One word: jokes.
Authorities in Arizona have charged two campers with sparking massive wildfires that ravaged the state this summer. The state has also preemptively declared them "Mexican."
Bad news today for crappy movies as a proposed "Ouija" movie was cancelled in a clear indication that sometimes God does listen to prayers.
In Kentucky, a jury threw out a lawsuit against a doctor who performed an emergency penis amputation on a patient who went in for a circumcision. When asked for reaction, the plaintiff said, "wow, this is a real kick in the stump."
Speaking of Dicks, former Vice President Dick Cheney said that his upcoming book will have "heads exploding" in Washington, DC. I really hope that's a metaphor.
Beer maker Heineken saw a steep sales slump this quarter. The leadership is so freaked out by the horrible sales, they even briefly considered making a beer that tasted good.
Paris Hilton's new reality show was cancelled, in yet another clear sign that God is listening to my prayers.
Following the east coast earthquake on Tuesday, many Californians took to social media networks to mock the reaction of east coast residents. Meanwhile, Los Angeles shut down after someone thought they felt rain falling on their arms.
And finally, this week a penguin visiting the set of Fox and Friends peed on Brian Kilmeade's shoe in another clear indication that COME ON, THIS IS GETTING FREAKY!
Okay, that's the end. Spencer is here tomorrow, and my new deodorant held up just fine, thank you very much. See you soon!
Till then, have a great week!
Showing posts with label earthquake. Show all posts
Showing posts with label earthquake. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 24, 2011
It's about time this week had a Wednesday. I'm trying out a new deodorant, and I'm very emotionally invested, so keep your fingers crossed! In the meantime, laugh it up.
Tropical Storm Irene was downgraded on Monday from a Category 2 to a Category 1 storm. Turns out that Irene also supported President Obama's financial regulatory reforms. S&P has gone mad with power. MAAAAAD!!!!
In other disaster news, the east coast was struck by a 5.8 magnitude earthquake, centered in Mineral, Virginia. It was is the result of shifting between tectonic plates, but New York district attorneys are already blaming Nafissatou Diallo for the disturbance.
The quake is similar to earthquakes on the west coast, except it has a better theater scene, wears more black, and never learned how to drive. Oh, New York City is different from Los Angeles! Cutting edge comedy from 1987!
Okay, so there was an earthquake, and a tropical storm is threatening to land on the east coast. What else could go wrong? What's that? Oh, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are moving back? Great. It's like Cloverfield all over again.
In Libya, rebel forces captured Colonel Gadhafi's compound while the Colonel went into hiding. It's like the most dramatic episode of Trading Spaces ever.
An Alaskan mother was arrested for abusing her son in order to get onto the Dr. Phil show, which is strange considering that watching Dr. Phil is considered child abuse.
In other news, former President Bill Clinton became a vegan recently, proving it's never too late to become insufferable. HA! Kidding. Veganism is awesome.
And finally, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett denied rumors they were splitting up. "That's just crazy," Smith said, "unlike Scientology, which is totally cool. Have you read Dianetics? There's some awesome stuff about spaceships in there."
And... scene. More tomorrow? Yes, and then some other stuff, too!
Till then, have a great day!
Tropical Storm Irene was downgraded on Monday from a Category 2 to a Category 1 storm. Turns out that Irene also supported President Obama's financial regulatory reforms. S&P has gone mad with power. MAAAAAD!!!!
In other disaster news, the east coast was struck by a 5.8 magnitude earthquake, centered in Mineral, Virginia. It was is the result of shifting between tectonic plates, but New York district attorneys are already blaming Nafissatou Diallo for the disturbance.
The quake is similar to earthquakes on the west coast, except it has a better theater scene, wears more black, and never learned how to drive. Oh, New York City is different from Los Angeles! Cutting edge comedy from 1987!
Okay, so there was an earthquake, and a tropical storm is threatening to land on the east coast. What else could go wrong? What's that? Oh, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are moving back? Great. It's like Cloverfield all over again.
In Libya, rebel forces captured Colonel Gadhafi's compound while the Colonel went into hiding. It's like the most dramatic episode of Trading Spaces ever.
An Alaskan mother was arrested for abusing her son in order to get onto the Dr. Phil show, which is strange considering that watching Dr. Phil is considered child abuse.
In other news, former President Bill Clinton became a vegan recently, proving it's never too late to become insufferable. HA! Kidding. Veganism is awesome.
And finally, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett denied rumors they were splitting up. "That's just crazy," Smith said, "unlike Scientology, which is totally cool. Have you read Dianetics? There's some awesome stuff about spaceships in there."
And... scene. More tomorrow? Yes, and then some other stuff, too!
Till then, have a great day!
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