Senator Tom Coburn recently said that not raising the national debt ceiling, thus defaulting on our national debt, risking a government shutdown and possibly tanking the world economy, could be a "wonderful experiment." Bold words from the nation's first Mad Scientist senator.
Venezuela's Vice President filled in for President Chavez at a key speech this week, saying that while the President was too ill to attend, he plans to be back to repressing the country just as soon as he possibly can.
The CDC revealed that at least 11 workers at U.S. biological laboratories were infected with dangerous pathogens between 2004 and 2010, which means working at the labs is slightly less dangerous than eating at Taco Bell.
In Florida, Cuban-American journalist Jose Diaz-Balart said yesterday that "Aryan, blonde, blue-eyed people immigrate illegally too." Historically speaking, it's referred to as World War II.
Publishers at The Atlantic apologized yesterday for posting a pro-Scientology "advertorial" that many visitors to the website mistook as a pro-Scientology news piece. Editors blamed the mistake on unruly Thetans in the newsroom. Or Engrams. Whatever it is.
Reuters reported on a study yesterday linking caffeine to leaky bladders in men. Effects subsided when subjects brewed with a French press instead of a drip.
The mayor of Corleone, Sicily, apologized this week for those hurt by the town's longstanding connection to organized crime. He specifically sought to make peace with anyone who had inadvertently seen The Godfather Part III.
And finally, Lindsay Lohan is back in court for the 20th time, which means this time it's free!
That's it! Laters.
Showing posts with label cdc. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cdc. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Monday, September 17, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 18, 2012
Let's make jokes to deal with our feelings of frustration and helplessness at the modern problems we are beset by. Joy!
Science news up first. Doctors found that "sexting" among teens is leading to riskier sexual choices by young people. On the other hand, now kids have a reason to learn to read.
In other medical news, the CDC says that kids are eating too much salt, leading to higher blood pressure among children. It's also why kids today who "play doctor" are actually prescribing meds for hypertension.
Chris Brown's probation hearing for his 2009 assault on Rihanna has been pushed back again. Sure would hate to be the one to have to tell him.
Because he'd probably get real angry and choke me.
Apple's stock hit $700 for the first time. In other words, that's two iPhones. Incidentally, the stock certificates handle Flash content just as well as the phones.
In New York, airport workers are accused of stealing 100,000 tiny bottles of liquor. Authorities think they were planning the world's largest little party.
Newsweek magazine came under fire for a recent cover on "Muslim rage." Apparently the Muslims in question are subscribers. I'd be pissed, too, if I paid for that crap.
Dave Matthews Band released an album this month called "Something You Can Talk About When You Have To Make Small Talk With Your Dealer."
And finally, in leaked videos, Gov. Romney said that 47% of voters see themselves as victims. I didn't realize that many people worked for companies bought by Bain.
That's the end.
Science news up first. Doctors found that "sexting" among teens is leading to riskier sexual choices by young people. On the other hand, now kids have a reason to learn to read.
In other medical news, the CDC says that kids are eating too much salt, leading to higher blood pressure among children. It's also why kids today who "play doctor" are actually prescribing meds for hypertension.
Chris Brown's probation hearing for his 2009 assault on Rihanna has been pushed back again. Sure would hate to be the one to have to tell him.
Because he'd probably get real angry and choke me.
Apple's stock hit $700 for the first time. In other words, that's two iPhones. Incidentally, the stock certificates handle Flash content just as well as the phones.
In New York, airport workers are accused of stealing 100,000 tiny bottles of liquor. Authorities think they were planning the world's largest little party.
Newsweek magazine came under fire for a recent cover on "Muslim rage." Apparently the Muslims in question are subscribers. I'd be pissed, too, if I paid for that crap.
Dave Matthews Band released an album this month called "Something You Can Talk About When You Have To Make Small Talk With Your Dealer."
And finally, in leaked videos, Gov. Romney said that 47% of voters see themselves as victims. I didn't realize that many people worked for companies bought by Bain.
That's the end.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 26, 2011
Hey, guess what. I got a new computer. Hooray. Now I can more easily type "smartphone." And jokes. Let's do this.
Netflix lost over 800K subscribers in the last three months as users realized that they could still steal movies.
