Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 10, 2012

Three... two... one... two... three. GO!

Following some recent campaign problems, Rep. Paul Ryan's people banned recording devices from all fundraising events. Because he's not saying anything crazy.

In a related story, recording devices have been banned from all public appearances by Vice President Joe Biden.

In another related story, someone just leaked a Paul Ryan sex tape, wherein he claims that 30% of the American people want sex without having to work for it.

Pringles is debuting new Pumpkin Pie Spice and White Chocolate Mint flavors as part of their "Stop Eating Pringles" campaign.

Romeo Beckham, son of David Beckham, was seen sporting a fake tattoo just like his dad's. When he grows up, he plans to get a fake wife, just like his dad's.

A judge in Pennsylvania sentenced Jerry Sandusky to 30 - 60 years in prison. The judge did say, however, that Sandusky could get out early, however, for good behavior. And by "good behavior," he meant "be dead."

Here's hoping, Jerry.

Government officials in North Korea claim they now have missiles that can reach the U.S., but only if they first defect at a friendly embassy and then formally apply for political asylum.

A 16 year-old cheerleader in America set a new backflip record this week. Mitt Romney has promised to smash it.

And finally, in California, oil producers hope that a new "winter blend" will help reduce prices gas prices. Really, though, they've just added pumpkin flavor.

Okay, that's it. See you tomorrow!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 11, 2011

Alright, let's get to it.

Actress Denise Richards and musician Nikki Sixx split up recently after several weeks of dating. No word yet if they were successful in their attempt to create the world's strongest venereal disease.