Welcome back, everyone! Anyone have a weekend? Yeah, that's good stuff. Anyone have any jokes?
In Denver, a middle-aged man found out during a recent CT-scan for kidney stones, that he was actually born with both male and female sex organs. The man is taking it in stride, saying the biggest change he's noticed is his public restroom options just doubled.
Also, free drinks on Thursday! Or, at least half-off.
Rumors are circulating that Facebook is working to create their own smartphone. They're planning on including a shrinking data plan and each phone's contact list will come pre-loaded with a bunch of people you don't really know.
The middle east is currently under attack by a new malware threat called "Flame." It's already leaked another ten pages from President Assad's diary.
Speaking of Syria, a representative for the Model United Nations offered to take over on the Syria issue since the regular United Nations isn't interested.
In the U.K., Tony Blair faced questioning over the media's relationship to politicians during his time in office. He said, while he was Prime Minister, he chose not to fight the media, which just goes to show that the media doesn't have oil.
Speaking of the U.K., a majority of its citizens said they think the country is worse off under Queen Elizabeth II than it was before her reign. In a related story, a majority of U.K. citizens don't know how their country's government works.
Back in America, hair-failure Donald Trump and baseball-fetishist George Will got in a heated war of words over the weekend. The real loser: words.
And finally, actor/director/hero Robert DeNiro gained an honorary doctorate from Bates College, as well as his mother's approval. At last.
That's all for now! G'day!
Showing posts with label oil. Show all posts
Showing posts with label oil. Show all posts
Monday, May 28, 2012
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 7, 2011
Happy Wednesday. It’s December 7th, which is, coincidentally, the day that the U.S. joined both World War I and World War II. So let’s be extra-vigilant today and try like hell not to get involved in any horrible wars today. What say? And while we’re at it, how about some nice, peace-loving jokes?
You like books? Alternate-history novelist Harry Turtledove’s new book, Supervolcano: Eruption, explores what it would be like if America was destroyed by a massive volcanic eruption at Yellowstone, and not George W. Bush’s presidency.
In south Florida, biologists are studying crocodiles living near a nuclear power plant. They’re tracking breeding and movement patterns, as well as any evidence of monsterism.
Military leaders at the Pentagon are concerned that a drone that crashed in Iran may end up giving away U.S. secrets. And that’s why it’s a bad idea to program drones with the personality of a chatty 14-year old girl.
Remember that burglar that robbed Alex Trebek? Good news for her, as she won’t be facing mandatory sentences from the “three strikes” law. It’s a good thing she wasn’t robbing Steve Harvey. ‘Cause he hosts Family Feud. And that show uses the “three strikes” motif. Oh, boy.
Chewbacca will be guest-starring in Glee’s Christmas episode this year! George Lucas has already agreed to ban the program after it airs and buy up as many copies as he possibly can.
In more serious news, BP accused Haliburton of willfully destroying evidence related to the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico last year. Haliburton refutes the claim, saying that the evidence was destroyed through simple incompetence, just like everything else they touch.
The anti-piracy group Creative America released a new 12-minute anti-piracy video this week. But I already saw it last month on bittorrent.
And finally, following election losses in the Russian Federal Assembly, Vladimir Putin promised to make real changes next year. And by that, he means he will do a better job of fixing future elections.
And that’s the end. Hope you enjoyed it. Tell your friends! And we’ll be back with more tomorrow. Until then, have a great day!
You like books? Alternate-history novelist Harry Turtledove’s new book, Supervolcano: Eruption, explores what it would be like if America was destroyed by a massive volcanic eruption at Yellowstone, and not George W. Bush’s presidency.
In south Florida, biologists are studying crocodiles living near a nuclear power plant. They’re tracking breeding and movement patterns, as well as any evidence of monsterism.
Military leaders at the Pentagon are concerned that a drone that crashed in Iran may end up giving away U.S. secrets. And that’s why it’s a bad idea to program drones with the personality of a chatty 14-year old girl.
Remember that burglar that robbed Alex Trebek? Good news for her, as she won’t be facing mandatory sentences from the “three strikes” law. It’s a good thing she wasn’t robbing Steve Harvey. ‘Cause he hosts Family Feud. And that show uses the “three strikes” motif. Oh, boy.
Chewbacca will be guest-starring in Glee’s Christmas episode this year! George Lucas has already agreed to ban the program after it airs and buy up as many copies as he possibly can.
In more serious news, BP accused Haliburton of willfully destroying evidence related to the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico last year. Haliburton refutes the claim, saying that the evidence was destroyed through simple incompetence, just like everything else they touch.
The anti-piracy group Creative America released a new 12-minute anti-piracy video this week. But I already saw it last month on bittorrent.
And finally, following election losses in the Russian Federal Assembly, Vladimir Putin promised to make real changes next year. And by that, he means he will do a better job of fixing future elections.
