Monday Morning Monologue - November 19, 2012

Senate Republicans are demanding that Ambassador Rice testify before Congress over misinformation she may have spread related to events in the middle east. "I'm not an ambassador," said Condoleeza Rice.

President Obama recently visited Myanmar, defending his choice to visit the repressive, undemocratic nation by saying that the trip was not an endorsement of the current regime and was intended to spread democracy. He went on to say that if it works in Myanmar, he might even try visiting Florida.

A judge in California ruled against Nicollette Sheridan's wrongful termination lawsuit against producers of Desperate Housewives. Furthermore, she was forced to pay a hefty fine for making the people continue to think about Desperate Housewives.

San Francisco city council is considering a ban on public nudity, which must mean that the population is finally getting older.

The University of Tennessee just fired its football coach. Probably because they didn't want to pay for his healthcare costs. Thanks a lot, Obama.

Governor Bobby Jindal said this weekend that the key to the GOP regaining power and relevance in American politics is to simply start liking people again. In response, former Vice President Dick Cheney told him to go fuck himself.

Actress Shannon Elizabeth is the new spokesperson for Farm Sanctuary's adopt-a-turkey program. She's hoping to become the Angelina Jolie of turkeys.

And finally, in Scotland archaeologists found evidence of a 10,000 year old dwelling, giving strong evidence to suggest that humanity has been suffering from clinical depression far longer than originally thought.

That's it!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 3, 2012

Oh, Spring. Thanks for the puffy eyes and mucus. It's like a horror movie out there. I had to take a Benadryl last week. Wow. They really should list on the side effects: increased likelihood of telling coworkers exactly what you think of them. Very dangerous. Okay, let's joke it up, y'all.

Chinese technology manufacturing firm Foxcon announced today that thanks to international human rights pressures, they'll be cutting hours and raising salaries for factory workers. You know, if their prices keep going up, they may have to find cheaper labor somewhere else. Like maybe Detroit?

Human media-empire Tyler Perry said yesterday that racial profiling is alive and well among law enforcement agencies. Case in point, the FBI is convinced that every African American person in the U.S. loves Tyler Perry movies.

In India, a couple rejected their newborn baby girl because they were first accidentally handed a baby boy. They're now suing for custody of the boy, proving that no matter where you go in the world, you're bound to find shitty people.

The U.S. Supreme Court upheld laws allowing for strip-searches for even minor offenses, including indecent exposure and public nudity.

British doctors are warning of an increased risk of flu transmission during the summer Olympics, due to the influx of people and viruses from all over the world. As a precaution, organizers are cancelling the 400 Meter Phlegm Relay.

Burmese democratic leader Aung San Suu Kyii announced her new plans for Burma, which is bad news for the police baton industry.

In the UK, citizens are angry over a proposed government electronic spying program, demanding that if their private data is going to be violated like that, they should at least get to play Angry Birds.

And finally, Sarah Palin will be hosting the Today Show this week, leading to the strange realization that for several hours, Kathie Lee will inadvertently be taken seriously.

Okay. Go forth and tell your friends! See you tomorrow, everyone.