Friday Morning Monologue - December 31, 2010

Alright, let's get to it.

Mayor Bloomberg is taking strong criticism from New Yorkers over his poor handling of the recent blizzard. Offering support, former President George W. Bush suggested Bloomberg should tour the area in a jet and then convince New Yorkers that Iraq caused the blizzard, adding "I got to be President for 8 years! You'll never take that away from me! HA HA HA HA HA!"

In California, the founder of one of America's largest porn companies is interested in purchasing the home of "Octomom" Nadya Suleman, because of course he is. The not-at-all creepy real estate deal would allow the Suleman horde to avoid eviction and allow Nadya to rededicate herself to her true calling, creeping America out. Suleman's generous benefactor has previously made substantial, but unsuccessful, offers to entice her into the adult entertainment industry, because of course he has.

American airports are considering hiring private security firms to take over passenger screenings. Hey, what's the worst that could happen?

Two Mississippi sisters may be released from prison, where both are serving double life sentences, on the condition that the older sister donate a kidney to the younger sister. The sisters are serving time for their part in a 1993 robbery in which two men were ambushed and robbed of eleven dollars. This story makes no sense until you remember that the Mississippi penal code was written by filling out a Mad-Lib.

Facebook recently surpassed Google as the most popular website on the Internet, confirming the theory that humanity is now bored with pornography. If only there were some public figure who could re-ignite the world's filthy imagination, perhaps someone already famous for having a super-human vagina... but who?

Underage drinking this weekend is expected to increase the number of teens admitted to emergency rooms by 250% compared to other days of the year as kids attempt to learn how to hold their booze in preparation for the upcoming traditional Mardi Gras, Saint Patrick's Day and Spring Break drinking binges. If only elections had awesome keg-stands, the youth vote would finally matter.

Big news from Broadway as the lead actress from the new Spider-Man musical dropped out of the production citing creative differences between director Julie Taymor and her spine, saying "it's a great show, but I really like not being paralyzed."

Lastly, Milwaukee, Wisconsin was named this year's drunkest city, which is great news for ugly people who want to have sex.

That's it. Boomer Sooner.