Take that, Tuesday! And by "that" I mean "this." And by "this" I mean "these jokes." Enjoy!
An onboard fire has crippled another Costa Cruises ship, leaving passengers and crew stranded in the Indian Ocean. And no one on board is complaining. In a related story, Capt. Francesco Schettino immediately jumped into a boat upon hearing the news.
In Warren, Texas, a 12 year-old boy was detained at school for waving a loaded gun at a classmate during lunch. Although, since this is Texas, he may have just been pointing at the kid's Salisbury steak. Kids love that stuff.
In the UK, investigations into The Sun newspaper revealed a huge culture of illegal bribes and other payoffs. So, remind me again why American newspapers can't turn a profit?
Mary Jo Buttafuoco got remarried in Las Vegas. We wish her the best of luck. No joke here. The world needs another Buttafuoco joke like it needs a... never mind.
The Detroit Symphony paired up with Kid Rock for a fundraiser event. Proceeds will be used to help Kid Rock with his rent.
Intelligence firm Stratfor condemned WikiLeaks yesterday for releasing 5 million of the company's emails. Representatives called it a deplorable, unfortunate and illegal breach of privacy "that no one made any money off of."
The Sex Pistols signed with Universal, because, ultimately, nothing is more punk than a bunch of old geezers who still don't know anything about music taking a bunch of money from a faceless corporation trying to profit off of an ancient trend it still doesn't understand.
Punk's not dead, but it may be wearing a diaper.
And finally, Senegal's leader Abdoulaye Wade was booed as he cast his ballot in the country's presidential election, but that's probably because he was wearing a Patriot's jersey.
That's it! Hope you're having a great week! See you tomorrow!
Showing posts with label wikileaks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label wikileaks. Show all posts
Monday, February 27, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - February 27, 2012
Did anyone else watch the Oscars on Twitter last night? I wonder if anything else happened. Oh, wait, this stuff happened. And I wrote some jokes about it.
At a recent rally, Mitt Romney confused "conservatism" with "conservationism" and pledged to protect America's natural resources from harmful exploitation. I'm just kidding. He'd never do that.
The film Hugo picked up the first two Oscars last night, which led to some brief drama when it was explained to Hugo Chavez that he would not be able to make an acceptance speech. He then said that Billy Crystal smelled like brimstone.
Wikileaks has already leaked next year's winners.
At the technical awards ceremony, The Help took home the award for Outstanding Achievement in Craft Services. For the poop pie.
Filmmaker and actor Sacha Baron Cohen was allowed to wear his "Dictator" costume on the red carpet after pledging that he would not actually be entertaining (thus setting an unrealistic expectation for the rest of the evening).
Across town, Adam Sandler set a Razzie record with 11 nominations, the most for a single person in one year. Upon hearing the dis-honor, Mr. Sandler burst into tears and blew his nose on a stack of $1000 bills.
Even further away from the Oscars, Lucy Lawless was arrested for taking part in a Greenpeace protest against arctic drilling. First joke: think she's taking her name too seriously. Second joke: that sound you hear is a million Xena fans taking to the Internet to write Xena-in-prison erotic lesbian fanfiction. Please don't Google that.
And finally, women on Facebook are un-friending people at a much higher rate than men, says the scientist you stood up for a date last week.
That's all. Sorry for all the Oscar-bashing, but I watched last year's and I still hold a grudge. Happier times tomorrow!
At a recent rally, Mitt Romney confused "conservatism" with "conservationism" and pledged to protect America's natural resources from harmful exploitation. I'm just kidding. He'd never do that.
The film Hugo picked up the first two Oscars last night, which led to some brief drama when it was explained to Hugo Chavez that he would not be able to make an acceptance speech. He then said that Billy Crystal smelled like brimstone.
Wikileaks has already leaked next year's winners.
At the technical awards ceremony, The Help took home the award for Outstanding Achievement in Craft Services. For the poop pie.
Filmmaker and actor Sacha Baron Cohen was allowed to wear his "Dictator" costume on the red carpet after pledging that he would not actually be entertaining (thus setting an unrealistic expectation for the rest of the evening).
Across town, Adam Sandler set a Razzie record with 11 nominations, the most for a single person in one year. Upon hearing the dis-honor, Mr. Sandler burst into tears and blew his nose on a stack of $1000 bills.
Even further away from the Oscars, Lucy Lawless was arrested for taking part in a Greenpeace protest against arctic drilling. First joke: think she's taking her name too seriously. Second joke: that sound you hear is a million Xena fans taking to the Internet to write Xena-in-prison erotic lesbian fanfiction. Please don't Google that.
And finally, women on Facebook are un-friending people at a much higher rate than men, says the scientist you stood up for a date last week.
That's all. Sorry for all the Oscar-bashing, but I watched last year's and I still hold a grudge. Happier times tomorrow!
Monday, January 30, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 31, 2012
Hey hey! Sorry for the delay. Let's jump right into the funny.
Remember the Spice Girls? They're reuniting to perform for Queen Elizabeth's upcoming jubilee and to remind the nation that the Queen no longer has the power to jail or execute her subjects at will.
