Welcome back! Let's see, where were we? Oh, yeah.
This weekend, the Archbishop of Canterbury used his time at the pulpit to publicly attack what he called "welfarism" in the UK, saying that it is unhealthy for people to depend on handouts from the government. Donation plates were then passed around.
In London, a woman was charged with breaking into Simon Cowell's house. Not only is she facing jail time, but also a withering rebuke-filled assessment of her performance in the crime from Mr. Cowell. Time served, I say.
Remember Mike Daisey and The Agony and the Ecstasy of Steve Jobs? Remember how Change.org started a petition online to protect Chinese workers' rights? Well, now that the story has been discredited, organizers are trying to recall the petition. But mainly because they think that most of the 250,000 signatures are names that Mike Daisey made up.
Dolly Parton's workplace musical 9 to 5 is set for its UK debut, although it is now being promoted as a fantasy, due to the fact that all the characters have full-time jobs.
Blogging website Tumblr will start banning all blogs devoted to "harming oneself," which means they'll be taking down all the Jersey Shore recaps. Amirite?! Also, people cutting themselves and engaging in eating disorders. Which are marginally more disgusting than Paulie D.
Mad Men is back, so now we can all get back to pretending it's our favorite show.
Correction from yesterday: Gallagher is not retiring, he's just refocusing on his health. And if he goes after his health with the same focus and dedication he applied to improving his comedy, he'll be dead in a week.
And finally, drivers for a medical marijuana delivery company reported that a group of men "dressed as ninjas" robbed their truck recently. Yeah, of course they did.
Okay, that's all. Come back tomorrow for more free entertainment worth every penny!
Showing posts with label mad men. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mad men. Show all posts
Monday, March 26, 2012
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 16, 2011
Hey, friends! What a wonderful day for a blog. I've got a great feeling about this one, let's see if it pans out.
Microsoft announced that the new Windows 8 will require fewer annoying updates and restarts, but will still be compatible with all your favorite Windows 7 viruses.
In Pennsylvania, former coach and alleged human Jerry Sandusky claimed that he did shower with several young boys, but that they were just "horsing around." Great. So now we have to be worried about what he's been doing with horses.
In other Sandusky news, sources revealed yesterday that his lawyer once impregnated a 17 year old girl who was also his client at the time. Well, here's to hoping he still screws his clients.
A medical study released this week indicates that singing actually has health benefits, which explains why Ozzy is still alive.
In China, two young girls were rescued from a fairground ride where they were trapped, upside down, for several hours. But it's okay, the girls were able to keep working the entire time.
In America, sources close to Kris Humphries are saying that he is now ready to sign the divorce papers, ending his marriage to Kim Kardashian. Apparently he refused to sign until yesterday, when he finally learned how to write his name.
Remember Jesse James? World class douchebag that cheated on Sandra Bullock with Kat Von D, then cheated on her? Apparently he still has friends, who are now begging him to seek treatment for sex addiction. In a related story, I'm begging the women of America to STOP HAVING SEX WITH JESSE JAMES!
And finally, the creator of AMC's Mad Men said yesterday that he plans to have the series end in present times, with Don Draper getting old. Well, if the barometer is whether or not Don Draper is getting old, then I'd say the show ended two seasons ago. BOOM! Take that, you critically-lauded and pretty awesome show!
And there you have it. I feel like we've grown together, or at least groaned together. Yep. Going out on a pun. Have a great day!
Microsoft announced that the new Windows 8 will require fewer annoying updates and restarts, but will still be compatible with all your favorite Windows 7 viruses.
In Pennsylvania, former coach and alleged human Jerry Sandusky claimed that he did shower with several young boys, but that they were just "horsing around." Great. So now we have to be worried about what he's been doing with horses.
In other Sandusky news, sources revealed yesterday that his lawyer once impregnated a 17 year old girl who was also his client at the time. Well, here's to hoping he still screws his clients.
