Welcome to Wednesday. You know, if someone built a bar and called it "Wednesday," and someone burned that bar down late one night when no one was around, I think I'd be okay with that. Anyway, let's all make fun of the "real" world.
The Vatican is opening an exhibit of its secret archive this week of papers relating to the Vatican's work over the last 400 years. One spokesman said, "it's so great that we're able to share these secret documents with the public after all these years. After all, what kind of faith shrouds itself in secrecy and byzantine bureaucracy and hides the truth from the world?"
Speaking of ugly truth, Comedy Central is planning to air a roast of Charlie Sheen this fall. Perhaps next season they'll just videotape people at a mental hospital and add zany sound effects.
A man was arrested yesterday for peeping on Paris Hilton. Apparently he doesn't have the Internet.
Follow up: the man is actually an obsessed stalker, and Ms. Hilton had to get a restraining order to keep him away. I'm guessing that's because he's never met her or spoken with her.
In India, the health minister recently said that homosexuality is a disease. Hmm. If the health minister is obsessed with homosexuality, I'm starting to see why so many people in India get cholera, typhoid fever, malaria and the damn plague!
An exercise bike was built recently using Google street-view photographs of the entire Tour de France course to allow anyone and everyone to bike through it just like a cycling superstar. Steroids are optional.
In Australia, police have been given the authority to remove burkas and other clothing that disguises a person's facial features. No word yet on how this might impact the work of Female Body Inspectors.
And lastly, a woman in Mexico was caught trying to sneak her husband out of prison in a large suitcase she brought along for their normal conjugal visit. Prison guards got suspicious when the bag kept humming Lonely Island's "I Just Had Sex."
Okay, I'm tired. That's that, kiddos!
See you tomorrow, and have a great day!
Showing posts with label disease. Show all posts
Showing posts with label disease. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - March 28, 2011
Okay, everybody, looks like we've got some jokes for you today. Hope that's why you came.
A Montana Radio Shack location is offering a free gun with the purchase and installation of Dish Network, which is great news for people who love watching television and shooting things.
Remember "Baby Jessica," the little girl who fell into a well and nearly died? Well, she just turned 25 and got access to a trust fund set up for her with donations collected when she was in the well. Looks like she fell ass-backwards into money. Good for her!
In the snack food world, the Frito-Lay company made news this week when they announced their "food" products would be going "all natural." Someone must have told them that salt and oil are "natural." You know what else is natural? Diabetes and heart disease, but no one ever goes bragging about it.
Staying with the world of food and drink, Starbucks is set to unveil a new line of coffee machines that brew a single cup of coffee at a time. It's part of their new product line for painfully alone coffee-lovers.
In Qatar, organizers for the 2022 World Cup announced they're planning to build artificial, remote controlled clouds to provide shade for the games. Also, they're building special watering stations to re-hydrate anyone who has become parched from spitting on poor people.
In Los Angeles, police have closed another 60 medical marijuana dispensaries, thus making the drug completely unavailable to people who want it. History will show that's how we won the war on drugs.
Clothier and soft-core pornography studio Abercrombie & Fitch is under fire for offering a new children's bikini top with padding for flat-chested girls. The company issued a statement saying "we stand behind our product, and we believe it's never too young to encourage women to hate their bodies."
Lastly, in more clothing news, director/actor/orator Sylvester Stallone is moving into the fashion world with a new line of clothes inspired by the films of Rocky and Rambo. They're just like any other clothes, except they're covered in blood. Look for them at K-Mart this summer!
That's all for now, hope your time with us has been hilarious and utterly unproductive. Tell your friends, share us via the magic buttons below, and come see us again. But most importantly, have a wonderful day!
A Montana Radio Shack location is offering a free gun with the purchase and installation of Dish Network, which is great news for people who love watching television and shooting things.
Remember "Baby Jessica," the little girl who fell into a well and nearly died? Well, she just turned 25 and got access to a trust fund set up for her with donations collected when she was in the well. Looks like she fell ass-backwards into money. Good for her!
In the snack food world, the Frito-Lay company made news this week when they announced their "food" products would be going "all natural." Someone must have told them that salt and oil are "natural." You know what else is natural? Diabetes and heart disease, but no one ever goes bragging about it.
Staying with the world of food and drink, Starbucks is set to unveil a new line of coffee machines that brew a single cup of coffee at a time. It's part of their new product line for painfully alone coffee-lovers.
In Qatar, organizers for the 2022 World Cup announced they're planning to build artificial, remote controlled clouds to provide shade for the games. Also, they're building special watering stations to re-hydrate anyone who has become parched from spitting on poor people.
In Los Angeles, police have closed another 60 medical marijuana dispensaries, thus making the drug completely unavailable to people who want it. History will show that's how we won the war on drugs.
Clothier and soft-core pornography studio Abercrombie & Fitch is under fire for offering a new children's bikini top with padding for flat-chested girls. The company issued a statement saying "we stand behind our product, and we believe it's never too young to encourage women to hate their bodies."
Lastly, in more clothing news, director/actor/orator Sylvester Stallone is moving into the fashion world with a new line of clothes inspired by the films of Rocky and Rambo. They're just like any other clothes, except they're covered in blood. Look for them at K-Mart this summer!
That's all for now, hope your time with us has been hilarious and utterly unproductive. Tell your friends, share us via the magic buttons below, and come see us again. But most importantly, have a wonderful day!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)