Monday Morning Monologue - January 3, 2011

Alright, let's get to it.

Gwenyth Paltrow recently credited her costar Robert Downey, Jr. for teaching her how to convincingly play a drug addict. In response, Downey said "I do not remember that at all."

Speaking of drugs, Paula Abdul said this week that she's never been drunk and does not use "recreational drugs." She later clarified her statement, saying "listen, I was totally high when I said that. Just disregard it. Now, are you guys holding?"

Delta and American Airlines have removed their fares from several online booking sites, saying that "the process has gotten entirely too easy and pleasant for customers. We need to make booking tickets more difficult, expensive and illogical. We're considering switching the sites to Latin-language only, including Roman numerals. You don't like it? Tough. Go ride a bus! HA HA HA HA!"

Women in China are eating roundworms to lose weight before job interviews. In an ironic twist, most of the women end up blowing the interviews by dragging their asses across the carpet. Rookie mistake.

A new law lowered the liquor tax in Boston stores this week, making liquor more affordable and attainable in the normally dry and uptight city. This is especially great news for people who think Boston doesn't have enough drunken riots.

Speaking of drunken riots, prisoners in London rioted this weekend when guards attempted to confiscate contraband alcohol. A spokesman for the prison said "this is a shocking turn of events. We did not expect this large group of convicted criminals to react with violence when we tried to take away something that makes them happy that they worked so hard to smuggle in."

David Arquette entered rehab this week, saying "I heard people in rehab don't get to watch TV, so they probably haven't heard me talk about the intimate, personal details of my marriage to Courtney Cox. I figured I should just go ahead and tell them individually, in person, all about it," adding "hey, did I tell you guys about how I cry during sex? Wanna hear how it sounds?"

On his last day in office, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenneger used the power of his office to pardon himself for starring and participating in the film Junior.

And finaly, Lindsay Lohan was released from rehab this week. She told reporters, "I'm just taking it one day at a time, trying really hard not to attack any more orderlies or other clinic employees. Also, did you guys hear about Courtney Cox and David Arquette? I just found out! It's so sad!"

That's it. Let's go watch Scream.