Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 16, 2013

Twinkies are coming back, but the bad news is they're coming back smaller. But don't worry, the size of your ass will remain unchanged.

Warren Buffett is sponsoring a class in Internet philanthropy. Students will be giving away $100,000 of his money online. Truly a great day for Nigerian princes.

Scientists are predicting that soon the majority of our farming will be done by robots. So long as they have an open expansion slot for their green card.

Radiohead pulled its albums off of Spotify in protest of their payment structure. Fortunately, the albums are still available wherever fine music is stolen.

Geologists confirmed that volcanoes emit a high pitched noise, or scream, before eruption. Just one more way I'm like a volcano.

Anti-vaccine activist and general moron Jenny McCarthy just got hired for The View, or as it will be called next season, The Uninformed and Dangerously Stupid Opinion.

Experts testified yesterday that Michael Jackson stood to earn one billion dollars on his comeback tour. In MJ terms that's over 1000 chimpanzees and 300 giraffes. After taxes.

And finally, Texas state senator Wendy Davis reaped over one million dollars in campaign contributions following her recent filibuster, making her the best paid loiterer in history.

See ya tomorrow!

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