Monday, January 31, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - January 31, 2011

Good morning and Happy Monday to you all! Now, for the jokes:

Violence continued in Egypt all weekend as protesters demanded the removal of President Hosni Mubarak from power. In the midst of this chaos, which threatens to topple the government, President Mubarak appointed Omar Suleiman as his Vice President. Good luck to VP Suleiman in this new and exciting phase of his career!

In a move meant to appease the protesters, President Mubarak asked his entire cabinet to resign. In a related story, Jay Leno just fired his writing staff.

Elsewhere in Africa, vote counting in Southern Sudan revealed that over 99% of voters favor splitting with the north. When asked to explain the amazingly high result, one political pundit said "it could be a negative reaction people had to the Janjaweed death squads from the north. Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and blame this one on the death squads."

In other breakup news, Chris Brown completed his court-ordered domestic violence program, bringing to a close the legal fallout from his violent and public breakup with singer Rhianna. You know what that means? He's finally single, ladies! And rest assured, any abuse he inflicts on you will only be emotional! What a catch!

Speaking of catches, rapper Bruno Mars struck a deal last week in his cocaine possession case. He agreed to pay a fine and serve probation in exchange for a dismissal of the more serious charges. Mars released a statement that read in part, "I've never been so happy to not be black."

Staying with entertainment, award-winning actor Sir Anthony Hopkins is now lobbying for the role of Alfred Hitchcock in a story of the legendary director's life. No such film project has been announced, leading to speculation that Hopkins just wants to get really fat but is going to say he's doing it for a roll. Enjoy the gravy, Sir Anthony.

The Department of Homeland Security is phasing out the color-coded threat level system currently used to scare and inform the American people regarding real and perceived threats of terrorism. No word yet about what will replace the color levels, although sources confirm that it will be "just as vague, useless and arbitrary as the current model. Also, you can't have magazines on airplanes anymore. Sorry!"

Lastly, the "Octomom" has finally and definitively turned down the offer from Vivid Entertainment to star in a pornographic movie. She explained in an interview "this was a tough choice, but I'm proud of myself for finally deciding not to do something weird with my vagina."

That's it. I'm gonna go do something weird.

Hope you enjoyed the jokes. Feel free to leave a comment and/or tell your friends! See you tomorrow!

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