Hi, everybody! Are you ready for Thursday? I damn sure am. Each Thursday brings us one week closer to the eventual cancellation of Whitney, so let's keep plugging along. I can't wait until I'm successful enough to have an awful show, too. Then finally me and Denis Leary will have something in common. Okay, enough snark. What is this, the Internet? Alright, let's see what's funny today that we won't give a crap about on Monday.
Bernie Madoff's wife revealed yesterday that after his arrest for stealing billions of dollars in a ponzi scheme, she and her husband tried to commit suicide. Well, thanks Bernie. Your association with it has finally removed any chance that anyone would ever think suicide is cool.
Speaking of sad times, reports are coming out about catastrophic morale problems among employees at Yahoo.com. The problem is worst for those employees who realize that they still work for Yahoo.com.
In entertainment news, Warner Bros will not be licensing its movies to Blockbuster for rental. Instead they will be opting for a plan where audiences are actually able to see the films.
A Federal judge in San Francisco just dismissed a class action suit against Yelp.com. Well, I know one judge who's yelp.com page is going to get some seriously great reviews.
In more legal news, family members of slain sociopath Moamar Gaddhafi (sp?) are planning to sue NATO for causing his recent death. They are going to be disappointed when they find out they don't control the courts any more. Also, Conrad Murray's legal team will be representing them.
Yesterday President Obama announced a plan to offer relief to those struggling with student loan debt. It's all part of his "hey, young people: remember when you used to like me? Come on, wouldn't it be fun to vote for me again?" campaign.
A study of population growth found that the population of the United Kingdom could reach 70m by 2027. Look out developing world, sounds like the Queen is about to get all colony-happy again.
And lastly, the Chinese government will be instituting new rules to curbing "overly entertaining" television programming from and inspired by the west, as the central government fears the population is becoming too devoted and preoccupied with entertaining television shows. NBC China will remain unchanged.
That's all! Spencer brings you jokes tomorrow, and I'll be back on Monday. Till then, follow me on twitter @SoonerSeth, keep reading the Late Night Morning and may your days always be great!
Showing posts with label blockbuster. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blockbuster. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 12, 2011
It's been a big day in the news, lots of stuff happened. Let's see if any of it is amusing.
China came under fire recently for cracking down on political and ideological dissidents. The White House issued a condemnation of the crackdown, saying "the Chinese government cannot stifle and oppress its people so harshly. Only Saudi Arabia can do that. So, China needs to get a lot more oil if they expect the rest of the world to stand idly by while a corrupt ruling class exploits the wealth of its country and people."
At a recent event in New Hampshire, when Vice President Joe Biden was asked how he would be assisting the President's re-election campaign he replied "What's that? Re-e-what-ion campaign? Oh, man, I need to read my email."
An accountant who turned his company in to the IRS last year for tax evasion got a reward of $1.4 million this year. He plans to start a non-profit organization devoted to cock-blocking.
In other financial news, Dish Network "won" a recent auction of the beleaguered Blockbuster Video chain, allowing them to finally corner the market in used Jean Claude Van Damme DVDs.
On the Today show last week, entrepreneur and hair pioneer Donald Trump said "I'm with the tea party," in a move that somehow simultaneously undermined the credibility of both Trump and the tea party movement.
The Department of Homeland Security is planning to use Facebook to post terror alerts online in users' news feeds. It's all part of a plan to root out terrorists by rounding up anyone who clicks "Like."
Speaking of terrorizing, a naked man in Florida, armed with an AK-47, opened fire on a robot used by the SWAT team as they tried to subdue him. He refused a lawyer, but did keep asking about Sarah Connor.
Lastly and at last, Pittsburgh Steeler and legendary lady's man Ben Roethlisberger announced last week that he will be tying the knot this summer. Hopefully that's not an allusion to a woman he's keeping tied to a chair in his house. If he is getting married, best of luck to the happy couple. Especially her. And to all you other ladies out there, looks like Pittsburgh just got a little safer.
That's it! Go out and have a great day! Thanks for stopping by, hope you had a laugh and if you did, share it with your friends. They'll think you're "cool." See you tomorrow!
China came under fire recently for cracking down on political and ideological dissidents. The White House issued a condemnation of the crackdown, saying "the Chinese government cannot stifle and oppress its people so harshly. Only Saudi Arabia can do that. So, China needs to get a lot more oil if they expect the rest of the world to stand idly by while a corrupt ruling class exploits the wealth of its country and people."
At a recent event in New Hampshire, when Vice President Joe Biden was asked how he would be assisting the President's re-election campaign he replied "What's that? Re-e-what-ion campaign? Oh, man, I need to read my email."
An accountant who turned his company in to the IRS last year for tax evasion got a reward of $1.4 million this year. He plans to start a non-profit organization devoted to cock-blocking.
In other financial news, Dish Network "won" a recent auction of the beleaguered Blockbuster Video chain, allowing them to finally corner the market in used Jean Claude Van Damme DVDs.
