I have no banter today. Absolutely none. I'm too busy thinking about The Avengers. You've seen it, right? You've gotta see it. Right after you read these jokes.
This week, Vladimir Putin was sworn in for his third term as Russia's President, just in time for the next James Bond movie.
Yemeni and American intelligence agents foiled another airline underwear bomb plot yesterday with the help of special consultants Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears.
Beef Products Inc., makers of the "pink slime" beef filler, are closing three plants and will punch anyone in the mouth who says "there's no such thing as bad publicity."
Medical researchers believe that a compound in curry may fight bowel cancer. By blasting the cancer right out your ass.
In South Korea, customs agents are cracking down on smugglers bringing in capsules of powdered human flesh from China. They're just trying to protect the domestic market.
Bad news for Disney, the French theme park, Euro Disney, is reporting high losses due to higher wage costs, renovations, and the overall suckiness of Euro Disney.
The CEO of Yahoo! has been accused of fabricating part of his resume, because he apparently wanted a job at Yahoo!
And finally, Governor Paul LePage of Maine said yesterday that unemployed people need to "get up off the couch" and get a job. Also, they need to get up because that couch is being repossessed by the bank.
And that is all. See you tomorrow!
Showing posts with label disney. Show all posts
Showing posts with label disney. Show all posts
Monday, May 7, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 24, 2012
Hey everybody! Anybody self-deported yet? I'm still not sure what that means. Anyway, here's some jokes.
The Disney theme parks are now allowing their park workers to have beards. I was under the impression that people working at the Disney parks had pretty well given up on the idea of having beards at all.
The Chicago Sun-Times announced it will no longer endorse political candidates. In response, readers will no longer pretend to care.
Representative Gabrielle Giffords resigned from Congress yesterday to focus on her rehabilitation. This could be a rough move for her, now that she won't have the Congressional health plan anymore.
British news agency ITV has come under fire for a program they produced on the IRA that actually contains footage recorded from a videogame. This comes on the heels of a similar embarrassing situation regarding a documentary on invaders from space.
In India, a government minister swore off shoes with laces after an embarrassing photo surfaced of his assistant tying his shoelaces for him in public. In a related story, he's also switching to bidets from now on.
Leaders of the Sikh community condemned Jay Leno this weekend. Good.
In Chicago, a group of teens boarded a bus and robbed the driver after first disabling the bus. Apparently they didn't want to wait another ten minutes for the bus to break down on its own.
And finally, filmmaker David Lynch said in an interview last week that he is now "obsessed" with coffee. So that's how you make it through Inland Empire.
Okay, that's the end! I've gotta go self deport now. Till tomorrow!
The Disney theme parks are now allowing their park workers to have beards. I was under the impression that people working at the Disney parks had pretty well given up on the idea of having beards at all.
The Chicago Sun-Times announced it will no longer endorse political candidates. In response, readers will no longer pretend to care.
Representative Gabrielle Giffords resigned from Congress yesterday to focus on her rehabilitation. This could be a rough move for her, now that she won't have the Congressional health plan anymore.
British news agency ITV has come under fire for a program they produced on the IRA that actually contains footage recorded from a videogame. This comes on the heels of a similar embarrassing situation regarding a documentary on invaders from space.
In India, a government minister swore off shoes with laces after an embarrassing photo surfaced of his assistant tying his shoelaces for him in public. In a related story, he's also switching to bidets from now on.
Leaders of the Sikh community condemned Jay Leno this weekend. Good.
In Chicago, a group of teens boarded a bus and robbed the driver after first disabling the bus. Apparently they didn't want to wait another ten minutes for the bus to break down on its own.
And finally, filmmaker David Lynch said in an interview last week that he is now "obsessed" with coffee. So that's how you make it through Inland Empire.
Okay, that's the end! I've gotta go self deport now. Till tomorrow!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - January 12, 2012
No time to waste! JOKES x 8 = BONUS ROUND!