And that’s the end. Hope you enjoyed it. Tell your friends! And we’ll be back with more tomorrow. Until then, have a great day!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - May 31, 2011
Happy Memorial Day! Hope you're enjoying your day off. Or if you're working today, hope you're enjoying time-and-a-half. Obviously we're not taking today off, so you're not alone. We will, however, be doing a half-assed job. Just like always. It's a good thing I'm not a doctor. Or a high-ranking member of Pakistan's intelligence agency, the ISI. 'Cause they've already got enough people who suck at their jobs! BOOM! Okay, let's make with the jokes and laugh and clap and such.
Who likes socially relevant jokes? Not me, so I won't be enjoying this next one. Here goes. So, South Dakota recently passed new laws regulating abortion access, and Planned Parenthood and other women's rights advocates are already challenging the law, trying to get rid of it before it even goes into effect. Anti-choice activists, however, want to see the law come into effect and, if need be, will help to find it a good home with adoptive parents... Wow, that metaphor was so tortured, you'd think it was in Guantanamo. BOOM! SOCIALLY-RELEVANT-COMBO!!!!!!
I'm really more proud of that than I should be. Let's move on.
Speaking of social relevancy, Sarah Palin rode into Washington, D.C. on a motorcycle this weekend to kick off a public appearance that is totally unrelated to her run for the Presidency, which she's totally not decided about. Totally. Oh, and by the way, thanks for ruining motorcycles. What's the best way to drain any subversive, counter-cultural credibility from something? Sit a Stepford-fascist on it. Wait a minute... can we get her to sit on Noam Chomsky's head for a while? Seriously, that guy has come down with a wicked case of tool-itis.
In other news of tools... Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who is still not a confirmed James Bond villain but come on, is receiving home-delivered breakfasts while under house arrest. No word yet if he's been able to find a cleaning service willing to budge on their non-rape policies. He's gonna like prison.
On a lighter note, it turns out that 3-D movies are not nearly as profitable as Hollywood was hoping. Looks they have overlooked the crucial cyclops demographic...
In Colombia, investigators uncovered a massive criminal conspiracy stretching back 25 years. No, really. It turns out that nearly seven million hectares of land had been stolen over the last quarter century. I can't imagine where that land was being hidden, though. Maybe Nebraska? Nobody ever goes looking for anything there.
In other Columbian news, coffee growers announced that demand for coffee is outstripping the ability to grow and distribute it. This is bad news for people who like a functioning society. Looks like there's nothing for the world to do but turn to methamphetamines and cocaine. Either that or START GETTING TO BED EARLIER! But what do I know? I'm posting this at 1:00am.
Speaking of drug-pushers, Saudi Arabian Prince Al-Waleed bin Talal called for OPEC to lower oil prices in order to keep Europe and America from finding alternatives and/or weaning themselves off of oil. What a pal, that old bin Talal. Next he'll call for men to beat their wives with slightly less vigor so as to keep them from agitating for more human rights. See, it's slightly better than the worst case scenario! Everything's fine, right?
And lastly, the government of Iran recently vowed to "unplug" the Internet. That's a clear sign that they have a full and functional understanding of how the Internet works. But I've got bad news for Iran. You can go ahead and unplug the Internet, you can destroy every computer and every server in the world, but guess what? You'll never be able to get Rebecca Black's "Friday" out of your head. Once it's there, the only way to get it out is with a bullet.
That's all! Hope you had a great weekend and enjoy today! We'll be back tomorrow with more, so tell your friends to check us out!
Also, if you're into that sort of thing, you can check out my new side-project, wherein we follow the fictional summer tour of a robot programmed to tell awful jokes at the worst comedy clubs in America. You know, that old chestnut. Check it out: http://theunstoppablehackbot.blogspot.com/
Have a great day!
Who likes socially relevant jokes? Not me, so I won't be enjoying this next one. Here goes. So, South Dakota recently passed new laws regulating abortion access, and Planned Parenthood and other women's rights advocates are already challenging the law, trying to get rid of it before it even goes into effect. Anti-choice activists, however, want to see the law come into effect and, if need be, will help to find it a good home with adoptive parents... Wow, that metaphor was so tortured, you'd think it was in Guantanamo. BOOM! SOCIALLY-RELEVANT-COMBO!!!!!!
I'm really more proud of that than I should be. Let's move on.
Speaking of social relevancy, Sarah Palin rode into Washington, D.C. on a motorcycle this weekend to kick off a public appearance that is totally unrelated to her run for the Presidency, which she's totally not decided about. Totally. Oh, and by the way, thanks for ruining motorcycles. What's the best way to drain any subversive, counter-cultural credibility from something? Sit a Stepford-fascist on it. Wait a minute... can we get her to sit on Noam Chomsky's head for a while? Seriously, that guy has come down with a wicked case of tool-itis.
