Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 29, 2010

Alright, lets’ get to it.


In a diplomatic cable sent last year, Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai said he longs for the “golden age” of President Bush’s first few years in office. When asked to explain his comments, Karzai said “really, I just miss the music of N’Sync. Plus, we’ve got the bar set pretty low for ‘golden ages’ in a place like Afghanistan.”




New Jersey Governor Christie came under fire for staying at Disney World during the recent blizzard. Christie responded by saying, “you’re probably better off handling this without me. I’m really no good in crisis situations. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a timed ticket for Space Mountain.”


In New York, 400 people were trapped on a city train for 8 hours with little heat, no water and limited access to restrooms. Still, it’s better than Greyhound.


Speaking of trains, saboteurs in North Korea destroyed a train loaded with birthday gifts for the country’s next leader, Kim Jong Un. Fortunately, this was the train filled with expensive watches and televisions, and not the puppy train.


The new Microsoft Kinekt game controller has been hacked to allow users to play World of Warcraft without a keyboard and mouse, which will free up players’ hands allowing for unprecedented Cheetos consumption.


Several iPhone application developers were recently accused of passing user data to advertising companies without their consent. When reached for comment, a representative responded “oops. That totally won’t happen again. You can trust us.”


Pop star Rihanna was dumped by her boyfriend recently. A source close to the singer reported she was “hit hard by the news, but at least she wasn’t bitten.”


Lastly, PepsiCo is launching a new “snackified” fruit drink, which turns real fruit into a beverage. A spokesman for the company said “we’re very excited about this new drink, we just hope no one realizes it’s only repackaged baby food.” No word yet on a similar offering from the makers of Slim Jims.


That’s it. I’m going to go throw up now.