Alright, let's get to it.
In Texas, Representative Gabrielle Giffords recovered enough strength recently to watch an hour of television. The wounded congresswoman reportedly watched CNN for the entire hour, proving once again just how tough she really is.
In what can only be described as an act of open warfare against a sovereign nation, the cast of MTV's The Jersey Shore will be moving to Italy next season. Prime Minister Berlusconi is looking forward to no longer being the most embarrassing Italian stereotype on the beaches. No word yet if he will join the cast.
Jimmy Buffet was released from the hospital today after falling off the stage at a recent concert. When asked to speculate as to why he took the tumble, the singer replied "some people claim that there's a woman to blame, but I know it's my own damn fault."
A recent medical study linked insomnia to increased depression, immune deficiency and heart disease, which is great news for insomniacs who needed something else to worry about while they're up all night.
In royal wedding news, Prince William and Kate Middleton sent out their save the date notices via fax. Looks like this will be a truly classy affair.
In sports news, the Chairman of Fox Sports said this weekend that he would like to see NASCAR races shortened to fit in three-hour programming blocks. When asked how this might be possible, he said "I don't know. If only there were some way for the races to be completed in a shorter amount of time... but how?!"
Viewership for second episode of the new MTV program Skins plunged this week as audiences realized that they could just as easily turn to the Internet for actual pornography, most of which will have more realistic dialog and fully fleshed-out characters.
Lastly, former television star Kelsey Grammer is lobbying for his own reality show, claiming that he can be an even more embarrassing spectacle than his ex-wife, who was featured on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. "Did she ever flip a car," he recently asked of no one in particular, "or propose to a flight attendant? I'm a way bigger screw-up and drama queen than she'll ever be. Yeah, I'll show 'em... I'll show 'em all!"
That's it.
Hope you enjoyed the jokes! Tell your friends, spread the word, answer the poll question and/or leave a comment if you're so moved. Spencer Hicks will make you laugh tomorrow, and I'll be back Monday.
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