Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 12, 2011

Hi everybody. I'm all bantered out right now. So let's just have some jokes.

In an interview this week, tennis star and fitness guru Anna Kournikova said she may never marry her longtime beau, Enrique Iglesias. Finally, something she and I have in common.

In political news, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie endorsed Mitt Romney for the GOP presidential nomination yesterday, which will make the campaign more difficult for Governor Christie when he eventually decides to run this year.

In happier news, model/actress Naomi Nelson and actor/stuntman Johnny Knoxville welcomed their first daughter, Arlo, this week. Her birth was overseen by a midget in a giant dog costume filled with snakes. And they were all on fire.

Former LOST star Evangeline Lilly said this week that when she gave birth, she was in labor for 30 hours straight. She said she didn't mind, though, because after all that time and emotional investment there was a great payoff. She was unfamiliar with that sensation before.

In other baby news, Brooklyn artist Marni Kotak is planning to give birth at an art gallery, in front of an audience. No word yet which gallery will host that child's eventual psychotherapy.

Wal-Mart unveiled a new Facebook app designed to give users detailed information about deals at their nearest Wal-Mart store. The app was programmed, of course, in China.

Tracy Morgan went on the Late Show and told host David Letterman this week that the uproar over his homophobic jokes in concert this summer was a "big, big misunderstanding." He went on to explain "yeah, gay people aren't very smart. So of course they misunderstood. What? No, don't edit this out!"

And finally, a Texas man was arrested for hitting his wife because she didn't "Like" his Facebook status update. In her defense, his status update was "About to hit my wife in teh face! #winning!" As a result of the attack, he'll be spending some time in prison, where he will probably get "Poked." Maybe even "Super Poked."

Yeah, I'm not sure how to feel about that one. Whatever. It's a numbers game. No one bats 1.000. Unless they get a hit their first at bat and then retire. Maybe it's happened once, but where's the fun in that? Anyway, that's all for now! Come back tomorrow, why don't you?

Till then, have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 14, 2011

Jokes commencing in three... two... one... zero... ten... nine... wait, what am I doing? Never mind.

In an attempt to apologize for his homophobic rant this past weekend, actor/nutjob Tracy Morgan said today that even if his son were gay, he'd still love him almost as much as he loves his career in Hollywood.

Casinos in Atlantic City are turning to SEX to attract business. They've got new strip clubs, new burlesque shows, and even an upcoming "naked circus." But they still won't allow you to play the slots without any pants on. Prudes. By the way, "naked circus" means the bear no longer wears his fez. It's pretty scandalous.

Hey, remember Andrew McCarthy, the star of such recent hits as Pretty in Pink and Weekend at Bernie's? Well, he is writing a new memoir. It's called For God's Sake: INVEST YOUR MONEY WISELY!

Speaking of movies, Harry Potter star Emma Watson recently said "I have had no control over my life" which means, obviously, that an evil wizard has bewitched her. Maybe Andrew McCarthy can help!

In sadder news, Harold Camping, the wacko who predicted the world would end last month, then corrected his prediction to put the apocalypse in October, had a stroke this weekend. Strangely enough, he predicted this stroke, but he thought it would be in January... spooky!

Yesterday, the Pentagon Papers were finally released in their entirety, nearly 40 years after they were initially leaked. Is it just me, or is the Pentagon really bad at stopping leaks?

In more sad news, Education Secretary Arne Duncan may issue waivers to educators to exempt certain children from the "No Child Left Behind" law, although sources confirm that it will only be "the really dumb and really ugly kids."

And lastly, the NBC affiliate in Salt Lake City announced they will not be airing the new Playboy show on their station. The move surprised other stations, who were quick to ask "you mean we don't have to air these crappy shows they send us?! Oh, man! What a relief!"

Okay, that's all for today! Unless I post more on my Twitter feed later on in the day. What's the link? Well, that would be http://www.twitter.com/soonerseth. You should probably follow my tweets, just to be safe. <---Most ridiculous sentence I've written today that didn't involve Harry Potter.

You know, it's summer. You might want to have some fresh fruit today. Could be delicious. But whatever you decide, I hope you have a great day!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 18, 2011

Have you been waiting for Wednesday? Well, this one is a firecracker of a day! I hope you enjoy it, yes I do. Oh, let's forget about it. If you're a Lisa Loeb fan, then the previous three sentences may have been mildly amusing to you. To the rest of you, I'm so sorry. Truthfully. But seriously, check out Firecracker, it's a wonderful album. Do this, I say. You'll love it in a split second. I'm no good at banter, it turns out. But at least I'm not talking about my amazing underpants anymore. Oops. Alright, enjoy these jokes.

