Alright, lets’ get to it.
CNN is releasing a new iPad app, so now you can continue to ignore the channel in a whole new format.
In Italy, embattled Prime Minister Berlusconi survived a vote of no confidence recently, leading to speculation that Italian lawmakers are unaware of what the word “confidence” means. When reached for comment, Berlusconi said “I’m as shocked as you are. Now, where are the rest of my hookers? Hey, I can’t help it! I’m ridiculous!”
A recent survey revealed that 1 in 5 New Jersey residents were born outside of America, leading to the inescapable conclusion that the rest of the world TOTALLY SUCKS COMPARED TO NEW JERSEY! YEEEEEAAAAHHHHH! JERSEY! JERSEY! JERSEY! JERSEY!
A Wisconsin postal employee recently delivered the mail to a woman while completely naked because she “seemed stressed out.” This is also why he was fired from his last job, working as a chef at Olive Garden.
The Air Force is now blocking its personnel from accessing news websites that publish classified material released by Wikileaks. One 19 year-old Airman responded “but I can still email tens of thousands of classified documents out, right? They haven’t blocked that yet? No? Cool. Hey, you guys wanna read some classified documents?”
House Democrats moved to reintroduce legislation repealing the failed "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell" policy. The legislation is expected to be unpopular with many members of Congress who don't necessarily want to go on record as being reactionary homophobes. Hey, homophobic members of Congress, don't hate the player, hate the game! Actually, maybe try not being so hateful in general.
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is considering keeping the Senate in session over Christmas to capitalize on his momentum after the Obama/GOP tax compromise. “Just think,” Reid explained, “with an extra week, we could pass even more crappy, watered-down legislation. How am I still in charge of anything?”
Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are ending their two year marriage. Wait, did he make a movie with Angelina Jolie? In a related story, no one cares anymore about Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter’s divorce. Good luck on the dating scene, you poor, unfortunate, sexy millionaires.
That’s it, I’m gonna go watch Dexter.
Seth, you make my morning drag just a bit more tolerable. But just a bit. Keep at it and one day you just might make it to a bit more. You can do it!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Ricky! Glad to lessen the drag, even a bit.
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