT&T announced this weekend that they will be raising the eligibility requirement for phone upgrades to a 24-month term. However, you're still immediately eligible for NSA surveillance.
Newark Mayor Cory Booker announced he will be running for the Senate, because after Newark not even the Senate seems dysfunctional.
In charity news, a lunch for eight people with financier Warren Buffett just sold on eBay for $1million. Still no takers on his offer to be hunted like a wild animal for $10million.
In entertainment news, horror/thriller The Purge topped the box office, surprising many industry insiders due to its risky inclusion of Ethan Hawke.
In other entertainment news, actor Russell Crowe said recently that he felt "stuck" in his costume for the upcoming Man of Steel film, and that the biggest challenge was not being able to use the bathroom for eight hours at a time. Apparently Lord Crowe is too fancy to soil himself like the rest of us.
And in Iranian politics, the upcoming presidential election has many wondering who will take over for outgoing President Ahmadinejad. Coming in last in the polls, to no surprise, the Zionist party. Meanwhile, Fox News anchors have finally managed to learn how to pronounce Ahmadinejad.
And finally, in response to anti-government rallies, Turkish Prime Minister Erdogan said this weekend that "there is an end to patience," before adding "wait, are you guys going to put that on my tombstone?"
That's it! Tomorrow will be better.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Friday Morning Monologue - June 7, 2013
Don't look now! Vladimir Putin just announced he's getting a divorce. So, watch out, ladies! No, seriously, watch out for Vladimir Putin.
In New York, the courts lifted a ban on phone apps used to hail cabs after the courts were assured that they would not be made available to black people.
Speaking of phones, people are up in arms about the NSA secretly eavesdropping on American phone calls. But if you think people are angry over this now, wait till you hear what they're saying about it in private.
Furthermore, Facebook denied giving the government direct access to their servers to spy on users and gather information. According to Facebook, they only do that for advertisers.
Apple also denied giving the government direct access to their servers, but that's because the government refused to purchase Apple's proprietary data cable to make the connection.
AT&T boasted that they have increased the number of Internet-connected devices on their network by over 500,000 this quarter. Even better, they've connected over 1 million to the NSA.
Broadcaster Glenn Beck said he regrets that he may have said things on his programs that alienated some Americans, even if those Americans are stupid Communists who hate America.
A pilot program in England is training returning war veterans to work as teachers. It's part of a new push to increase reenlistment rates.
At Sotheby's on Wednesday, a Persian rug went at auction for a record-setting $33.8 million. And somewhere soon, a tiny dog is going to have the most decadent bowel movement in recorded history.
And finally, disgraced writer Jonah Lehrer, dismissed from The New Yorker for plagiarism, has a new book coming out about the power of love. So now he's ripping off Huey Lewis and The News.
Have a great weekend!
In New York, the courts lifted a ban on phone apps used to hail cabs after the courts were assured that they would not be made available to black people.
Speaking of phones, people are up in arms about the NSA secretly eavesdropping on American phone calls. But if you think people are angry over this now, wait till you hear what they're saying about it in private.
Furthermore, Facebook denied giving the government direct access to their servers to spy on users and gather information. According to Facebook, they only do that for advertisers.
Apple also denied giving the government direct access to their servers, but that's because the government refused to purchase Apple's proprietary data cable to make the connection.
AT&T boasted that they have increased the number of Internet-connected devices on their network by over 500,000 this quarter. Even better, they've connected over 1 million to the NSA.
Broadcaster Glenn Beck said he regrets that he may have said things on his programs that alienated some Americans, even if those Americans are stupid Communists who hate America.
A pilot program in England is training returning war veterans to work as teachers. It's part of a new push to increase reenlistment rates.
At Sotheby's on Wednesday, a Persian rug went at auction for a record-setting $33.8 million. And somewhere soon, a tiny dog is going to have the most decadent bowel movement in recorded history.
And finally, disgraced writer Jonah Lehrer, dismissed from The New Yorker for plagiarism, has a new book coming out about the power of love. So now he's ripping off Huey Lewis and The News.
Have a great weekend!
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Thursday Morning Monologue - January 3, 2012
Happy new year.
In Hong Kong, authorities are grappling with an epidemic of wasted food. The situation is extremely dire, seeing as how everyone keeps getting hungry an hour later.
The CEO of Safeway is retiring this month. He's got a sizable contract buyout coming his way, and it'll be even bigger if he manages to step down on Double Coupon Day.
Professional golfer Carl Petterssen said this week that the PGA is on a witch hunt against long putters. He made the statement in hopes to get an early start on the "Least Relevant Story of 2013" award. Go get 'em, tiger.
Al Jazeera television announced they're buying Al Gore's "CURRENT TV" in an effort to lose money.
New Jersey Governor Christie blasted John Boehner over Congress' lack of action on relief for Hurricane Sandy, because apparently the Governor just found out that Congress is useless.
Dave Letterman told Oprah Winfrey in a recent interview that he "hurt a lot of people" in his sex scandal, which indicates that Letterman is into some freaky shit.
Congress recently voted to continue the NSA's warrantless surveillance program. So, any agents reading this, please leave comments below.
Anonymous is fine.
And finally, a lesbian couple in Topeka, Kansas, is trying to force the sperm donor who fathered their child to pay child support. Apparently they misunderstood the term "money shot."
THANK YOU!
In Hong Kong, authorities are grappling with an epidemic of wasted food. The situation is extremely dire, seeing as how everyone keeps getting hungry an hour later.
The CEO of Safeway is retiring this month. He's got a sizable contract buyout coming his way, and it'll be even bigger if he manages to step down on Double Coupon Day.
Professional golfer Carl Petterssen said this week that the PGA is on a witch hunt against long putters. He made the statement in hopes to get an early start on the "Least Relevant Story of 2013" award. Go get 'em, tiger.
Al Jazeera television announced they're buying Al Gore's "CURRENT TV" in an effort to lose money.
New Jersey Governor Christie blasted John Boehner over Congress' lack of action on relief for Hurricane Sandy, because apparently the Governor just found out that Congress is useless.
Dave Letterman told Oprah Winfrey in a recent interview that he "hurt a lot of people" in his sex scandal, which indicates that Letterman is into some freaky shit.
Congress recently voted to continue the NSA's warrantless surveillance program. So, any agents reading this, please leave comments below.
Anonymous is fine.
And finally, a lesbian couple in Topeka, Kansas, is trying to force the sperm donor who fathered their child to pay child support. Apparently they misunderstood the term "money shot."
THANK YOU!
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