Outgoing Mississippi governor Haley Barbour tried to pardon and release 21 convicted murderers yesterday in the clearest indication yet that Governor Barbour is, in fact, an idiot. Or starting a secret criminal organization...
Speaking of secret criminals, actress Lindsay Lohan reportedly owes $94,000 in federal taxes from 2009. That kind of nasty tax-shock may explain why Lohan recently said she was going to "go party with those tea-baggers."
Actress Kim Novak said this week that she felt "violated" when she learned music from her film Vertigo appeared in The Artist. The screen legend said she hasn't felt this violated since she worked with Alfred Hitchcock.
He was kind of a jerk toward his actresses.
Brand new dad Jay-Z released a brand new song about the birth of daughter, Blue Ivy, starting what may be the most unfair rap-battle of all time
Has anyone checked on Kanye? Betcha he's feeling threatened by the new baby and her ability to out-tantrum him.
The Vatican confirmed that it has lifted biographies for several Cardinals and church officials from Wikipedia pages, which would explain why so many of their top leaders support Ron Paul.
Charlie Sheen recently said in an interview "I'm not crazy any more." He added "I'm also not crazy any less. Just the same amount of crazy. Finally found the level that works for me. Just like a Number Bed."
Egyptian billionaire Naguib Sawiris is facing blasphemy charge for tweeting a picture of Mickey and Minnie Mouse in traditional, conservative Muslim clothing. More importantly, he's facing the wrath of Disney for using Mickey without permission.
And finally, American Idol host Randy Jackson called X-Factor a rip-off of American Idol, saying "we're the original, we kind of invented this whole game that everybody now copied," before adding "British version of what?"
That's all! Spencer's here tomorrow, and I'm back on Monday! I'M POSITIVELY GIDDY WITH ANTICIPATION! Till then, have a great day!
Oh, and if you're going to be in Oklahoma City on February 18th (a SATURDAY!), you really should come see me, BradChad Porter and the amazing Marc Maron! Tickets available at okccomedy.com
Outgoing Mississippi governor Haley Barbour tried to pardon and release 21 convicted murderers yesterday in the clearest indication yet that Governor Barbour is, in fact, an idiot. Or starting a secret criminal organization...
Speaking of secret criminals, actress Lindsay Lohan reportedly owes $94,000 in federal taxes from 2009. That kind of nasty tax-shock may explain why Lohan recently said she was going to "go party with those tea-baggers."
Actress Kim Novak said this week that she felt "violated" when she learned music from her film Vertigo appeared in The Artist. The screen legend said she hasn't felt this violated since she worked with Alfred Hitchcock.
He was kind of a jerk toward his actresses.
Brand new dad Jay-Z released a brand new song about the birth of daughter, Blue Ivy, starting what may be the most unfair rap-battle of all time
Has anyone checked on Kanye? Betcha he's feeling threatened by the new baby and her ability to out-tantrum him.
The Vatican confirmed that it has lifted biographies for several Cardinals and church officials from Wikipedia pages, which would explain why so many of their top leaders support Ron Paul.
Charlie Sheen recently said in an interview "I'm not crazy any more." He added "I'm also not crazy any less. Just the same amount of crazy. Finally found the level that works for me. Just like a Number Bed."
Egyptian billionaire Naguib Sawiris is facing blasphemy charge for tweeting a picture of Mickey and Minnie Mouse in traditional, conservative Muslim clothing. More importantly, he's facing the wrath of Disney for using Mickey without permission.
And finally, American Idol host Randy Jackson called X-Factor a rip-off of American Idol, saying "we're the original, we kind of invented this whole game that everybody now copied," before adding "British version of what?"
That's all! Spencer's here tomorrow, and I'm back on Monday! I'M POSITIVELY GIDDY WITH ANTICIPATION! Till then, have a great day!