In Chicago, a man was arrested for sleeping in a parked SUV surrounded by empty beer cans. After his arrest, he peed on the floor at the police station and then entertained the officers with a rousing bit of air piano. You can see him next season on America's Got Talent.
Glee star Chris Colfer said that the upcoming Michael Jackson tribute episode was traumatic for him, probably because he's the one who got to star in their Pepsi commercial/Atavin mashup.
In North Korea, state media is reporting that new dear leader Kim Jong-Un is receiving "rock star treatment" from the military, which probably means he's been kidnapped from South Korea.
Also in Asia, the Japanese population is projected to drop by one million each year until at least 2060. Although the human/body pillow hybrid population is expected to skyrocket.
In Ohio, Willie Nelson is campaigning for Dennis Kucinich, which is exactly what both of them need to be taken more seriously.
In India, film censors have banned The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo for violent and sexual content, as well as an unacceptably low number of show-stopping song and dance numbers.
And finally, Julian Assange will be on The Simpsons' 500th episode! The story was released by blah blah blah wikileaks.
And that's it! Enjoy your morning, and I'll see you tomorrow!
Remember the Spice Girls? They're reuniting to perform for Queen Elizabeth's upcoming jubilee and to remind the nation that the Queen no longer has the power to jail or execute her subjects at will.
In Chicago, a man was arrested for sleeping in a parked SUV surrounded by empty beer cans. After his arrest, he peed on the floor at the police station and then entertained the officers with a rousing bit of air piano. You can see him next season on America's Got Talent.
Glee star Chris Colfer said that the upcoming Michael Jackson tribute episode was traumatic for him, probably because he's the one who got to star in their Pepsi commercial/Atavin mashup.
In North Korea, state media is reporting that new dear leader Kim Jong-Un is receiving "rock star treatment" from the military, which probably means he's been kidnapped from South Korea.
Also in Asia, the Japanese population is projected to drop by one million each year until at least 2060. Although the human/body pillow hybrid population is expected to skyrocket.
In Ohio, Willie Nelson is campaigning for Dennis Kucinich, which is exactly what both of them need to be taken more seriously.
In India, film censors have banned The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo for violent and sexual content, as well as an unacceptably low number of show-stopping song and dance numbers.
And finally, Julian Assange will be on The Simpsons' 500th episode! The story was released by blah blah blah wikileaks.
And that's it! Enjoy your morning, and I'll see you tomorrow!
Monday, May 30, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 31, 2011
Good (insert time of day here) everybody! Well, looks like summer is here, unofficially of course. Granted, the equinox may not have happened yet, or the solstice, or whatever it is, but it's summer. Can we all agree on that? Yeah, facts and science are dumb. Let's trust our feelings. Did I mention that it's good I'm not a doctor? Any time you think that our educational system isn't working properly, you just remember that it worked well enough to steer me away from medicine. And into comedy. Sort of. Anyway...
Speaking of steering, a woman in Saudi Arabia was recently jailed for driving. I assume she was driving dangerously and erratically. I mean, otherwise, what sense would there be in locking a woman up just for driving? Oh, that would be something, huh? What a crazy world that would be! Hmm. That's not a terribly funny joke. How about if I mentioned how she was using the rear view mirror to put lipstick on her burqa?
Speaking of insanity, Sarah Palin, who is totally not running for president right now you guys, said at a recent press event that she didn't owe the mainstream media anything. When asked if she was familiar with hubris, the former Governor replied, "oh sure, yeah, I've got lots of Jewish friends."
In Sweden, the Swedish King of Sweden, King Gustav XVI of Sweden, denied reports that photographs exist of him cavorting with naked women at a sex club. The King issued a statement in his defense, saying, "come on, I'm not British." In a related story, what's the point of being the King of Sweden if you can't get the ladies to come to you? Offer them the Nobel Prize for Booty Shaking or something, at least!
Alright, speaking of party chicks in Europe, "Snooki" crashed her car into an Italian cop car this weekend. Well done, Snooki. Authorities actually said alcohol was not a contributing factor for the crash, but they could not rule out the big part played by stupidity.
Back in America, Internet "hacktivists" attacked PBS over a story on Wikileaks. They broke into the PBS Twitter account (yes, there is one) and published a false story about Tupac Shakur living secretly in New Zealand. The hackers pulled the same prank on FOX News, but no one could tell the difference.
ZING!
Producers of the non-cancelled show Cougar Town are considering a title change, as they feel that Cougar Town does not fully reflect the breadth of the show. Top contender for the new name? MILF City.
Back in Europe, Germany announced that due to its dangerous and unpredictable nature, they will be abandoning nuclear power by 2022. They're still undecided on what to do about salad.
Lastly, you've probably heard about the new Google wallet app, which will make it easier to pay for things. I don't know if Google really understands that it isn't the inconvenience that's stopping people from buying things. It's usually poverty. No one walks up to a counter, reaches for their wallet and stops halfway, weakened from the exertion. Maybe I'm being a bit of a Luddite about this. But I do know if Google really wants people to use their wallet app, they'd best get working on a way to keep a condom in it.