In Turkey, an aftershock from the recent earthquake set off a riot at a Turkish prison. Fortunately, prison officials were able to get the inmates back under control in time for the evening torture.
Speaking of torture, MTV is planning to make a reality show at the Occupy Wall Street protests in New York. Either someone at MTV has a superhuman sense of irony, or they are all morons.
In romantic news, Tara Reid said yesterday that her recent marriage was fake. You know, like breasts.
A single mother of four in England faces jail time for biting her boyfriend's testicles in a drunken fight, although we may have zeroed in on why this catch is still single. Take note, ladies: it's hard out there for a single mom. Especially when she keeps biting people's testicles.
Russian President (or Prime Minister, I can't remember which he is today) Medvedev recently took to his blog to promote the sport of badminton. Congratulations, Dimitry: you just made gawker.com seem worthwhile.
Also, Medvedev is touting badminton as a sport for those "seeking success." Although it is worth noting that in Russian "seeking success" also translates as "wanting to live in the shadow of a megalomaniacal autocrat." It's a beautiful language.
And lastly, the Center for Disease Control now recommends the HPV vaccine for 11 year-old boys, and thus ends any hope for the CDC to win the GOP presidential nomination.
That's it! I've gotta go update my iTunes. See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day.
Netflix lost over 800K subscribers in the last three months as users realized that they could still steal movies.
In Turkey, an aftershock from the recent earthquake set off a riot at a Turkish prison. Fortunately, prison officials were able to get the inmates back under control in time for the evening torture.
Speaking of torture, MTV is planning to make a reality show at the Occupy Wall Street protests in New York. Either someone at MTV has a superhuman sense of irony, or they are all morons.
In romantic news, Tara Reid said yesterday that her recent marriage was fake. You know, like breasts.
A single mother of four in England faces jail time for biting her boyfriend's testicles in a drunken fight, although we may have zeroed in on why this catch is still single. Take note, ladies: it's hard out there for a single mom. Especially when she keeps biting people's testicles.
Russian President (or Prime Minister, I can't remember which he is today) Medvedev recently took to his blog to promote the sport of badminton. Congratulations, Dimitry: you just made gawker.com seem worthwhile.
Also, Medvedev is touting badminton as a sport for those "seeking success." Although it is worth noting that in Russian "seeking success" also translates as "wanting to live in the shadow of a megalomaniacal autocrat." It's a beautiful language.
And lastly, the Center for Disease Control now recommends the HPV vaccine for 11 year-old boys, and thus ends any hope for the CDC to win the GOP presidential nomination.
That's it! I've gotta go update my iTunes. See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - May 19, 2011
Uh, it's Thursday. I don't know what to say. Maybe something about boxer shorts and late 90s girl rock... we'll go with Dar Williams this time. I don't know. Kinda running out of words. Okay, let's just get to the jokes.
So, the ever classy Queen of England is visiting Ireland, for some reason, and stopped by the scene of the "Bloody Sunday" uprising to lay a wreath in memory of the people who were killed while trying to free themselves from her family. Class act, Mum. In addition to the Bloody Sunday trip, the Queen is planning to visit Joshua Tree and some place where the streets have no name. She refused, however, to see Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark.
Speaking of dead horses I can't stop beating, former Senator Rick Santorum said this week that Senator John McCain, who was tortured for five years by Viet Cong interrogators, doesn't understand interrogation. That's just ridiculous. That would be like John McCain saying that Santorum doesn't understand shit.
Let's class it back up a bit, and talk about the Royal Wedding again. Because why not? So, there's an auction online to raise money for charity by selling off things the royals touched or wore at the wedding, because they are as gods among us, and we shall pray upon their relics. Bidding has been brisk, and in fact the hat that Princess Beatrice wore, the one that looks like a weirdly comfortable toilet seat, is up to $30,000. So, you can pay thirty grand for the original, or you can buy a cheap knock off this summer... in the bathroom fixtures section of Home Depot.
In other auction news, an auction started this week to sell off all the Unabomber's old stuff to raise money for his victims and their families. And just to piss him off even further, the auction is only online.
Do you like art? Do you love it? Do you love it? Hmm? Well, a new study shows that looking at art gives people the same pleasure as being in love. Incidentally, this study was conducted by the Spinster Institute: "leading the charge on love-replacement technology." So now, you can safely say that if someone doesn't get modern art, they're probably no good in bed. Is that right? I'm not a doctor.
