Alright, let's get to it.
Myspace announced today that they will be letting go half of their workforce. The announcement initially went out as a Myspace message, but no one read it, as they assumed it was just another invitation to see a concert from a band they used to like five years ago. It did, however, eventually turn up in Rupert Murdoch's Twitter feed.
Following a diplomatic dust-up between Egypt and the Vatican, Egypt is recalling its ambassador to the Vatican, leading many to wonder "why does Egypt have an ambassador to the Vatican? And where does he live? Is there a compound? The place is so tiny!"
In other Vatican news, the tiny religious nation announced it is not affiliated with an upcoming Discovery Channel program about exorcisms but were not condemning the show, either. One Church official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said "We misunderstood the premise. These are the same people who did Laguna Beach, so naturally we thought the show would be about demons being cast out of them. Looks like we were wrong. Not that we're ever wrong! Dang!"
China tested a stealth fighter this week, amidst great fanfare which one would think undermines the point of a stealth fighter. Not to be outdone, however, North Korea announced that it, too had tested a stealth fighter. The heavily armed and paranoid country claims its stealth fighter is actually invisible. And also it is a robot. That turns into a dragon. No word yet on any laser-blaster capabilities.
Verizon announced it will begin offering the iPhone, following a deal with Apple. Verizon customers are now looking forward to the same awful reception and clogged networks that AT&T customers have enjoyed for years. Kudos, Verizon!
Archaeologists have uncovered what is possibly the world's oldest known winery in Armenia, leading to speculation that Armenians may have been the first pretentious a-holes to say "you have to let it breathe."
Julian Assange was back in a London courtroom this week, doing his best impression of Roman Polanski. The creepy Australian info-phile argued that by being sent to Sweden to face rape charges, he might wind up in America, where he could be charged with espionage and subjected to the death penalty by the Department of Justice. When asked why he would suspect such an outlandish conspiracy, Assange replied "because I'm reading Eric Holder's emails!"
And lastly, public schools in Raleigh, North Carolina, are dismantling decades-old integration laws. When asked if this was a move toward the segregationist policies that dominated southern schools before Brown v. The Topeka Board of Education, a representative from the school board said, "yeah, I can see why you might think that." He then stood in awkward silence for a several seconds before leaving the room. On the bright side, Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday is observed on Monday, so students can learn about civil rights and irony at the same time. That's efficiency.
That's it. Happy Hump Day.
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