Oh, and if you're going to be in Oklahoma City on February 18th (a SATURDAY!), you really should come see me, BradChad Porter and the amazing Marc Maron! Tickets available at okccomedy.com
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - March 17, 2011
Welcome back, hope you're having a wonderful (whatever time of day you're experiencing)! We've got a great blog for you today, so let's get to it!
Actress and director Jodie Foster once again defended Mel Gibson in the press, saying "I will love him for the rest of my life," before adding "but not like that. You know." Somewhere in federal prison, John Hinkley stared out a window and whispered "yeah, I know."
In literary news, Jermaine Jackson announced he is writing a book this week, and no one cared at all.
In England, a man was sentenced to 3.5 years in prison for forcing his stepson to sleep in a straightjacket and restraints. Let this serve as a warning: parents, don't try and force your children to live out your failed dream of being a famous escape artist. In all seriousness, it's pretty awful to make a kid sleep in a straightjacket, but at least he wasn't being raised in the Westboro Baptist Church.
In an unrelated story, the Republican National Committee is exploring the possibility of selling broadcast rights for the 2012 GOP Presidential Primary Debates. This makes sense, considering the candidates will have already been bought and paid for.
In Italy, Silvio Berlusconi defended himself in the press against charges that he paid for sex with 33 women in a two month period. His defense: he's too old to have had sex with them all in such a short amount of time. And that's probably true. He probably only banged some of them.
Disney announced today that the proposed remake of The Yellow Submarine has been cancelled, due to the fact that people aren't taking nearly enough psychedelic drugs for the film to be profitable.
Speaking of news that makes you think you've been drugged, Nevada's favorite daughter, Sharon Angle, is planning to run for the U.S. House of Representatives. The RNC has pledged its support, offering her a truckload of "Sharon Angle in 2011" yard signs.
And finally, Seann William Scott signed on for another sequel in the American Pie franchise, telling his fans "well, it was either this or another tired King Lear remake. And they very rarely let you drink a beer spiked with semen in Shakespeare. Don't worry, I know who I am."
That's all for me this week, I do hope you remember me fondly. Spencer is here tomorrow, and Earnest is back on Sunday, so do keep coming back! Let us know what you think, and please tell your friends!
Actress and director Jodie Foster once again defended Mel Gibson in the press, saying "I will love him for the rest of my life," before adding "but not like that. You know." Somewhere in federal prison, John Hinkley stared out a window and whispered "yeah, I know."
In literary news, Jermaine Jackson announced he is writing a book this week, and no one cared at all.
In England, a man was sentenced to 3.5 years in prison for forcing his stepson to sleep in a straightjacket and restraints. Let this serve as a warning: parents, don't try and force your children to live out your failed dream of being a famous escape artist. In all seriousness, it's pretty awful to make a kid sleep in a straightjacket, but at least he wasn't being raised in the Westboro Baptist Church.
In an unrelated story, the Republican National Committee is exploring the possibility of selling broadcast rights for the 2012 GOP Presidential Primary Debates. This makes sense, considering the candidates will have already been bought and paid for.
In Italy, Silvio Berlusconi defended himself in the press against charges that he paid for sex with 33 women in a two month period. His defense: he's too old to have had sex with them all in such a short amount of time. And that's probably true. He probably only banged some of them.
Disney announced today that the proposed remake of The Yellow Submarine has been cancelled, due to the fact that people aren't taking nearly enough psychedelic drugs for the film to be profitable.
Speaking of news that makes you think you've been drugged, Nevada's favorite daughter, Sharon Angle, is planning to run for the U.S. House of Representatives. The RNC has pledged its support, offering her a truckload of "Sharon Angle in 2011" yard signs.
And finally, Seann William Scott signed on for another sequel in the American Pie franchise, telling his fans "well, it was either this or another tired King Lear remake. And they very rarely let you drink a beer spiked with semen in Shakespeare. Don't worry, I know who I am."
That's all for me this week, I do hope you remember me fondly. Spencer is here tomorrow, and Earnest is back on Sunday, so do keep coming back! Let us know what you think, and please tell your friends!
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