Speaking of doctors, the CDC offered tips this week on how to survive a zombie apocalypse. Good to know they've got that whole heart-disease-diabetes-AIDS-cancer-tuberculosis-other-cancer-herpes thing taken care of, so now they can protect us from make-believe diseases. Hey, maybe next week they'll issue tips on how to survive boogie fever. I think it's going around.
Speaking of going around, Saif al-Adel was the last to say "not it" and is now the interim leader of Al Qaeda. Might want to start your exit strategy now, Saif. The notorious organization of international bastards is having trouble finding a new leader, for some reason, and they're not getting any good hits off their Monster.com job posting. Perhaps they should remove the "70 virgins" bit from the compensation package. It makes them sound desperate...
Lastly, producers of the new The Great Gatsby film found a replacement for Ben Affleck. This is good news, of course, but they did have a backup plan: film the rest of his scenes with a sack of potatoes, and see if anyone notices. Oh, is that not fair? You watch The Town and tell me if half of those scenes wouldn't have been better off with 30 pounds of Idaho Russets instead.
Hmm. Potatoes sound good. Have you had a potato today? You go have one, unless you're allergic or avoiding carbs, and come see us again tomorrow. Spencer and Earnest will be joking it up, and I'll be back on Monday. Just you wait. You'll see!
Until then, have a great day!
So, the ever classy Queen of England is visiting Ireland, for some reason, and stopped by the scene of the "Bloody Sunday" uprising to lay a wreath in memory of the people who were killed while trying to free themselves from her family. Class act, Mum. In addition to the Bloody Sunday trip, the Queen is planning to visit Joshua Tree and some place where the streets have no name. She refused, however, to see Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark.
Speaking of dead horses I can't stop beating, former Senator Rick Santorum said this week that Senator John McCain, who was tortured for five years by Viet Cong interrogators, doesn't understand interrogation. That's just ridiculous. That would be like John McCain saying that Santorum doesn't understand shit.
Let's class it back up a bit, and talk about the Royal Wedding again. Because why not? So, there's an auction online to raise money for charity by selling off things the royals touched or wore at the wedding, because they are as gods among us, and we shall pray upon their relics. Bidding has been brisk, and in fact the hat that Princess Beatrice wore, the one that looks like a weirdly comfortable toilet seat, is up to $30,000. So, you can pay thirty grand for the original, or you can buy a cheap knock off this summer... in the bathroom fixtures section of Home Depot.
In other auction news, an auction started this week to sell off all the Unabomber's old stuff to raise money for his victims and their families. And just to piss him off even further, the auction is only online.
Do you like art? Do you love it? Do you love it? Hmm? Well, a new study shows that looking at art gives people the same pleasure as being in love. Incidentally, this study was conducted by the Spinster Institute: "leading the charge on love-replacement technology." So now, you can safely say that if someone doesn't get modern art, they're probably no good in bed. Is that right? I'm not a doctor.
Speaking of doctors, the CDC offered tips this week on how to survive a zombie apocalypse. Good to know they've got that whole heart-disease-diabetes-AIDS-cancer-tuberculosis-other-cancer-herpes thing taken care of, so now they can protect us from make-believe diseases. Hey, maybe next week they'll issue tips on how to survive boogie fever. I think it's going around.
Speaking of going around, Saif al-Adel was the last to say "not it" and is now the interim leader of Al Qaeda. Might want to start your exit strategy now, Saif. The notorious organization of international bastards is having trouble finding a new leader, for some reason, and they're not getting any good hits off their Monster.com job posting. Perhaps they should remove the "70 virgins" bit from the compensation package. It makes them sound desperate...
Lastly, producers of the new The Great Gatsby film found a replacement for Ben Affleck. This is good news, of course, but they did have a backup plan: film the rest of his scenes with a sack of potatoes, and see if anyone notices. Oh, is that not fair? You watch The Town and tell me if half of those scenes wouldn't have been better off with 30 pounds of Idaho Russets instead.
Hmm. Potatoes sound good. Have you had a potato today? You go have one, unless you're allergic or avoiding carbs, and come see us again tomorrow. Spencer and Earnest will be joking it up, and I'll be back on Monday. Just you wait. You'll see!
Until then, have a great day!
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