Thursday Morning Monologue - July 12, 2012

Let's make this quick. No promises for funny.

Canada ended the practice of granting work visas to exotic dancers coming to the country from overseas. So, just like your immune system, they're freaking out over foreign bodies.

Actress Sophia Vergara got engaged this week. At the wedding, she will be given away by her cleavage.

GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney said this week that he didn't know where his offshore investments were. Great, not only is he avoiding taxes, but he sucks at geography, too.

Speaking of Romney, he was booed yesterday by an audience at the NAACP. Thankfully for Romney, he was unfazed by the response as he is genetically incapable of hearing what black people say.

Attorney General Eric Holder said this week that new voter ID laws amount to a "poll tax." GOP lawmakers said it's not a tax, because it doesn't impact the wealthiest 1% of Americans.

Tour de France cyclist Remy di Gregorio faces doping charges, and will be subjected to a medical exam just as soon as organizers are able to catch him. Because he's going so fast.

And finally, Saudi Arabia is sending two female athletes to the London Olympics this summer, but only on the condition that they not be allowed to drive there.

Remember what I said about not promising funny? Yeah, there you go.

Monday Morning Monologue - May 21, 2012

Did anyone see the eclipse yesterday? Better than Breaking Dawn, am I right? Oh, that was bad. Okay, the rest of this will probably be better. Fingers crossed!

Blind Chinese activist Chen Guangcheng made it to America this weekend, spending Sunday in New York. However, sources close to the dissident said he was rethinking his new home after a chance encounter with Donald Trump.

Pakistan censored Twitter on Saturday over posts about the "Everybody Draw Muhammad Day" contest, saying it was blasphemous and disruptive to society. But you can still watch "Call Me Maybe" on youtube.

This weekend, the NAACP came out in favor of marriage equality after realizing "oh, yeah, civil rights! Forgot about that. Sorry!"

In a speech at the NATO conference in Chicago this weekend, Francoise Hollande calmed international concerns over NATO's proposed missile defense shield when he reminded the world that there's no way the thing will ever work.

The National Weather Service tracked the impressive buildup and precipitous weakening of Tropical Storm Alberto this weekend off the coast of South Carolina. Looks like it should have been called "Tropical Storm Newt Gingrich!" BOOM! Only four months late!

Speaking of elections, third-party Americans Elect won a spot on the 2012 Oregon presidential ballot, but they have no candidate, which puts them ahead of the GOP. BOOM! Romney's a stuffed shirt!

Google's Executive Chairman Eric Schmidt told graduates at Boston College to turn off their screens for one hour and look into the eyes of the person they love. Bad news for the unloved losers! Also, a good way to scare someone away is to stare into their eyes for an hour each day, especially if your loved one is a chimpanzee, as they interpret that as a sign of aggression and will rip your arms off.

And finally, Maria Sharapova won the Italian Open this weekend, or some other tennis thing, making it totally justifiable and not at all creepy to look at pictures of her on the Internet. Stare at that for an hour, Boston College.

...and, SCENE! Till tomorrow, friends.