In other news of tools... Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who is still not a confirmed James Bond villain but come on, is receiving home-delivered breakfasts while under house arrest. No word yet if he's been able to find a cleaning service willing to budge on their non-rape policies. He's gonna like prison.
On a lighter note, it turns out that 3-D movies are not nearly as profitable as Hollywood was hoping. Looks they have overlooked the crucial cyclops demographic...
In Colombia, investigators uncovered a massive criminal conspiracy stretching back 25 years. No, really. It turns out that nearly seven million hectares of land had been stolen over the last quarter century. I can't imagine where that land was being hidden, though. Maybe Nebraska? Nobody ever goes looking for anything there.
In other Columbian news, coffee growers announced that demand for coffee is outstripping the ability to grow and distribute it. This is bad news for people who like a functioning society. Looks like there's nothing for the world to do but turn to methamphetamines and cocaine. Either that or START GETTING TO BED EARLIER! But what do I know? I'm posting this at 1:00am.
Speaking of drug-pushers, Saudi Arabian Prince Al-Waleed bin Talal called for OPEC to lower oil prices in order to keep Europe and America from finding alternatives and/or weaning themselves off of oil. What a pal, that old bin Talal. Next he'll call for men to beat their wives with slightly less vigor so as to keep them from agitating for more human rights. See, it's slightly better than the worst case scenario! Everything's fine, right?
And lastly, the government of Iran recently vowed to "unplug" the Internet. That's a clear sign that they have a full and functional understanding of how the Internet works. But I've got bad news for Iran. You can go ahead and unplug the Internet, you can destroy every computer and every server in the world, but guess what? You'll never be able to get Rebecca Black's "Friday" out of your head. Once it's there, the only way to get it out is with a bullet.
That's all! Hope you had a great weekend and enjoy today! We'll be back tomorrow with more, so tell your friends to check us out!
Also, if you're into that sort of thing, you can check out my new side-project, wherein we follow the fictional summer tour of a robot programmed to tell awful jokes at the worst comedy clubs in America. You know, that old chestnut. Check it out: http://theunstoppablehackbot.blogspot.com/
Have a great day!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 26, 2011
Happy Tuesday, everyone! In honor of it being Tuesday, I've written some jokes.
In Washington, Speaker of the House John Boehner said he is open to repealing the massive tax breaks given to American oil companies. A representative from the petroleum industry responded by saying "this is a shocking development. After all, I could have sworn I mailed him his check this month. I'd better send another, just in case."
In a related story, Mississippi Governor and special interest group darling Haley Barbour announced he will not be running for President in 2012. Apparently someone told him how much it pays.
Last night a judge ordered the NFL team owners to lift the lockout, making it possible for the players to return to work. This is a great victory in the struggle for workers' rights in America, one worthy of a Woody Guthrie song. Congratulations to the NFL players for standing together in the face of the man! However, there's no word yet on whether armed men from the Pinkerton Agency will block the locker rooms.
Speaking of strong unions, actor Christopher Tierney, who was seriously injured during a performance of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, rejoined the show this week, proving once again how great the job market is for musical theater actors.
In Oklahoma, the House of Representatives voted to name "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" the official gospel song of the state of Oklahoma. In a close second: "Separation of Church and State is the Devil's Idea." It's actually catchier than you might think. Just ask Utah.
A recent poll found that Egyptians are full of hope about the future for the country. The poll also found that is really hard to figure out when Egyptians are being sarcastic.
And lastly, the FAA fired a third air traffic controller for sleeping on the job this week. Man, those guys really need to form a union. Maybe the NFL can help.
That's all from me for today! Let's see what happens tomorrow. Till then, have a great day, no matter what time of day you have it.
In Washington, Speaker of the House John Boehner said he is open to repealing the massive tax breaks given to American oil companies. A representative from the petroleum industry responded by saying "this is a shocking development. After all, I could have sworn I mailed him his check this month. I'd better send another, just in case."
In a related story, Mississippi Governor and special interest group darling Haley Barbour announced he will not be running for President in 2012. Apparently someone told him how much it pays.
Last night a judge ordered the NFL team owners to lift the lockout, making it possible for the players to return to work. This is a great victory in the struggle for workers' rights in America, one worthy of a Woody Guthrie song. Congratulations to the NFL players for standing together in the face of the man! However, there's no word yet on whether armed men from the Pinkerton Agency will block the locker rooms.
Speaking of strong unions, actor Christopher Tierney, who was seriously injured during a performance of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, rejoined the show this week, proving once again how great the job market is for musical theater actors.
In Oklahoma, the House of Representatives voted to name "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" the official gospel song of the state of Oklahoma. In a close second: "Separation of Church and State is the Devil's Idea." It's actually catchier than you might think. Just ask Utah.
