Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 16, 2013

Twinkies are coming back, but the bad news is they're coming back smaller. But don't worry, the size of your ass will remain unchanged.

Warren Buffett is sponsoring a class in Internet philanthropy. Students will be giving away $100,000 of his money online. Truly a great day for Nigerian princes.

Scientists are predicting that soon the majority of our farming will be done by robots. So long as they have an open expansion slot for their green card.

Radiohead pulled its albums off of Spotify in protest of their payment structure. Fortunately, the albums are still available wherever fine music is stolen.

Geologists confirmed that volcanoes emit a high pitched noise, or scream, before eruption. Just one more way I'm like a volcano.

Anti-vaccine activist and general moron Jenny McCarthy just got hired for The View, or as it will be called next season, The Uninformed and Dangerously Stupid Opinion.

Experts testified yesterday that Michael Jackson stood to earn one billion dollars on his comeback tour. In MJ terms that's over 1000 chimpanzees and 300 giraffes. After taxes.

And finally, Texas state senator Wendy Davis reaped over one million dollars in campaign contributions following her recent filibuster, making her the best paid loiterer in history.

See ya tomorrow!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 2, 2013

Over the weekend in New York, a helicopter successfully landed in the middle of the Hudson River. Because that's how hard it is to find a helicopter parking space in the city.

In the Middle East, news coverage is completely dominated by protests in Egypt, which means this is the perfect time for a Middle-Eastern nip-slip to go unnoticed.

Apple Computers is rumored to be trying to lock down a trademark on the term "iWatch." Too bad the NSA beat them to it.

The underage sex-abuse lawsuit against Kevin Clash, the actor who played Elmo was dismissed yesterday because the judge ruled the plaintiffs waited too long to bring their action. The judge did also rule that Clash did not wait long enough before bringing his action.

It looks like Edward Snowden is stuck in Moscow, unable to get on a flight out of the country. Probably shouldn't have booked with Orbitz.

Scientists estimate that there are 60 billion habitable planets in the Milky Way galaxy, but that number goes way down when you factor in how far away they are from Trader Joe's.

A man at a bank in Orange County, California, was nearly arrested for wearing a surgical mask. Police were relieved to find out he was not a bank robber, but merely wearing the mask because he has cancer. Not relieved, but, you know.

And finally, after the thrilling efforts of Wendy Davis in Texas to block anti-abortion legislation, NBC has announced a new summer reality competition: "So You Think You Can Filibuster!" Harry Reid has already set his DVR.