A medical study released this week indicates that singing actually has health benefits, which explains why Ozzy is still alive.
In China, two young girls were rescued from a fairground ride where they were trapped, upside down, for several hours. But it's okay, the girls were able to keep working the entire time.
In America, sources close to Kris Humphries are saying that he is now ready to sign the divorce papers, ending his marriage to Kim Kardashian. Apparently he refused to sign until yesterday, when he finally learned how to write his name.
Remember Jesse James? World class douchebag that cheated on Sandra Bullock with Kat Von D, then cheated on her? Apparently he still has friends, who are now begging him to seek treatment for sex addiction. In a related story, I'm begging the women of America to STOP HAVING SEX WITH JESSE JAMES!
And finally, the creator of AMC's Mad Men said yesterday that he plans to have the series end in present times, with Don Draper getting old. Well, if the barometer is whether or not Don Draper is getting old, then I'd say the show ended two seasons ago. BOOM! Take that, you critically-lauded and pretty awesome show!
And there you have it. I feel like we've grown together, or at least groaned together. Yep. Going out on a pun. Have a great day!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - March 31, 2011
Let's see what happened in the last 24 hours that we can make fun of.
The animal rights group PETA recently announced a contest to give away a free vasectomy to a human. Unfortunately, you can't nominate other people for the prize. You win this round, Larry King.
This year has so far seen a boom in the number of documentaries coming from the Peoples Republic of China. At least we think they're documentaries. It's hard to tell with all the audio bleeped out and black bars over every shot.
Unlikely celebrity Paris Hilton recently said in an interview "I'm no diva." That's true. Divas can sing.
In Las Vegas, hotel and casino promoters are embracing the city's mob roots with special attractions and theme restaurants recalling the fashion and spirit of the city's sordid past. Are you listening, Berlin?
Former Senator and human rights advocate Rick Santorum said that his daughter's health will be a large factor in his decision to whether to run for president. Another big factor? Try to Google him.
Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner said in an interview recently that he is unwilling to increase the amount of product placement in the popular cable series. Did he forget to mention it's about an advertising agency? One thing they're not selling: self-awareness.
In New Jersey, a woman is suing her plastic surgeon after her last surgery left her unable to close her eyes. What's even worse? She's still got crows' feet.
In Chicago a pool hall was cited for serving a beer to a 12 year old. Also, he ordered a draft and got a can. That's just wrong.
And that's just it for me this week! Spread the word, and come back for Friday's with Spencer and Earnest's Weekend Monologue on Sunday. Saturday you can sleep in.
Have a great day!
The animal rights group PETA recently announced a contest to give away a free vasectomy to a human. Unfortunately, you can't nominate other people for the prize. You win this round, Larry King.
This year has so far seen a boom in the number of documentaries coming from the Peoples Republic of China. At least we think they're documentaries. It's hard to tell with all the audio bleeped out and black bars over every shot.
Unlikely celebrity Paris Hilton recently said in an interview "I'm no diva." That's true. Divas can sing.
In Las Vegas, hotel and casino promoters are embracing the city's mob roots with special attractions and theme restaurants recalling the fashion and spirit of the city's sordid past. Are you listening, Berlin?
Former Senator and human rights advocate Rick Santorum said that his daughter's health will be a large factor in his decision to whether to run for president. Another big factor? Try to Google him.
Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner said in an interview recently that he is unwilling to increase the amount of product placement in the popular cable series. Did he forget to mention it's about an advertising agency? One thing they're not selling: self-awareness.
In New Jersey, a woman is suing her plastic surgeon after her last surgery left her unable to close her eyes. What's even worse? She's still got crows' feet.
In Chicago a pool hall was cited for serving a beer to a 12 year old. Also, he ordered a draft and got a can. That's just wrong.
And that's just it for me this week! Spread the word, and come back for Friday's with Spencer and Earnest's Weekend Monologue on Sunday. Saturday you can sleep in.
Have a great day!
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