Monday Morning Monologue - April 4, 2011

Welcome back, everyone! Did you have great weekend? Well, it's over now. Perhaps some jokes will make the day fly by. Let's see!

In Vietnam, an endangered giant turtle was captured and given medical treatment this weekend. Over fifty volunteers and doctors spent hours working to get the sacred turtle to a special turtle hospital on a nearby island for treatment. Next, these guys are going to try and get Charlie Sheen to see a psychiatrist.

In royal wedding news, Prince William said that he won't be wearing a wedding ring. Well, that should make it easier for him to cheat on his wife.

Prince William also admitted to having pre-wedding jitters, which is pretty smart considering how these things tend to work out in his family.

Elsewhere in England, chanteuse Susan Boyle turned 50 years old on Friday, putting her friends and family in the awkward position of singing "Happy Birthday" to Susan Boyle. No pressure.

Speaking of music, John Mellencamp, whose musical career has chronicled the death of rural America, is working on a musical with Stephen King, whose literary career has chronicled horrific deaths in rural America. It's sure to be the feel good hit of the season. And it'll probably open before Turn Off The Dark.

Speaking of musicians writing, Billy Joel decided to cancel work on his barely-anticipated memoir last week. A representative from Borders said "damn, we were counting on that to save our stores. No, I'm just kidding. No one gives a shit what Billy Joel has to say. Hey, while you're here, wanna buy a shelf?"

In Florida, a missing teenager found hiding in a meth lab bit a police office who tried to bring her out of the house. Fortunately, her teeth were all rotted out from meth, so no one was hurt.

Lastly, Republican Congressional leaders announced a plan to cut four trillion dollars from the federal budget. The plan involves printing on both sides of paper in all federal offices, and defunding NPR eighty thousand times.

Okay, that's all from me today. Tell your friends and repost this like it's a dancing cat that just came from the dentist on Friday. Come back tomorrow for more stuff like this stuff, and until then, have a great day!

Monday Morning Monologue - March 14, 2011

Did you enjoy your 47 hour weekend? Where did that extra hour go? Pretty sure Gov. Walker gave it to the Koch brothers. But we've still got jokes.

Conan O'Brien went to South by South West this weekend to see a documentary based on his firing from the Tonight Show. Festival organizers bumped his screening to midnight just for old times' sake.

In legal news, former Survivor star Richard Hatch is going back to prison to serve out his sentence for unpaid taxes. There's been no word about a possible special appearance on LOCKDOWN.

In other celebrity news, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel broke up, which means now we'll have to suffer through an awful, morose breakup album from Timberlake. Featuring Timbaland, of course.

On an Alaska Airlines flight, Air Marshals and FBI agents were alerted to "suspicious" behavior by three passengers. It turns out the men were Orthodox Jews and they were praying. Nice work, everyone. As a precaution, TSA screeners are now confiscating weaponized prayer beads from air travelers.

In a related story, the guy who played Gopher on The Love Boat is planning a radio show to deal with the topic of radical Islam. This sentence was brought to you in part by Mad-Libs.

Also in tolerance news, or "intolerance" news, Tennessee lawmakers want to make it a felony for residents to follow Sharia law. Guess that means mandatory porkchop sandwiches for everyone! Oh, and screw the First Amendment.

In Slovakia, a two-headed and five-legged turtle has been accurately predicting the winners in a Slovakian hockey tournament. Sports historians agree this is the most exciting thing to ever happen in hockey.

In Israel, Jewish and Arab rappers came together to form a hip hop group promoting peace and understanding through what is surely awful, awful hip hop. Featuring Timbaland, of course.

And lastly, Amazon is considering giving free Kindles to their Amazon Prime members. Meanwhile, Borders employees are subsisting on a glue-and-pulp soup made from boiling unsold copies of Sarah Palin's memoir.

That's all for now! Have an awesome Monday, everyone! Leave your comments, email/repost us to your hearts' content, and we'll see you again tomorrow!

Thursday Morning Monologue - February 17, 2011

Good morning, everyone. Let's get Thursday started, shall we?

In sports news, Florida International University short stop Garret Wittels will be playing this season despite the fact that he is facing charges of sexual assault. Apparently he's confused "college short stop" with "Quarterback for the Steelers."

Google announced it will offer a digital subscription service for newspapers, just like Apple, but will do so at a 10% discount in an attempt to undercut Apple. Industry insiders say this is just the beginning of the battle to see who can lose the most money in newspapers.

In music news, the cast of Glee surpassed Elvis Presley for the most Hot 100 singles. This means that in 30 years we'll be debating whether to put "Skinny Artie" or "Fat Artie" on a postage stamp.

Elsewhere, Kailyn Lowry, one of the stars of Teen Mom 2, crashed her car, sustaining minor injuries. Looks like she's just prone to little accidents.

In legal news, California prison officials are trying to keep prisoners from making unauthorized calls with cell phones, so they gave them all AT&T iPhones.

In the world of education, Washington University is now offering a class in flirting. It's part of their new MRS program.

In retail news, Borders Bookstores is entering bankruptcy reorganization and will be closing 200 of its stores, forcing thousands of its loyal customers to go elsewhere to walk around and not buy any books.

Lastly, the Los Angeles Lakers finalized negotiations for their television coverage plan, which cut free TV completely. When asked to explain the decision, which will leave many of the Lakers' less fortunate fans unable to watch the games, a spokesman for the team said "Poor people? F##k poor people."

Well, that's it for me this week. Come back tomorrow for Friday's with Spencer and Sunday for Earnest's Weekend Edition.