Alright, let's get to it.
In the UK, a man was convicted this week of illegally riding a Segway personal scooter on a paved walkway. The driver of the Segway, classified as a motor vehicle under British law, said "I had no idea that we were so lame as a people that we are afraid of Segway scooters on our sidewalks. Seriously, someone needs to give our entire nation an atomic wedgie, because we have become the planet's new nerds."
In Italy, opposition to the Berlusconi administration is calling for the prime minister to resign over his multiple sex scandals, including alleged sex with an underage prostitute. Hoping to avert further damage to the government, the Catholic Church has offered to move Berlusconi and set him up as Prime Minister of another country.
In Haiti, charges were filed against former dictator Jean-Claude "Baby Doc" Duvalier, stemming from his tyrannical rule of Haiti in the 1970s and 1980s. Duvalier expressed shock at his arrest, saying "I don't know, it just didn't occur to me that people would still be upset about this after all these years!" In a related story, Roman Polanski is still a rapist.
In Connecticut, Senator Joe Lieberman announced that he will not be seeking a fifth term. The leader of the "Connecticut For Lieberman" political party explained that serving as a senator was seriously cutting into his "me time."
In entertainment news, Jennifer Aniston said in an interview that she hates the "Rachel" haircut she made famous. Strangely, she had nothing to say about the films Leprechaun, Rumor Has It..., The Break-Up, He's Just Not That Into You, or The Bounty Hunter.
In other entertainment news, the series finale for Hanna Montana aired this week, leaving the nation's pedophiles with an extra half hour of free time each week. Surely they'll find something to occupy themselves with.
In other other entertainment news, Regis Philbin announced he will retire from hosting Live With Regis and Kelly at the end of the year. He does, however, plan to continue yelling at Gelman whenever he feels like it.
Lastly, Chinese President Hu Jintao is visiting the United States this week, and joined President Obama for a state dinner at the White House. In an awkward move at the end of the meal, President Obama leaned over and asked President Jintao, "uh, can you get the check tonight? Seems like we're a bit tapped out right now. Don't worry, we'll pay you back. Eventually. Probably."
That's it. Don't forget your fortune cookie.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Chime in!