A recent poll found that Egyptians are full of hope about the future for the country. The poll also found that is really hard to figure out when Egyptians are being sarcastic.
In Texas, police were baffled by a homemade grenade found on the side of the highway. Then they remembered that it was Texas.
And lastly, the FAA fired a third air traffic controller for sleeping on the job this week. Man, those guys really need to form a union. Maybe the NFL can help.
That's all from me for today! Let's see what happens tomorrow. Till then, have a great day, no matter what time of day you have it.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 2, 2011
It's Wednesday! And what a wonderful Wednesday it's gonna be!
Actress and human-incubator Natalie Portman responded to the video of fashion designer John Galliano making anti-Semitic remarks by saying she was "disgusted." That's a harsh criticism coming from someone who was in all three Star Wars prequels.
At the Vanity Fair Oscar party, actress and slap-dispenser Joan Collins was rushed to the hospital after feeling faint. The culprit? Her dress was too tight. Happy Women's History Month, everybody!
In London, a Libyan diplomat recently expressed sorrow over recent events and was quoted as saying "I think we realize that he's crazy, but we have no alternative. We have no ways to get rid of him until now." He then clarified, "No, I'm talking about Colonel Gaddafi, not Charlie Sheen. Leave that poor man alone!"
In a related story, Nelly Furtado announced she will be giving away $1million she earned from a private performance for the Gaddafi family. The money will now be used to help pay the salaries of Two and a Half Men crew members.
In other Gadaffi news, Saif Gadaffi has been charged with plagiarizing parts of his dissertation, which puts him in danger of losing his Ph.D. The embattled scholar responded by saying, "that's just great! What else can go wrong? Oh, right."
In American politics, Newt Gingrich appears to be gearing up for a Presidential run in 2012. Pundits and analysts say he has a good chance, but he will have to overcome the fact that he's Newt Gingrich.
Christina Aguilera was arrested for public intoxication yesterday. Elsewhere in Los Angeles, Britney Spears stared wistfully out a window and thought of days gone by.
Finally, the Department of the Interior issued a permit for deep water drilling in the Gulf of Mexico for the first time since the BP catastrophe last year. A government spokesman explained, "look, I know we've had trouble in the past, but they've changed! It'll be different this time. We're going to be so happy together..." A nearby oil executive added, "that's right, baby. This is a truly great moment for people with no understanding of history. Now let's go make some money!"
Alright, that's it. You like this business? I hope so. Go ahead and share us on your social networking site of choice, or just email us to all the people who keep sending you email forwards. Let us know what you like, what you hate and what you want see made fun of. And keep coming back for the jokes every day (although you can skip Saturday) and have a great Wednesday!
Actress and human-incubator Natalie Portman responded to the video of fashion designer John Galliano making anti-Semitic remarks by saying she was "disgusted." That's a harsh criticism coming from someone who was in all three Star Wars prequels.
At the Vanity Fair Oscar party, actress and slap-dispenser Joan Collins was rushed to the hospital after feeling faint. The culprit? Her dress was too tight. Happy Women's History Month, everybody!
In London, a Libyan diplomat recently expressed sorrow over recent events and was quoted as saying "I think we realize that he's crazy, but we have no alternative. We have no ways to get rid of him until now." He then clarified, "No, I'm talking about Colonel Gaddafi, not Charlie Sheen. Leave that poor man alone!"
In a related story, Nelly Furtado announced she will be giving away $1million she earned from a private performance for the Gaddafi family. The money will now be used to help pay the salaries of Two and a Half Men crew members.
In other Gadaffi news, Saif Gadaffi has been charged with plagiarizing parts of his dissertation, which puts him in danger of losing his Ph.D. The embattled scholar responded by saying, "that's just great! What else can go wrong? Oh, right."
In American politics, Newt Gingrich appears to be gearing up for a Presidential run in 2012. Pundits and analysts say he has a good chance, but he will have to overcome the fact that he's Newt Gingrich.
Christina Aguilera was arrested for public intoxication yesterday. Elsewhere in Los Angeles, Britney Spears stared wistfully out a window and thought of days gone by.
Finally, the Department of the Interior issued a permit for deep water drilling in the Gulf of Mexico for the first time since the BP catastrophe last year. A government spokesman explained, "look, I know we've had trouble in the past, but they've changed! It'll be different this time. We're going to be so happy together..." A nearby oil executive added, "that's right, baby. This is a truly great moment for people with no understanding of history. Now let's go make some money!"
Alright, that's it. You like this business? I hope so. Go ahead and share us on your social networking site of choice, or just email us to all the people who keep sending you email forwards. Let us know what you like, what you hate and what you want see made fun of. And keep coming back for the jokes every day (although you can skip Saturday) and have a great Wednesday!
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