Monday Morning Monologue - December 27, 2010

Alright, lets’ get to it.


Due to a massive blizzard on the east coast, hundreds of flights have been cancelled, stranding thousands of passengers across the country. On the upside, the TSA is offering free pat-downs for bored, lonely travelers.


Janet Napolitano announced that in addition to the pat-downs, the full body scanners will remain in place permanently. She did admit that the scanners are unable to detect certain types of explosives, but they’re getting really good at finding nipple piercings.




South Carolina recently celebrated the 150th anniversary of secession, amid claims from self-proclaimed Neo-Confederates that the civil war was about state’s rights, not slavery. In a related story, fans of Playboy Magazine announced they read the magazine for its articles, and not to masturbate to pictures of naked women.


Speaking of Playboy, Hugh Hefner is engaged to a 24 year old woman with severe grand-daddy issues. Before you accuse him of robbing the cradle, keep in mind that he probably has no idea that any of this is happening, or even that he’s still alive.


Julian Assange recently signed a one million dollar book deal to publish his memoirs. Sales are expected to initially be high until someone posts it online.


Former President Jimmy Carter is making progress in his lifelong struggle to eradicate the parasite known as the Guinea Worm. When asked why he has devoted so much of his life to this cause, Carter answered “because I love killing worms, don’t you? They’re so gross! Come on, let’s go squish some right now! This is how we have fun in Georgia!”


Lastly, a man in Connecticut was arrested after he attempted to rob a restaurant using an iPhone. He should have known that only Apple and AT&T are allowed to rob people with iPhones.


That’s it. I’ve gotta go charge my phone.