Alright, let's get to it.
The Catholic Church is teaming up with Discovery Channel to produce a reality show based upon exorcisms, because who needs respect and dignity when you can be on television? A preliminary treatment indicates that viewers can vote for their favorite demons from week to week and, of course, Ryan Seacrest will host.
The study linking childhood vaccinations to autism was revealed to be a hoax this week, leading many parents to question the wisdom of ever trusting Jenny McCarthy’s medical judgment in the first place.
Microsoft denied claims this week that the new Kineckt device is causing XBOX 360 consoles to break down, saying “those machines were going to break anyway. Honestly, they’re just not built very well, and we all know it.”
It was announced today that White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs is leaving his job in early February. Well, actually it was announced two weeks ago, but the White House has been really bad about getting the message out.
Secretary Gibbs read the announcement at a press briefing, saying “I didn’t write that.” He then looked up at White House Communications Director Dan Pfeifer and asked “Really, Dan? This is how you tell me?”
Starbucks will soon remove the words “Starbucks” and “coffee” from the company logo, prompting outrage from many loyal customers. A statement from the company read in part, “while we appreciate that this change has angered some of our customers, those people are probably douchebags if they really get that wound up about our logo. SUCK IT!”
Congressman John Boehner was sworn in as Speaker of the House today. Of course he cried. Before breaking down into manly sobs, the new Speaker whispered “I promised I wouldn’t cry.” Surely, that will be the only promise he breaks.
This year, the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology will publish evidence of ESP in humans. The Church of Scientology has come out strongly in support of the research, saying “we applaud this bold new direction in fictional science. Also, have you seen that new exorcism reality show? Suddenly we don’t seem so creepy and fake, huh? Right? Come on, who wants a stress test?”
That's it. But you already knew I’d say that.
The Catholic Church is teaming up with Discovery Channel to produce a reality show based upon exorcisms, because who needs respect and dignity when you can be on television? A preliminary treatment indicates that viewers can vote for their favorite demons from week to week and, of course, Ryan Seacrest will host.
The study linking childhood vaccinations to autism was revealed to be a hoax this week, leading many parents to question the wisdom of ever trusting Jenny McCarthy’s medical judgment in the first place.
Microsoft denied claims this week that the new Kineckt device is causing XBOX 360 consoles to break down, saying “those machines were going to break anyway. Honestly, they’re just not built very well, and we all know it.”
It was announced today that White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs is leaving his job in early February. Well, actually it was announced two weeks ago, but the White House has been really bad about getting the message out.
Secretary Gibbs read the announcement at a press briefing, saying “I didn’t write that.” He then looked up at White House Communications Director Dan Pfeifer and asked “Really, Dan? This is how you tell me?”
Starbucks will soon remove the words “Starbucks” and “coffee” from the company logo, prompting outrage from many loyal customers. A statement from the company read in part, “while we appreciate that this change has angered some of our customers, those people are probably douchebags if they really get that wound up about our logo. SUCK IT!”
Congressman John Boehner was sworn in as Speaker of the House today. Of course he cried. Before breaking down into manly sobs, the new Speaker whispered “I promised I wouldn’t cry.” Surely, that will be the only promise he breaks.
This year, the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology will publish evidence of ESP in humans. The Church of Scientology has come out strongly in support of the research, saying “we applaud this bold new direction in fictional science. Also, have you seen that new exorcism reality show? Suddenly we don’t seem so creepy and fake, huh? Right? Come on, who wants a stress test?”
That's it. But you already knew I’d say that.
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