Firefighters in London report a surge of handcuff-related injuries from people inspired to reenact scenes from Fifty Shades of Grey. Who would have guessed people who loved that book would be too dumb to work a pair of handcuffs?
Scientists found that a diabetes pill has an anti-aging effect in lab mice. "Great news!" said the diabetic lab mice. "We were hoping to drag out this existence as long as possible!"
A man arrested by the DEA and left abandoned in a windowless cell for four days was just awarded a $4.1 million settlement, and a co-creator credit for the reality series based on his experiences. The show is called Drink Your Own Urine.
Dock workers in Los Angeles found a cat stowed away in a freighter that arrived from the Philippines. So now cats are sneaking into the country to take all our pooping-in-boxes-and-sleeping-all-day jobs.
New York City's large soda ban was just ruled unconstitutional, under the "Full Faith and Fatass" clause.
Anthony Weiner released a video yesterday saying that he won't quit. He won't quit the race mayoral race, and he won't quit describing his dick to strange women on the Internet.
Time Warner Cable has decided not to pull CBS from its cable service, despite ongoing contract renegotiations. So don't worry, you'll still be greeted by the latest episode of NCIS when you visit your grandparents.
And finally, mass killing suspect and militant racist Anders Breivik just applied to attend university. He's going to be so pissed off when he learns about affirmative action.
That's it!
No comments:
Post a Comment
Chime in!