On the Today show last week, entrepreneur and hair pioneer Donald Trump said "I'm with the tea party," in a move that somehow simultaneously undermined the credibility of both Trump and the tea party movement.
The Department of Homeland Security is planning to use Facebook to post terror alerts online in users' news feeds. It's all part of a plan to root out terrorists by rounding up anyone who clicks "Like."
Speaking of terrorizing, a naked man in Florida, armed with an AK-47, opened fire on a robot used by the SWAT team as they tried to subdue him. He refused a lawyer, but did keep asking about Sarah Connor.
Lastly and at last, Pittsburgh Steeler and legendary lady's man Ben Roethlisberger announced last week that he will be tying the knot this summer. Hopefully that's not an allusion to a woman he's keeping tied to a chair in his house. If he is getting married, best of luck to the happy couple. Especially her. And to all you other ladies out there, looks like Pittsburgh just got a little safer.
That's it! Go out and have a great day! Thanks for stopping by, hope you had a laugh and if you did, share it with your friends. They'll think you're "cool." See you tomorrow!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 22, 2011
Oh, happy Tuesday to all you people reading this. Perhaps you'd like to hear some jokes?
Former Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbechev criticized Vladimir Putin yesterday, accusing him of "incredible conceit." Putin responded by calling Gorbechev a "national hero," saying "his passing is a great tragedy, and he will be missed. Rest in peace." He then whispered "hint, hint" to a man standing nearby in the shadows.
In other international news, a group of men in Zimbabwe were accused of plotting against President Mugabe and arrested for watching the news. Thankfully we live in a place where that wouldn't happen, because we've all chosen to ignore the news. Also, it's been rumored that the men were actually watching The Jersey Shore but would rather go to prison than admit it.
In business news, Blockbuster Video may be coming out of bankruptcy, thanks to a rumored $209 million buyout. A spokesman for Blockbuster said "yeah, we're as surprised as you are. Whatever happens, don't tell these guys about the Internet!"
An Egyptian couple recently named their baby "Facebook." This actually has less to do with the role played by social networking in the Egyptian revolution, and more to do with the fact that this baby is covered with targeted advertising.
Elsewhere in Egypt, former President Mubarak's assets have been frozen, which explains why he's been spotted recently wearing a shirt that says "I oppressed 18 million people for 30 years and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." Gadaffi said he wouldn't be caught dead in one.
In Wisconsin, Governor Scott Walker continues to have trouble with the various unions in the state. He is also worried about the sudden influx of Egyptians immigrating to the area.
In Florida, a mother forced her son to wear a sign announcing his 1.22 GPA to the world. Some people are raising concerns that the child is being humiliated or bullied needlessly, but it turns out he actually has no idea what's going on.
Lastly, 164 drug addicts escaped from a Vietnamese treatment facility this week. They're scheduled to be at Charlie Sheen's place by Friday.
That's it for today! If you liked this, please let your friends know! Repost us on Twitter, Facebook, Google Buzz (whatever it is) or just email us to anyone at all. And please leave some feedback, good or bad, below. Thanks, and have a wonderful Tuesday!
Former Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbechev criticized Vladimir Putin yesterday, accusing him of "incredible conceit." Putin responded by calling Gorbechev a "national hero," saying "his passing is a great tragedy, and he will be missed. Rest in peace." He then whispered "hint, hint" to a man standing nearby in the shadows.
In other international news, a group of men in Zimbabwe were accused of plotting against President Mugabe and arrested for watching the news. Thankfully we live in a place where that wouldn't happen, because we've all chosen to ignore the news. Also, it's been rumored that the men were actually watching The Jersey Shore but would rather go to prison than admit it.
In business news, Blockbuster Video may be coming out of bankruptcy, thanks to a rumored $209 million buyout. A spokesman for Blockbuster said "yeah, we're as surprised as you are. Whatever happens, don't tell these guys about the Internet!"
An Egyptian couple recently named their baby "Facebook." This actually has less to do with the role played by social networking in the Egyptian revolution, and more to do with the fact that this baby is covered with targeted advertising.
Elsewhere in Egypt, former President Mubarak's assets have been frozen, which explains why he's been spotted recently wearing a shirt that says "I oppressed 18 million people for 30 years and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." Gadaffi said he wouldn't be caught dead in one.
In Wisconsin, Governor Scott Walker continues to have trouble with the various unions in the state. He is also worried about the sudden influx of Egyptians immigrating to the area.
In Florida, a mother forced her son to wear a sign announcing his 1.22 GPA to the world. Some people are raising concerns that the child is being humiliated or bullied needlessly, but it turns out he actually has no idea what's going on.
Lastly, 164 drug addicts escaped from a Vietnamese treatment facility this week. They're scheduled to be at Charlie Sheen's place by Friday.
That's it for today! If you liked this, please let your friends know! Repost us on Twitter, Facebook, Google Buzz (whatever it is) or just email us to anyone at all. And please leave some feedback, good or bad, below. Thanks, and have a wonderful Tuesday!
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