Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 9, 2011

Hey, how is everyone? Keep in mind that if you shout at your computer really, really loudly, I can actually hear you. But only if it's very early in the morning and other people in the house are trying to sleep. So... there's that. And here's some jokes.

Broadway director Julie Taymor said yesterday that she is suing the producers of Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark for depriving her of her share of the show's royalties and violating her creative rights by forcing her out of the production. The producers offered her a chance to share in the production, however, saying they'd be happy to break her legs. Seems fair.

Stereotypical Hollywood douchebag Brett Ratner stepped down from his role as producer of the Oscar ceremony after he used a gay slur while promoting The Tower Heist. Ratner apologized for the remark, as well as for unintentionally linking the gay community to one of his shitty movies.

In other douchebags-stepping-down news, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi announced he will be resigning this week to devote himself to his first love: hookers.

Human Pez-dispenser Michelle Duggar is expecting her 20th child with husband Jim Bob. Or so she says... But seriously, enough people have passed through her uterus that it now qualifies as a flop house.

In an unrelated story, scream-rockers Linkin Park are partnering with the United Nations, for some reason, in order to provide clean energy to Haitian families impacted by the earthquake. Initially, the families refused to accept the assistance until they were assured that it in no way required them to enjoy the music of Linkin Park.

Yesterday in Blackmon-Leoni Township, Michigan, police caught a six-foot alligator near the Pathway Community Church. So in case Joe Paterno asks, that's what you're supposed to do when you see a six-foot predator on the prowl.

Actor and beard-enthusiast Matthew Fox demanded his trial for punching a bus driver go to a full jury. He'd better hope they didn't watch the LOST finale.

And finally, the White House issued an official statement yesterday denying that the administration has had any contact with aliens. Sure, that's what they say, but until I see a birth certificate, there's no way you're going to convince me James Carville is human.

Whew. That was a lot to get through. If you made it this far, you deserve a treat. So, here you go:

More tomorrow! Till then, have a great day and keep shouting at your computer!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 22, 2011

It's Two-Two-Tuesday And you know what that means! Good, then we don't have to talk about it. On with the blog!

Coalition forces bombing Tripoli nearly hit Colonel Gaddhafi's personal tent with a smart bomb this weekend in what some observers are calling a targeted attempt to kill the obviously nuts dictator. A spokesman for the coalition forces denied that Gaddhafi was being targeted personally by the bombing campaign, and further went on to say "wink!"

Back in America, T-Mobile has been fielding questions from consumers who are concerned about the impending purchase of the company by AT&T. The most popular question is, of course, will T-Mobile be offering iPhones? The answer, sadly, is no. However, T-Mobile customers can look forward to the same awful service that iPhone users have "enjoyed" for years. Thanks, Ma Bell!

The presidential election in Haiti wrapped up this week without serious incident. International observers were shocked to learn, though, that at least two people still wanted to be the president of Haiti.

Former rock singer Sammy Hagar has a new book out. Wait, that's not the weird part. Mr. Hagar revealed in the book that he's been abducted by aliens, on multiple occasions, beginning when he was four years old. It's at that point the story gets fishy. Really, Sammy, the aliens kept coming back for years to abduct you? Come on, you know everyone gets sick of you after one song.

In San Antonio, a man flipped out at Taco Bell when he discovered the price of his burrito had gone up since the last time he visited. First, he fired a BB gun at the cashier, then went to his car and got an assault rifle, which he fired at police and then barricaded himself inside until the cops threw tear gas inside. All over the price of a burrito at Taco Bell. Can you imagine what this guy did when he found out about Santa Claus?

Good news from Hollywood, as writers and studios reached a tentative agreement to continue working for the next three years. Writers will receive pay raises, as well as increased revenue from royalties. In Wisconsin, Governor Scott Walker said "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Elsewhere in Hollywood, actress Kate Walsh, the celebrated star of Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy said in an interview that at 43 years old, she feels like a loser for not having children. She then went on to add, "thank God I've still got my amazing television career. I mean, if I were 43, didn't have children and didn't have a successful television show, we'll I'd probably just kill myself."

Finally, Sarah Palin has been visiting Israel this week, but she's staying very far away from the press. 'Cause they're controlled by the you-know-who... Happy Purim, everyone!

That's all I can bring myself to write. Hope you enjoyed it! Click those buttons below, share us with your friends and come back tomorrow for more joyful tidings and jokes and things. Have a great day everyone!