THAT'S THE END! Best go back to pretending to work now. We'll be back tomorrow and Thursday, then Spencer and Earnest will see you though the weekend. It's going to be glorious. Alright, we'll do this again soon, alright? Till then, have a great day!
Speaking of steering, a woman in Saudi Arabia was recently jailed for driving. I assume she was driving dangerously and erratically. I mean, otherwise, what sense would there be in locking a woman up just for driving? Oh, that would be something, huh? What a crazy world that would be! Hmm. That's not a terribly funny joke. How about if I mentioned how she was using the rear view mirror to put lipstick on her burqa?
Speaking of insanity, Sarah Palin, who is totally not running for president right now you guys, said at a recent press event that she didn't owe the mainstream media anything. When asked if she was familiar with hubris, the former Governor replied, "oh sure, yeah, I've got lots of Jewish friends."
In Sweden, the Swedish King of Sweden, King Gustav XVI of Sweden, denied reports that photographs exist of him cavorting with naked women at a sex club. The King issued a statement in his defense, saying, "come on, I'm not British." In a related story, what's the point of being the King of Sweden if you can't get the ladies to come to you? Offer them the Nobel Prize for Booty Shaking or something, at least!
Alright, speaking of party chicks in Europe, "Snooki" crashed her car into an Italian cop car this weekend. Well done, Snooki. Authorities actually said alcohol was not a contributing factor for the crash, but they could not rule out the big part played by stupidity.
Back in America, Internet "hacktivists" attacked PBS over a story on Wikileaks. They broke into the PBS Twitter account (yes, there is one) and published a false story about Tupac Shakur living secretly in New Zealand. The hackers pulled the same prank on FOX News, but no one could tell the difference.
ZING!
Producers of the non-cancelled show Cougar Town are considering a title change, as they feel that Cougar Town does not fully reflect the breadth of the show. Top contender for the new name? MILF City.
Back in Europe, Germany announced that due to its dangerous and unpredictable nature, they will be abandoning nuclear power by 2022. They're still undecided on what to do about salad.
Lastly, you've probably heard about the new Google wallet app, which will make it easier to pay for things. I don't know if Google really understands that it isn't the inconvenience that's stopping people from buying things. It's usually poverty. No one walks up to a counter, reaches for their wallet and stops halfway, weakened from the exertion. Maybe I'm being a bit of a Luddite about this. But I do know if Google really wants people to use their wallet app, they'd best get working on a way to keep a condom in it.
THAT'S THE END! Best go back to pretending to work now. We'll be back tomorrow and Thursday, then Spencer and Earnest will see you though the weekend. It's going to be glorious. Alright, we'll do this again soon, alright? Till then, have a great day!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - February 3, 2011
What's more fun than a season full of snow and ice? How about some jokes?
It was Groundhog Day yesterday, and Punxsutawney Phil came out of his hole to predict an early Spring before he unfortunately froze to death in the icy rain.
In entertainment news, reports surfaced this week that television star Tracy Morgan received a kidney from his ex-girlfriend, which is way more impressive than the standard booty call.
It was Groundhog Day yesterday, and Punxsutawney Phil came out of his hole to predict an early Spring before he unfortunately froze to death in the icy rain.
In entertainment news, reports surfaced this week that television star Tracy Morgan received a kidney from his ex-girlfriend, which is way more impressive than the standard booty call.
Musician Elton John said this week that he's worried about his friend and beard-enthusiast Billy Joel, who he says needs serious rehab. Billy Joel responded by saying that Elton John needs another dead Princess to jump start his career.
In politics, California Governor Jerry Brown compared the state of California to Egypt, which really isn't fair, considering that Egypt isn't bankrupt yet.
The Environmental Protection Agency announced yesterday that they would, for the first time, take steps to limit the amount of the rocket fuel Perchlorate in drinking water supplies. This move comes as part of the Obama administration's new effort to keep people from getting cancer and exploding.
In Japan, thirteen sumo wrestlers are under investigation for fixing fights. In America, that's called "Professional Wrestling."
Farrah Fawcett's famous red swimsuit, worn in her famous pinup poster, went to the Smithsonian this week. It will be displayed alongside the Venus of Malta as the centerpiece in the new "Hall of Masturbation."
Lastly, the website WikiLeaks was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize this week. In a related story, Perez Hilton was nominated for a Humanitas Award. One pundit noted, "hey, if The Tourist can get nominated for Best Comedy or Musical, then all bets are off."
That's it for me this week.
Spencer Hicks is in tomorrow, and Earnest Pettie will be bringing you some laughter on Sunday. So, thanks for stopping by! Come back soon and tell your friends!
Monday, December 27, 2010
Monday Morning Monologue - December 27, 2010
Alright, lets’ get to it.
Due to a massive blizzard on the east coast, hundreds of flights have been cancelled, stranding thousands of passengers across the country. On the upside, the TSA is offering free pat-downs for bored, lonely travelers.
Janet Napolitano announced that in addition to the pat-downs, the full body scanners will remain in place permanently. She did admit that the scanners are unable to detect certain types of explosives, but they’re getting really good at finding nipple piercings.
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