You remember Happy Meals, right? They used to sell them and include a little toy for you to play with until you pass out from all the "nutrients" in the meal you just ate, remember? Well, you can't do that anymore in Florida. It's been outlawed! But lobbyists for the restaurant industry are fighting the ban and trying to find loopholes in the law so they can continue to entice children to eat their crappy food in order to get a toy. Not once, apparently, has it occurred to them that it might be easier to JUST SELL THE  DAMN TOYS! They must be really committed to poorly-cooked hamburgers. Maybe it's a union thing.

In China, on the other hand, and side of the world, watermelon farmers are having a rough spring this year, as their crops keep exploding. Yes. Exploding watermelons. It's due to a growth hormone, apparently, and it's awful news for Gallagher. But thank goodness it wasn't happening on dairy farms, or this would be a much darker joke.

Speaking of juicy, explosive stories (you like what I did there?), former Governor Arnold Schwarzenneger confirmed yesterday that he secretly fathered a child with a member of his staff ten years ago. How embarrassed must he have been to keep this a secret for so long? I mean, after all, this is a guy who actively and proudly promoted the film Junior. I kinda thought he had no shame.

Also lacking in shame, the producers of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark have ruined a perfectly good Internet meme by turning their colossal turd of a musical into a "good" show. And all they had to do was fire the entire team behind the musical and bring in new leadership. Is it too much to hope that Al Qaeda could... no, I think one miracle per generation is all we can hope for. So go see Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark today! Well, at least the name is still stupid. We can make fun of them for that.

Elsewhere in America, there was good news for American criminals, as FOX announced it has canceled America's Most Wanted after what seems like 600 years on television. Now if rapists, murderers and other miscreants want to get on television, they'll have to audition for X-Factor, just like everyone else. There's no shortcuts to fame, I guess.

In other legal news, the Recording Industry Association of America reached a settlement in its lawsuit against the music "sharing" service Limewire. Under the agreement, record labels will split a payout of $105 million... and artists will get exactly zero dollars. That's fair, right? Well, looks like the music industry is right back where it's supposed to be!

In New York, the taxi fleet is getting classed up. No, we're not going to see cabbies in tuxedos, although that would be awesome. No, a number of new Lexus Hybrids are entering service, so now you can feel classy and environmentally-conscious when you vomit in the back of a cab at 3:00 am.

And finally, in celebrity news, actor and case study Tracy Morgan is apparently back with his old flame, and kidney donor, Tanisha Hall. Tracy made news previously when he, ahem, dumped her after she gave him one of her kidneys. Well, they've reconciled, it seems, which can only mean one thing: looks like someone's relapsing! Heaven forbid.

And I'm all out of jokes. There will be more tomorrow. You should let your friends know, because people like to be included in things. Especially things that are cool. Thanks for stopping by, hope you had a chuckle or eight.

Have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - February 3, 2011

What's more fun than a season full of snow and ice? How about some jokes?

It was Groundhog Day yesterday, and Punxsutawney Phil came out of his hole to predict an early Spring before he unfortunately froze to death in the icy rain.

In entertainment news, reports surfaced this week that television star Tracy Morgan received a kidney from his ex-girlfriend, which is way more impressive than the standard booty call.

Musician Elton John said this week that he's worried about his friend and beard-enthusiast Billy Joel, who he says needs serious rehab. Billy Joel responded by saying that Elton John needs another dead Princess to jump start his career.

In politics, California Governor Jerry Brown compared the state of California to Egypt, which really isn't fair, considering that Egypt isn't bankrupt yet.

The Environmental Protection Agency announced yesterday that they would, for the first time, take steps to limit the amount of the rocket fuel Perchlorate in drinking water supplies. This move comes as part of the Obama administration's new effort to keep people from getting cancer and exploding.

In Japan, thirteen sumo wrestlers are under investigation for fixing fights. In America, that's called "Professional Wrestling."

Farrah Fawcett's famous red swimsuit, worn in her famous pinup poster, went to the Smithsonian this week. It will be displayed alongside the Venus of Malta as the centerpiece in the new "Hall of Masturbation."

Lastly, the website WikiLeaks was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize this week.  In a related story, Perez Hilton was nominated for a Humanitas Award. One pundit noted, "hey, if The Tourist can get nominated for Best Comedy or Musical, then all bets are off."

That's it for me this week.

Spencer Hicks is in tomorrow, and Earnest Pettie will be bringing you some laughter on Sunday. So, thanks for stopping by! Come back soon and tell your friends!